Growing up, my ideas about what a father was supposed to be didn't seem to match up with what society was telling me. After Dad skipped town when I was 7, he left Mom holding the bags to raise three young boys, basically all on her own. While still reeling from the fact that she was newly divorced, she didn't have time to catch her breath before she knew she had to be Mom AND Dad... and I will fight ANYONE who tries to tell me that she didn't do an amazing job at filling both of those roles.
So, my ideas about what a father was supposed to look like didn't really look much different than what a mother looked like. A father was caring, compassionate, soft when they were supposed to be and tough when they were supposed to be. They were a protector, a provider and ultimately a teacher. As young humans, we learn primarily by watching and imitating others. We watch our parents and imitate what they are doing, and hopefully that is in sync with what society would consider a "good person." Using descriptors like "soft" or "compassionate" when describing a parent and people will probably guess you're talking about a mom instead of talking about a dad.
My idea of a father didn't consist of those stereotypical "dad" things like teaching your child how to play sports, to shave, to change the oil in your car, how to talk to a girl or share your first beer. I had other men in my life, like my brothers or my uncles that stepped up and showed me a lot of those things, but I imagine it feels different coming from "dad." Even after Mom married Nick, who has always been an amazing father-figure, I thought to myself that even Nick isn't like that stereotypical dad figure. An older man, he had already been through the years of teaching kids to play sports and he never even owned a car until he got to Oklahoma.
Jack Shannon Cloud is due to arrive in about three months. I'll have a boy of my own, someone who is going to look up to me as their father. I'll be Dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm being thrust into this role and I wasn't given any sort of instruction manual. People are incredibly supportive. My family is great. Megan is amazing. I have had more pep talks and "you'll be a great dad" than I think I can handle. It feels good to know that other people believe in me. Maybe, if I fake it until I make it, I'll believe in myself.
Please don't mistake this post as a "I don't want a child," because I do. I am so incredibly excited for Jack. I already love him so much. On those rough days at work, I think of him. I'm doing this for my kid. I'm working my tail off to create a life that makes it possible for us to have a happy and comfortable family. It's just nerves I guess. One of those things that I'm totally clueless on and just praying for the best. I pray that I do whatever I need to do and Jack grows up to be a good man who loves his father and will have positive memories about his Dad long after I'm gone.
