1998-1999 was a REALLY weird time in movies. For some odd reason, the movie studios put out near-duplicate movies, with just small plot differences and differences in the movie titles. You had the end-of-the-world asteroid movies with "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon," (the latter I think made much more money in the box office and is probably more well known in the world of pop culture... but I definitely preferred "Deep Impact). You also had the two insect-related computer-animated movies with "A Bug's Life" and "Antz." I honestly couldn't tell you much about the plot lines of either of those to pick a favorite.
It was also around this time that "reality tv" began to gain popularity in America with shows like "Big Brother" and "Survivor." So, movie studios caught on to the popularity and made TWO movies with an interesting take on reality television. You had "the Truman Show" starring Jim Carrey, about Truman (duh) who was a child that was purchased by a TV studio and was raised in a fictional setting and every aspect of his life was filmed and turned into entertainment, unbeknownst to Truman. Out of the two, I think I preferred this movie. I think it was a more serious take on reality television and the idea of what would happen once Truman starts to think that maybe every part of his life is being recorded and watched...
The other, sillier version was "Edtv," starring Matthew McConaughey. It was about "Ed," a simple video rental store employee who signed a big fancy contract with a television studio to have every aspect of his life recorded and shared with the world. As it begins to intrude on every part of his life, Ed tries to get out of the contract and the television studio refuses to let him go without threats of legal battles and coming after his family. A sweet, funny story starring McConaughey, Jenna Elfman (Dharma from "Dharma and Greg") and a not-as-well-known comedian named Ellen Degeneres.
The two movies pose an interesting question on whether or not something like these stories COULD happen (or if they should) and whether or not my life would even make a remotely interesting reality television show. As a sober guy with my head on straight(ish), the answer to that is (of course) an overwhelming NO. But, in the past, that definitely didn't stop my mind from wandering and thinking about the alternatives. First of all, I was definitely paranoid... day in/day out. No matter what. No matter if I was doing something wrong. Well, I was always trying to hide at least ONE part of my life. Things like, hiding my own alcohol in my own apartment... even though I lived alone. Yeah. It makes no sense, but things like that seemed "normal to me." I don't think I ever got to the extremes of thinking to myself that I was being filmed at all times... but I wasn't too far off. Normal things for me were thinking that, if you were any sort of quiet or anything, that you were mad at me. If people were off talking with someone (ESPECIALLY if a door was closed), that meant you were talking about me. There might have been a time or two where I thought to myself "that car has been following me around for a while..." Alcoholism can do some really weird things to you, man.
It's all because I was living this massive lie. On the surface, I tried to put out this image of a guy trying to hold it together. I had a decent-ish job. I tried to make it seem as if I had the desire to improve things, but I really didn't. Under the surface, I had so many different lies going on at one time, it became a full time job in itself just remembering which lie was which. I was so ashamed of myself and had such a self-hatred, the last thing I wanted is for people to find out... and then THEY would hate me and be ashamed of me as well. Anybody that acted slightly weird or seemed out of place, automatically was someone or something that was about to find out how bad it really was. Of course, all of that got blown out of the water in November of 2017... and I found out that, even though I hated myself, I had plenty of friends and family who loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. No one is out to get me. People aren't always talking about me behind my back.
Now, if a police officer is behind me, that's a totally different story...
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