Ben & Jerry...

No, I really wish that I was referring to "Ben & Jerry's" and that this blog entry was all about ice cream. But it's not. My life rolls on, day in and day out, and I've honestly never been happier. I'm probably the busiest I've been in recent years, but I'm totally okay with that. FIRSTEP has given me plenty of new responsibilities to keep up with, but I'm actually eager and willing to show them that I can do this and I'm willing to do my part to help keep this place up and running. I want them to remember that I'd be a really good candidate for working here once I graduate. So, I've been super busy, but super happy.

Thursday was supposed to be a relaxing day off from work, but with how I've been approaching work here lately, that meant I was still in the office. I just so happened to be in the office when I heard that Ben, a FIRSTEP client and a good friend of mine, had apparently walked away from the job site and was AWOL from the program. Sadly this is one of those things that are normal in a rehab type situation, where people up and leave and go back out to use and/or drink. I tried calling and texting Ben numerous times but to no avail. My last voicemail I just asked him to please, whether or not he wanted to come back to the program, to let me know he was okay and I told him that I loved him. In most instances, people never call back, but I've just assumed because it's easier to not have to feel that shame or guilt from leaving.

Yesterday started out like any other. It didn't take too long for it to turn pretty hectic, juggling all the tasks that come with admitting TWO new clients in the morning as well as having THREE clients unexpectedly leave the program. At one point, I was casually browsing Facebook and read a post from a friend that read "I am sad to report that Jerry O., 'aging alcoholic' passed away suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. At Jerry's request, he wished to have no formal service, but just a small family only memorial. If anyone would like to send a condolence card to his family." It was like I had just gotten punched in the gut. Jerry was a very good friend of mine that was a fellow member of LLL. Straight as an arrow, he was an elderly married man that seemed to fit in just perfectly with the rest of our crew. I'm not sure if he first found interest in me or that I found interest in him, but Jerry and I quickly became good friends, whether we were in the program or out of the program. He struggled just like I've struggled. He was SO proud of me when he heard that I was in FIRSTEP and I was happy and content here because I knew that Jerry was doing well, staying sober and attending LLL on a regular basis.
Just because we're sober, doesn't mean that life is all hunky-dory. People pass away from illness or old age. People experience pain, sorrow or loss. The only difference is, we're left without our old defenses of hiding behind the pain with a big bottle. We're left to feel all of those emotions and the waves of sadness. Luckily Bill was here because I had to excuse myself from my desk for a moment.  I cried and I cried. I put myself together for a bit and called Mom and I cried some more. I sent my sponsor a text message and then called him and we cried together. As weird as it sounds, it felt good and okay to just let all of that out. I didn't feel the need to hide or didn't feel like I wanted a drink to make this go away.
I took a deep breath and said a few prayers of thanks for getting to know Jerry and prayed for his family and the fellowship of LLL and then went back to work. A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman who identified herself as a family friend of Ben (my friend who didn't come home from work on Thursday) and she asked for me by name, I just so happened to be the one that answered the phone. She told me that they had been notified by the police that he had been found dead of an apparent overdose. Not even a full 24-hours after leaving the program and he was already gone. Again, I was punched in the gut. This was a different kind of pain. This was the pain of knowing that a friend of mine had been taken by the disease of addiction, the very disease that I'm fighting here at FIRSTEP. Whether it's alcohol or heroin, this disease wants to kill us all. Sadly, in a lot of cases, it succeeds.

When Ben was new to FIRSTEP, he was one of my very first intakes as a ROD. As I was still trying to come out of my shell, Ben was one of the first guys that I really got comfortable talking with. He wasn't one of those super-tough, butch, big burly guys that talks about trucks and guns. He was a smaller guy, kinda nerdy, well-spoken, smart and funny. He was developing his relationship with God.

He was one of the guys that I could tell was REALLY taking this whole recovery thing seriously. I never would've guessed this was in the cards. The "when, why, where and what" of it all is still a mystery and I'm okay with it staying that way. It wasn't a pleasant way to go, I don't need to know the details of it all. My friend is gone. I'm grateful that I got to know him and he was part of my journey. I just know that I'm going to pray for my brothers here at FIRSTEP who aren't quite as equipped to handle a world-shaking death like this one that hits so close to home as well as his family that definitely wasn't ready for this tragic news. I don't know what Ben has said to his family about me, but they apparently know my name and I actually just got off the phone with his Mom. Gah, that just breaks my heart.

"Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts." -- Paramahansa Yogananda