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| Yoda doesn't know what he's talking about... |
Well, I'll be damned if "those people" out there weren't telling me the truth. It truly does work if you work it. I've been sober for a couple of days past nine months. Life is... full. I'd say you could even describe it as "busy." But I wouldn't change it for the world.
At FNA last night, I was asked to read "How It Works." Even though I'm quite familiar with this section of the Big Book, I gained two new things from reading it in front of the ridiculously large crowd: One was a newfound respect for people who get up in front of that crowd and speak from their hearts (not a laminated sheet of paper) and share some of the most private details of their stories in hopes of reaching out to another alcoholic or addict. The other was a tap on the shoulder from God, a nudge in the right direction or just a general inspiration on what to write about for my next blog entry.
Even though I have stood up in front of that crowd before, I was surprisingly nervous about reading last night. Plus, nobody told me that the sheet is SUPER glossy and kind of difficult to read from. But I did my best and plowed through it. If I could do it over, the only thing I would do differently is maybe look up and make more eye-contact with the crowd. Oh well. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...
I've probably read the 12th step, both to myself and out loud, probably a gajillion times. But for some reason this one word stuck out to me while I read it out loud in front of a room full of alcoholics. "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs."
It just requires us to TRY. It's not saying that we do it better than the last person who did the twelfth step. It doesn't say we have to be some sort of Alcoholics Anonymous poster-child. Try. Over the last nine months, I've been truly given a gift and all that I'm supposed to do is TRY and do my best to carry that message out to another alcoholic or addict. That reminder lifts a HUGE weight off of my shoulder and makes me feel so much better about myself and what I'm doing about my program.
I have never, in seven plus years, made it this far. I'm in foreign territory. I have NO clue what I'm doing. I can, especially when it comes to sponsoring, allow myself to be COMPLETELY consumed my self-doubt and being self-critical. When I do that, I'm getting distracted from what I should really be thinking about and doing. I just need to relax and keep trying to do the next right thing. I need to give myself some wiggle room and realize that I hopefully will be a different person a year or more from now. I will definitely be a different sponsee as time goes on and I will hopefully learn new things and become a different sponsor as time goes on as well. Today, I'm going to do what I need to do and try to carry this message to alcoholics as well as practice the principles of this program in everything I do...
