Working With Others...

It definitely didn't take long for me to figure out, and admit to myself, that I had a problem with alcohol. With a little help from various court systems (and a pricey attorney), I did learn that Alcoholics Anonymous was a great resource and could definitely help me get on top of this problem. However, I had a gross misunderstanding about what I needed to invest and the steps I needed to take to stay on top of the problem. Starting off, I'd go to the meetings and do the bare minimum when it came to interacting with other alcoholics. After a few weeks, I'd get to that point where I thought I had a good handle on the whole sobriety thing and I would cut back on the meetings or even stop going altogether. My favorite was excuse was somehow blaming Alcoholics Anonymous for my failings and telling those who would listen that I think I could do it better on my own. I stopped listening to those who had come before me and I DEFINITELY didn't help those who were trying to get sober after me. There was a very small group of people that I met through the rooms of AA that I could say that I actually liked. However, I don't think that necessarily meant that I cared for them. It sounds cold and calloused to say, but I don't think I ever lost any sleep when I heard one of them would "go back out" or relapse. It just became another blip on my radar... "Oh, so and so relapsed? THAT'S a big surprise." *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*

That's where the program at Firstep was a real Godsend for me. It basically forced me into the middle of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The tasks that we were given to do to progress and "phase up" through the program required that we get involved with the other "brothers." At first, we worked with our "big brothers" (Firstep's version of a sponsor). If the higher-up's saw that you were someone that was doing what they were supposed to, eventually you were given a "little brother" to help along. Working with others was especially crammed down my throat because I worked in the office. I had to help the new people get established in the program, just like people helped me. I had to help the guys who had been there a while meet their everyday needs, whether it was helping them fill out a pass or making sure their time cards were correct.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment where it stopped being a chore, task or something found in my job description. It became something natural, done without asking. It became something I enjoyed to do. The meaning behind the twelfth step finally clicked with me. In my opinion, that is when the BIGGEST puzzle piece in my sobriety fell into place. In order to stay sober, I have to turn around and give it away to the next person. Whether that's helping them with those days where they are white knuckling it, helping them with step work, or helping make sure the new guy has hygiene products... it all helps ME stay sober.

So, at some point during my six months at Firstep, I actually found myself caring about these people. I had been in the program for about three months when I lost two great friends that I had made in recovery. One of them, my Firstep brother Ben, I lost when he went AWOL from Firstep and overdosed on Heroin. It broke my heart. It hurt surprisingly bad. Both men that I had lost were people that I otherwise would not have interacted with, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them was an aging man who seem to be proud of his "crotchety-ness" and the other was this little skinny kid who loved to run. Firstep, and the program as a whole, are FULL of these guys (and gals) that I usually wouldn't choose to spend any time with... but here I am, becoming friends with them. I rejoice with them in their successes, and I empathize with them and try to pick them back up when they fall. Over the last 19 months, I've seen LOTS of success. Guys getting GOOD jobs, starting families and STAYING sober. I've seen plenty of heartbreaks, relapses, job losses and just the general shit that life can throw at us.

I, of course, am super hard on myself... even when it comes to the idea of working with others. I don't do it so well, or I give the wrong advice or maybe I listened when I should've talked... I can think of a jillion different ways to pick apart my effort. I've watched a few others in this program who I find awe-inspiring. The advice they can give or whatever it is that they do just seems to work and click and it seems like they saves lives. I feel like I stumble over my own words and I can only imagine people hanging up the phone and being like "well, THAT was a waste of 15 minutes." Recently, after a friend relapsed, I was even turning to the Big Book and reading out of "Working With Others" to get some help. In the long run, I think the fact that I'm putting in the effort is what matters. Over time, as I get experience with helping people, I'll learn and remember the things that work and don't work. The point is that I just have to keep doing it. I can't give up, because people have never given up on me...

Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...

No Opinion...

I've been in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for over seven years, so I'm definitely no stranger to the 12 steps. That being said, I have never really given them the attention or the respect that they deserve until this past year. I also tend to forget that AA has 12 traditions in addition to the steps. While the steps are in place to help an individual achieve long-term sobriety, the traditions are there to help make sure that AA groups and clubhouses can keep their doors open and focus on their ultimate purpose. They are there to help groups with how we should deal with money issues, how we should handle leadership and... most importantly... how to approach the more controversial aspects of everyday life.

I just realized that I've never really focused on the traditions before... because I've never really CARED about helping OTHER alcoholics to achieve THEIR sobriety... I was barely concerned about my own.

In the month of October, some groups focused on tradition 10. that states "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Wait... what? How are we supposed to do that?? Everyday, we are surrounded by important matters that involve politics, religion and controversial topics like LGBT rights. Whether you find yourself on the left or the right, we are encouraged to "fight" for what we believe in as right or wrong. We're supposed to take a stand, spread the word and help educate those who might not know or might be undecided.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am INCREDIBLY opinionated on pretty much everything. Best restaurants? I'll tell you. What movie you should see? Yeah, come ask me. Who you should vote for? You probably don't even have to ask me... I've probably already told you. Especially when you start jumping into political issues. I feel very strongly that I need to fight for what I believe in, otherwise this country and this society run the risk of becoming so toxic and scary and a place where I don't want to raise my soon-to-be children.

I'm not going to change. That's part of who I am, at my core. But even I have gotten to that point where I know that there is a time or place for me to state that people should ELECT DREW EDMONDSON FOR GOVERNOR. Sorry, that one slipped. Ultimately, I don't want to make it where I am unapproachable. Let's say a die-hard Kevin Stitt supporter comes through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. He should be able to reach out to me and I can do my best to try and share with him what was given to me. If one of my sponsees supports Kevin Stitt, and has the choice of either talking to me or going back out and drinking or using... I need to make sure that I am approachable regardless of political or personal opinion.

Donald Trump supporter? Of course I'm here to share with you my experience, strength and hope. Sheesh, if I had originally supported the man, I'd probably drink too. Oops, there I go again. I slipped.

All kidding aside, regardless of political affiliation, theological or philosophical opinions, favorite movie genre, thoughts on best restaurant or what direction you hang your toilet paper on the roll... I have learned from AA that...

"I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that, I am responsible."