On Thursday, at 430 days sober, I had this HUGE revelation. It was a definite "A-HA!" moment for me and definitely something that I can add to my "spiritual tool belt" to use for future reference. It came to me during my regular bi-annual checkup with my doctor. All was well with the doc, he was quite pleased with my weight loss. Because of that, my blood pressure and my heart rate were doing a lot better. It had also been about a year since LAST time I saw my doctor, so the last time I saw him was while I was still a resident of Firstep. I remember, during that time, that I was clinging on pretty tightly to that first step, and was willing to do just about anything to stay sober. But it was still so new to me, and I was still really new to being honest with myself and others about how I felt. This time around, he was elated to see that I had just celebrated 14 months of sobriety. I showed him my one year chip and my tattoo.
(Oh yeah, *IDEA!* I don't think I've done a blog entry about my tattoo yet, have I?!)
I shared with him about working with my sponsor and finally making it through the twelve steps. I briefly talked about my two sponsees, getting to work with them and what kind of sponsor I am for them. I don't think he could've been any happier, hearing that I was FINALLY on the right path... after plenty of years struggling to find it. He then went on to ask me if I had been able to identify the emotion and the trigger behind what makes me drink. I'm not sure why, but the question used to frustrate me to no end. Maybe because I didn't want to look for what it was that was triggering me to drink... because I didn't actually want to quit drinking yet? I seem to remember also thinking that the question was oversimplified... like, if it was THAT easy, I'd find that trigger and eliminate it. Whatever the reason, I think I was really too stubborn to look into it much deeper.
So, he asked the question again. I honestly hadn't even thought about it... but we started talking about it. I told him I think it all boiled down to shame. Whoa. I think I might be on to something here... So, of course I was ashamed of who I had become and the things I was doing. You would think a simple answer would be to do what was necessary to change who you had become and STOP doing those things you were doing. Start changing your life and do the next right thing. That shame would go away and everything will be alright, right? Wrong.
That shame would come creeping in through the back door when I would start to feel that craving for alcohol. For whatever reason... I was happy, I was sad, the sky was blue, the day ended in "Y," or whatever else... a craving would hit. Man, a drink sure sounds good. A cocktail sure sounds nice. I remember that, whenever I would be doing (insert random activity here), I would usually enjoy a drink. Man, I'd love to experience that fuzzy feeling. A simple craving like that, and I automatically would get down on myself and think "well, shit. I'm doing something wrong" or "I'm not good enough since I'm still thinking about it." I'd hide those feelings, I would be ashamed to admit that I was still having the cravings. That shame would kick in high gear, and one of the only things that can stop that shame is to drown it in vodka. Thus, starting that vicious cycle over again.
I know now, that even alcoholics with years of sobriety under their belt can have cravings. My doctor mentioned that my drinking years hard-wired my brain to always go to or think about alcohol. It is going to take more than just a little bit of sobriety to make that go away. The difference is what you do with those thoughts and cravings. Today, I choose to talk about them and share when they are happening. There is no shame involved. When I think about that craving, I play the whole tape through... what would happen? If experience tells me anything, it says that I MIGHT get away with the first time. Nothing big would happen. Maybe. But what about the second time? Eventually shit is going to go south and things will start to get bad... like they always do. If I keep doing the next right thing and stay open and honest about how I'm feeling... that feeling of shame won't have the power over me like it used to. What a relief!
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