It's Not You, It's Me...

When we last "talked," nearly TWO months ago (sorry about that), you could probably read through the lines and see that the last post I made was more of a "pep talk" of sorts for myself more than anything. While the Crisis Center is a critically important facility that does AMAZING work with people who are in literal life-or-death situations and is staffed by people who have a special place in their heart for people who are suffering, it just wasn't a right fit for me. It takes a VERY special person to work there. The people I worked with are incredible. They definitely don't do it for the money, that's for certain. Many of them work there because they have been in similar situations and feel empathy and compassion towards these people who don't feel like they deserve to be on this earth. I also felt that empathy and compassion towards the patients, but I didn't feel like I could provide that sense of safety and security that is needed for both the patients AND my fellow employees. I feel for the management, I know it's super difficult to keep people there. Not because of something that management IS or ISN'T doing, it's just the nature of that position. People that are built to work in a facility like that are wonderful but RARE.

If I'm being honest, I think I knew from day one that it just wasn't going to work. I just wanted to make sure that I gave it a fair shot. I thought maybe there would be one day that something might snap or click or whatever... I'd wake up and be like "a-ha! I can do this!" It obviously never came. What made it difficult, though, is I got to the point where I REALLY liked the people I worked with. They were more than just people who were training me to do a job, or even just co-workers. They became friends. I got to know a lot of their stories, and they got to know mine. But I knew that they would understand, and they ultimately did understand. When I finally turned in my two weeks notice, they were sad to see me go. But, more importantly, they were excited to see what was in store for me next.

It wasn't long after I started the new position in April, that my old supervisor reached out to me and started the talks of what it would take to get me back. I felt for her, because these people were ALSO people that I cared for. They had become my family over the nine months I had worked there. It hurt to leave, but I had to... but it didn't mean I stopped caring for them or even stop caring for the agency as a whole. I still supported their cause and wanted them to succeed. It took some time to work out the boring details, but we FINALLY came to an agreement and I had several good conversations with her and the director that eased any anxiety I had about coming back. My first day back was June 17th.

So, we wrap up my first week back at the "old job" and things seem to be falling into place. Things are back to how they were back before shit really went south at the beginning of the year. I can say that I enjoy my job and I feel like I'm making a difference (hopefully). I've also started working part time for Firstep, helping out in the office. They experienced some drama that has caused them to be really understaffed, so I thought I could help. Plus, it provides a little extra cashola in the pocket. That never hurts.

I'm just over 19 months sober and don't plan on stopping any time soon. There are definitely some big life events on the horizon, I just have to make sure I stay sober and do the next right thing and those things will start happening! :-)

Holding Their Hope...

As my first month as a "consumer recovery specialist" with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services come to an end, my thoughts on where I am in life and what exactly I'm supposed to be doing have absolutely been all over the place. I accepted the position thinking that my experience over the last 17 months has given me the ability to empathize and show compassion to the people that seek our services in some of the darkest times of their lives.

It didn't take long for me to start to wonder "am I in over my head?" The patients that come to the Oklahoma County Crisis Intervention Center struggle more with severe mental illness than addiction struggles that I'm used to working with. My experience is more with those who struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism and not so much people who struggle with things like schizophrenia. It has been very easy for me to leave after an eight hour shift at work thinking to myself that I'm not having any sort of positive effect on these patients. It's frustrating. 

I had been working on this post for well over a week, and I thought it was almost done. I stepped away from or it for a day or two and just came back to it... it was way too much and it was just a bad case of word vomit. It was a good representation of what was going on in my head, though. After several good conversations that I've had over the last day or so, not to mention being off for a couple of days, I feel a lot more calm and collected.  So I decided to scratch it and start fresh. 

My mind keeps going back to a presentation that I heard while at the "New Employee Orientation" that was held at the central office two weeks ago. The presenters seemed like they would trade off between talking about the more boring department policies and procedures or talking about the deeper reasons of why we are here or how we're helping the community as a whole. It was pretty easy to see that there is an overwhelming need for mental health services and the resources just aren't there. The services that are needed sometimes make the difference between life and death.

One presenter got up and spoke about how sometimes it is difficult to see that we're making any sort of difference or progress. It is important to remember that these people we work with are carrying so much stress, trauma, illness and other baggage that they can't do it alone. Our job is to walk along side them and carry their hope for them. After they seek services and make that progress, we can hand that hope back to them to carry on their own. That simple, but powerful explanation of what we're doing stuck with me for the rest of the orientation and (luckily) has stuck in the back of my head since then. I think it's made a difference on the fact that I'm still hanging on during this difficult transition. 

So, my current position isn't going to necessarily see people "cured" of their illnesses or I'm not going to be seeing something similar to seeing a patient get their one year sobriety chip. My position is down in the trenches, during those first few days. These people don't see any hope or that it can get much better. My job is to show them that smile, listen to their stories and share mine as well. I'll hold on to that hope until hopefully they can hold on to it themselves.

Bad News Bears...

Well, life can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Looking back, I honestly think my last post was a whole lot of foresight and maaayybbeee some sort of premonition about the events that were about to unfold...

I have to admit that, since November 2017, life has been pretty damned good. I graduated from FIRSTEP and immediately went into what seemed to be a promising job...maybe even a career. I strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I continued to grow my relationship with Megan. I became more and more confident and strong in my sobriety. I started thinking about making healthy choices when it came to my weight. I took the initiative and started back to school. It seemed like all of these choices were yielding me positive results and I was taking nothing but steps in the right direction.

So,  things have definitely been rough at work for about the last month, I think I was trying to make it seem as if the last post was a culmination of different stresses getting to me, but it was pretty much all about work. The numbers have been going south and people have been under a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and apparently it just wasn't working. I was getting some weird vibes from the people closest to me in the office and it just had an absolutely awful effect on me. Turns out the vibes were totally real. I had a meeting on Wednesday with my boss and the owner of the company. They brought me into her office and let me know, that effective February 25th, my position would be a part-time position. I would go from working 40 hours a week and working a job with PTO and health insurance to working 20-25 hours a week and NO insurance or PTO. I was fairly shocked to say the least.

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is the biggest setback that I've faced in my life since being sober. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm incredibly proud of myself for how I've handled the situation. I told the powers-that-be that I was willing to stay on board as part-time. I told them that I would be looking for another part-time position to make up the difference. If I managed to find a full-time job before they made me full-time again, that I would definitely be taking the opportunity and I would leave the company. They said that they understood and seemed to be supportive.

I've see-sawed back and forth between having that peace, serenity and acceptance OR being a big, angry, panicky mess. Luckily, when I'm the latter, I manage to keep it to myself and I don't make a big scene. I've found that I become that panicky mess when I spend too much time in my own head and I let certain parts of my brain convince me that I'm worthless and that all that I've built over the last 15 months is going to go to shit. More often than not, however, I stay pretty level-headed. The last 15 months have proven to me that, as long as I keep it cool and don't act like a dick, things tend to fall in place like they should. If I don't act out and get all pissy, all I need to do is take the next right step and God puts in place the things that need to be put in place at that time. If the thing that needs to be in place right now is another part-time job, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what's in front of me.

It's been less than a week since I received the icky news. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. I've submitted dozens of resumes and applications through the various websites, some of them would be REALLY promising and awesome opportunities. I'm already getting some nibbles and responses from those applications. So, we'll see! The times, they are a-changin!

The Power of Dreams...

It may sound incredibly cheesy, but life after FIRSTEP has been way better than I possibly could've imagined. I've managed to STAY SOBER... I'm almost 8 months sober! Absolutely crazy. I think my honest record of sobriety before might've been a month, maybe two?! I have no idea where this strength and willpower is coming from, because it's totally not me...

I've been staying plugged into the program, working with my sponsor and going to meetings. I have even been fortunate enough to get to bring some of the FIRSTEP guys out to meetings with me occasionally. I also have had the opportunity to sponsor some of the guys and help them along with their step work and phasing up. Sponsorship and being committed to those guys adds a whole new level of effort I'm putting into my sobriety. I know I need to do it for me, and I definitely am, but it helps knowing that I have guys that I don't want to let down or disappoint either.

I've been working for SOS for a little over a month and I absolutely love it. It takes working in an office/administrative atmosphere that I'm comfortable in and adds in getting to work in an environment where I'm working FOR and WITH other people who are wanting to get sober and stay sober. I am fortunate enough to get to take my experiences, which I once considered shameful, and use them as a tool and a way for me to help people who are going through similar or worse situations. I can definitely see me staying here for quite some time.

My relationships continue to grow in and out of the program. Moving back in the with the parents after FIRSTEP, I've tried my best to be an additional asset to the family rather than drag them down and be a negative presence. I'm hopeful that they've noticed the differences in me day in and day out. Megan and I continue to grow, spending as much time as we can together. I'm lucky that she's understanding that my schedule (for now) has to stay pretty full with things that are going to help me stay sober.

With the job plugging along, it seems like life could be getting better financially, one step at a time. One of the first steps to "normalcy" was working with Mom and Nick on getting another car! After a very weird and jumpy (we went from one type of car to another pretty willy-nilly) search, I found a 2013 Ford C-Max Hybrid that I absolutely fell in love with. The deal was phenomenal and so far she has been a great little car. Her name is Maxine and (hopefully) I see her sticking around for a while.

While I don't think I have the whole sobriety thing down packed, I'm definitely the most comfortable with it that I've ever been in the seven-plus years of trying/not trying. That being said, I've started another endeavor and taken on the dubious task of bringing my weight down to a more acceptable level. I was definitely already a big guy pre-FIRSTEP, more than likely hitting that point where I was the heaviest that I've ever been. Then FIRSTEP came along, and they fed me quite well, so I continued to grow. I knew that I was borderline 300 pounds, if not a little over. So, after I got paid, Mom and I decided to start back on Weight Watchers. So far, it has been the ONLY program that I've lost weight with, while still being somewhat healthy. My first weigh-in was at a whopping 288.4 pounds. Geeeeeeez. After two weeks of weigh-ins and I'm already down 10.8 pounds! I think I'm setting my goal for 200 and see how I feel/look at that point...

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The other day, I got a random text message from my friend Shanna that sent a chill down my spine. It read:

"I had a really important dream about you last night and it felt like a message. We were in a big group of people, eating lunch. You were happy, settled in a community of people who care about you and are working towards the good. You were also settled perfectly in your body, which I felt very strongly was perfect as it is."

While I've been somewhat in contact with Shanna, I hadn't really heard from her lately. I was super-busy with my life after FIRSTEP and she recently had her first baby with Tye, so they were DEFINITELY busy. I hadn't really done a good job of keeping in contact with her for a week or so when she randomly sent me that text. It was just so weird, because I had just been having one of those moments where I was thinking to myself how much my life seemed to be coming together. I'm sober. I'm happy. I'm actually okay with my body for once. Everything is good. Those things that aren't so good are even okay, and I'm learning how to deal with them and stay sober. I'm in a really positive headspace for the first time in a LONG time.

I believe very strongly in the importance and meanings behind dreams. Hell, I've taken classes on the subject matter before. So I find it pretty incredible and spot-on that this message came to Shanna. Hopefully it was the universe letting her know, "hey, you're friend John? He's going to be A-OK after all..."