When I worked through my fifth step, my sponsor introduced the mind-blowing concept to me that I have the power to end toxic relationships. I can walk away from a hurtful relationship, EVEN if it's family. One of the most amazing parts of this ability, is the fact that I don't have to hate the person that I'm ending the relationship with. I can wish them nothing but the best. I can hope they have all the success and happiness in the world. I can even love them... but I can love them from the other side of the street.
Humans are imperfect. We are flawed and make mistakes. So, it would make sense, that there would be BIGGER flaws and MORE mistakes when you put two or more humans together. When you add a substance use disorder, like alcoholism, to the mix... those flaws and those mistakes become even bigger and more damaging. The damage that I did to my relationships, especially the most important ones, still bothers me to this day. I find it difficult to remember certain situations that I royally messed up. Thank God for the ninth step and the ability to try and make amends to the people that I hurt the most.
The holidays are such a mixed bag of tricks. People talk about the challenges of spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with that crazy uncle or difficult sibling. They feel like they HAVE to or that it's an obligation. Why? If it is more damaging to be around someone, then why would you continue to be around that person? Especially if you've put in the effort and get let down, time and time again. It's time to let that one go. Spend the holidays with those that you love and those that make you happy.
Even when I was a youngin, the relationship between me and my father was... complicated. A lot of times, we made it work because I was still young and kinda "had to" do it. I felt that obligation that I previously mentioned. As an adult, that complication continued to grow and that gap between us grew bigger and bigger. We would still get together and attempt to make something work. It obviously never did. I finally decided, after I walked away from our last meeting, that I was done. He needed to stay where he was and I would stay where I am. I love my father. I wish him nothing but the best, but for my sobriety and my well-being... I just can't have him around me.
As an adult, I hit a rough patch with both of my brothers. I fell out of contact with both of them for different amounts of time at random points. The reasoning is still kind of fuzzy, but we just felt that we couldn't make it work. We'd take some time and respect each other's personal space. There have been a few times that they've popped back into the picture. I've taken the time and thought about it and decided that I wasn't done yet. We, as brothers, deserved another chance to keep our relationships alive. So far, the relationships are going well. They aren't the strongest, we aren't the absolute closest brothers in the world, but I'll take it. If, at any point, it went sour again, I have the right to decide to distance myself and protect myself from any harmful relationships. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be going in that direction.
I do have a handful of people in my life that I believe there needs to be distance... and that will more than likely be permanent. I don't care if it's the holidays or not, I can't. I love these people and I do wish them nothing but the best. They can win the lottery. They can find the loves of their lives. They can live out their dreams. I just don't have to be a part of it. You can find me on the other side of the street...
