One Step Closer...

I can TOTALLY relate to the picture of the runner above. Mentally and (somehow) physically exhausted. Stumbling, but falling across the finish line FACE FIRST. The third semester of my MSW is in the books, and it appears that I'll (miraculously) get to hold on to my 4.0 GPA! I would probably go as far to say that this has been my favorite semester, getting to experience my first practicum as well as going through a class in a subject matter that I had never really considered as possible career path... until now. I've been pretty focused on the idea of a career that, while giving myself other opportunities, mainly focuses on working with people struggling with substance abuse/addiction issues. The course I completed was "theory, practice and evaluation with families and groups." I wasn't too intrigued by the group portion, but I was surprisingly interested in the family portion and learned a lot. The professor was a total ball-buster, but she was absolutely amazing. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I was her favorite. Toot toot.

OKC Metro Alliance and Firstep worked with me and they created an employment-based practicum where I was able to complete my practicum hours while staying on the job. It was SUPER nice because it made it possible where I wasn't having to "work" extra hours to get through practicum. It didn't seem like much at first, but I realized later how much I learned and accomplished through this semester's practicum work at Firstep. I was able to see a lot of different perspectives and angles on how a facility like this is run and how a facility like this COULD be run.

All in the meanwhile, the world continued to turn. I'd love to be able to say that our situation is exponentially better since I last posted in May... but it hasn't been. COVID still continues to rage. We had just turned a corner and started to maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rather than pressing on and getting this pandemic behind us, people took that as a sign that we were all clear and should probably go ahead and open back up. In most areas of the country that numbers are just as bad, if not worse, as when this whole ordeal began. Dumb people around the world actually argue with scientists about the legitimacy of this pandemic, whether or not masks help (duh), and how we as a people should respond. So frustrating.

Shortly after my last post, there were a string of horrid incidents involving police brutality which ended in the needless murders of black people. When an unarmed George Floyd was handcuffed and basically suffocated, it seemed like that set off something that had been simmering under the surface for many years. "Black Lives Matter" became a household phrase. Protests erupted across the country, including several very uneasy protests here in Oklahoma City. People were angry. People demanded change. But this time seems different. Usually, when these things have happened in the past, there are protests and rallies... but eventually it kinda goes away. Here we are, three months later, and there are STILL protests across the country. People are still angry and they are still demanding change. Politicians and the people in power are slow to make that change it seems, and people are going to remember that come November. This topic deserves a post of its own, and I didn't make one, because I believe that I needed more to just sit back and learn. As a white male, I don't really need to jump the forefront and share my opinion. 

I continue to count my blessings as life at home throughout 2020 has been mostly positive. Lots of little bumps and what-not, but we've persevered. I've remained employed throughout this whole ordeal. Megan has too. We've continued to get settled into our new little house together and have a nice routine and way of life worked out. My parents have managed to stay healthy, albeit probably a little stir-crazy since they mainly quarantine to stay safe. Even though I already have everything turned in, my semester officially ends tomorrow. I'll have a nice two-week downtime in which Megan and I are planning on taking a MUCH needed vacation. We're going to take a road-trip up into Colorado. We'll spend SOME time in Denver, but a good portion of time will be spent up in the mountains, staying socially distant and enjoying the scenery. It'll hopefully be relaxing and a great time! I'll need it to fill up my emotional/spiritual/mental/physical "gas tank" before the next semester starts on August 24th! Maybe I can plop out a couple more post in between now and then!

Life @ 35...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

25 was supposedly a big deal. Well, I thought that I was a big deal and so that meant me turning 25 was a big deal worth celebrating. My little group of friends spent a lot of time, effort and money and threw me a pretty awesome birthday party... complete with amazing barbecue, a DELICIOUS cake and lots and LOTS of booze. My brothers and their wives came out. If I can remember correctly (I can't remember much), I think my friends put in the effort to invite some co-workers out too. It was a lovely evening... or it WOULD'VE been lovely, if my budding alcoholism had not totally trashed it. By the end of that night, or more like the next morning... It was about this time that I had started to realize a few things about myself, and some of them were definitely not pleasant.

On the surface, I had my shit together. I was young and skinny (oh so pretty). I had a job that paid me more than I was worth. I had a place of my own (well, sorta on my own... my roommate was never home, which was AWESOME).  I was plugging along in school. I had a booming social life.  Life was fairly picturesque for 25 year old John.

On the inside, I may have had my youth but I was NOT healthy. Little did I know that the job was soon going to be on very thin ice and fail me (or I guess I failed it). The roommate eventually asked me to move out. I may have been in school, but I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. My social life was so shallow and I was about to run away the few loyal friends that I had. It wasn't nearly as pretty as it looked. I was realizing that my sexuality, even as a recently "out" gay man, wasn't as black and white. And, to top it all off, I was starting to come to terms that I might have a problem with alcoholism.

You definitely know the story, that alcoholism definitely blossomed over the next decade. But it isn't the nightmare it sounds like it would be. Believe it or not, it DOES have a happy ending...

Now, I've taken the pain and experiences and turned it into a career working with others struggling with addiction issues. I finished my first degree and am well on my way into my second one, with a VERY clear picture of what I want to do "when I grow up." I may not be in the best shape of my life, but I've learned that health is so much more than just physical. I've accepted that sexuality isn't black and white. I've found someone that I'm more than happy with and is happy with me. She accepts me for me and loves every bit of it. It may be small in number, but I have the best group of friends I ever could have asked for. Plus, I'm actually on good terms with my family... and I love my family.

Corona definitely throws some curveballs into the first 24 hours of my new year, but I know this is only temporary. Things will either go back to "normal"... or they won't. If they don't, I have a program and people that teach me that I can adapt and grow and accept the things that I cannot change... but remembering to have the courage to change the things that I can. With the state of things, it is odd to feel optimistic about the upcoming year. But I am. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm excited to see what #35 has in store for me.

The Hotline...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve lays it out there, pretty plain and simple. Once we "have it," we are supposed to turn around and give it away to the next struggling alcoholic or addict. I've said it many times, but I'll say it again... this time around, it has been step twelve that has made all of the difference in the world when it comes to my sobriety. I surrendered and asked for the help, and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous were there for me. They loved me until I could love myself. They showed me the way to solid ground. Once on solid footing, I stay sober today by (trying) to show the next alcoholic that same path and showing them that same empathy and love.

I've worked the twelfth step by chairing meetings, continuing to stay involved at FIRSTEP, by my work at Specialized Outpatient Services and by choosing to share my story on Facebook. Until this weekend, I had never taken a single 12th step call from the Intergroup hotline. Becky (my supervisor/friend/fellow AA'er) was answering the hotline on Saturday night and thought of me. She passed this man's information along to me. It totally made a great day even better. I think I had a positive impact on the man, at least I hope I planted that seed.

Before I go into that story, I've since learned that the hotline comes in two parts. There is the actual part where you are the person answering the hotline. You man the phone one night a month from 6 PM to 7 AM. You answer basic questions and can give the standard AA info. If you come across someone who needs to talk or needs a ride, you have the 12th step list. That is the second part. People who sign up for the 12th step list say that they are available at any time to talk to someone who needs someone to talk to about how to stop drinking. Since Saturday, I've signed up for both. I'm now answering the hotline every 5th Wednesday of the month (which happens like 3 times a year, but oh well) and I'm on the 12th step list to call people when needed.

Back to the main part of the story. I won't really go into the nitty gritty details of the story, but this was a man a lot like me. A part of him wanted the program, but he had never been able to string that much time sober together. He was quite sensitive like I was, where if someone even LOOKED at me the wrong way, that gave me a reason to go out and drink. He managed to get a little bit of time, but found himself in a situation where someone said something that made him want to jump off the beam. We had a really good conversation. It ended with him telling me, "thank you. Because of you, I'll stay sober tonight." That felt really good.

He went on to tell me that he wasn't sure about staying sober the next day, but I told him neither was I. Something could happen tomorrow that could make me want to drink, and I'm sure there are some liquor store owners that would LOVE to see me back. We both chuckled. But it was totally true! He may have been "closer," considering he already had the bottle... but I have that same sickness. I could've gone some wonky news or someone said something to me that could shoot me off the deep end and into the nearest bar. Luckily, it didn't happen.

We talked again some more the next day. Sadly, I think he probably did go out and drink. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet. Maybe he hadn't found that bottom. I pray he finds it soon and it isn't too hard of a bottom. I hope he remembers my name and my number and that I was a compassionate person that didn't judge. I know that I did what I could, my job is to carry the message... not to carry the alcoholic. So I'm ready and willing to take the next call and the one after that.

Conscious Contact...

It was suggested to me early on that a good way to start the day was to pray to your Higher Power (whatever that might be) and pray for help to stay sober throughout the day. So, it would also make sense that I should pray to my H.P. at the END of the day and thank Him/Her/It/Whatever and show gratitude for staying sober that day. I learned from the eleventh step that I have a much better shot at staying sober if I maintain a conscious contact with my H.P. throughout the day. We "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Of course, MY H.P. is the progressive, understanding and loving God that I was introduced to in the Episcopal Church and I believe has been with me through the good times and the bad. While I'm not necessarily a stereotypical "hit your knees" and pray type of guy, I do find it important to open that channel with God first thing in the morning. I can most definitely tell the difference in my mood and my behavior when I don't or have maybe skimped on the time or effort that I put into my morning prayer. You can call it prayer or meditation or whatever you want, but my time with God tends to be more conversational. Usually I turn on the shower and start with the thoughts of my day ahead. I think about things I have going on and what I need to do. I think of things I need to change in my behavior or attitude from the day(s) before. I think about how I can be the most useful to the people around me. Don't get me wrong, that sounds incredibly impressive all typed out, but it isn't always that way. Some days I figure the most useful I will be is to stay out of people's way or keep to myself because my piss-poor attitude needs to change before I can help others.

I try to keep the conversation going throughout the day. More often than not, life happens and the not-so helpful thoughts pop in. Most of the time, they are just selfish thoughts that are more consumed with money or whatever it is that I can do to further my own cause. I recently heard in a meeting that our minds were MADE to think and that I should just allow it to happen, but not grab on to the thoughts. Let it drift in and then let it drift right out. That makes a lot of sense, because I can be in the middle of some quiet time and I'll all of a sudden remember something else more pressing and urgent and then I get distracted until I complete that more urgent task or follow the other thought through to the end. Acknowledge the thought and that it is there, set it off to the side and continue on with the quiet time. That other stuff can wait.

When I finally crawl into bed, instead of thinking about all of the stuff that needs to be done, I try to stop and think about all the things that have been accomplished. Not just for that individual day, but for the last 20 months. I definitely don't toot my own horn, because I don't see it as being JUST me, but SO many things have changed and improved. I take the time to pray and meditate on that and give gratitude to God for getting me there and continuing to help me stay in a place where I can continue to get stuff done for myself AND to be useful to others. "Let the gratitude overflow into blessing all around you. THEN it will really be a good day."

TRUE Surrender...

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog on what I thought the difference between "compliance" and "surrender" would be. When it comes to my sobriety, I believe that it is important to know how to wholly surrender rather than just be compliant in some sort of program. I feel that if I'm compliant, I'm some sort of zombie or automaton (ooh! good word!) just doing the bare minimum without putting much thought or feeling into what I'm doing or why. If I'm surrendering, I'm putting my heart into it. I'm giving up and following the advice of someone else because I simply can't do what I've been doing anymore.

It's been about a month or so since a close friend of mine relapsed. After he went back out, it seemed like he came right back and wanted to get the help. That didn't last too long before I think he went right back out again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this point, I'm not sure he knows either. I think I did what I could, but now I just feel like I have to step back and let him hit bottom or do SOMETHING on his own. It sucks. I don't want to. I want to help, but I really can't.

This past weekend, I was having a conversation with a current Firstepper who knows many of the guys that I went to Firstep with. As we talked and I asked how these guys were doing, it seemed like more guys were relapsing than were actually making it. Some of these guys were truly surprising because they were guys that I looked up to and thought of them as people who had programs that I wanted to emulate. I know it's not a competition, but I would frequently think of some of these guys as doing this thing "better" than I was. It's definitely disappointing to find out that something stopped working along the way and that these guys thought drinking/using was a better alternative again.

I thought of one guy in particular. This guy didn't live at Firstep while I was a resident out there, but he was out there when I was teaching the Step Action class. Since I (admittedly) wasn't exactly the BEST teacher in the world, I would rely on him frequently to share his thoughts and explanations on certain steps or readings. It definitely didn't take me long to realize that what he shared wasn't some filler that was meant to take up time, he actually knew his stuff and he shared from the point of view of someone who had been through some shit and was doing what was necessary to stay sober. This guy may have had less sober time than I had, but he could definitely teach me a thing or two.

But something happened... I started looking on his Facebook page and saw posts about "staying true to yourself" or various other self-reliance quotes. I was thinking to myself that, yes, it is important to stay true to who you are... but you have to be careful with that. It's important to not forget who you are and to remember what you bring to the table. Those thoughts of self-reliance, however, can be a double-edged sword. What you're essentially saying is that only you have the answer and only you can fix your problems. Eh. If it was up to me, I'd still be pretty damn broken.

I need to remember that I can't do this alone (as much as the introvert in me would like to) and that I most definitely do not have all the answers. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to be able to forgive myself and ask for the help to know how to live a better life. I have to know how to truly surrender, give up all of my old crap that I'm holding on to and try something new. Surrender doesn't mean losing (at least not in this example), it means that maybe someone else has a better idea of what to do and how to live.

Health Run Riot...

First of all, calm down. My health is just fine... for now. I'm blessed that I really haven't experienced very many negative issues with my health for quite some time, despite my TOTAL lack of self-care and motivation to do ANYTHING healthy for myself. What I really meant by the title was more along the lines of weight run riot...but that didn't carry quite the same punch as health. So, there you have it.

It was exactly five months ago today that I last weighed in for Weight Watchers. What did I weigh in at that point? None of your damn business. It was shortly after that meeting that my life jumped on that rollercoaster and I started to experience all those not-so-fun job changes (and the financial changes that come with it). After my position went part time, WW was one of the first things to go, for the sake of saving a few pennies. Despite no longer being a WW member, Shannon (my sponsor AND WW coach) said that he had faith that I should be fine. I had the tools I needed to continue to make healthy choices. He was right. I DID have those tools. It was up to me, however, on whether or not I decided to use those tools.

I think it is so easy for me to categorize everything into two categories, "alcohol" and "not alcohol." I could eat the unhealthy foods and snack non-stop, and it was okay because it wasn't drinking. But, if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, all I did was replace alcohol with food. I was using it the very same way I used to use alcohol on a regular basis. Part of it was scheduling and poor decision making. While at the Crisis Center, the short amount of time I had to eat and the small choices of WHAT I could eat (and none of them were healthy) made it pretty difficult for me to make good choices. I know I could've packed my lunch, but I made the excuse (and it was pretty legitimate) that I HAD to get out of the building for lunch... escape the stress for a bit. So, the result of this was me usually eating some lunchables and chips from either Oncue or 7-11. Occasionally, I'd hit up a restaurant, but that was usually Little Caesar's or Golden Chick.

The main part, however, was mainly just using food to help me cope with how I felt. I've shared before with the emotional issues that came along with being made part time, followed by the stuff I dealt with while at the Crisis Center. Sure, I was super successful because I didn't drink. Probably a huge portion of that was because I didn't have to think about how stressed or upset I was at *insert issue here* because I was currently happy shoving *insert junk food here* into my face. 

The results of this cluster is that I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was big right after I graduated from FIRSTEP... but add about 8 pounds to that, and bingo! Here I am. So, what to do next? Well, first of all, I'm now aware of how I'm treating (or mistreating) food and how I need to change handling that. I'm rejoining Weight Watchers to help get all of that back under control. Second, I think I'm going to look into joining a gym. I think there has to be a whole lot more going on than just losing weight.

It'll take some time. Just like with other forms of recovery, I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the small goals rather than the big shiny finish line. I can do it!

The Missing Time...

Recently, I was re-watching season 2 of "Stranger Things" on Netflix. I wanted to make sure that I was caught up on all of the action that was going to happen in season 3, so I needed a little refresher. Usually, when I've done this in the past, I find myself saying things like "oooh yeah! I remember this part!" or "Man! I remember hating this episode when I first saw it!" But I didn't really think/feel any of that when I was watching over the last few days. It was as if I was watching them for the first time. I had some basic vague ideas about certain bigger events, plot twists and character deaths. When it came to some of the smaller details, character-driven conversations and hidden Easter eggs, it was like I was watching it all for the first time. "Why?" I asked myself. I dug a little deeper and saw that the second season was released on October 27, 2017. It all made so much sense then. At that time, I was circling the drain. I was in a pretty dark spot. A little over two weeks later, I'd hit my bottom. Nineteen days later, I  admitted myself to TRC for detox from alcohol addiction. A month later (November 27), I would begin my six month journey at Firstep.

I started this temporary thought process of "well, shit, what ELSE did I miss in that time period? What else did I miss out on over the 8+ years of dangerously heavy drinking?" Without wallowing in morbid reflection, the answer is a lot. There were several big "events" during those years that I should've been there for, but I wasn't. I was either drunk, occupied with drinking, recovering from the effects of drinking/withdrawal symptoms, or consumed by the thoughts of when/where I was going to get my next drink. Throw that on top of the other things that alcohol cost me, and it just becomes so astronomically clear how devastating this illness is when it's not taken seriously. Relationships, friendships, job opportunities... all down the tubes because I simply couldn't put the bottle down.

I have to warn myself, and I DEFINITELY share this warning with other people new into the program... do not get stuck in these thoughts for two long. Yeah, it's important to not forgot this type of information, but it can devolve into self-hatred/loathing SUPER quick. I speak from experience. Instead, if you feel yourself sinking back into these old thoughts, use it as a quick reminder and then turn it around to the present. I remind myself to stay super mindful of interactions of those around me, certain job experiences, those little curveballs life throws at me, failures and successes.  That way, in the future, the only thing I might forget would be a certain important conversation between Mike and Will that happened in season two of "Stranger Things."

Working With Others...

It definitely didn't take long for me to figure out, and admit to myself, that I had a problem with alcohol. With a little help from various court systems (and a pricey attorney), I did learn that Alcoholics Anonymous was a great resource and could definitely help me get on top of this problem. However, I had a gross misunderstanding about what I needed to invest and the steps I needed to take to stay on top of the problem. Starting off, I'd go to the meetings and do the bare minimum when it came to interacting with other alcoholics. After a few weeks, I'd get to that point where I thought I had a good handle on the whole sobriety thing and I would cut back on the meetings or even stop going altogether. My favorite was excuse was somehow blaming Alcoholics Anonymous for my failings and telling those who would listen that I think I could do it better on my own. I stopped listening to those who had come before me and I DEFINITELY didn't help those who were trying to get sober after me. There was a very small group of people that I met through the rooms of AA that I could say that I actually liked. However, I don't think that necessarily meant that I cared for them. It sounds cold and calloused to say, but I don't think I ever lost any sleep when I heard one of them would "go back out" or relapse. It just became another blip on my radar... "Oh, so and so relapsed? THAT'S a big surprise." *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*

That's where the program at Firstep was a real Godsend for me. It basically forced me into the middle of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The tasks that we were given to do to progress and "phase up" through the program required that we get involved with the other "brothers." At first, we worked with our "big brothers" (Firstep's version of a sponsor). If the higher-up's saw that you were someone that was doing what they were supposed to, eventually you were given a "little brother" to help along. Working with others was especially crammed down my throat because I worked in the office. I had to help the new people get established in the program, just like people helped me. I had to help the guys who had been there a while meet their everyday needs, whether it was helping them fill out a pass or making sure their time cards were correct.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment where it stopped being a chore, task or something found in my job description. It became something natural, done without asking. It became something I enjoyed to do. The meaning behind the twelfth step finally clicked with me. In my opinion, that is when the BIGGEST puzzle piece in my sobriety fell into place. In order to stay sober, I have to turn around and give it away to the next person. Whether that's helping them with those days where they are white knuckling it, helping them with step work, or helping make sure the new guy has hygiene products... it all helps ME stay sober.

So, at some point during my six months at Firstep, I actually found myself caring about these people. I had been in the program for about three months when I lost two great friends that I had made in recovery. One of them, my Firstep brother Ben, I lost when he went AWOL from Firstep and overdosed on Heroin. It broke my heart. It hurt surprisingly bad. Both men that I had lost were people that I otherwise would not have interacted with, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them was an aging man who seem to be proud of his "crotchety-ness" and the other was this little skinny kid who loved to run. Firstep, and the program as a whole, are FULL of these guys (and gals) that I usually wouldn't choose to spend any time with... but here I am, becoming friends with them. I rejoice with them in their successes, and I empathize with them and try to pick them back up when they fall. Over the last 19 months, I've seen LOTS of success. Guys getting GOOD jobs, starting families and STAYING sober. I've seen plenty of heartbreaks, relapses, job losses and just the general shit that life can throw at us.

I, of course, am super hard on myself... even when it comes to the idea of working with others. I don't do it so well, or I give the wrong advice or maybe I listened when I should've talked... I can think of a jillion different ways to pick apart my effort. I've watched a few others in this program who I find awe-inspiring. The advice they can give or whatever it is that they do just seems to work and click and it seems like they saves lives. I feel like I stumble over my own words and I can only imagine people hanging up the phone and being like "well, THAT was a waste of 15 minutes." Recently, after a friend relapsed, I was even turning to the Big Book and reading out of "Working With Others" to get some help. In the long run, I think the fact that I'm putting in the effort is what matters. Over time, as I get experience with helping people, I'll learn and remember the things that work and don't work. The point is that I just have to keep doing it. I can't give up, because people have never given up on me...

Ben & Jerry...

No, I really wish that I was referring to "Ben & Jerry's" and that this blog entry was all about ice cream. But it's not. My life rolls on, day in and day out, and I've honestly never been happier. I'm probably the busiest I've been in recent years, but I'm totally okay with that. FIRSTEP has given me plenty of new responsibilities to keep up with, but I'm actually eager and willing to show them that I can do this and I'm willing to do my part to help keep this place up and running. I want them to remember that I'd be a really good candidate for working here once I graduate. So, I've been super busy, but super happy.

Thursday was supposed to be a relaxing day off from work, but with how I've been approaching work here lately, that meant I was still in the office. I just so happened to be in the office when I heard that Ben, a FIRSTEP client and a good friend of mine, had apparently walked away from the job site and was AWOL from the program. Sadly this is one of those things that are normal in a rehab type situation, where people up and leave and go back out to use and/or drink. I tried calling and texting Ben numerous times but to no avail. My last voicemail I just asked him to please, whether or not he wanted to come back to the program, to let me know he was okay and I told him that I loved him. In most instances, people never call back, but I've just assumed because it's easier to not have to feel that shame or guilt from leaving.

Yesterday started out like any other. It didn't take too long for it to turn pretty hectic, juggling all the tasks that come with admitting TWO new clients in the morning as well as having THREE clients unexpectedly leave the program. At one point, I was casually browsing Facebook and read a post from a friend that read "I am sad to report that Jerry O., 'aging alcoholic' passed away suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. At Jerry's request, he wished to have no formal service, but just a small family only memorial. If anyone would like to send a condolence card to his family." It was like I had just gotten punched in the gut. Jerry was a very good friend of mine that was a fellow member of LLL. Straight as an arrow, he was an elderly married man that seemed to fit in just perfectly with the rest of our crew. I'm not sure if he first found interest in me or that I found interest in him, but Jerry and I quickly became good friends, whether we were in the program or out of the program. He struggled just like I've struggled. He was SO proud of me when he heard that I was in FIRSTEP and I was happy and content here because I knew that Jerry was doing well, staying sober and attending LLL on a regular basis.
Just because we're sober, doesn't mean that life is all hunky-dory. People pass away from illness or old age. People experience pain, sorrow or loss. The only difference is, we're left without our old defenses of hiding behind the pain with a big bottle. We're left to feel all of those emotions and the waves of sadness. Luckily Bill was here because I had to excuse myself from my desk for a moment.  I cried and I cried. I put myself together for a bit and called Mom and I cried some more. I sent my sponsor a text message and then called him and we cried together. As weird as it sounds, it felt good and okay to just let all of that out. I didn't feel the need to hide or didn't feel like I wanted a drink to make this go away.
I took a deep breath and said a few prayers of thanks for getting to know Jerry and prayed for his family and the fellowship of LLL and then went back to work. A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman who identified herself as a family friend of Ben (my friend who didn't come home from work on Thursday) and she asked for me by name, I just so happened to be the one that answered the phone. She told me that they had been notified by the police that he had been found dead of an apparent overdose. Not even a full 24-hours after leaving the program and he was already gone. Again, I was punched in the gut. This was a different kind of pain. This was the pain of knowing that a friend of mine had been taken by the disease of addiction, the very disease that I'm fighting here at FIRSTEP. Whether it's alcohol or heroin, this disease wants to kill us all. Sadly, in a lot of cases, it succeeds.

When Ben was new to FIRSTEP, he was one of my very first intakes as a ROD. As I was still trying to come out of my shell, Ben was one of the first guys that I really got comfortable talking with. He wasn't one of those super-tough, butch, big burly guys that talks about trucks and guns. He was a smaller guy, kinda nerdy, well-spoken, smart and funny. He was developing his relationship with God.

He was one of the guys that I could tell was REALLY taking this whole recovery thing seriously. I never would've guessed this was in the cards. The "when, why, where and what" of it all is still a mystery and I'm okay with it staying that way. It wasn't a pleasant way to go, I don't need to know the details of it all. My friend is gone. I'm grateful that I got to know him and he was part of my journey. I just know that I'm going to pray for my brothers here at FIRSTEP who aren't quite as equipped to handle a world-shaking death like this one that hits so close to home as well as his family that definitely wasn't ready for this tragic news. I don't know what Ben has said to his family about me, but they apparently know my name and I actually just got off the phone with his Mom. Gah, that just breaks my heart.

"Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts." -- Paramahansa Yogananda