The Adventures of John and the Springform Swimming Pool...

I was meandering though the state fair the other day and I walked into one of the big exhibition halls. It was just wall-to-wall full of random booths of people trying to sell odd knick knacks, tools, gadgets and stuff that you aren't going to find in any aisle of your local Target or Wal-mart. As I ventured closer to the back of the building, I saw this interesting looking swimming pool. It was like a gigantic springform pan that you use to make cheesecakes, only this one was being used as an above-ground pool. For some reason, I decided "ya know what, I'm going to go for a swim!" It was even more odd that the old guy that was selling these springform swimming pools thought nothing of it. He continued on with his business, talking with the other passers-by. I stripped down and hopped into the pool. The water felt absolutely incredible and I wasn't even the least bit fazed by the other fairgoers that kinda stared at me as they walked by, their mouths hanging open as they are about to drop their half-eaten corndogs on the floor of the exhibition hall. Every once and a while, a friend would walk by and say hello. I saw my friend Garrick, who asked "what in the world are you doing?!" I replied with "I'm swimming, duh." He shrugged dismissively and thought "well, whatever." He stood around and talked with me for a while as I noticed the shiny latch on the outside of the pool. Surely it wasn't like an actual springform pan, where if I pull that latch, this whole thing would open up. It HAS to be just decorative. As curiosity continued to get the better of me, I swam over and began poking at it and trying to figure out if it was real. It must've been real enough to get the old guy's attention, he began to warn me sternly against touching that. Even Garrick was telling me that wasn't such a good idea. I shrugged dismissively and thought "whatever" and continued doing what I was doing. As it appeared I was going to pull the actual latch, the random passers-by began to yell at me, waving their half-eaten corn dogs in the air and telling me to STOP!! I didn't listen. I pulled the latch and found it was just like a springform pan and water went E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. The other booths did NOT appreciate me getting their random knick knacks, tools and gadgets drenched with pool water. I shrugged dismissively as I put my clothes back on and walked away from the pool. "I wonder which building the new cars are in, I can never remember" I thought to myself as I left my self-induced chaos behind me for others to clean up.

Of COURSE this was a dream. It happened to me last night. It was totally random, other than the fact that I had been wondering when the state fair was going to get started back up again. But it caused me to stop and think about the dream and (of course) I was able to pull out some sort of weird meaning or reflection out of it, because... that's what I do. :-) It makes me think of my past, where I would make mistake after mistake, even with people yelling at me from the sidelines telling me "stop!" or "don't do that" and I'd do it anyway. So, most of the time, when I would make these mistakes, screw up or whatever, it was rarely ever me that faced the consequences. Now don't get me wrong, I faced PLENTY of consequences and paid a hearty price for my indiscretions, but I guess it was never enough to convince me to stop. But I pulled others into the mess with me. Anytime I made these stupid, selfish decisions to have fun and just swim a little, it was OTHER people's stuff that would wind up getting wet.

Mr. Needy McNeederson...

I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone the other morning, when this "memory" popped up. It  caused me to think about how life was back in those days. If I had a dollar for every time I came home from a stressful day at work, a long holiday full of family drama or some other event caused me to groan and utter the words "ugh, I NEED a drink," I would be a much wealthier man that wouldn't be worrying about financial aid or debt consolidation.

I think I was only a "normal" drinker for a VERY brief period of time. One of those drinkers that could take it or leave it. You could find a bottle in my fridge, and then come back several days later and possibly find that same bottle was still there. My schedule did not revolve around drinking, where I was going to acquire my next drink or recovering from the last time I drank. Even in those early days, I'd use the phrase of "needing" a drink fairly often. It seemed harmless to me, but I think there is power in those words of "want" or "need."

want: verb
1. to feel a desire for; wish for.
2. to wish, crave, demand, desire.

vs.

need: verb.
1. a requirement, necessary duty or obligation.
2. a lack of something deemed necessary.
3. urgent want, as of something required.

I think that super-thin line of alcoholism is in there somewhere. Like, after a shitty day at work, it makes sense to want that drink or you want something that is going to give you that sense of ease or relaxation. But, if it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Sigh. No drink. I'll be okay. I'll probably just go to bed early or whatever.

If you need that drink after that shitty day, that means that you simply cannot carry on until that drink happens. That drink takes precedence over a lot of other stuff in your life that should be happening right about now. If it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Yeah, no. Probably not. I'm going to devise some sort of ridiculous plan in which I will get that alcohol before the day is over... and THEN I can relax after shit super shitty day at work.

But, it doesn't just happen because of supper shitty days at work. It happens when you break up with someone, when you start dating someone, when it's raining, when the sky is blue... any day that ends in Y. You get to that point where you need it to go to sleep at night, you need it to really wake up and get going in the morning and you need it throughout the day. Most people are okay without it. You get some people that look forward to that post-work cocktail. Then, you have OTHER people who are so wrapped up into it, that they think it absolutely has to happen while they are at work. Not like I would know anybody like that, but I've heard rumors. :-)

To need that drink is such a sad place to be. It's so tiring. It's all-consuming. It's hurtful, not just to me, but those around me that I'm supposed to care about. I'm glad I don't have to live like that anymore.