"Who is John Cloud?" You might as well throw that question up there with "what is the meaning of life?" You might've had an idea on who you thought John Cloud was (or is) and you might've come fairly close to an accurate answer, but I've struggled with it for years and years. It has taken me 37 years to start to put together my answer, and still, that answer probably changes depending on the day. During the time that I struggled to get a strong grip on sobriety, I think that is one of the questions that plagued me. Who am I? Where do I fit in? How do I contribute to society? With five years of sobriety now under my belt, I have come to an acceptance... not because I have an answer, but a sense of an acceptance that I DON'T have a solid answer. A sense of acceptance because I don't necessarily need an answer. As 2021 came to an end, and 2022 came barreling through, I've realized that I can be lots of things.
John, the son
One of my oldest titles. For years, my selfishness caused me to neglect this title. While it is still a work in progress, I can say that I have a strong relationship with my parents. They love me and I would like to think that they are actually proud of me. 2022 threw me a curveball that I never thought would happen, and brought my father back into my bubble. In April, we weren't sure he was going to make it, after being hospitalized due to complications with his diabetes. Dad and I reconnected while he was still in the hospital and I even visited him a couple of times when he got back home. The relationship still had a LOT of work that needed to be done, but that work was cut short when he unexpectedly died in October. I do have some regrets when it comes to my relationship with him, but I'm at peace with where we were and I hope he passed knowing that his son John loved him. Losing him makes me appreciate and love my parents even more, knowing that time isn't promised. I will be the best son I can possibly be to them for as long as I possibly can.
John, the brother
That other title that has stuck around with me for 37 years. Another title that I pushed aside. Relationships are difficult and I wasn't willing to put in the work. When I felt they got TOO difficult, I said "nope" and walked away. My relationships with Matt and Adam slowly started to come back together at the end of 2021. I was so glad that they came to my wedding. I was so glad that we could be there for each other, in whatever way possible, when we lost Dad. As a new father, I've looked to them in a whole new light and hope that I can be the type of father to Jack as they are to their kids. I'm excited to see where my relationships and friendships with my siblings continues to grow.
John, the husband
Wait... husband?! Did you get MARRIED?! Yeah. After years of inconsequential relationships followed by years and YEARS of thinking "nah, I don't need a relationship," my relationship with Megan took that next step. We tied the knot on December 19, 2021. Since Monday will be complicated with other life responsibilities, Megan and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary this weekend. We stayed at the Waterford (where we spent our wedding night), ate a fancy dinner (Red Rock), and wrapped up with Starby's and looking at Christmas lights. I never thought of myself as "marriage material," but I can't think of anyone I'd rather do this life with than Megan. From a cute little couple, to a cute little married couple, then cute dog parents, and finally cute ACTUAL parents... we're just pretty damn cute.
John, the father
As the previous post mentioned, Jack Shannon Cloud was born on 10/3 shortly after 4:00PM. He's only been around for a little over two months and has been nothing but a blessing. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of challenges... Megan and I have pretty much no free time and our sleep schedule is kind of wonky... but overall, it's been amazing. He's starting to find his voice and make his own little personality. He wiggles and moves. He's very food motivated and absolutely loves getting his diaper changed. He makes a great addition to our FIRST child... Clarice Cloud. In the Summer, we decided to add a little pug puppy to our family. Clarice is just a big ball of energy that somehow also manages to be a huge snuggle bug. She's definitely a daddy's girl, but she loves her momma too. She has been cautiously curious about Jack. Anytime Jack gets upset, Clarice gets upset too and makes sure that either Megan or myself are going quickly to do something about it. With Clarice and Jack, Megan and I have a pretty perfect little family of our very own.
John, the friend
As an introvert, I'm someone who values "me" time. I don't do big groups super well, and I'm not someone who feels like I need to be super sociable ALL the time. I have a small group of close friends, and I'm super content with that. Not only do I have a wife who is supportive of my friendships, my friends usually wind up loving her just as much as they've loved me over the years. I try to keep in pretty regular contact with people, and try to meet up for food or fun every so often. I love my little group of friends and feel supported and loved by my "chosen" family.
John, the professional
As of January 2022, I was able to start adding the designation of "LMSW" to my signatures. I have been a therapist with a community mental health agency here in OKC for ALMOST a year. I started out working on a team that specialized on working with individuals who are coming out of the hospital post-suicide attempts or experiencing suicidal thoughts. Come January, our team is merging with the rest of outpatient services and a couple of other teams, and creating a "new and improved" outpatient services using the small teams model. Each team consists of a team lead, therapists, case managers and peer support specialists. I was actually chosen to be a clinical team lead for one of those small teams. I'm excited and also intimidated AF. I'm confident in my team as well as super supported by my leadership. I'm almost a year into supervision to obtain my LCSW as well. When I first started at this agency, my plan was to get my supervision hours and test into my LCSW... and immediately jump into another opportunity. But this agency obviously has a lot of faith in me and is offering me opportunities to succeed and grow, so I might just stay put. :-)
John, the alcoholic
All these other titles seem to have positive spins to them... so why end on such a Debbie downer?! The thing is, I don't see my identifying as an alcoholic as a negative thing anymore. As of November 14, I have five years of sobriety under my belt. The help and direction I've been given over those five years are absolutely the only reason I've been able to grow as a son, brother, husband, father, and professional. If it wasn't for the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, a loving H.P., and a phenomenal sponsor... I would still be at the bottom of a bottle.
This was my attempt to play catch-up on all of the fast-paced and seemingly ever-changing parts of my world. My goal for 2023 (isn't it always?) is to be more active on here and keep things updated as well as write on things that don't necessarily consist of "these are the things going on in my life right now." Over 37 years of life, I can safely say that 2022 was probably my favorite. I'm maybe one of the few people in the world who doesn't dread what the upcoming year consists of. Even if 2023 does come with challenges, I am blessed to have a pretty amazing circle of people surrounding me (and a great career supporting me) that I think we can take on anything life has to throw at us. So, here's to 2023!
-JC-
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