Puzzle Pieces...

So, at this point in May of 2018, I was still a client at Men's Firstep. I definitely had more time behind me than I did ahead of me, the finish line was in sight. By about February or March of 2018, my mindset about who I was or who I wanted to become was beginning to completely change. I was getting this picture painted for me, I believed by my Higher Power, that there was definitely a plan for me in place.  Post-graduation, I would be staying on at Firstep as a resident advisor. I would still be a part of the community per se, but I'd have more freedoms of a graduate. The pay was pretty nominal, but I thought that it would probably meet my needs at that time. The most important part would be getting to stay part of this community that had given me SUCH a better life. Although I had Megan, my family and SOOO many other positive things waiting for me on the outside... I was afraid to leave it.

At some point in early-to-mid April, they wanted a more concrete answer from me. Yes or No? Are you staying or going? I had several honest conversations with the director at the time, and it turned out that the pay was going to be even less than I thought it would be. I would still be able to live off of the amount, but there would be no way that I could afford to save up or do anything like buy a car or anything. After lots of prayer, and conversations with those closest to me, I had to accept the fact that the position with Firstep was NOT going to work. I think I put on a pretty good face, but I was absolutely devastated. I think, at least mentally, I had put all of my eggs into that basket. When that didn't work out, what exactly was I going to do? Firstep had given me a nice push in the right direction. I was newly sober and I would have a 6-month job history with a good reference, but I still wasn't certain that anyone "out there" would want me.

The most important part was that I trusted that God had the wheels in motion and that I could land somewhere. Before too long, Mom was sending me job openings from Indeed and Monster and all these other places. I'm pretty sure that I applied for about 43 gajillion jobs at OU. Not even a nibble from anywhere. My fears were coming true. I was right about the point where I thought I wasn't going to be able to keep cool anymore when Mom sent me a random Facebook ad. It was for a job posting for an outpatient treatment center, working in admissions. It sounded right up my alley, but the job posting was over a month old. I tried anyway. We obviously know that the story has a happy ending...

How often do we set out these intricate plans for life? "I'm going to accomplish A, then immediately move on to B and then eventually progress on to C." How often do those intricate plans actually work out seamlessly? We might accomplish B before we finish A. Sometimes we go from A all the way to J, then have to go all the way BACK to point A before it's all said and done. Beforehand, that was a perfect reason to get absolutely trashed. It was probably a good explanation as to why I was perfectly happy being stagnant. "If I don't even make the plans, I won't have to face the disappointment when those plans inevitably fail." Sometimes plans DON'T work. Often they don't. It's important (for me anyway) to keep at it AND to keep an open mind. Because, in the long run, you might not reach that original goal you set. But the goal you DID achieve can turn out to be far greater.

Life @ 35...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

25 was supposedly a big deal. Well, I thought that I was a big deal and so that meant me turning 25 was a big deal worth celebrating. My little group of friends spent a lot of time, effort and money and threw me a pretty awesome birthday party... complete with amazing barbecue, a DELICIOUS cake and lots and LOTS of booze. My brothers and their wives came out. If I can remember correctly (I can't remember much), I think my friends put in the effort to invite some co-workers out too. It was a lovely evening... or it WOULD'VE been lovely, if my budding alcoholism had not totally trashed it. By the end of that night, or more like the next morning... It was about this time that I had started to realize a few things about myself, and some of them were definitely not pleasant.

On the surface, I had my shit together. I was young and skinny (oh so pretty). I had a job that paid me more than I was worth. I had a place of my own (well, sorta on my own... my roommate was never home, which was AWESOME).  I was plugging along in school. I had a booming social life.  Life was fairly picturesque for 25 year old John.

On the inside, I may have had my youth but I was NOT healthy. Little did I know that the job was soon going to be on very thin ice and fail me (or I guess I failed it). The roommate eventually asked me to move out. I may have been in school, but I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. My social life was so shallow and I was about to run away the few loyal friends that I had. It wasn't nearly as pretty as it looked. I was realizing that my sexuality, even as a recently "out" gay man, wasn't as black and white. And, to top it all off, I was starting to come to terms that I might have a problem with alcoholism.

You definitely know the story, that alcoholism definitely blossomed over the next decade. But it isn't the nightmare it sounds like it would be. Believe it or not, it DOES have a happy ending...

Now, I've taken the pain and experiences and turned it into a career working with others struggling with addiction issues. I finished my first degree and am well on my way into my second one, with a VERY clear picture of what I want to do "when I grow up." I may not be in the best shape of my life, but I've learned that health is so much more than just physical. I've accepted that sexuality isn't black and white. I've found someone that I'm more than happy with and is happy with me. She accepts me for me and loves every bit of it. It may be small in number, but I have the best group of friends I ever could have asked for. Plus, I'm actually on good terms with my family... and I love my family.

Corona definitely throws some curveballs into the first 24 hours of my new year, but I know this is only temporary. Things will either go back to "normal"... or they won't. If they don't, I have a program and people that teach me that I can adapt and grow and accept the things that I cannot change... but remembering to have the courage to change the things that I can. With the state of things, it is odd to feel optimistic about the upcoming year. But I am. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm excited to see what #35 has in store for me.

An Attitude of Gratitude...

TWO years. 24 Months. 104 Weeks. 730 Days. Over 17,000 Hours! Happy "Birthday" to meeeeeee!!!!!!

At any given time, in the Oklahoma City metro area, you can walk into one of the local Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouses and find a meeting being held on the topic of "gratitude." I think the number of gratitude meetings increases tenfold during the month of November, probably to coincide with Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season. Some in recovery absolutely love gratitude meetings, while others absolutely despise them. While I don't see the point in loathing the meetings, I guess I could understand their being a point in time where I would be like "meh. Don't tell me what to do. If I'm cranky, let me be cranky! I have nothing to be grateful for!" Fortunately, I'm not in one of those moods right now, nor have I been in quite some time! Life has been just one big steaming pile of change here lately, but it's all good. It's not easy, but it's good. Plus, by the time November comes around, I have PLENTY to be grateful for...

Work, work work!
Shortly after Labor Day, it started to become pretty impossible to ignore the fact that I needed to start looking elsewhere for work. I needed a bump in pay, since I'll be moving out in March. I also needed to find a job that had a little more flexibility with the hours, since I'll start working on practicum hours this summer. For those reasons, and a few others, I started the job hunt once again. It didn't take too long before some potentials popped up. Within a few weeks, I had a job offer from DHS... AND a job offer from Men's Firstep as their new program coordinator. Although the position with DHS definitely paid more, my heart told me to take the position with Firstep. I turned in my resignation and started working full time for OKC Metro Alliance (Firstep) on October 21, 2019.

We're three weeks in and I absolutely love it. I get to work directly with the guys and help them maneuver through the program and they help me on a daily basis by reminding me what it was like to be a client/resident of Firstep. You're either one of those clients that is HUNGRY for sobriety, willing to do anything you can to get it or you're not. The only difference between where I was and where I am now is that I need to work with those "not" clients and meet them where they are. I can't make them WANT sobriety, but I can show them that it is achievable and it has some pretty kick-ass results.

School Daze
So there obviously has been something keeping me pretty occupied for the last two months (since I haven't written anything in that time) and you would be a PRETTY good guesser if you said that the prime culprit of what gobbles up my time is SCHOOL. I was enrolled in nine hours (three classes) this first semester. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but... damn. Between work, school and "other (everything else in life), it takes some pretty creative juggling to make it all jive. Overall, I'd say I'm moderately successful. I have work down and I can definitely fit school in there, but it is satisfying that "other" category that is proving to be a bitch. I just don't have enough time in the day! There's "me" time, relationship time, sobriety time, family time... all of that. Ugh. I'm workin' on it.

ANYWAYS... school is going great. I absolutely love my classes and I feel like I'm learning a LOT. They aren't wasting your time with any filler classes, they are just going straight for the juicy stuff. They are teaching us EXACTLY what we need to do to get our license and get out there and WORK! The subject matter, while challenging, is exactly what I love. The work is difficult and time-consuming, but it makes me think "man, I KNOW that I'm going into the right field" on a daily basis. This first semester is nearing the end, and it looks QUITE possible that I'll make straight A's. I just have to keep up the work until December 6!

If all of those puzzle pieces fall perfectly into place over the next two years, I'm really hoping that the "school" part of life and the "work" part of life just kind of meld together. I really hope that I can take my degree and I apply it to working with Metro Alliance and I can just kind of continue to "grow up" within this organization and stay here after graduation. That's the ideal situation anyway...

It's the Holiday Season (hoop-de-do and dickery dock...)
...and don't forget to hang up your sock! Sorry, I didn't mean to spontaneously start typing Christmas lyrics, but I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!!! Despite the mindless rigmarole of daily life, I absolutely love the holiday season. Especially now that I'm in somewhat of a position to be able to afford SOME sort of presents for my family. Even with the frustration/confusion of the who's, what's, when's and where's, it usually has a tendency to work itself out. Thanksgiving will be new this year, I'll be going up to Tulsa with Megan and having turkey day with her fam. I'll be off on Black Friday, but I doubt I do a whole bunch of anything special. Christmas Eve will consist of the "normal" holiday get-together with my fam. I think we're having it at Denise's... which was fun last year. Meg and I might have a little surprise up our sleeves. Christmas Day is also the usual, presents and breakfast in the morning and then I'll go see a movie with Ma and Nicky. What will we see? Who knows. I'm going to try and push for "1917." I haven't even gotten far enough to think about what in the world new year's includes... But I know everything will work out! I know I'm not super wealthy and life isn't PERFECT, but this is definitely where that "gratitude" month starts playing into everything. We (or I) have it pretty damn awesome, especially compared to the rest of the world. It's DEFINITELY amazing compared to how I was or where I was this time two years ago. This brings me to the next topic...

It's my Birthday (and I'll cry if I want to?)
By this time on November 13, 2017, the proverbial shit had already hit the fan and I was (probably?) laying on a cot at the Public Inebriate Alternative (aka the Drunk Tank) in Oklahoma City. My emotions spanned the entire spectrum from indifference to anger to giving up and finally to complete surrender. I'm fortunate that I had a family that was still willing to come and pick me up, even after the endless amounts of shit that I had pulled. We had a brief and stern, yet compassionate conversation when we got home. Then we went to bed, not knowing what the future would bring.

I was fortunate to have a girlfriend that didn't run for the hills when she found out that I had been keeping a not-so-little secret from her for about six months. These people stood by my side and helped me take the next steps from TRC and then on to long-term treatment at Firstep. Six months of ups and downs and struggles and victories. "Graduating" from Firstep and going back out into the "real world." Rebuilding my life. Working. Going back to school. GRADUATING school. Going BACK to school. Making the return to Firstep as staff instead of a client. All of it was possible because of brutal honesty with a police officer who decided to show me a little bit of mercy and turn right down one street instead of turning left onto another. Then I decided to keep my promise to Officer Loggins and I didn't pick up a drink on the 14th. I kept fighting and started to string days together.

Honestly, day 730 doesn't really feel a whole lot different than day 700. I'm excited and I'm proud, but this is life now. This is the new "normal." Parts of that old life still pop up every once in a while, but I have the tools to know how to handle them appropriately. Those tools help me get through day 730. I might even get a day 731...

It's Not You, It's Me...

When we last "talked," nearly TWO months ago (sorry about that), you could probably read through the lines and see that the last post I made was more of a "pep talk" of sorts for myself more than anything. While the Crisis Center is a critically important facility that does AMAZING work with people who are in literal life-or-death situations and is staffed by people who have a special place in their heart for people who are suffering, it just wasn't a right fit for me. It takes a VERY special person to work there. The people I worked with are incredible. They definitely don't do it for the money, that's for certain. Many of them work there because they have been in similar situations and feel empathy and compassion towards these people who don't feel like they deserve to be on this earth. I also felt that empathy and compassion towards the patients, but I didn't feel like I could provide that sense of safety and security that is needed for both the patients AND my fellow employees. I feel for the management, I know it's super difficult to keep people there. Not because of something that management IS or ISN'T doing, it's just the nature of that position. People that are built to work in a facility like that are wonderful but RARE.

If I'm being honest, I think I knew from day one that it just wasn't going to work. I just wanted to make sure that I gave it a fair shot. I thought maybe there would be one day that something might snap or click or whatever... I'd wake up and be like "a-ha! I can do this!" It obviously never came. What made it difficult, though, is I got to the point where I REALLY liked the people I worked with. They were more than just people who were training me to do a job, or even just co-workers. They became friends. I got to know a lot of their stories, and they got to know mine. But I knew that they would understand, and they ultimately did understand. When I finally turned in my two weeks notice, they were sad to see me go. But, more importantly, they were excited to see what was in store for me next.

It wasn't long after I started the new position in April, that my old supervisor reached out to me and started the talks of what it would take to get me back. I felt for her, because these people were ALSO people that I cared for. They had become my family over the nine months I had worked there. It hurt to leave, but I had to... but it didn't mean I stopped caring for them or even stop caring for the agency as a whole. I still supported their cause and wanted them to succeed. It took some time to work out the boring details, but we FINALLY came to an agreement and I had several good conversations with her and the director that eased any anxiety I had about coming back. My first day back was June 17th.

So, we wrap up my first week back at the "old job" and things seem to be falling into place. Things are back to how they were back before shit really went south at the beginning of the year. I can say that I enjoy my job and I feel like I'm making a difference (hopefully). I've also started working part time for Firstep, helping out in the office. They experienced some drama that has caused them to be really understaffed, so I thought I could help. Plus, it provides a little extra cashola in the pocket. That never hurts.

I'm just over 19 months sober and don't plan on stopping any time soon. There are definitely some big life events on the horizon, I just have to make sure I stay sober and do the next right thing and those things will start happening! :-)

Holding Their Hope...

As my first month as a "consumer recovery specialist" with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services come to an end, my thoughts on where I am in life and what exactly I'm supposed to be doing have absolutely been all over the place. I accepted the position thinking that my experience over the last 17 months has given me the ability to empathize and show compassion to the people that seek our services in some of the darkest times of their lives.

It didn't take long for me to start to wonder "am I in over my head?" The patients that come to the Oklahoma County Crisis Intervention Center struggle more with severe mental illness than addiction struggles that I'm used to working with. My experience is more with those who struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism and not so much people who struggle with things like schizophrenia. It has been very easy for me to leave after an eight hour shift at work thinking to myself that I'm not having any sort of positive effect on these patients. It's frustrating. 

I had been working on this post for well over a week, and I thought it was almost done. I stepped away from or it for a day or two and just came back to it... it was way too much and it was just a bad case of word vomit. It was a good representation of what was going on in my head, though. After several good conversations that I've had over the last day or so, not to mention being off for a couple of days, I feel a lot more calm and collected.  So I decided to scratch it and start fresh. 

My mind keeps going back to a presentation that I heard while at the "New Employee Orientation" that was held at the central office two weeks ago. The presenters seemed like they would trade off between talking about the more boring department policies and procedures or talking about the deeper reasons of why we are here or how we're helping the community as a whole. It was pretty easy to see that there is an overwhelming need for mental health services and the resources just aren't there. The services that are needed sometimes make the difference between life and death.

One presenter got up and spoke about how sometimes it is difficult to see that we're making any sort of difference or progress. It is important to remember that these people we work with are carrying so much stress, trauma, illness and other baggage that they can't do it alone. Our job is to walk along side them and carry their hope for them. After they seek services and make that progress, we can hand that hope back to them to carry on their own. That simple, but powerful explanation of what we're doing stuck with me for the rest of the orientation and (luckily) has stuck in the back of my head since then. I think it's made a difference on the fact that I'm still hanging on during this difficult transition. 

So, my current position isn't going to necessarily see people "cured" of their illnesses or I'm not going to be seeing something similar to seeing a patient get their one year sobriety chip. My position is down in the trenches, during those first few days. These people don't see any hope or that it can get much better. My job is to show them that smile, listen to their stories and share mine as well. I'll hold on to that hope until hopefully they can hold on to it themselves.

(500) Days of... Recovery...

Ya like my artwork?!? I thought it was pretty damn clever. I thought about cutting a little picture of my face and putting it over Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's head, so maybe it would look like me... but, honestly, that took too much effort. So you get the idea! :-)

Anyways, I'm 500 days sober as of today! It's MORE than a year, but not quite to that 18 month milestone. I tried to look back on what was going on in my world on March 28th, 2017 and this is what I can gather so far...

I think it was about this time last year that I truly hit that groove at Firstep. I posted something on "Candid Thoughts" on March 10th about losing fellow Firstepper Ben and my good friend Jerry from LLL. After that, there isn't another blog post until MAY. I totally dropped the ball on that one... but it was for good reason! I became REALLY busy in life at Firstep. I didn't feel the need to hide behind my journal anymore, nor did I really have any time for it. The darkness and uncertainty that surrounded my life and my alcoholism was getting replaced by light and faith that things were going to turn out okay! There was still plenty of uncertainty, I couldn't help but look ahead at the coming months and what I was going to do with myself. I would be graduating from the Firstep program in exactly two more months and I was pretty certain that I was going to stay on board with OKC Metro Alliance as a residential adviser. Life was simple back then, REALLY simple. We all know (or do we?) what happens next. Over the next several months, I've worked for an awesome non-profit agency, put myself through school. stayed sober and lived a pretty great life.

Oddly enough, today is another milestone. Today is my last day at my current job. I've enjoyed working at Specialized Outpatient Services for just short of nine months. I definitely could've seen myself staying there longer, if only things had worked out differently. BUT God obviously had some other plans in store for me, and being made part-time was a gentle nudge in the right direction to where I need to be going. Starting Monday, I'll be a state employee once again. Going into the second 500 days and starting a new adventure! I look forward to what exciting stuff lies ahead in my (sometimes) exciting life.

Patience... It's A Virtue...

Would you believe that, with as much as I struggle with it on a daily basis, that I have never written a blog entry regarding the topic of PATIENCE?! Yeah. I know. I'm super surprised, too. I have had the idea, but I didn't want to be repetitive, so I did the search... and NOTHING! Yeah. It seems like a pretty pertinent topic nowadays, definitely worthy of discussing. Sometimes my patience is tested on a super small level, something like the guy in front of me is driving ridiculously slow or the internet is craaaawwling and Facebook won't load fast enough. Other times, my patience is tested at some grand existential level, where I find it difficult to stay patient and calm because things aren't happening on my timeline. It happens when dealing with those BIG life issues: money, love, life, school, work, living situation, etc. Anyway you look at it, impatience is DEFINITELY still a character defect that continues to cause me issues.

A perfect example of impatience happened to me a few weeks ago. After the recent shake-up at work (see the post "Bad News Bears" for further info...), I started to throw my name (and my resume) out into the job market. Fairly quickly, a VERY promising job prospect appeared on the horizon. It was one that I had honestly never really considered (for myself) before. It was definitely a little more "corporate" than I'm used to, definitely further away than I'm used to looking and not necessarily up my alley or area of expertise... but I was thinking that I could've made it work. Plus, when I found out about the potential money that I could be making, I was TOTALLY on board. I went from being all social work-y and working in a service field to being Mr. Corporate Cloud... ready to make the big bucks. In talking with the recruiter, I was led to believe that it wasn't IF I was going to get hired, it was more like "WHEN you get hired, which position will they place you in?" The job was almost certainly mine, and so I became increasingly impatient while waiting for the results of my TWO interviews. The corporate recruiter who had stayed in touch with me during the beginning of the process all of a sudden went AWOL. No phone call and no e-mail. After waiting for almost a week, I found out that the answer was sadly (or maybe not-so-sadly) a big fat NO. I've been turned down for PLENTY of jobs before, but something about this was especially devastating. Looking back at it now, I realize that it's because I had started to make assumptions that the job was mine, quickly followed by making plans on what I was going to do with all of that money. I feel like I was kind of playing God, assuming that things were going to go MY way instead of sitting back and listening to what my Higher Power might have to say about the ordeal.

God: "Eh, John, do you really think you'll be happy doing this?
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Now John, listen, it is really far away. How can you make that logistically work?"
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Ok, I hate to have to do this..."

That news definitely pushed my impatience-o-meter off the charts, and it definitely didn't take long for that to start trickling into all the other areas of my life. I have definitely been short with friends, family, coworkers and everybody in between. STAYING positive has been a real struggle. After a few weeks, I think that things have definitely leveled back out now. With my school FINALLY over, that is one less thing that I have to worry about. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. If I can just NOT act like a super-impatient dick, I'm fairly certain good things will continue to happen to me. Despite the series of setbacks, I do have an overall optimistic outlook into my future. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I think I'm due for some good news sometime (hopefully) soon!

In other news, I unintentionally celebrated 16 months of sustained sobriety today. I say "unintentionally" due to the fact that I didn't even really think about it until after Megan sent me a "Happy Sober-versary" text. I think I'm getting to that point where it IS just a normal, every day thing. I don't find myself white-knuckling it near as much. Even when I took the big hit to the pocketbook because of the job situation and then followed by this big hit to the ego when I got turned down for the corporate position, alcohol didn't even cross my mind. Now, thinking about what kind of tasty food I was going to have for dinner sure did... but we'll work on that diet soon enough. 

Bad News Bears...

Well, life can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Looking back, I honestly think my last post was a whole lot of foresight and maaayybbeee some sort of premonition about the events that were about to unfold...

I have to admit that, since November 2017, life has been pretty damned good. I graduated from FIRSTEP and immediately went into what seemed to be a promising job...maybe even a career. I strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I continued to grow my relationship with Megan. I became more and more confident and strong in my sobriety. I started thinking about making healthy choices when it came to my weight. I took the initiative and started back to school. It seemed like all of these choices were yielding me positive results and I was taking nothing but steps in the right direction.

So,  things have definitely been rough at work for about the last month, I think I was trying to make it seem as if the last post was a culmination of different stresses getting to me, but it was pretty much all about work. The numbers have been going south and people have been under a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and apparently it just wasn't working. I was getting some weird vibes from the people closest to me in the office and it just had an absolutely awful effect on me. Turns out the vibes were totally real. I had a meeting on Wednesday with my boss and the owner of the company. They brought me into her office and let me know, that effective February 25th, my position would be a part-time position. I would go from working 40 hours a week and working a job with PTO and health insurance to working 20-25 hours a week and NO insurance or PTO. I was fairly shocked to say the least.

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is the biggest setback that I've faced in my life since being sober. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm incredibly proud of myself for how I've handled the situation. I told the powers-that-be that I was willing to stay on board as part-time. I told them that I would be looking for another part-time position to make up the difference. If I managed to find a full-time job before they made me full-time again, that I would definitely be taking the opportunity and I would leave the company. They said that they understood and seemed to be supportive.

I've see-sawed back and forth between having that peace, serenity and acceptance OR being a big, angry, panicky mess. Luckily, when I'm the latter, I manage to keep it to myself and I don't make a big scene. I've found that I become that panicky mess when I spend too much time in my own head and I let certain parts of my brain convince me that I'm worthless and that all that I've built over the last 15 months is going to go to shit. More often than not, however, I stay pretty level-headed. The last 15 months have proven to me that, as long as I keep it cool and don't act like a dick, things tend to fall in place like they should. If I don't act out and get all pissy, all I need to do is take the next right step and God puts in place the things that need to be put in place at that time. If the thing that needs to be in place right now is another part-time job, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what's in front of me.

It's been less than a week since I received the icky news. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. I've submitted dozens of resumes and applications through the various websites, some of them would be REALLY promising and awesome opportunities. I'm already getting some nibbles and responses from those applications. So, we'll see! The times, they are a-changin!

The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!

Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...

Progress not Perfection...

In what seems like a bajillion years ago, I got my very first tattoo. The inspiration came from the cross that hangs above the altar of my former home church, St. James Episcopal. I knew that, a few weeks later, I would be making the BAD decision to move to Dallas... and I needed something that would remind me of God, my family and my home. As I made that move, life would continue to get MUCH darker and that simple cross on my bicep, albeit clichéd, constantly reminded me that I would ALWAYS be welcome back home. No matter what. In the end, it took much more than just a simple reminder to save me, but I believe that it played a part in keeping me going every day...

Flash forward to this past Christmas. Life is SO much different than when I got my cross tattoo. In 2018, I spent six months in an inpatient substance abuse treatment center and graduated from that program in May. Shortly after, I started working for a job that I absolutely LOVE and could see my self staying in this organization for a long time. I started the wheels rolling for me to get back into school and finally finish my bachelor's degree. I've rebuilt and strengthened so many relationships and friendships. Throughout all of it, I have worked a strong program of sobriety. I have worked with my sponsor as well as my sponsees and stayed connected with the treatment center that helped teach me the tools to stay sober. For the first time in my seven plus years of this program, I've finally reached ONE YEAR of sobriety. It was a big deal. But, I don't plan on resting on my laurels. I don't think I get to sit back and relax, because I have to this thing kicked. Quite the opposite.

So, the day after Christmas, I bought myself a little belated present. I got a new tattoo! Like the first one, it definitely serves a purpose. The triangle, the symbol of AA, reminds me of my disease. I will be able to look at that forearm every day and be like "oh, yeah! That's right!" More importantly, the quote "progress, not perfection" reminds me to cut myself a break. "We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

I'm gonna screw up. A lot. The tattoo reminds me that as long as I am aiming towards that progress, then my toes are facing in the right direction. I can't get too down on myself or beat myself up. Well, not TOO much. I think the tattoo is a great gift and a great tool to help me on a daily basis as I trudge along this road of happy destiny...

Don't Pull The Trigger...

On Thursday, at 430 days sober, I had this HUGE revelation. It was a definite "A-HA!" moment for me and definitely something that I can add to my "spiritual tool belt" to use for future reference. It came to me during my regular bi-annual checkup with my doctor. All was well with the doc, he was quite pleased with my weight loss. Because of that, my blood pressure and my heart rate were doing a lot better. It had also been about a year since LAST time I saw my doctor, so the last time I saw him was while I was still a resident of Firstep. I remember, during that time, that I was clinging on pretty tightly to that first step, and was willing to do just about anything to stay sober. But it was still so new to me, and I was still really new to being honest with myself and others about how I felt. This time around, he was elated to see that I had just celebrated 14 months of sobriety. I showed him my one year chip and my tattoo.

 (Oh yeah, *IDEA!* I don't think I've done a blog entry about my tattoo yet, have I?!)

I shared with him about working with my sponsor and finally making it through the twelve steps. I briefly talked about my two sponsees, getting to work with them and what kind of sponsor I am for them. I don't think he could've been any happier, hearing that I was FINALLY on the right path... after plenty of years struggling to find it. He then went on to ask me if I had been able to identify the emotion and the trigger behind what makes me drink. I'm not sure why, but the question used to frustrate me to no end. Maybe because I didn't want to look for what it was that was triggering me to drink... because I didn't actually want to quit drinking yet? I seem to remember also thinking that the question was oversimplified... like, if it was THAT easy, I'd find that trigger and eliminate it. Whatever the reason, I think I was really too stubborn to look into it much deeper.

So, he asked the question again. I honestly hadn't even thought about it... but we started talking about it. I told him I think it all boiled down to shame. Whoa. I think I might be on to something here... So, of course I was ashamed of who I had become and the things I was doing. You would think a simple answer would be to do what was necessary to change who you had become and STOP doing those things you were doing. Start changing your life and do the next right thing. That shame would go away and everything will be alright, right? Wrong.

That shame would come creeping in through the back door when I would start to feel that craving for alcohol. For whatever reason... I was happy, I was sad, the sky was blue, the day ended in "Y," or whatever else... a craving would hit. Man, a drink sure sounds good. A cocktail sure sounds nice. I remember that, whenever I would be doing (insert random activity here), I would usually enjoy a drink. Man, I'd love to experience that fuzzy feeling. A simple craving like that, and I automatically would get down on myself and think "well, shit. I'm doing something wrong" or "I'm not good enough since I'm still thinking about it." I'd hide those feelings, I would be ashamed to admit that I was still having the cravings. That shame would kick in high gear, and one of the only things that can stop that shame is to drown it in vodka. Thus, starting that vicious cycle over again.

I know now, that even alcoholics with years of sobriety under their belt can have cravings. My doctor mentioned that my drinking years hard-wired my brain to always go to or think about alcohol. It is going to take more than just a little bit of sobriety to make that go away. The difference is what you do with those thoughts and cravings. Today, I choose to talk about them and share when they are happening. There is no shame involved. When I think about that craving, I play the whole tape through... what would happen? If experience tells me anything, it says that I MIGHT get away with the first time. Nothing big would happen. Maybe. But what about the second time? Eventually shit is going to go south and things will start to get bad... like they always do. If I keep doing the next right thing and stay open and honest about how I'm feeling... that feeling of shame won't have the power over me like it used to. What a relief!

The John Show: A True Story of Paranoia at its Finest...

1998-1999 was a REALLY weird time in movies. For some odd reason, the movie studios put out near-duplicate movies, with just small plot differences and differences in the movie titles. You had the end-of-the-world asteroid movies with "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon," (the latter I think made much more money in the box office and is probably more well known in the world of pop culture... but I definitely preferred "Deep Impact). You also had the two insect-related computer-animated movies with "A Bug's Life" and "Antz." I honestly couldn't tell you much about the plot lines of either of those to pick a favorite.

It was also around this time that "reality tv" began to gain popularity in America with shows like "Big Brother" and "Survivor." So, movie studios caught on to the popularity and made TWO movies with an interesting take on reality television. You had "the Truman Show" starring Jim Carrey, about Truman (duh) who was a child that was purchased by a TV studio and was raised in a fictional setting and every aspect of his life was filmed and turned into entertainment, unbeknownst to Truman. Out of the two, I think I preferred this movie. I think it was a more serious take on reality television and the idea of what would happen once Truman starts to think that maybe every part of his life is being recorded and watched...

The other, sillier version was "Edtv," starring Matthew McConaughey. It was about "Ed," a simple video rental store employee who signed a big fancy contract with a television studio to have every aspect of his life recorded and shared with the world. As it begins to intrude on every part of his life, Ed tries to get out of the contract and the television studio refuses to let him go without threats of legal battles and coming after his family. A sweet, funny story starring McConaughey, Jenna Elfman (Dharma from "Dharma and Greg") and a not-as-well-known comedian named Ellen Degeneres. 

The two movies pose an interesting question on whether or not something like these stories COULD happen (or if they should) and whether or not my life would even make a remotely interesting reality television show. As a sober guy with my head on straight(ish), the answer to that is (of course) an overwhelming NO. But, in the past, that definitely didn't stop my mind from wandering and thinking about the alternatives. First of all, I was definitely paranoid... day in/day out. No matter what. No matter if I was doing something wrong. Well, I was always trying to hide at least ONE part of my life. Things like, hiding my own alcohol in my own apartment... even though I lived alone. Yeah. It makes no sense, but things like that seemed "normal to me." I don't think I ever got to the extremes of thinking to myself that I was being filmed at all times... but I wasn't too far off. Normal things for me were thinking that, if you were any sort of quiet or anything, that you were mad at me. If people were off talking with someone (ESPECIALLY if a door was closed), that meant you were talking about me. There might have been a time or two where I thought to myself "that car has been following me around for a while..." Alcoholism can do some really weird things to you, man.

It's all because I was living this massive lie. On the surface, I tried to put out this image of a guy trying to hold it together. I had a decent-ish job. I tried to make it seem as if I had the desire to improve things, but I really didn't. Under the surface, I had so many different lies going on at one time, it became a full time job in itself just remembering which lie was which. I was so ashamed of myself and had such a self-hatred, the last thing I wanted is for people to find out... and then THEY would hate me and be ashamed of me as well. Anybody that acted slightly weird or seemed out of place, automatically was someone or something that was about to find out how bad it really was. Of course, all of that got blown out of the water in November of 2017... and I found out that, even though I hated myself, I had plenty of friends and family who loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. No one is out to get me. People aren't always talking about me behind my back.

Now, if a police officer is behind me, that's a totally different story...

2019: The Sky's The Limit...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

If 2018 was "the year of the rehab," then I think the theme for 2019 should be "the sky's the limit!" I rang in 2018 in musty old dorm 2 of FIRSTEP, surrounded by the guys that would become my brothers over the next few months. It was a less-than-ideal occasion, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We sat around watching movies (I totally called it... "Jeepers Creepers 3" was horrible) and eating food that was the furthest away from the Weight Watchers-friendly spectrum. When the clock struck midnight, the guys celebrated, laughed and hugged. Yes, these uber-masculine "tough guys," many from oilfields and ranches across the state hugged. We held up big bottles of sparkling grape juice as if they were the finest bottles of champagne that money could buy. Shortly after, the lights were turned off and we all headed to our bunks... life returned to "normal" the following day. But, if for just a couple of hours, we were able to celebrate life like "normal" people... except we were all 100% stone-cold sober... many of us for the first time in a long, long time.

This new year was celebrated in a much more traditional manner. After I got off from work, I drove straight home and met up with Megan. We ate an ever-so-tasty (and not-so-healthy) dinner at the little diner inside the theater and then saw the 8:00PM showing of "Aquaman" (review to come!) in one of the "screening rooms" at the Warren. When the movie wrapped up, we ran back by my place to pick up a few things and headed back to her house to celebrate the new year in style (aka in pajama pants on the couch). Maybe next year we'll have some exciting and/or adventurous new year's celebrations.. but I wouldn't have changed this one for the world.

So, here we are! 2019! The year has SO much potential. All I have to do is just continue on with the momentum that I've gained through 2018 and the possibilities are pretty endless. While I've come so far from that bottom in November of 2017, it feels like I still have such a long way to go. My "to-do list" seems to actually keep growing. I have so much that I want to accomplish. I think I had pretty good success with last year's "top ten" list, so it sounds like a good idea to continue on with that and make it a yearly tradition. In a somewhat particular order, here goes nothing...





10... MOVIES! Kind of a carry over from last year's list. I definitely didn't see as many movies in 2018 as I would've liked, so I want that to change in 2019. I've looked into membership programs that a few different theaters have available, so that is looking like a definite possibility. Who knows, that might mean a few more movie reviews. :-)

9... ROAD TRIP! Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed the road trip in 2018... but it definitely wasn't the road trip I had been hoping for or planning for. It also just whet my appetite for a GOOD road trip, so maybe that might happen in 2019. It'll honestly be a miracle if it happens, scheduling and money conflicts are a mofo. But we'll see!

8... Becoming a better "blogger." I've noticed that, over the last few weeks, that writing helps a lot. It has definitely become a form of meditation for me. I bet I would only see continued benefits from more blogging in 2019. So be prepared for more posts about recovery, about my life, my ridiculous opinions, movie reviews and just general tomfoolery in the coming year.

7... Some clarity when it comes to my schedule. I don't think that I'm necessarily any busier than the average Joe or Jane out there, but sometimes it sure seems like it. Between my recovery, my personal life and my work schedule... life seems pretty hectic sometime. I think if I lay out a clear plan on what needs to go where and when, maybe that might help me remember the majority of it.

6... Be more focused on the world out there. Between all of the thoughts going on in between my two ears, social media and my phone, it can become very easy to stay wrapped up in "self." Service work is definitely one way to stay involved in the world out there. Another way I want to try is to stay aware of my surroundings and take more cool/fun/beautiful pictures of my day-to-day life.

5... Improving my health. In 2018, step one was definitely achieving sobriety. Step two was beginning to eat healthier and creating a healthier lifestyle. In 2019, I'm continuing on with that behavior. I would love to continue improving my diet and maybe getting my weight down to 200-ish. I also would love to find a way to fit in some potential gym time and actually exercise.

4... Being content with here and now. Improving my sense of PATIENCE. One thing I learned at Firstep is that things (often) don't go the way that you had originally planned. If they DO go the way you had planned, usually they don't go that way WHEN you planned them. I need to sit back and trust that things are going to happen when they are supposed to happen. I just need to focus on doing the next right thing.

3... Continued job growth. I love working where I work. I actually like and enjoy my coworkers, they make it a fun environment. I love getting to help clients (hopefully) take that first step towards recovery. There are possible job opportunities in 2019 to grow within the company OR I just want to continue growing and learning in the position where I am now. I'll be ok with either.

2... Continuing my education. I'll start back to school in a little under TWO weeks! By the end of 2019, I'll (hopefully) be a college graduate and starting the journey of working towards my masters degree! I'm super excited, but also crazy nervous.

1... Continued sobriety! My sobriety is the sole reason that I'm able to go back to school, I have a job that I love and that I'm good at and that I have plenty of strong relationships with friends and family. The only way that I'll be able to achieve ANY of this list will be if I can hold on to my sobriety in 2019. I think I can do it. :-)

2018: A Year In Review...

Despite crashing and burning in late 2017, I made some huge positive strides towards bettering my life before year's end. When I rung in 2018, I was rounding that corner. The world didn't seem so bleak, I wasn't SUCH a complete dirtbag and I might actually be able to accomplish some of these things that I set my mind out to finish. The thoughts started rummaging around in my head of "well, what DO you want to accomplish in 2018? Of course you want to graduate from Firstep... but then what?" While sitting in a crowded FIRSTEP office, I put some thought into what were the TOP 10 things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year...

10.) In 2018, I made a resolution to see more movies actually in the theater.
... Well, that really didn't come together. After graduating in May, I think I saw MAYBE five or six movies in the theater? And three of those were within these last two weeks! So, not as successful as I would like. BUT! Both AMC and Regal have membership programs that I've looked into and I'll definitely be seeing more movies in the new year!

9.) After years of being stuck here in my own funk, I made a resolution to take road trip.
...This resolution was ACHIEVED! I even went as far to say that the possibilities of achieving this were a "stretch," especially if it was much further than Sulphur. Well, I made it further than Sulphur, but not by far. The original plan was to drive to Denver, but those plans had to change at the very last minute due to car issues. We decided to stay closer to home and make a trip to Waco and then back up to Dallas for a few days. It wasn't the trip we had hoped for, but it was a good trip nonetheless!

8.) As part of my "rebuilding John" process, I made a resolution that I would have my OWN car by year's end.
...Well, with my very own 2013 Ford C-Max, this resolution was ACHIEVED! With some financial miracles and the help of two amazing parents. I have the keys to a rather nice car that are jingling around in my pocket as we speak. For this, I am very grateful.

7.) Working on my credit.
...Once I got on my feet, the financial situation was fairly dire. I had actually even looked into the possibility of filing for bankruptcy and just wiping the slate clean. For me, it just didn't feel right. Luckily, the debt management company I had worked with prior to Firstep had contacted me at JUST the right time and I have decided to work with them again rather than file for bankruptcy. Over the next 30 months, I'll be paying back everything and hopefully building that credit up to not-so-sucky levels.

6.) Working on finishing up my education.
...Once I finally felt "settled" in my job, I reached back out to OU. I wanted to finish up my bachelor's (finally) and then the goal is to ultimately go on to get my master's in social work. The first part of that goal is closer to being achieved... I start classes on January 14th. By May, I will (hopefully) be a college graduate! The next part of the goal is to pretty immediately start back to school in August. No rest for the wicked!

5.) Getting another job.
...Done and done! I remember feeling so hopeful when I wrote out my top 10 list earlier this year that I would be working for Firstep after I graduated. THAT was the perfect plan. I remember being riddled with disappointment when April and May rolled around and that just wasn't going to be in the cards. I've been with Specialized Outpatient Services for five months now, and I couldn't be much happier. The job isn't perfect, but what job is? I enjoy working with the people I work with and I get to do something that I love. It doesn't get much better than that. I would call that a definite "mission accomplished."

4.) Living a lifestyle of "willingness."
...It comes and goes, ya know? I try my best to be willing. I'd like to say that I'm living a lifestyle of willingness more often than not, but I wouldn't say I always have the best attitude about it. But I am trying! I know I have responsibilities and things I promised I would do or places that I would be... but it gets tiring sometimes. So much to do, so little time... or something like that. I have to cut myself some slack. I am doing a lot.

3.) Embracing an "attitude of gratitude."
... I'd like to say that I am a grateful person. Hopefully those people that are important to me KNOW that they are important to me and I am very grateful for what they do and who they are. Not to say that I can't continue to improve. I think everyone, myself included, could become more grateful about all of life's blessing in our day-to-day. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

2.) Improving relationships with friends, family and people around me.
...My relationships continue to grow and improve. I'm closer than ever to my parents and my family. I have a great relationship with Megan. I'm developing closer friendships with people in the program and with my coworkers. While I like my "me" time, I know that I can't (and I don't want to) do this alone. A circle of friends, family and those closest to me will help ensure that I continue to lead a happy and SOBER life.

1.) Continued sobriety!
...I'm well over 400 days sober at this point. I'd say that is a definite success! I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too. :-)

The Road Ahead...

Step eleven reads "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Even though it's almost at the bottom of the list, the eleventh step was one of the first ones that I started to work as often as possible. When I can take the time to pray and/or meditate, things seem to fall into place a little easier, life becomes slightly less chaotic. Once I invite my higher power into the mix, the life that I have made so unmanageable seems to be a little more manageable. If I keep Him out and stay in my own head and purposefully seek MY will... that's when life becomes more difficult. I become irritable, restless and discontented. That's a dangerous place to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY not some sort of Buddha/Gandhi/meditation guru. Quite the contrary. More often than not, prayer is just a simple conversation between my and God, usually in the shower or when I'm by myself. It doesn't have to be some beautifully written prayer like the Prayer of St. Francis. Meditation is a way for me to control my breathing, (hopefully) slow my thoughts down and help me decide what I need to do to stay on the beam...or make something right and put me back on that beam. For me, where prayer is a conversation with God, meditation can be a conversation with myself, or simply listening.

A thought came to me last night, while we were discussing the eleventh step in the meeting. So many of us (myself included) want that instant gratification in everything we do, prayer and meditation is no exception. I want the burning bush, an immediate answer or to be immediately calmed and at peace. It doesn't always work like that. Prayer and meditation is more like an anti-depressant. You have to take it for a while before it really starts to enter your system and change how you feel. It may take a while for my thoughts and actions to show the results of my prayer. Likewise, on the other end, if you stop taking the anti-depressant, it doesn't stop working immediately. It takes some time to work its way out of your system. If you stop praying, you won't immediately lose control and/or relapse and life gets crazy. But after a while, I bet you'd find yourself a little more irritable, restless and discontented.

I'll finish with one of my favorite prayers. It's from Thomas Merton, and while it may not be as beautifully or poetically written as St. Francis' prayer, I find it just as effective:

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Amen.

A Vision For Me...

Yeah, yeah, I know... the chapter is actually titled A Vision For You, but what can I say? I'm selfish. It's all about me (duh). As you could probably guess, the chapter lays out the possibilities of a life that you can find once you put down the bottle and start working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. "You will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." I don't know about you, but I think that sounds pretty dang good, especially compared to the life that I had been living before...

But that's the kicker... was life before really all that bad?!? What a dangerous thought. Mom and I were discussing how, here recently, I will occasionally actually miss my father. It is a weird feeling, considering I don't really have much positive to say about him right now. We worked out, that what it was that I was feeling was missing what was. I missed those positive memories I had with Dad many, many years ago. Even if I were to rekindle the relationship with him now, the likelihood of me recapturing or reliving those memories would be pretty slim to none. For me, the same goes for my days of drinking. Yes, there were PLENTY of amazing memories of times that alcohol was involved that I had great times with friends and family. But, the book is totally right that it wasn't like that near the end. The end of my drinking days were dark and depressing. The Big Book says it best... "the old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past."

I could honestly write a book about "the great moments." It took a time for me to really enjoy alcohol, but once I did... man, I LOVED it. Happy hour with coworkers, "pre-gaming" before going out with friends, working the political fundraisers... there were a LOT of really good memories. But I have to play that tape the whole way through. Out of the 12 years or so of my drinking career... how many of those were actually happy? Eventually, happy memories started to become tainted with not-so-happy conclusions. But I continued to drink, thinking that "this time will be different," or "I can live those happy days again!" But it never happened. It continued to get worse. There near the end, I didn't drink to find the release from care, boredom or worry. I drank to exist. I drank to feel numb and just be able to make it through the day. I felt like I was never going to be able to live without it.

I'm over a year sober now, and just celebrated my SECOND round of sober holidays. After an amazing Christmas, I find myself filled with that attitude of gratitude. Come to think of it, I think that vision WAS for me. Because my life DOES mean something at last. This was the best Christmas in many years. While I wasn't really looking forward to waking up so early, I was looking forward to getting to come into work today. I get to do something I enjoy. I'm pretty certain the most satisfactory years of my life lie ahead. I think I'm going to continue trudging along that Road of Happy Destiny.

Humility...

I absolutely love the progressive step study meeting at LLL on Thursday nights. It's usually all men, around 10 or so of us, and they range from somewhere around my age to probably in their late 60's to early 70's. The majority of them have plenty of sobriety under their belt, but occasionally someone comes in who is still newer to the program. Regardless of where they are, I love hearing different perspectives regarding the steps. There are plenty of times that I share my thoughts on a step, thinking that I have a pretty good grasp or understanding about what the original authors were trying to say. Then, once other people share THEIR thoughts on the step, most of the time I feel like I have to go back to square one. I don't mean that in a bad way whatsoever, it's just that it makes me realize that "nope, I think I may have been coming at that one all wrong, I think I need to try again."

Last night's meeting on the seventh step was definitely one of those meetings. Step seven reads "humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." I was one of the first to read and share, and my mind seemed to focus in on the word "shortcomings." I immediately thought of all of those character defects I carry around and have been for years. This program is teaching me to work on those and pray on the willingness to not rely on those anymore. I focused on how I'm learning to treat myself better and, in return, treat others better as well. I used to think soooooo lowly of myself. I was such a piece of garbage, a disappointment and not really worth any sort of effort or attention. Now I'm able to remind myself that those thoughts are not true and that I am WORTH it. I am doing the work to right my wrongs and re-build a "new and improved" John. I also know that I need to cut myself a lot of slack, I'm not perfect. As long as I acknowledge and understand that, as well as remain open and willing to learn... I'm exactly where I need to be.

While I wasn't necessarily incorrect, per se, the other guys in the meeting (for the most part) all honed in on the word "humbly" and therefore all talked about what humility is and what it means to possess humility. Everybody seemed to confess a not-so-sure understanding of what humility is, others discussed the idea that they think they knew what humility was... but had a real difficult time reaching it. I loved all of the honesty. One of the last guys shared the quote that I posted above, by C.S. Lewis. The idea just blew my mind. Everyone seemed to confuse the idea of humility with the idea of being a human doormat. That, in order to be humble, you had to lower yourself and grovel. Not the case, whatsoever. He continued on to talk about the idea that, even if you are the type that thinks you are pure garbage (such as myself,) you are still thinking about yourself. So your self-hatred and everything is still a form of arrogance. Say wha!? I had always associated the idea of arrogance with cockiness. "I'm the best at this or I'm better than..." If your head is filled with all these thoughts of yourself, negative OR positive, it leaves little to no room for anything or anyone else.

I need to continue to do better. Stay out of myself. Help others. Don't think highly of myself. Don't think lowly of myself. Think of someone else. Hmm... goals to strive for.

Extravagant Promises? We Think Not...

For a few days prior, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say when I finally stood behind that podium at LLL's birthday meeting. I knew I wanted to thank certain people, share certain experiences and definitely share with everyone what my life was like now. I went to sleep on Saturday night and, for whatever reason, had several continuous nightmares in which I relapsed over and over again. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I do remember feeling certain emotions. I felt anger, disappointment, confusion and definitely plenty of fear. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of knowing that this would hurt people all over again. I felt fear because I knew exactly where this was going to lead me. They were incredibly dark feelings. I knew that I wanted to share those feelings. I also wanted to share that, when I woke up, I was immediately overwhelmed with the feelings of joy and relief... it was all just a dream! I don't have to live that life anymore and I possess the tools to avoid ever having to feel those feelings after a relapse ever again.

I had a very rough draft version of what I was going to share rumbling around in my head. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as soon as they started singing and my sponsor handed me the flaming cupcake... things get a little fuzzy. I DO know that I almost lit my sleeve on fire. Luckily Shannon was paying closer attention to the candle than I was. After that, I got behind the podium and began to speak. I think I hit on some of the important parts that I wanted to share, but I know I COMPLETELY blanked on other important parts... like taking the time to thank certain people. Maybe it was for the best, because I might not have held it together as I went down the list. I also would've run the risk of accidentally leaving someone out and hurting feelings and I wanted to do ANYTHING but that. So, I decided to wrap everything up by sharing the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous with those in the crowd who weren't familiar with them. As I went line by line, I had the desire to expand on particular promises and add my own flair or flavor to them, but I wanted to keep them intact... until now:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...
I can say that I'm truly the happiest that I have been since... probably before my parents divorced. Yeah, life is FAR from perfect, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I have more than "acceptance" or "living life on life's terms," it's something more like "be happy with life, despite life's terms" or something like that... if that even makes sense.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
My past is a part of who I am. Without certain events playing out the way they did,  I wouldn't be exactly where I am today. I don't want to change where I am today. My past helps shape me and helps make me useful for people who have gone through or are going through the same types of situations.

We will comprehend the word serenity...
Not always easy, but becoming easier everyday. I don't feel like I'm as angry as often. If I DO get angry, I find it a lot easier to calm myself down.

And we will know peace...
I definitely want to get a STRONGER grasp on peace, but I think it's a lot better than it was before. I do struggle with anxiety, but rather than just drown it in vodka, I do know how to identify it and handle it more appropriately.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...
Kinda like I mentioned earlier, everything that I've done and all of those things that used to make me hate myself become my assets and makes me more attractive yet approachable to those who need help.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear...
I don't feel that overwhelming desire to isolate and withdraw from everything and everyone because "what can I add? I'll probably just be a nuisance." I can reach out to these guys at FIRSTEP, because I AM useful. I can try and help this understand different perspectives on step work. I can help them understand why Brent and the other staff might say or do certain things. I can be a listening ear if they need to talk. I can be a friend. I know what I have to offer. I don't feel sorry for myself because I CAN'T offer certain things or if I don't have certain things... that's just not meant to be. Why waste time on that?

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows...
While, yes, I do care for and am willing to do a lot of things for my brothers at Firstep, fellow alcoholics, friends, family and whoever... I am still selfish. This is a daily practice to try and stay out of my self and put myself out there, where I can be useful. Some days are easier or more successful than others. I can tell you one thing, no I really don't WANT to wake up early in the morning and go do stepwork with another alcoholic... but I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Of course, I would much rather sleep in. But I know my sponsor and plenty of others who would go out of their way to do those things for me. I should do that, too.

Self-seeking will slip away...
Yep. I'm not perfect, something that definitely still needs to be worked on. I do know that I try my best to not do these things for other people for dishonest reasons. I don't get out there and help or do whatever I can for some sort of praise or reward... I need to do those things because that's what good people do. I wanna be a good person.

Our whole attitude and outlook will change...
Some days yes, other days I think less than pleasant thoughts about various people, places and things that I can't control.

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us...
I'm working on it. I am very comfortable around MY people. I can interact with Firsteppers, even the newer guys that I don't know yet, very casually. I talk comfortably with strangers all the time. But, if you drop me into a new situation or surrounding, I still get uncomfortable and awkward. Economic insecurity has definitely left me. I'm broke. I know I'm broke. I'm ok with being broke. People will love me despite me being broke. My bank account may be worthless, but I'M not worthless.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...
This is ultimately a goal. I still feel like I ask a lot of questions. I think I'm beginning to get that intuition, but I doubt myself. I feel like I know what to do, but I still need to turn around and ask... "is that right?" Nothing wrong with that.

We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
I am in a pretty consistent state of awe these days. What I'm doing, HOW I'm doing and where I am right now defies all logical explanation. That can only leave some sort of divine intervention. I know, I know... it sounds cheesy. I took that first step and still take it daily. I admitted that I was powerless. I continue to believe in a Higher Power that will take care of me if I do the next right thing... and my God hasn't let me down. When I don't necessarily get the answers that I want, I try my best (and sometimes succeed) that God has a bigger/better plan and allow it to be worked out... so far it has.

...

As I thought through all of these now, especially the later ones that I feel like I'm still working on, the thought kept popping into my head "progress, not perfection." I don't really have any of these down packed, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on myself. I'm actually DOING the work instead of sitting idly by or resting on my laurels or whatever. I highly doubt I'll ever get it ALL down packed and part of me doesn't really want to. There is always something new to learn, a different perspective to take into consideration, a new story to listen to. So here is to another year! December 1, 2019... be there for my SECOND sobriety birthday celebration at LLL!