It was exactly five months ago today that I last weighed in for Weight Watchers. What did I weigh in at that point? None of your damn business. It was shortly after that meeting that my life jumped on that rollercoaster and I started to experience all those not-so-fun job changes (and the financial changes that come with it). After my position went part time, WW was one of the first things to go, for the sake of saving a few pennies. Despite no longer being a WW member, Shannon (my sponsor AND WW coach) said that he had faith that I should be fine. I had the tools I needed to continue to make healthy choices. He was right. I DID have those tools. It was up to me, however, on whether or not I decided to use those tools.
I think it is so easy for me to categorize everything into two categories, "alcohol" and "not alcohol." I could eat the unhealthy foods and snack non-stop, and it was okay because it wasn't drinking. But, if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, all I did was replace alcohol with food. I was using it the very same way I used to use alcohol on a regular basis. Part of it was scheduling and poor decision making. While at the Crisis Center, the short amount of time I had to eat and the small choices of WHAT I could eat (and none of them were healthy) made it pretty difficult for me to make good choices. I know I could've packed my lunch, but I made the excuse (and it was pretty legitimate) that I HAD to get out of the building for lunch... escape the stress for a bit. So, the result of this was me usually eating some lunchables and chips from either Oncue or 7-11. Occasionally, I'd hit up a restaurant, but that was usually Little Caesar's or Golden Chick.
The main part, however, was mainly just using food to help me cope with how I felt. I've shared before with the emotional issues that came along with being made part time, followed by the stuff I dealt with while at the Crisis Center. Sure, I was super successful because I didn't drink. Probably a huge portion of that was because I didn't have to think about how stressed or upset I was at *insert issue here* because I was currently happy shoving *insert junk food here* into my face.
The results of this cluster is that I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was big right after I graduated from FIRSTEP... but add about 8 pounds to that, and bingo! Here I am. So, what to do next? Well, first of all, I'm now aware of how I'm treating (or mistreating) food and how I need to change handling that. I'm rejoining Weight Watchers to help get all of that back under control. Second, I think I'm going to look into joining a gym. I think there has to be a whole lot more going on than just losing weight.
It'll take some time. Just like with other forms of recovery, I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the small goals rather than the big shiny finish line. I can do it!
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