The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!

Don't Pull The Trigger...

On Thursday, at 430 days sober, I had this HUGE revelation. It was a definite "A-HA!" moment for me and definitely something that I can add to my "spiritual tool belt" to use for future reference. It came to me during my regular bi-annual checkup with my doctor. All was well with the doc, he was quite pleased with my weight loss. Because of that, my blood pressure and my heart rate were doing a lot better. It had also been about a year since LAST time I saw my doctor, so the last time I saw him was while I was still a resident of Firstep. I remember, during that time, that I was clinging on pretty tightly to that first step, and was willing to do just about anything to stay sober. But it was still so new to me, and I was still really new to being honest with myself and others about how I felt. This time around, he was elated to see that I had just celebrated 14 months of sobriety. I showed him my one year chip and my tattoo.

 (Oh yeah, *IDEA!* I don't think I've done a blog entry about my tattoo yet, have I?!)

I shared with him about working with my sponsor and finally making it through the twelve steps. I briefly talked about my two sponsees, getting to work with them and what kind of sponsor I am for them. I don't think he could've been any happier, hearing that I was FINALLY on the right path... after plenty of years struggling to find it. He then went on to ask me if I had been able to identify the emotion and the trigger behind what makes me drink. I'm not sure why, but the question used to frustrate me to no end. Maybe because I didn't want to look for what it was that was triggering me to drink... because I didn't actually want to quit drinking yet? I seem to remember also thinking that the question was oversimplified... like, if it was THAT easy, I'd find that trigger and eliminate it. Whatever the reason, I think I was really too stubborn to look into it much deeper.

So, he asked the question again. I honestly hadn't even thought about it... but we started talking about it. I told him I think it all boiled down to shame. Whoa. I think I might be on to something here... So, of course I was ashamed of who I had become and the things I was doing. You would think a simple answer would be to do what was necessary to change who you had become and STOP doing those things you were doing. Start changing your life and do the next right thing. That shame would go away and everything will be alright, right? Wrong.

That shame would come creeping in through the back door when I would start to feel that craving for alcohol. For whatever reason... I was happy, I was sad, the sky was blue, the day ended in "Y," or whatever else... a craving would hit. Man, a drink sure sounds good. A cocktail sure sounds nice. I remember that, whenever I would be doing (insert random activity here), I would usually enjoy a drink. Man, I'd love to experience that fuzzy feeling. A simple craving like that, and I automatically would get down on myself and think "well, shit. I'm doing something wrong" or "I'm not good enough since I'm still thinking about it." I'd hide those feelings, I would be ashamed to admit that I was still having the cravings. That shame would kick in high gear, and one of the only things that can stop that shame is to drown it in vodka. Thus, starting that vicious cycle over again.

I know now, that even alcoholics with years of sobriety under their belt can have cravings. My doctor mentioned that my drinking years hard-wired my brain to always go to or think about alcohol. It is going to take more than just a little bit of sobriety to make that go away. The difference is what you do with those thoughts and cravings. Today, I choose to talk about them and share when they are happening. There is no shame involved. When I think about that craving, I play the whole tape through... what would happen? If experience tells me anything, it says that I MIGHT get away with the first time. Nothing big would happen. Maybe. But what about the second time? Eventually shit is going to go south and things will start to get bad... like they always do. If I keep doing the next right thing and stay open and honest about how I'm feeling... that feeling of shame won't have the power over me like it used to. What a relief!

Frothy, Emotional Appeal...

The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous states that when it comes to reaching out to the alcoholic and imploring them to seek out help, "Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices." If it is going to have any effect on us whatsoever, it needs to have some "depth and weight" to it. Before I faced mounting legal issues, dangerous health scares, mounting debt and a declining reputation at both work and school, THIS should've been a huge red flag to me that something was horribly wrong. Those of you who know me, know that I like to consider myself a compassionate and empathetic person. I'm a big softy and I'm DEFINITELY a big momma's boy. But as soon as alcohol came into play, I became cold and careless. I didn't care about myself, why would I care about you?

Dictionary.com defines frothy as "unsubstantial, trifling, shallow, empty." TOTALLY not what I thought it meant. I thought of something that's bubbling and boiling. So I thought of an emotional appeal that was a little more hot, intense. It caused me to have flashbacks of tearful pseudo-interventions, angry conversations and the downright fights that caused me (or someone else) to storm out of the house. All of those methods worked... at least, for a little while. I remember, on numerous occasions, feeling those deep and awful feelings of remorse and self-hatred. What I WASN'T feeling was that "digging in and standing my ground" feeling of "yes, I WILL quit drinking right now!" It was a more mediocre feeling of "yeah, I know I NEED to quit, but..."

Being raised solely by my Mom and being the youngest of three, I became super duper close to her at a young age. I was your somewhat stereotypical momma's boy. When I learned that the term "momma's boy" was actually considered a BAD thing, I kinda shrugged my shoulders and said "meh." For the most part, I took what she said SUPER seriously. She never lied to me (for the most part... I'll choose to look past the whole "telling me everything tastes like macaroni and cheese issue") and so I took everything she said as gospel. Her opinion totally mattered. I wasn't one of those kids who had to be spanked or punished severely into submission. All she had to do was look at me with those big eyes and say softly "John, I'm so disappointed in you right now..." and I would crumble like a house of cards.

Alcohol replaced all of that compassion and empathy. As much as it pains me to say this, it even replaced the respect and care I had for my Mom. Over the last seven years, I've had plenty of conversations with "angry Mom" after I've relapsed. Angry Mom never lasts for long, I know that she just needs to get it out of her system and, before long, she's just fine. I know that she's going to love me no matter what. What REALLY bothered me was those conversations with Mom as tears would well up in her eyes. She'd softly ask me "why?" I've had more of those conversations than I care to count. Here recently, I would talk with her about how we're feeling and what-not. She'd be having a rough day and say something along the lines of how one of the only things keeping her together was knowing I was sober. I'd hear this, knowing that I had a bottle stashed away somewhere or knowing that I had nowhere near the amount of sobriety that she thought I had. It crushed me to know that I was just one simple truth away from her bring her world down crumbling. I felt horrible. Those feelings of self-hatred would swell up inside me. The only way I could keep them from taking over was to dive back into that bottle and wipe away every single feeling I had.

I long to return to a place where I am compassionate and feel empathy for people. I will care deeply about emotional appeals. I can only get back there if I continue to work on this program of recovery. It will start by getting to a place where I'm no longer consumed by the feelings of self-loathing. In order to do that, I'll have to dive into the steps head-first. Hopefully, before long, I'll be working steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor, followed by identifying character defects in step 6. I'll pray to have those defects removed. Then I can go on to the important act of going and making amends with people. I know far too many people who I ignored their tearful emotional appeals, whether they were frothy or otherwise...