The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!