Puzzle Pieces...

So, at this point in May of 2018, I was still a client at Men's Firstep. I definitely had more time behind me than I did ahead of me, the finish line was in sight. By about February or March of 2018, my mindset about who I was or who I wanted to become was beginning to completely change. I was getting this picture painted for me, I believed by my Higher Power, that there was definitely a plan for me in place.  Post-graduation, I would be staying on at Firstep as a resident advisor. I would still be a part of the community per se, but I'd have more freedoms of a graduate. The pay was pretty nominal, but I thought that it would probably meet my needs at that time. The most important part would be getting to stay part of this community that had given me SUCH a better life. Although I had Megan, my family and SOOO many other positive things waiting for me on the outside... I was afraid to leave it.

At some point in early-to-mid April, they wanted a more concrete answer from me. Yes or No? Are you staying or going? I had several honest conversations with the director at the time, and it turned out that the pay was going to be even less than I thought it would be. I would still be able to live off of the amount, but there would be no way that I could afford to save up or do anything like buy a car or anything. After lots of prayer, and conversations with those closest to me, I had to accept the fact that the position with Firstep was NOT going to work. I think I put on a pretty good face, but I was absolutely devastated. I think, at least mentally, I had put all of my eggs into that basket. When that didn't work out, what exactly was I going to do? Firstep had given me a nice push in the right direction. I was newly sober and I would have a 6-month job history with a good reference, but I still wasn't certain that anyone "out there" would want me.

The most important part was that I trusted that God had the wheels in motion and that I could land somewhere. Before too long, Mom was sending me job openings from Indeed and Monster and all these other places. I'm pretty sure that I applied for about 43 gajillion jobs at OU. Not even a nibble from anywhere. My fears were coming true. I was right about the point where I thought I wasn't going to be able to keep cool anymore when Mom sent me a random Facebook ad. It was for a job posting for an outpatient treatment center, working in admissions. It sounded right up my alley, but the job posting was over a month old. I tried anyway. We obviously know that the story has a happy ending...

How often do we set out these intricate plans for life? "I'm going to accomplish A, then immediately move on to B and then eventually progress on to C." How often do those intricate plans actually work out seamlessly? We might accomplish B before we finish A. Sometimes we go from A all the way to J, then have to go all the way BACK to point A before it's all said and done. Beforehand, that was a perfect reason to get absolutely trashed. It was probably a good explanation as to why I was perfectly happy being stagnant. "If I don't even make the plans, I won't have to face the disappointment when those plans inevitably fail." Sometimes plans DON'T work. Often they don't. It's important (for me anyway) to keep at it AND to keep an open mind. Because, in the long run, you might not reach that original goal you set. But the goal you DID achieve can turn out to be far greater.

Life @ 35...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

25 was supposedly a big deal. Well, I thought that I was a big deal and so that meant me turning 25 was a big deal worth celebrating. My little group of friends spent a lot of time, effort and money and threw me a pretty awesome birthday party... complete with amazing barbecue, a DELICIOUS cake and lots and LOTS of booze. My brothers and their wives came out. If I can remember correctly (I can't remember much), I think my friends put in the effort to invite some co-workers out too. It was a lovely evening... or it WOULD'VE been lovely, if my budding alcoholism had not totally trashed it. By the end of that night, or more like the next morning... It was about this time that I had started to realize a few things about myself, and some of them were definitely not pleasant.

On the surface, I had my shit together. I was young and skinny (oh so pretty). I had a job that paid me more than I was worth. I had a place of my own (well, sorta on my own... my roommate was never home, which was AWESOME).  I was plugging along in school. I had a booming social life.  Life was fairly picturesque for 25 year old John.

On the inside, I may have had my youth but I was NOT healthy. Little did I know that the job was soon going to be on very thin ice and fail me (or I guess I failed it). The roommate eventually asked me to move out. I may have been in school, but I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. My social life was so shallow and I was about to run away the few loyal friends that I had. It wasn't nearly as pretty as it looked. I was realizing that my sexuality, even as a recently "out" gay man, wasn't as black and white. And, to top it all off, I was starting to come to terms that I might have a problem with alcoholism.

You definitely know the story, that alcoholism definitely blossomed over the next decade. But it isn't the nightmare it sounds like it would be. Believe it or not, it DOES have a happy ending...

Now, I've taken the pain and experiences and turned it into a career working with others struggling with addiction issues. I finished my first degree and am well on my way into my second one, with a VERY clear picture of what I want to do "when I grow up." I may not be in the best shape of my life, but I've learned that health is so much more than just physical. I've accepted that sexuality isn't black and white. I've found someone that I'm more than happy with and is happy with me. She accepts me for me and loves every bit of it. It may be small in number, but I have the best group of friends I ever could have asked for. Plus, I'm actually on good terms with my family... and I love my family.

Corona definitely throws some curveballs into the first 24 hours of my new year, but I know this is only temporary. Things will either go back to "normal"... or they won't. If they don't, I have a program and people that teach me that I can adapt and grow and accept the things that I cannot change... but remembering to have the courage to change the things that I can. With the state of things, it is odd to feel optimistic about the upcoming year. But I am. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm excited to see what #35 has in store for me.

The Quarantine Cut...

An unforeseen circumstance to a worldwide pandemic is the need to close the majority of businesses that serve the public to limit exposure. That means restaurants, movie theaters, gyms, retail stores like Best Buy or JC Penney... and hair salons. When local and state governments made the move to shut stuff down, it was like March 16th-ish, and I wasn't QUITE in dire need of a cut yet... but man, was I close. I thought I had the tenacity to tough it out and make it until stuff started re-opening. "I'd be glad to cut your hair, if you want," Megan kept offering. I would violently shake my head in protest. Nope. She'd botch the job and I'd wind up hating her forever (okay, that may be a bit dramatic, but you get the point).

A month in and my hair was getting quite woolly. As soon as it started doing that annoying thing where it was going over my ears and curling, I had had enough. I snapped. I started making comments about being willing to just buzz it off myself. The buzz cut was NOT a good look on me, I looked like a fat fuzz ball or a real life version of Bobby from "King of the Hill..." but I was willing. Megan would gently remind me that her offer still stood. What did I have to lose? If she DID botch it, I was already to the point where I was willing to buzz it... so I could just chop it off. So here goes nothing.

We got the clippers from my parents and set up shop in our bathroom. Megan went to town. I offered very little help, other than to give her a hard time and make panicky/sobby faces or occasionally throwing out a random chuckle or whimper. There was some discussion on where to do the fade. Lower? Or higher up? Whoa... that's high. I look like I'm in the military now. :-) It was a challenge to make sure sideburns and stuff were even, but she did pretty dang good. Just one random buzz on the back of my head, where she took it too close... but even that isn't that bad. I had a coworker today tell me today that it just looked like a natural bald spot. NO! I'M NOT BALD! lol

After it was all said and done... the cut looked good and felt GREAT! There was hair E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  We definitely learned a few things that we would do differently IF we have to do thing. It'll probably be a buzz cut. It's getting done in the garage. Shake the towels/clothes off in the trash can instead of throwing them (full of hair) directly into the washing machine. Once we got cleaned up and rested... I was quite pleased with my new quarantine cut. Megan was quite pleased with herself. This was just another example of how I'm pretty fortunate to have an awesome partner to "self isolate" with.

The Year of the 'Rona...

I was at home on March 12, when I watched officials decide to call off the game between the Thunder and the Utah Jazz, out of concern about COVID-19. It was a bit of silliness really, if you asked me. This was just a big, overgrown version of the flu.

As program coordinator for FIRSTEP, I had talked with various group leaders and other volunteers that come out to the center about what policies we had in place to prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Spread? What spread?? One by one, they all decided to start cancelling services until further notice. I totally respected their decision, but I didn't quite understand. After all, it was just a big, overgrown version of the flu!

Over that weekend, life seemed to change dramatically. It was the last time I got to hug my parents. Stories began to hit the news about hoarding of toilet paper and other "essential" items at the grocery store. I went to Sam's to pick up a few things, but nothing too extreme. They had a little bit of toilet paper, but absolutely NO soap or other cleaning supplies. People were taking this awfully seriously, for just a big version of the flu...

Monday came along and we heard news that our corporate office had made the decision to effectively put the center on "lock down." No more passes or visitation, we also wouldn't be accepting any new clients until further notice. I knew this was going to go over like a turd in a punch bowl, and it did. We had a handful of clients leave, those that stayed behind were pretty unhappy and made sure we knew about it.

I started to read up on it. I started to take it seriously. I went to the store to get a few more things, because I didn't want to have to go back for a while. The store was BARE. It was stark. It was scary. I honestly had to fight back the tears, because I didn't know what to think. For the first time in a while, I thought that one of those bottles of wine they sell in stores now might be a good idea... but no, I can't do that. I called my Mom. Asked her if she needed anything. I was able to get her a small little turkey breast. Helping her made me feel better. Now I just needed to get out of there.

Before too long, Oklahoma had it's first official case... but it was up in Tulsa. No big deal. He had just flown in from overseas and hadn't had any exposure. We can beat this. Then another one popped up, then another. Then we got the first case in Oklahoma City. Then the first one happened in Cleveland county. Then it just EXPLODED. It seemed overnight we couldn't keep up with the number of new cases... and the number of people dying from this new disease.

Here we are, a little over a month later since this debacle started. It's been five days since I last posted and the number of infected has blown up to nearly 140,000. We have lost 108 souls in Oklahoma. Some "experts" state that we are at the peak, or at least near it. Once we hit that peak, it can only get better from here. But then you listen to other experts, and some think that we might have to practice some form of social distancing at least until 2022 or until a vaccine is in widespread distribution. I don't think we'll ever return TOTALLY to the way it was before this whole thing happened, but I can only pray for some form of "normalcy" and that it happens sooner rather than later.

Quarantine N Chill...

It has been 99 days since the last time that I posted. Yikes. Sorry about that...

At about the 30 day mark, I was thinking that the BIGGEST change in life would be the fact that Megan and I had made the decision to take an "until further notice" break from going out to the movies almost every weekend. This was due to the fact that we were at the AMC theater in Penn Square during a shooting and it, needless to say, left a bad taste in our mouths. We were fine... but we had a pretty bad case of movie theater PTSD.

Life continued. We still went to work. We eventually did make it back to the movie theater... a DIFFERENT movie theater. It was a one-time thing, a special event with a friend. It was totally worth it, but we were still a-ok with not going. I started my SECOND semester of grad school. It's been a doozy, but I've enjoyed it overall. I've started the process of getting ready to do practicum work in the summer. It should be a fun and exciting experience (hopefully).

At about the 60 day mark, the anxiety-inducing feelings that came along with that event started to subside. We readjusted to our "new normal" and found out new things to do on weekends. It was nice too, because it helped put some money back in our pockets.. which was desperately needed since we had FINALLY MOVED IN TOGETHER. We wound up finding a cute little house in Moore. I moved in at the end of February, she moved in a few weeks later. It's a great house in a great neighborhood. It's just overall a really good fit. We seem to be pretty happy. It hasn't been a PERFECT transition, but most of that is due to situations that are definitely out of our hands. 

At about... oh, I dunno, like the 80 day mark, we've had plenty of new words thrown into our everyday vocabulary. "COVID," "CORONAVIRUS," "SOCIAL DISTANCING," "SELF-ISOLATION," "FAUCI.," "PANDEMIC."  All words that I didn't think I'd be using on a fairly regular basis. A new virus first hit the states in late February, early March. Things really changed in Oklahoma on March 16th. Firstep initiated some pretty strict lockdown protocol. Megan started working from home. We haven't been able to see our families, for fear of unknowingly spreading the virus to them. They encourage wearing masks in public. Over 100,000 people have died worldwide since this whole ordeal has started. There have been 88 deaths in Oklahoma. There are just sometimes it seems like something out of a bad horror film. We all just kinda seem to do what we can day-in and day-out, hoping that eventually we'll find some sort of "normal" again.

So... here we are at 99 days later. Some experts are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. People are starting to get cautiously optimistic. We are doing what we can to "flatten the curve," but still manage to live a "normal" life. Megan and I worked today, I got home and napped and then we picked up some dinner and watched some wrestling. We are SO fortunate. So blessed. There are millions of people out there who have lost their jobs because of this. There are thousands of people out there who have died because of this. If the only thing I face is an inconvenience because I have to wear a mask in public? Or an inability to visit places I love, like Vintage Stock or Best Buy? Hell yeah, I'm blessed.

(500) Days of... Recovery...

Ya like my artwork?!? I thought it was pretty damn clever. I thought about cutting a little picture of my face and putting it over Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's head, so maybe it would look like me... but, honestly, that took too much effort. So you get the idea! :-)

Anyways, I'm 500 days sober as of today! It's MORE than a year, but not quite to that 18 month milestone. I tried to look back on what was going on in my world on March 28th, 2017 and this is what I can gather so far...

I think it was about this time last year that I truly hit that groove at Firstep. I posted something on "Candid Thoughts" on March 10th about losing fellow Firstepper Ben and my good friend Jerry from LLL. After that, there isn't another blog post until MAY. I totally dropped the ball on that one... but it was for good reason! I became REALLY busy in life at Firstep. I didn't feel the need to hide behind my journal anymore, nor did I really have any time for it. The darkness and uncertainty that surrounded my life and my alcoholism was getting replaced by light and faith that things were going to turn out okay! There was still plenty of uncertainty, I couldn't help but look ahead at the coming months and what I was going to do with myself. I would be graduating from the Firstep program in exactly two more months and I was pretty certain that I was going to stay on board with OKC Metro Alliance as a residential adviser. Life was simple back then, REALLY simple. We all know (or do we?) what happens next. Over the next several months, I've worked for an awesome non-profit agency, put myself through school. stayed sober and lived a pretty great life.

Oddly enough, today is another milestone. Today is my last day at my current job. I've enjoyed working at Specialized Outpatient Services for just short of nine months. I definitely could've seen myself staying there longer, if only things had worked out differently. BUT God obviously had some other plans in store for me, and being made part-time was a gentle nudge in the right direction to where I need to be going. Starting Monday, I'll be a state employee once again. Going into the second 500 days and starting a new adventure! I look forward to what exciting stuff lies ahead in my (sometimes) exciting life.

Patience... It's A Virtue...

Would you believe that, with as much as I struggle with it on a daily basis, that I have never written a blog entry regarding the topic of PATIENCE?! Yeah. I know. I'm super surprised, too. I have had the idea, but I didn't want to be repetitive, so I did the search... and NOTHING! Yeah. It seems like a pretty pertinent topic nowadays, definitely worthy of discussing. Sometimes my patience is tested on a super small level, something like the guy in front of me is driving ridiculously slow or the internet is craaaawwling and Facebook won't load fast enough. Other times, my patience is tested at some grand existential level, where I find it difficult to stay patient and calm because things aren't happening on my timeline. It happens when dealing with those BIG life issues: money, love, life, school, work, living situation, etc. Anyway you look at it, impatience is DEFINITELY still a character defect that continues to cause me issues.

A perfect example of impatience happened to me a few weeks ago. After the recent shake-up at work (see the post "Bad News Bears" for further info...), I started to throw my name (and my resume) out into the job market. Fairly quickly, a VERY promising job prospect appeared on the horizon. It was one that I had honestly never really considered (for myself) before. It was definitely a little more "corporate" than I'm used to, definitely further away than I'm used to looking and not necessarily up my alley or area of expertise... but I was thinking that I could've made it work. Plus, when I found out about the potential money that I could be making, I was TOTALLY on board. I went from being all social work-y and working in a service field to being Mr. Corporate Cloud... ready to make the big bucks. In talking with the recruiter, I was led to believe that it wasn't IF I was going to get hired, it was more like "WHEN you get hired, which position will they place you in?" The job was almost certainly mine, and so I became increasingly impatient while waiting for the results of my TWO interviews. The corporate recruiter who had stayed in touch with me during the beginning of the process all of a sudden went AWOL. No phone call and no e-mail. After waiting for almost a week, I found out that the answer was sadly (or maybe not-so-sadly) a big fat NO. I've been turned down for PLENTY of jobs before, but something about this was especially devastating. Looking back at it now, I realize that it's because I had started to make assumptions that the job was mine, quickly followed by making plans on what I was going to do with all of that money. I feel like I was kind of playing God, assuming that things were going to go MY way instead of sitting back and listening to what my Higher Power might have to say about the ordeal.

God: "Eh, John, do you really think you'll be happy doing this?
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Now John, listen, it is really far away. How can you make that logistically work?"
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Ok, I hate to have to do this..."

That news definitely pushed my impatience-o-meter off the charts, and it definitely didn't take long for that to start trickling into all the other areas of my life. I have definitely been short with friends, family, coworkers and everybody in between. STAYING positive has been a real struggle. After a few weeks, I think that things have definitely leveled back out now. With my school FINALLY over, that is one less thing that I have to worry about. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. If I can just NOT act like a super-impatient dick, I'm fairly certain good things will continue to happen to me. Despite the series of setbacks, I do have an overall optimistic outlook into my future. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I think I'm due for some good news sometime (hopefully) soon!

In other news, I unintentionally celebrated 16 months of sustained sobriety today. I say "unintentionally" due to the fact that I didn't even really think about it until after Megan sent me a "Happy Sober-versary" text. I think I'm getting to that point where it IS just a normal, every day thing. I don't find myself white-knuckling it near as much. Even when I took the big hit to the pocketbook because of the job situation and then followed by this big hit to the ego when I got turned down for the corporate position, alcohol didn't even cross my mind. Now, thinking about what kind of tasty food I was going to have for dinner sure did... but we'll work on that diet soon enough. 

Turkey Day...

In the past, Thanksgiving has had a tendency to cause my thoughts and feelings to immediately go negative... and there is absolutely no reason why. I think I had some sort of totally unrealistic expectation that my family holidays should be a duplicate of a Norman Rockwell painting. While they may have been far from that imagery, my holidays have always been pretty positive experiences. I'm way more blessed than most people out there. I have an amazing family and I always end the night with an incredibly full belly.

This year, when I've been thinking back to these holidays that I've celebrated as an adult, I'm honestly overwhelmed with remorse and the desire to make amends to my family. If it was possible to make amends to a day in general, I totally would. It's frustrating to think of the years that I've wasted by focusing on the negative, what I didn't have, what someone wasn't doing right or wishing that someONE or someTHING was different. More often than not, my mind was totally distracted by the thought that this stupid family get-together was interrupting that much needed bottle of alcohol I had stored away somewhere at home.

Thanksgiving 2017 just scratched the surface of what a family holiday should be. My mind was preoccupied with what had just happened in the past few weeks, my very new and fragile sobriety, the fact that I would be leaving that Monday to spend six months at an inpatient rehab facility or just the gajillion other things going though my mind. Despite that, I did put forth a superhuman effort to enjoy my family. No matter how loud and rambunctious they would get, that was MY family. The holiday was pretty wonderful and was capped off with feelings of warmth, support and love as I shared with them my plans of going to FIRSTEP. Simply writing this paragraph made me get a little misty-eyed at the memories.

This Thanksgiving was truly pretty epic. We went out to my cousin Todd's house and celebrated with the Frankenfield side of my family. Megan was able to join us as we ate LOTS of food an just simply hung out. It really wasn't anything super fancy, it was just family hanging out on couches or around the kitchen and enjoying being with each other. I did get a lot of questions and my family saying how proud of me they were, but my favorite parts were talking about memories of the past or silly conversations like what places in Oklahoma City were supposedly haunted.

The word may be a little cliche'd and overused in the month of November, but I am truly very grateful for my life and my family.  I know not everyone is as fortunate or blessed as I am. I've taken it for granted for so long and I'm glad that it isn't too late for me to show action and the proper attitude that would make people say "hey, that John Cloud really loves his family..."

The Power of Dreams...

It may sound incredibly cheesy, but life after FIRSTEP has been way better than I possibly could've imagined. I've managed to STAY SOBER... I'm almost 8 months sober! Absolutely crazy. I think my honest record of sobriety before might've been a month, maybe two?! I have no idea where this strength and willpower is coming from, because it's totally not me...

I've been staying plugged into the program, working with my sponsor and going to meetings. I have even been fortunate enough to get to bring some of the FIRSTEP guys out to meetings with me occasionally. I also have had the opportunity to sponsor some of the guys and help them along with their step work and phasing up. Sponsorship and being committed to those guys adds a whole new level of effort I'm putting into my sobriety. I know I need to do it for me, and I definitely am, but it helps knowing that I have guys that I don't want to let down or disappoint either.

I've been working for SOS for a little over a month and I absolutely love it. It takes working in an office/administrative atmosphere that I'm comfortable in and adds in getting to work in an environment where I'm working FOR and WITH other people who are wanting to get sober and stay sober. I am fortunate enough to get to take my experiences, which I once considered shameful, and use them as a tool and a way for me to help people who are going through similar or worse situations. I can definitely see me staying here for quite some time.

My relationships continue to grow in and out of the program. Moving back in the with the parents after FIRSTEP, I've tried my best to be an additional asset to the family rather than drag them down and be a negative presence. I'm hopeful that they've noticed the differences in me day in and day out. Megan and I continue to grow, spending as much time as we can together. I'm lucky that she's understanding that my schedule (for now) has to stay pretty full with things that are going to help me stay sober.

With the job plugging along, it seems like life could be getting better financially, one step at a time. One of the first steps to "normalcy" was working with Mom and Nick on getting another car! After a very weird and jumpy (we went from one type of car to another pretty willy-nilly) search, I found a 2013 Ford C-Max Hybrid that I absolutely fell in love with. The deal was phenomenal and so far she has been a great little car. Her name is Maxine and (hopefully) I see her sticking around for a while.

While I don't think I have the whole sobriety thing down packed, I'm definitely the most comfortable with it that I've ever been in the seven-plus years of trying/not trying. That being said, I've started another endeavor and taken on the dubious task of bringing my weight down to a more acceptable level. I was definitely already a big guy pre-FIRSTEP, more than likely hitting that point where I was the heaviest that I've ever been. Then FIRSTEP came along, and they fed me quite well, so I continued to grow. I knew that I was borderline 300 pounds, if not a little over. So, after I got paid, Mom and I decided to start back on Weight Watchers. So far, it has been the ONLY program that I've lost weight with, while still being somewhat healthy. My first weigh-in was at a whopping 288.4 pounds. Geeeeeeez. After two weeks of weigh-ins and I'm already down 10.8 pounds! I think I'm setting my goal for 200 and see how I feel/look at that point...

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The other day, I got a random text message from my friend Shanna that sent a chill down my spine. It read:

"I had a really important dream about you last night and it felt like a message. We were in a big group of people, eating lunch. You were happy, settled in a community of people who care about you and are working towards the good. You were also settled perfectly in your body, which I felt very strongly was perfect as it is."

While I've been somewhat in contact with Shanna, I hadn't really heard from her lately. I was super-busy with my life after FIRSTEP and she recently had her first baby with Tye, so they were DEFINITELY busy. I hadn't really done a good job of keeping in contact with her for a week or so when she randomly sent me that text. It was just so weird, because I had just been having one of those moments where I was thinking to myself how much my life seemed to be coming together. I'm sober. I'm happy. I'm actually okay with my body for once. Everything is good. Those things that aren't so good are even okay, and I'm learning how to deal with them and stay sober. I'm in a really positive headspace for the first time in a LONG time.

I believe very strongly in the importance and meanings behind dreams. Hell, I've taken classes on the subject matter before. So I find it pretty incredible and spot-on that this message came to Shanna. Hopefully it was the universe letting her know, "hey, you're friend John? He's going to be A-OK after all..."

A Night At The Movies...

So, Sunday night was the 90th Academy Awards and it caused me to stop and think for a moment on the topic of movies... how important they are/were to me, how I lost that simple and harmless hobby that I truly enjoyed because of my destructive drinking and what that means for me today. There was a time that I could follow along with the Oscars because I would have watched the vast majority of the films that were nominated. Over the years, it dwindled to a point where I would watch, but I only knew about a few of the films. This year, I didn't watch the Academy Awards and I haven't seen a single one of the films that won an Oscar.

It may not sound all that important to you, but I think it's a perfect analogy of how alcohol slowly, but surely, took over all aspects of my life. It didn't just destroy the major things like my education, my work history and my health... it aimed for the tiny things too. Something as simple as going out to the movies wasn't even an option because I couldn't afford it or I didn't even have the desire to do that anymore.

Years ago, movies were by far one of the most important things in my life. I wasn't one of those kids that went to house parties on the weekends, you could find me and my friend Emily at the fancy new Harkins Theater in Bricktown. I wasn't spending my money on the hottest fashion trends, I was buying used DVD's en masse at places like Vintage Stock or FYE. I was fortunate enough to take advantage of Blockbuster before those all closed down. During the slow and painful death of video rental stores, I discovered this wonderful little website called Netflix. It not only widened my movie-watching horizons, it blew them sky-high. Needless to say, movies played a very important role in my teenage to younger adult years.

As I got older, and I discovered alcohol, not a whole lot changed... right away. There was a brief period of time where my love for drinking and my love for movies were able to coexist in peace and harmony. I was even excited to see that there was a new theater going up in Moore that had a bar actually IN the theater!! Talk about the best of both worlds!! But, just like everything else in my life, alcohol slowly but surely nudged that out of my life. As funds became more limited, I definitely chose alcohol over movies. I would watch as new movies would enter the box office and would say "yes! I totally want to see that!" But, before I would realize it, I've done nothing but drink for several weeks and the movie would already be gone. I'm watching these award shows and even find myself occasionally going "I've never even HEARD of that movie?!"

In what other areas have I done that? What else have I sacrificed or traded in for the sake of another drink? I'm afraid that it is definitely not limited to JUST my love for the movies. I've chosen to drink by myself MANY times over going and spending time with family and friends. Even the times that I was actually with my family, I know that my mind and spirit was actually either under the influence of that drink or pre-occupied with where I'm going to get the next one. Church used to be incredibly important to me. I loved my church family. For crying out loud, I even considered being an Episcopal priest there for a while. But, alcohol slowly seeped in and took that over, too. At first, it was just me showing up to church hungover (or possibly even still drunk) and before too long it was just me not showing up at all. I'm not proud of it. I'm just glad I can identify it now and hopefully avoid that in the future.

As I had mentioned in my first post for 2018, one of my top 10 things I look forward to in the new year is getting back to the movies. I see it as more than just going back to see a good flick every once and a while. It's just another step in getting back to the normal, simple, HAPPY me. Maybe, by this time next year, I'll be able to actually WATCH the Oscars and know what they're talking about...

2018: The Year Ahead...

Happy New Year! This should be known as the "Year of the Rehab," considering we'll be halfway through 2018 by the time I graduate from the FIRSTEP Program. How would the first six months of this year have gone, had I decided to take a different path on November 13th of last year? I can run all sorts of scenarios through my head of "what could have been," and none of them are GOOD scenarios. This is the best possible decision I could've made. It, combined with my past experiences, will position me in a place to actually make something of my life and bring some positive potential to 2018. I highly doubt I'll be some sort of multi-gazillionaire. But, even if I don't find myself with a large bank account, this program is teaching me gratitude for what I DO have. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I don't need to compare my life to other people or try and compete with my brothers on who is the "most successful." Who defines what "success" is, anyway?!

How would I define 2018 as a successful year?? I thought it would be fun to do it Letterman-style in a "TOP TEN" format. So, here it is! My "TOP TEN GOALS for 2018!"

Number ten! I am a through-and-through MOVIE buff. Everyone knows that. For crying out loud, I own over 600 DVD's. In the past few years, it seems that the majority of my budget was eaten up by purchasing certain adult beverages on a very regular basis. One luxury in my life that was sacrificed because of this was going out to see movies. I used to LOVE going to the theater and watching a movie in a dark room with a massive screen and an impressive sound system. Nothing can compare to that, I don't care what kind of equipment you have at home! I used to see at LEAST one movie a week or so. I had a massive box that I kept of all of my ticket stubs. But, when liquor nudged its way into my life, it pushed movies out of the "affordable" column. Hey, I might as well drink at home and watch a movie I already own, versus going out to the theater. Well! Not anymore! I want that to change this year!!!

Number nine! I want to go on a road trip!!! This definitely falls under the WANT category and not the NEED category, so this one might be a stretch for 2018. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant or a super-long distance. I would just love to get behind the wheel and go somewhere that's not normal. Maybe another trip to Waco with the girls? I would LOVE to get to take my favorite trip to Denver, but that's pretty dang extravagant. Hell, the road trip might be to Sulphur Springs or Tulsa or to one of those "trunk shows" that Mom and I like to go to. But, in order to take a road trip, I would definitely need...

Number eight! A car. I want a car. I NEED a car. I miss that feeling of freedom of getting behind the wheel, opening the sunroof (will I have another sunroof? who knows...) and turning on some great music and then just going for a drive. I LOVE meaningless driving. Do I want to turn left or right? Maybe I'll just go forward! That freedom of having a car is beyond comparison and I miss it ever so much! I abused that power before by using the freedom to take certain side trips and hide certain items in my vehicle. Once I'm spiritually fit enough and my credit improves enough, I want that set of keys in my hand.

Number seven! Speaking of credit... I'm really hoping that, once I'm on the right path and getting everything put back together, that I'll get on top of my bills and my CREDIT. I need to make sure that I'm working on getting it to go back UP. I know that I've had to take necessary actions that have had negative consequences on my credit. I didn't WANT to, but I had to in order to get the help I needed and start a program of recovery. I'll get back on top of the bills, my student loans and all that jazz.

Number six! After I have that graduation certificate from FIRSTEP in my hand, I need to re-start the process of finishing up my ACTUAL education. I saved all of my e-mails about the re-starting the admission process at OU so I can pick that back up when I leave here and go back out into the "real world." Hopefully, by the end of 2018, I'll finally have that diploma from OU I've been striving towards for so damn long!

Number five! Sometime shortly after my birthday, I need to start the process of looking for an actual job where I make more than $15 every two weeks. Something, hopefully with health insurance. I don't necessarily want to get a job that would be a career right NOW, but something that can help me get back on my feet and on the road to somewhat normalcy. Even though I don't graduate from the FIRSTEP program until the end of May, I think if I start about a month before, I think that should give me plenty of time to nail something down by May 29th.

Number four! I'm going to try my best to be as open and willing as possible. Life is an adventure. I want to be open to trying new foods, new activities, new foods. I want to be open and willing to do things to help other people, even if it means doing stuff that I don't necessarily WANT to do. Now, don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I'm going to become Jim Carrey's character from the movie "Yes Man," and not ever have the ability to say "no," but I definitely need to learn to say "yeah, sure!" more often...

Number three! I would love to embrace the spirit of GRATITUDE for 2018. Life as a whole seems to be so much easier when you look at it from the optimistic perspective of my glass being half full and that I am truly blessed. That means being grateful, even though I'm not a multi-gazillionaire. Be grateful for the job, for life, for sobriety and/or for family. Does this mean that I'll always be the annoyingly chipper guy that you want to kick in the shin for being so joyful? It's highly doubtful. I know I'll have bad days, I know I'll be irrationally grumpy. I'm only human. But I'm going to truly strive to be as positive as possible. That gratitude is infectious, if I'M happy... it's easier to make YOU happy.

Number two! In 2018, I want to continue to improve my relationships with friends, family and people around me. I want to remind my family of that sober John that they know and love. I want to show Megan that the John she dated for six months was kinda crummy and that I have the potential for SO much more. I want the people that I meet from here on out to have nothing but positive thoughts and opinions about my personality and my character. "That John Cloud is a REALLY good guy."

...and my NUMBER ONE goal for 2018 is, of course, continued sobriety! It will start with me making sure that I do what's necessary to "keep the plug in the jug" for today. If all goes according to plan, I'll take the next right step and try this sober thing out again tomorrow, too. Once I'll string along consecutive days of deciding that I do not want to drink, I'll eventually reach the pinnacle of ONE YEAR on November 14, 2018. Then I can continue on to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate New Year's Eve with the people I love. I'll wrap up 2018 without taking a single drop of alcohol.

In the past, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. Considering my half-attempts and laziness tends to lead to failure and falling short pretty early on. For me, failure has a tendency to fuel my self-hatred. The only way that I can stop those feelings of self-loathing is to drown them with alcohol. Thus, starting that awful circle over again. This year, however, is going to be MUCH different. These are just simple suggestions. Half-attempts aren't even going to be an option for me this year. Like I mentioned, I'm usually HOPEFUL for a new year, like "gee, I hope this year doesn't suck..." In 2018, I'm actually EXCITED for what is in store. I don't know, I just have a good feeling...