TRUE Surrender...

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog on what I thought the difference between "compliance" and "surrender" would be. When it comes to my sobriety, I believe that it is important to know how to wholly surrender rather than just be compliant in some sort of program. I feel that if I'm compliant, I'm some sort of zombie or automaton (ooh! good word!) just doing the bare minimum without putting much thought or feeling into what I'm doing or why. If I'm surrendering, I'm putting my heart into it. I'm giving up and following the advice of someone else because I simply can't do what I've been doing anymore.

It's been about a month or so since a close friend of mine relapsed. After he went back out, it seemed like he came right back and wanted to get the help. That didn't last too long before I think he went right back out again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this point, I'm not sure he knows either. I think I did what I could, but now I just feel like I have to step back and let him hit bottom or do SOMETHING on his own. It sucks. I don't want to. I want to help, but I really can't.

This past weekend, I was having a conversation with a current Firstepper who knows many of the guys that I went to Firstep with. As we talked and I asked how these guys were doing, it seemed like more guys were relapsing than were actually making it. Some of these guys were truly surprising because they were guys that I looked up to and thought of them as people who had programs that I wanted to emulate. I know it's not a competition, but I would frequently think of some of these guys as doing this thing "better" than I was. It's definitely disappointing to find out that something stopped working along the way and that these guys thought drinking/using was a better alternative again.

I thought of one guy in particular. This guy didn't live at Firstep while I was a resident out there, but he was out there when I was teaching the Step Action class. Since I (admittedly) wasn't exactly the BEST teacher in the world, I would rely on him frequently to share his thoughts and explanations on certain steps or readings. It definitely didn't take me long to realize that what he shared wasn't some filler that was meant to take up time, he actually knew his stuff and he shared from the point of view of someone who had been through some shit and was doing what was necessary to stay sober. This guy may have had less sober time than I had, but he could definitely teach me a thing or two.

But something happened... I started looking on his Facebook page and saw posts about "staying true to yourself" or various other self-reliance quotes. I was thinking to myself that, yes, it is important to stay true to who you are... but you have to be careful with that. It's important to not forget who you are and to remember what you bring to the table. Those thoughts of self-reliance, however, can be a double-edged sword. What you're essentially saying is that only you have the answer and only you can fix your problems. Eh. If it was up to me, I'd still be pretty damn broken.

I need to remember that I can't do this alone (as much as the introvert in me would like to) and that I most definitely do not have all the answers. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to be able to forgive myself and ask for the help to know how to live a better life. I have to know how to truly surrender, give up all of my old crap that I'm holding on to and try something new. Surrender doesn't mean losing (at least not in this example), it means that maybe someone else has a better idea of what to do and how to live.

Compliance vs. Surrender...

"Compliance" is defined as "a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way." To me, compliance is cold and sterile. Compliance is discussed when it comes to policies, procedures and laws. Kind of heartless. Job sites are expected to be in compliance with safety standards. When you get behind the wheel of a car, you are expected to be in compliance with proper insurance and licensing to show that you are allowed to drive that vehicle.

"Surrender" is defined as "to yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession on demand or under duress." It sounds pretty similar to "compliance," right? Well, just to make sure, I looked up the meaning of duress and it means "compulsion by threat or force." So, someone surrenders after they really have no choice. The Japanese surrendered in World War II after the US bombed two of their cities with nuclear bombs, killing potentially hundreds of thousands of civilians. They realized that they could make the decision... surrender now or be bombed back into the stone age. To me, surrender has a much more emotional feeling. Like the picture above shows, people usually only surrender when they've been beaten down and have no other choice. "Please, for the love of God, MAKE IT STOP!"

When it comes to my alcoholism, I can either be in compliance with doing the little tasks, squeaking by with the absolute minimum on what it takes to keep me sober or I can completely surrender myself to the fact that I am completely powerless over alcohol and my life is totally unmanageable on my own. For the past seven years, I have to be honest and admit that I've lived my life in that compliance category. That is definitely what has caused me to fail, over and over again. I haven't put any HEART or feeling into my sobriety. I've just tried to squeak by with that absolute minimum. I'd be giving as little fuel as possible, but would still scratch my head in confusion when the fire would die out. "Wait. How in the world did I wind up in this situation... again?"

This time around, I know that I had to throw all of myself into this program. That meant body AND soul. I had to make myself physically, mentally and spiritually available. It meant taking me WAY outside of my comfort zone and jumping into something completely new and foreign. Nearly six months later and this new way of thinking has proven to be pretty successful. Not only am I physically sober, I consider myself spiritually sober as well. I am in a great space in mind and body. I'm FIVE DAYS AWAY from celebrating six months of sustained sobriety. I've continuously surprised myself with what I've been able to do for the last few months. I'm proud of myself. Yes, you heard that right. Me. I'm proud of myself. Sheesh. Who knew?

But, I know that it's not over. If anything, it's actually just starting. In 20 short days, I'll be leaving the safety behind the gates of FIRSTEP and that world is out there waiting for me. Byron's is waiting. But so are the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going to rest on my laurels and say "I've got this" like I've said in the past. I know that I have to make that right choice and keep myself out there. I'm actually EXCITED about what opportunities and LIFE waits for me on May 30th...

I CAN DO THIS!