Life at 38...

I started my obligatory "it's my birthday" blog post a few days ago. It was lengthy, chronicling the massive and (mostly) amazing changes that I've experienced in my life over the last few years. This was in stark contrast from a conversation that I had at my 25th birthday party, where I told a friend that I didn't think it was likely that I would live to see my 35th birthday. As I approached the end of the post, I re-read it and thought to myself that it sounded repetitive. Nothing wrong with a little reflection, it helps me appreciate how far I've come and the blessings that have been sent my way. But, sometimes I feel like I might spend a little TOO much time looking in that rearview mirror. I also want to look forward at the coming year(s), what will life have in store? 

We just celebrated with Jack as he turned SEVEN months old. Seven! I feel like I've embraced that role of being a dad. Not just a father, but a DAD. How could a man like me, who couldn't even care for himself, be fairly successful at raising and caring for a child? A HAPPY child at that?! He knows he is safe, clothed (very cutely, of course), and well-fed. He has a safe space to develop this cute little personality he is starting to create. Of course, this is all possible because I have an amazing partner in crime with Megan. She is a great mom. She is single-handedly responsible for making sure that the "behind the scenes" things are being handled. His clothes are clean, he has a fresh supply of diapers and wipes, and a substantial stock of milk in the fridge. Jack obviously loves his Momma and loves getting Mom cuddles (even if it includes a random tug on the hair). It would be remiss of me to not acknowledge that we also have a small army of supportive friends and family who are very instrumental in caring for Jack. This lifestyle would not be possible without them, especially his "gaggle of grandmas" that care for him while we work. With him turning seven months old, of COURSE that means we already have a spotlight on his first birthday. October may seem like a stretch away, but it will be here before you know it!

God willing, Megan and I will celebrate our second wedding anniversary. What do we have planned? Who knows. I haven't really thought that far ahead, but I'm sure it will be a special one. Megan and I have been through a lot over the last year. Raising a child and a pug, trying to maintain our sanity at our jobs, and making time for ourselves... it can be a lot. We've managed to do it, however, with minimal "squabbling."

While I may grumble and groan occasionally, I do love my job and am grateful for the experience that I'm getting. If things continue in the direction they are, I will (hopefully) have enough hours to test for my LCSW by this time next year.

So what else is in store? A new house? A growing family? Changes in career paths? Who knows, but I'm excited for it. I'm glad that 25-year-old John was wrong and that I DID make it to my 35th birthday... and beyond. Hell, it looks like I might even make it to 45!

2023...

With young Jack nestled into his crib, and Clarice all cozy under our comforter... Megan and I climbed into bed long before midnight. We barely made it until the ball dropped in Times Square before we zonked out and called it a year. We woke up briefly to the sounds of "happy new year" text messages from random friends and family... we leaned over, gave each other a new year peck and passed back out. Even though we were supposed to wake up at 5:30 (trying to get back into our old schedules), I enabled us to sleep in for just a bit longer. As we got up to start our day, 01/01/23 didn't feel a whole lot different than the last 90 days before it. So, how is 2023 going to be different than 2022? That decision is solely up to me. Here are some of the things, in no particular order, that I would like to happen in the new year. I won't call 'em resolutions per se, maybe goals or inspirations. In 2023, I want...

to be a more diligent writer...

This year, I'm going to renew my dedication to pay more attention to my writing. That (hopefully) means more blog entries as well as utilizing my handy dandy journal more often. It's a super nice journal, that (so far) I've only used to write about our honeymoon adventures in Georgia. I've always felt that writing via pen and paper has always "meant" more. It takes time to write that way and you have to be more intentional with your writing. You can't just hit the "delete" button. So, there should be more of that intentional writing in 2023.

to take at least ONE road trip...

Life with an infant and a pug will complicate things, but absolutely nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. Where might we go? Dallas? Denver? A return to Georgia? Megan's inaugural visit to Utah. Shortly after Dad passed away, I started knocking around the idea of renting one of those smaller RV's. I could pack up my fam and my dog, and hit the road. I think that would be a blast. That might take a little more planning and strategizing, so I might have to set my sights a little lower first. Dallas? Houston? Denver?

to lose some WEIGHT...

I have given excuses for faaaarrrrr too long. First it was "meh, I'm school" and then it was "meh, my wife is pregnant." Now I'm no longer in school and my wife is no longer pregnant and I feel so gross. My goal is to lose like 95 pounds before the end of the year, that's like 8 pounds a month. That is SUPER achievable, if I can just stay disciplined and focused.

to take advantage of my time at work to LEARN...

January 18th will mark my one-year anniversary with Northcare. I've been a therapist nearly that whole time. A little over a week before my anniversary, I'll start my new position within NC as an outpatient team lead. I'll still get to work as a therapist, but part of my job will now be providing clinical supervision for a team of therapists, case managers and peer recovery support specialists. Before I started working at NC, I told myself that I was just going to view my time with the agency as an extension of school. While I'm under supervision, I need to take these opportunities to learn and take in all the experiences. This new position just opens additional doors and learning opportunities.

to enjoy my time with my family and friends...

Work can be rough. It's mentally and emotionally draining. It can be difficult to NOT bring some of that home. I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that I'm appropriately managing my time. Work is work, but my time is MY time. I'm going to reward myself by enjoying time with my wife, my son, my family, my pug, and those closest to me.

Those sound like some pretty good goals? Inspirations? Here's to 2023. May the odds be ever in my favor...

A John By Any Other Name...

"Who is John Cloud?" You might as well throw that question up there with "what is the meaning of life?" You might've had an idea on who you thought John Cloud was (or is) and you might've come fairly close to an accurate answer, but I've struggled with it for years and years. It has taken me 37 years to start to put together my answer, and still, that answer probably changes depending on the day. During the time that I struggled to get a strong grip on sobriety, I think that is one of the questions that plagued me. Who am I? Where do I fit in? How do I contribute to society? With five years of sobriety now under my belt, I have come to an acceptance... not because I have an answer, but a sense of an acceptance that I DON'T have a solid answer. A sense of acceptance because I don't necessarily need an answer. As 2021 came to an end, and 2022 came barreling through, I've realized that I can be lots of things.

John, the son

One of my oldest titles. For years, my selfishness caused me to neglect this title. While it is still a work in progress, I can say that I have a strong relationship with my parents. They love me and I would like to think that they are actually proud of me. 2022 threw me a curveball that I never thought would happen, and brought my father back into my bubble. In April, we weren't sure he was going to make it, after being hospitalized due to complications with his diabetes. Dad and I reconnected while he was still in the hospital and I even visited him a couple of times when he got back home. The relationship still had a LOT of work that needed to be done, but that work was cut short when he unexpectedly died in October. I do have some regrets when it comes to my relationship with him, but I'm at peace with where we were and I hope he passed knowing that his son John loved him. Losing him makes me appreciate and love my parents even more, knowing that time isn't promised. I will be the best son I can possibly be to them for as long as I possibly can.

John, the brother

That other title that has stuck around with me for 37 years. Another title that I pushed aside. Relationships are difficult and I wasn't willing to put in the work. When I felt they got TOO difficult, I said "nope" and walked away. My relationships with Matt and Adam slowly started to come back together at the end of 2021. I was so glad that they came to my wedding. I was so glad that we could be there for each other, in whatever way possible, when we lost Dad. As a new father, I've looked to them in a whole new light and hope that I can be the type of father to Jack as they are to their kids. I'm excited to see where my relationships and friendships with my siblings continues to grow.

John, the husband

Wait... husband?! Did you get MARRIED?! Yeah. After years of inconsequential relationships followed by years and YEARS of thinking "nah, I don't need a relationship," my relationship with Megan took that next step. We tied the knot on December 19, 2021. Since Monday will be complicated with other life responsibilities, Megan and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary this weekend. We stayed at the Waterford (where we spent our wedding night), ate a fancy dinner (Red Rock), and wrapped up with Starby's and looking at Christmas lights. I never thought of myself as "marriage material," but I can't think of anyone I'd rather do this life with than Megan. From a cute little couple, to a cute little married couple, then cute dog parents, and finally cute ACTUAL parents... we're just pretty damn cute.

John, the father

As the previous post mentioned, Jack Shannon Cloud was born on 10/3 shortly after 4:00PM. He's only been around for a little over two months and has been nothing but a blessing. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of challenges... Megan and I have pretty much no free time and our sleep schedule is kind of wonky... but overall, it's been amazing. He's starting to find his voice and make his own little personality. He wiggles and moves. He's very food motivated and absolutely loves getting his diaper changed. He makes a great addition to our FIRST child... Clarice Cloud. In the Summer, we decided to add a little pug puppy to our family. Clarice is just a big ball of energy that somehow also manages to be a huge snuggle bug. She's definitely a daddy's girl, but she loves her momma too. She has been cautiously curious about Jack. Anytime Jack gets upset, Clarice gets upset too and makes sure that either Megan or myself are going quickly to do something about it. With Clarice and Jack, Megan and I have a pretty perfect little family of our very own. 

John, the friend

As an introvert, I'm someone who values "me" time. I don't do big groups super well, and I'm not someone who feels like I need to be super sociable ALL the time. I have a small group of close friends, and I'm super content with that. Not only do I have a wife who is supportive of my friendships, my friends usually wind up loving her just as much as they've loved me over the years. I try to keep in pretty regular contact with people, and try to meet up for food or fun every so often. I love my little group of friends and feel supported and loved by my "chosen" family.

John, the professional

As of January 2022, I was able to start adding the designation of "LMSW" to my signatures. I have been a therapist with a community mental health agency here in OKC for ALMOST a year. I started out working on a team that specialized on working with individuals who are coming out of the hospital post-suicide attempts or experiencing suicidal thoughts. Come January, our team is merging with the rest of outpatient services and a couple of other teams, and creating a "new and improved" outpatient services using the small teams model. Each team consists of a team lead, therapists, case managers and peer support specialists. I was actually chosen to be a clinical team lead for one of those small teams. I'm excited and also intimidated AF. I'm confident in my team as well as super supported by my leadership. I'm almost a year into supervision to obtain my LCSW as well. When I first started at this agency, my plan was to get my supervision hours and test into my LCSW... and immediately jump into another opportunity. But this agency obviously has a lot of faith in me and is offering me opportunities to succeed and grow, so I might just stay put. :-) 

John, the alcoholic

All these other titles seem to have positive spins to them... so why end on such a Debbie downer?! The thing is, I don't see my identifying as an alcoholic as a negative thing anymore. As of November 14, I have five years of sobriety under my belt. The help and direction I've been given over those five years are absolutely the only reason I've been able to grow as a son, brother, husband, father, and professional. If it wasn't for the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, a loving H.P., and a phenomenal sponsor... I would still be at the bottom of a bottle.

This was my attempt to play catch-up on all of the fast-paced and seemingly ever-changing parts of my world. My goal for 2023 (isn't it always?) is to be more active on here and keep things updated as well as write on things that don't necessarily consist of "these are the things going on in my life right now." Over 37 years of life, I can safely say that 2022 was probably my favorite. I'm maybe one of the few people in the world who doesn't dread what the upcoming year consists of. Even if 2023 does come with challenges, I am blessed to have a pretty amazing circle of people surrounding me (and a great career supporting me) that I think we can take on anything life has to throw at us. So, here's to 2023!

-JC-

Jack Shannon Cloud...

Growing up, my ideas about what a father was supposed to be didn't seem to match up with what society was telling me. After Dad skipped town when I was 7, he left Mom holding the bags to raise three young boys, basically all on her own. While still reeling from the fact that she was newly divorced, she didn't have time to catch her breath before she knew she had to be Mom AND Dad... and I will fight ANYONE who tries to tell me that she didn't do an amazing job at filling both of those roles. 

So, my ideas about what a father was supposed to look like didn't really look much different than what a mother looked like. A father was caring, compassionate, soft when they were supposed to be and tough when they were supposed to be. They were a protector, a provider and ultimately a teacher. As young humans, we learn primarily by watching and imitating others. We watch our parents and imitate what they are doing, and hopefully that is in sync with what society would consider a "good person." Using descriptors like "soft" or "compassionate" when describing a parent and people will probably guess you're talking about a mom instead of talking about a dad.

My idea of a father didn't consist of those stereotypical "dad" things like teaching your child how to play sports, to shave, to change the oil in your car, how to talk to a girl or share your first beer. I had other men in my life, like my brothers or my uncles that stepped up and showed me a lot of those things, but I imagine it feels different coming from "dad." Even after Mom married Nick, who has always been an amazing father-figure, I thought to myself that even Nick isn't like that stereotypical dad figure. An older man, he had already been through the years of teaching kids to play sports and he never even owned a car until he got to Oklahoma. 

Jack Shannon Cloud is due to arrive in about three months. I'll have a boy of my own, someone who is going to look up to me as their father. I'll be Dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm being thrust into this role and I wasn't given any sort of instruction manual. People are incredibly supportive. My family is great. Megan is amazing. I have had more pep talks and "you'll be a great dad" than I think I can handle. It feels good to know that other people believe in me. Maybe, if I fake it until I make it, I'll believe in myself.

Please don't mistake this post as a "I don't want a child," because I do. I am so incredibly excited for Jack. I already love him so much. On those rough days at work, I think of him. I'm doing this for my kid. I'm working my tail off to create a life that makes it possible for us to have a happy and comfortable family. It's just nerves I guess. One of those things that I'm totally clueless on and just praying for the best. I pray that I do whatever I need to do and Jack grows up to be a good man who loves his father and will have positive memories about his Dad long after I'm gone.  

37 and feelin' fine...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

Unlike 25, I just didn't feel like celebrating 27. There was no longer any doubt (in my mind or the minds of many others) that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. In the last days of 26, life had continued to devolve for me in Oklahoma City, so I had made the decision to run from all my problems and relocate to Dallas. So, 27 was my first birthday ever to be away from my family. Although I was in a fairly toxic relationship at the time, I do give him credit for trying to make my birthday as special as could be. He made some pretty tasty pirate-themed cupcakes and held a "party" with the only people I really knew, my coworkers at Bread Winners. So he tried to make it special, but it definitely didn't work. I was a mere 6 months away from one of the darkest periods of my life. 

If you would've told me that, in 10 years, that I would be back home in the OKC Metro... I would have my MSW... that I would be a practicing therapist... that I would be a husband (married to a woman, at that)... that I would be expecting my first child... that I would be starting to talk to my father again... that my brothers actually liked me... that my family was actually proud of me... that life would actually be amazing... I would've laughed at you. I probably would've cried uncontrollably and drowned the sorrow in some vodka later, but I would've started out laughing.

Flash forward to today...

I've been a therapist at Northcare for a little over 90 days now. It's definitely a tough job, but I'm very appreciative of it. I'm grateful to my coworkers and supervisors within the Rapid Response Team. I'm learning so much and get to experience clinical supervision for my LCSW from one of the Vice Presidents of the agency. This isn't exactly the picture I had painted in my head of what being a social worker would look like, but I know that I'm going to be SO MUCH better because of my experiences here. 

Megan and I have been married for a little over 4 months now. Life has definitely been an exciting adventure, with plenty of ups and downs, but I think that we're proving to be a pretty epic team. We briefly attempted to buy our first home, but threw in the towel quickly. The market is just waaaayyy too volatile right now, and we just can't compete. So, it may be a rental, but we'll be moving to our third home in a few months. Shortly after we got back from our honeymoon, Megs and I found out that she was already pregnant with our first little one. Preliminary tests have pointed towards us having a little boy, but we're waiting until the ultrasound confirmation to really start planning that one out. So, this October, we will become a family of three!

Within the last week, Matt had reached out to me and the rest of the family to let us know that my father had been hospitalized with a suspected stroke. While it turned out to NOT be a stroke, his blood sugar was astronomically high and the likelihood that there is extensive damage is pretty certain. I decided to swallow a BUNCH of pride, move aside some of the hurt and anger, and visit my dad the day that he had gotten moved to the longterm rehab facility. My primary motivations are to be there for my brother as he been shouldered with a lot of the responsibility on making important decisions, but I felt like it couldn't hurt to make contact and show that I'm "there" for my dad too. It's kinda like "don't worry about what you did to your youngest son, you have MUCH bigger health-related fish to fry right now. Well, you probably shouldn't even be eating fried food right now... so maybe you should grill those fish."

Megan and I started the day out with a delicious and nutritious breakfast of Fruity Pebbles. We got cleaned up and went and visited with Mom and Nick for a bit. We relaxed for the rest of the afternoon, until we hopped in the car with Megan's Mom and Granny and went to an Oklahoma City Dodgers game. We enjoyed some tasty burgers and hot dogs. Almost an entire section of complete and total strangers sang happy birthday to me... and the Dodgers won! To wrap up the evening, we made a stop for some ice cream and then we called it a night! Overall, a pretty awesome day! 

In summary, 36 was pretty damn amazing. Lots and lots and LOTS of change and growth. Sometimes life feels like I have one too many plates up in there spinning, but it seems like it's all good stuff at least. If we continue on this trek, it'll be interesting to review all what happened to 37-year-old John.

The Community Meeting...

The men of Firstep gather in the chow hall every Tuesday night for their "community meeting." It's where we share important news, correct what needs to be corrected, hold each other accountable, congratulate guys as they graduate from the program and celebrate other things that deserve to be celebrated. It is where the meat of the work is done in this therapeutic community. Since 2017, I've attended a LOT of community meetings as a resident of this program. Starting in 2019, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend even MORE community meetings as a case manager and member of the management team. I have a feeling that I'll be attending plenty more community meetings, but after this week, it won't be as a staff member.

No matter how rough or out of control they may get, I've always enjoyed the community meetings. You get to see these men in their natural element. Guys who may have a good grasp on recovery helping those that might need some nudges in the right direction. The words that always come to mind are "rough around the edges" or "imperfect." Some of the guys were excited for my news and congratulatory, and other guys couldn't have cared less... and that's totally okay. This is their world, THEIR recovery, and I'm just a small piece of it. These guys are in various stages of their recovery. Some of them appear to "have it," and can go on to lead happy, sober lives. Other guys, sadly, aren't quite there yet. They may have one or two (or three) more relapses in them, and hopefully they will find that bottom soon... and decide to give recovery another shot.  While the meeting goes through the motions, other guys aren't exactly paying attention. They talk to each other, try to share jokes or jabs with each other quietly. It's kind of like kids in church, the behavior might not be perfect, but I'm just glad that they are there.

The crowd is diverse. The community has guys who come from wealthy families and guys who don't have two pennies to rub together. All races, religious backgrounds, sexual orientations and everything else you can think of. They are all there for one common disease: addiction.

The most powerful point in the community meeting is always the Lord's Prayer at the end. People who start the prayer more reverently will shout out something like "WHO KEEPS US CLEAN AND SOBER?" Others will joke around and say something like "who puts the fuzz on the peaches and the sand on the beaches?" My favorite was always "who sees you naked in the shower every day?" LOL. The guys "circle up," hold hands (or bump fists) and recite the prayer together. Much like the rest of the meeting (and the guys reciting it), the prayer is imperfect. Some guys are a word or two behind the others. Some goof around while reciting it... but at least they are still reciting it. The message is there. God, please help us do YOUR will and not our own. Please keep me strong and sustain me to do the work you have called me to do. Please forgive us if we falter and help us forgive those who have wronged us. Protect us against the dangers of temptation and relapse. The prayer ends in a resounding AMEN. Some guys will wrap it up with "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" Which it does. It totally does. I always liked ending that last part with "it sucks if you don't!"

I can't help but think to myself, "I'm going to miss this place." But part of me knows that I'll never be far from the men of Firstep. No matter what my title is - LCSW, son, brother, uncle, husband, dad (someday)... one of the titles I will always be proud of is "Firstep graduate."

The City of Savannah, a Reflection...

At a first glance, Savannah is much like any other metro area. It has sprawling highways filled with bad drivers, shopping malls, and even this new restaurant called "Chili's." But from the moment we arrived Tuesday afternoon, I got this unmistakable vibe that something about this place was just... different. To me, It almost seemed as there were several sides to Savannah. There was the part that was trying to be this stereotypical modern city with all the amenities that would appeal to a 21st century citizen. Another part was a city desperately trying to hold on to the vestiges of this pristine, historic place. The last part was this historic city, but with the REAL history of some of the dark and disturbing things that happened even before the Revolutionary and Civil Wars.

One of the first things that we did in Savannah was walk through the sprawling (and gorgeous, albeit sad) Bonaventure Cemetery. From that point on, I realized that this city is pretty much OBSESSED with death. From the Revolutionary War, the busiest slave port in the south, the Civil War, and several epidemics of Yellow Fever... the city has seen plenty of death.  Huge cemeteries, ghost tours, and haunted EVERYTHING. You look at these beautiful and stately homes all around the city and then find out that most of them are haunted, and have some sort of horrific tale of someone dying a grisly death within the walls of the home.

While the owning of slaves was originally banned within Savannah city limits, the powers-that-be quickly changed their minds in order to keep up with bigger, more successful cities like Charleston and New Orleans. The beauty and extravagance you see in Savannah was built on the backs of slaves. Yet many of the historical locations in the city completely glaze over the fact that slaves were even part of the city's history. At one point, more slaves were brought in through Savannah's port than any other place in the south. The cobblestone streets near the river is called "Factor's Walk" and would've been one of the main paths where these slaves had to take to get to wherever they were to be sold. When Megan and I walked along the river, we noticed these stone "vaults" lining the cobblestone streets. Historical markers mentioned that they were for the storing of goods, but completely jumped over what TYPE of goods. It isn't until I talked to some of the locals that I found out that the vaults were meant for storing slaves until they were sold.

One of the museums we visited was the Owens-Thomas House & Slave Quarters. It went into detail on how a wealthy family would've lived during that time, but also went into great detail on what the slaves who were owned by that family would've gone through as well. I noticed that the exhibits and displays on slaves were only added into the museum in 2018, so some places are starting to realize that they need to share the WHOLE history... not just the "pretty" part of it.

I enjoyed the fact that Savannah was very arts-centric. So much so, that it seemed like every other building in the downtown area was another building for classes or residence halls for the Savannah College of Arts & Design. Historical jail? SCAD. Hospital? SCAD. Beautiful mansion? SCAD. Vintage theater? SCAD. Are you seeing the trend here? I remember when I visited New Orleans, being overwhelmed by the vibe that I just wanted to find a balcony somewhere and write or draw or just CREATE something. While we were in Savannah, our hotel room was right off this beautiful balcony that overlooked Broughton Street. I took plenty of opportunities to sit out on the balcony with my journal.

The movie nerd in me LOVED being in a place where I know that many of my favorite movies were filmed. We walked through Chippewa Square, where the famous bench scenes were filmed for "Forrest Gump." Of course, Savannah is known for being the primary setting for "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." We were able to see the outside of the infamous Mercer House, Bonaventure Cemetery and the famous "Bird Girl" sculpture (pictured above), all which were made famous partially because of that film. Our tour guide for the hearse tour also told us that a new "Exorcist" trilogy was being filmed in Savannah as well!

Other than a few bumps in the road, we thoroughly enjoyed our honeymoon. I'm so glad that we picked Savannah as our main stop during our little road trip through Georgia. I felt that Megan and I balanced our time with tourist-y stuff, museums, and just relaxing and enjoying each other's company. Savannah is definitely like Washington D.C., in that you need to visit several times in order to capture all (or most) of what Savannah has to offer. I'm definitely down for another trip! Maybe in the spring or summer, when flights aren't threatened by winter weather...