Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...

A Vision For Me...

Yeah, yeah, I know... the chapter is actually titled A Vision For You, but what can I say? I'm selfish. It's all about me (duh). As you could probably guess, the chapter lays out the possibilities of a life that you can find once you put down the bottle and start working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. "You will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." I don't know about you, but I think that sounds pretty dang good, especially compared to the life that I had been living before...

But that's the kicker... was life before really all that bad?!? What a dangerous thought. Mom and I were discussing how, here recently, I will occasionally actually miss my father. It is a weird feeling, considering I don't really have much positive to say about him right now. We worked out, that what it was that I was feeling was missing what was. I missed those positive memories I had with Dad many, many years ago. Even if I were to rekindle the relationship with him now, the likelihood of me recapturing or reliving those memories would be pretty slim to none. For me, the same goes for my days of drinking. Yes, there were PLENTY of amazing memories of times that alcohol was involved that I had great times with friends and family. But, the book is totally right that it wasn't like that near the end. The end of my drinking days were dark and depressing. The Big Book says it best... "the old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past."

I could honestly write a book about "the great moments." It took a time for me to really enjoy alcohol, but once I did... man, I LOVED it. Happy hour with coworkers, "pre-gaming" before going out with friends, working the political fundraisers... there were a LOT of really good memories. But I have to play that tape the whole way through. Out of the 12 years or so of my drinking career... how many of those were actually happy? Eventually, happy memories started to become tainted with not-so-happy conclusions. But I continued to drink, thinking that "this time will be different," or "I can live those happy days again!" But it never happened. It continued to get worse. There near the end, I didn't drink to find the release from care, boredom or worry. I drank to exist. I drank to feel numb and just be able to make it through the day. I felt like I was never going to be able to live without it.

I'm over a year sober now, and just celebrated my SECOND round of sober holidays. After an amazing Christmas, I find myself filled with that attitude of gratitude. Come to think of it, I think that vision WAS for me. Because my life DOES mean something at last. This was the best Christmas in many years. While I wasn't really looking forward to waking up so early, I was looking forward to getting to come into work today. I get to do something I enjoy. I'm pretty certain the most satisfactory years of my life lie ahead. I think I'm going to continue trudging along that Road of Happy Destiny.

Humility...

I absolutely love the progressive step study meeting at LLL on Thursday nights. It's usually all men, around 10 or so of us, and they range from somewhere around my age to probably in their late 60's to early 70's. The majority of them have plenty of sobriety under their belt, but occasionally someone comes in who is still newer to the program. Regardless of where they are, I love hearing different perspectives regarding the steps. There are plenty of times that I share my thoughts on a step, thinking that I have a pretty good grasp or understanding about what the original authors were trying to say. Then, once other people share THEIR thoughts on the step, most of the time I feel like I have to go back to square one. I don't mean that in a bad way whatsoever, it's just that it makes me realize that "nope, I think I may have been coming at that one all wrong, I think I need to try again."

Last night's meeting on the seventh step was definitely one of those meetings. Step seven reads "humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." I was one of the first to read and share, and my mind seemed to focus in on the word "shortcomings." I immediately thought of all of those character defects I carry around and have been for years. This program is teaching me to work on those and pray on the willingness to not rely on those anymore. I focused on how I'm learning to treat myself better and, in return, treat others better as well. I used to think soooooo lowly of myself. I was such a piece of garbage, a disappointment and not really worth any sort of effort or attention. Now I'm able to remind myself that those thoughts are not true and that I am WORTH it. I am doing the work to right my wrongs and re-build a "new and improved" John. I also know that I need to cut myself a lot of slack, I'm not perfect. As long as I acknowledge and understand that, as well as remain open and willing to learn... I'm exactly where I need to be.

While I wasn't necessarily incorrect, per se, the other guys in the meeting (for the most part) all honed in on the word "humbly" and therefore all talked about what humility is and what it means to possess humility. Everybody seemed to confess a not-so-sure understanding of what humility is, others discussed the idea that they think they knew what humility was... but had a real difficult time reaching it. I loved all of the honesty. One of the last guys shared the quote that I posted above, by C.S. Lewis. The idea just blew my mind. Everyone seemed to confuse the idea of humility with the idea of being a human doormat. That, in order to be humble, you had to lower yourself and grovel. Not the case, whatsoever. He continued on to talk about the idea that, even if you are the type that thinks you are pure garbage (such as myself,) you are still thinking about yourself. So your self-hatred and everything is still a form of arrogance. Say wha!? I had always associated the idea of arrogance with cockiness. "I'm the best at this or I'm better than..." If your head is filled with all these thoughts of yourself, negative OR positive, it leaves little to no room for anything or anyone else.

I need to continue to do better. Stay out of myself. Help others. Don't think highly of myself. Don't think lowly of myself. Think of someone else. Hmm... goals to strive for.

Extravagant Promises? We Think Not...

For a few days prior, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say when I finally stood behind that podium at LLL's birthday meeting. I knew I wanted to thank certain people, share certain experiences and definitely share with everyone what my life was like now. I went to sleep on Saturday night and, for whatever reason, had several continuous nightmares in which I relapsed over and over again. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I do remember feeling certain emotions. I felt anger, disappointment, confusion and definitely plenty of fear. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of knowing that this would hurt people all over again. I felt fear because I knew exactly where this was going to lead me. They were incredibly dark feelings. I knew that I wanted to share those feelings. I also wanted to share that, when I woke up, I was immediately overwhelmed with the feelings of joy and relief... it was all just a dream! I don't have to live that life anymore and I possess the tools to avoid ever having to feel those feelings after a relapse ever again.

I had a very rough draft version of what I was going to share rumbling around in my head. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as soon as they started singing and my sponsor handed me the flaming cupcake... things get a little fuzzy. I DO know that I almost lit my sleeve on fire. Luckily Shannon was paying closer attention to the candle than I was. After that, I got behind the podium and began to speak. I think I hit on some of the important parts that I wanted to share, but I know I COMPLETELY blanked on other important parts... like taking the time to thank certain people. Maybe it was for the best, because I might not have held it together as I went down the list. I also would've run the risk of accidentally leaving someone out and hurting feelings and I wanted to do ANYTHING but that. So, I decided to wrap everything up by sharing the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous with those in the crowd who weren't familiar with them. As I went line by line, I had the desire to expand on particular promises and add my own flair or flavor to them, but I wanted to keep them intact... until now:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...
I can say that I'm truly the happiest that I have been since... probably before my parents divorced. Yeah, life is FAR from perfect, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I have more than "acceptance" or "living life on life's terms," it's something more like "be happy with life, despite life's terms" or something like that... if that even makes sense.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
My past is a part of who I am. Without certain events playing out the way they did,  I wouldn't be exactly where I am today. I don't want to change where I am today. My past helps shape me and helps make me useful for people who have gone through or are going through the same types of situations.

We will comprehend the word serenity...
Not always easy, but becoming easier everyday. I don't feel like I'm as angry as often. If I DO get angry, I find it a lot easier to calm myself down.

And we will know peace...
I definitely want to get a STRONGER grasp on peace, but I think it's a lot better than it was before. I do struggle with anxiety, but rather than just drown it in vodka, I do know how to identify it and handle it more appropriately.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...
Kinda like I mentioned earlier, everything that I've done and all of those things that used to make me hate myself become my assets and makes me more attractive yet approachable to those who need help.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear...
I don't feel that overwhelming desire to isolate and withdraw from everything and everyone because "what can I add? I'll probably just be a nuisance." I can reach out to these guys at FIRSTEP, because I AM useful. I can try and help this understand different perspectives on step work. I can help them understand why Brent and the other staff might say or do certain things. I can be a listening ear if they need to talk. I can be a friend. I know what I have to offer. I don't feel sorry for myself because I CAN'T offer certain things or if I don't have certain things... that's just not meant to be. Why waste time on that?

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows...
While, yes, I do care for and am willing to do a lot of things for my brothers at Firstep, fellow alcoholics, friends, family and whoever... I am still selfish. This is a daily practice to try and stay out of my self and put myself out there, where I can be useful. Some days are easier or more successful than others. I can tell you one thing, no I really don't WANT to wake up early in the morning and go do stepwork with another alcoholic... but I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Of course, I would much rather sleep in. But I know my sponsor and plenty of others who would go out of their way to do those things for me. I should do that, too.

Self-seeking will slip away...
Yep. I'm not perfect, something that definitely still needs to be worked on. I do know that I try my best to not do these things for other people for dishonest reasons. I don't get out there and help or do whatever I can for some sort of praise or reward... I need to do those things because that's what good people do. I wanna be a good person.

Our whole attitude and outlook will change...
Some days yes, other days I think less than pleasant thoughts about various people, places and things that I can't control.

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us...
I'm working on it. I am very comfortable around MY people. I can interact with Firsteppers, even the newer guys that I don't know yet, very casually. I talk comfortably with strangers all the time. But, if you drop me into a new situation or surrounding, I still get uncomfortable and awkward. Economic insecurity has definitely left me. I'm broke. I know I'm broke. I'm ok with being broke. People will love me despite me being broke. My bank account may be worthless, but I'M not worthless.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...
This is ultimately a goal. I still feel like I ask a lot of questions. I think I'm beginning to get that intuition, but I doubt myself. I feel like I know what to do, but I still need to turn around and ask... "is that right?" Nothing wrong with that.

We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
I am in a pretty consistent state of awe these days. What I'm doing, HOW I'm doing and where I am right now defies all logical explanation. That can only leave some sort of divine intervention. I know, I know... it sounds cheesy. I took that first step and still take it daily. I admitted that I was powerless. I continue to believe in a Higher Power that will take care of me if I do the next right thing... and my God hasn't let me down. When I don't necessarily get the answers that I want, I try my best (and sometimes succeed) that God has a bigger/better plan and allow it to be worked out... so far it has.

...

As I thought through all of these now, especially the later ones that I feel like I'm still working on, the thought kept popping into my head "progress, not perfection." I don't really have any of these down packed, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on myself. I'm actually DOING the work instead of sitting idly by or resting on my laurels or whatever. I highly doubt I'll ever get it ALL down packed and part of me doesn't really want to. There is always something new to learn, a different perspective to take into consideration, a new story to listen to. So here is to another year! December 1, 2019... be there for my SECOND sobriety birthday celebration at LLL!

The Keys of Willingness...

At the height of my "success," before my alcoholism really started to beat me down and the consequences started rolling in, I had a BIG keychain. PLENTY of keys. I had the key to my parents' home. I had a key to my own car, my own apartment and my very own office. I was trusted with keys to my office building as well as keys to the apartment of the girlfriend at the time. One of my favorite keys was my key to my home AA clubhouse, Live and Let Live. In my head, all of these keys showed a certain level of responsibility on my part and that their were plenty of people out there in the world that people trusted me.

When I started to turn away from AA, and think I could control my own life, those keys slowly started to disappear. When Robin and I broke up, I (of course) gave that key back to her. When I lost my job with the university, I had to give those keys back to the cranky HR lady. With no job, that meant I was going to have to move back in with my parents... so I had to give that apartment key back. At that point, I managed to be lucky enough to keep my car keys. But, I wound up eventually having to lose car keys as well. The only key that I've never lost or had to give up was the key to my parents' home, or what has been the key to MY home numerous times. I'm incredibly blessed and that just shows how my parents have never ever given up on me... and that's a whole other blog topic!

At one point in my sobriety, I had been trusted with the title of a trusted servant to my home clubhouse. Besides chairing meetings, I was in charge of making sure that we were appropriately stocked with various supplies. When I relapsed, I (of course) had to give up that position to someone who had the appropriate period of sobriety to be trusted with the job. However, LLL never asked me to give my key to the clubhouse up. I willingly, in an attempt to be hurtful, gave them the key back. It was my way of saying "I'm done with LLL and I'm certainly done with AA!" While I continued to go back to LLL for a few years after that incident, I was truly never the same. I had betrayed the trust of my home group and people who had become a second family to me. Even worse, I had built an imaginary wall in between me and LLL, making it to where they couldn't reach out to me and I couldn't reach out for them. Eventually, I told my sponsor that I needed a break from AA. I told him I didn't want to drink, but I knew in my heart that wasn't true... and I'm pretty sure he knew that, too.

My story continued to get a lot darker before it got better. While my family never left my side, I continued to lose/quit jobs and make handfuls of other really bad decisions. It was nearly one year ago when I finally found that bottom before I finally turned everything over and decided to take the next right step. Within 11 months, I feel like I've made a complete 180 and am finally moving forwards rather than backwards. I'm re-establishing relationships that I let grow stagnant as well as creating NEW relationships with some pretty amazing people. I have a phenomenal job. I am someone who is rebuilding the reputation of being someone who is reliable and trustworthy. To top all of that off... my key ring is full again. This month, I am entrusted with chairing the Thursday night meeting at LLL. Even if it is temporary, I've been given another chance with the key to the clubhouse. This means more to me than they might realize. To me, it symbolizes that dark moment where I turned my back on LLL and on AA is closed and in the past.

More importantly than even that, is I've gained that key of willingness. In the 12 and 12, it says that this program is only possible if we "pick up the key of willingness." They key is to a door that, once opened, opens us up to a world of endless possibilities. If I can just stay open to the idea that just MAYBE these people of AA know what they are talking about and be willing to do what they say, it only gets better. I'm the poster child of that. Because of this program my schedule is full. My heart is full. My key ring is DEFINITELY full, but there's always room for more...

TWO MONTHS!

So, more often than not, my desire to go to LLL on a Thursday night gets outvoted. When it DOESN'T get outvoted, usually something pops up - a "mandatory" community meeting, special guest speaker or something as simple as the driver changed his mind and decided to go to somewhere else (usually an NA meeting). Last week, we wound up not going because Jonas got SUPER sick before it was time to leave for the meeting. I mean, come on, I'm not THAT heartless to where I throw a fit because a man is too sick to drive me across town to the meeting of my choice?!

It has actually helped me understand and accept the fact that I don't always get what I want. It's SO much easier to just go with the flow or "flip over and float," than get all worked up and pissed off that things aren't going my way. Keeping that somewhat positive attitude towards it all helps that when things DO go my way, I'm extra appreciative and grateful.

Jonas started promising me on Wednesday night that we would go to the LLL meeting on Thursday. I smiled, said "awesome!" and nodded my head in agreement. Internally, I was choosing to have that "I'll believe it when I see it" stance. Throughout Thursday, it seemed as if things kept falling into place that were going to make it NOT happen... just as I predicted. He told us to be ready by 6:30, I was ready by 6:15. I went to the office and was given a note from Jonathan saying that it was going to be closer to 6:45-6:50 before he'd be able to leave. A-HA! I KNEW IT! I was going to be right once again. But lo and behold, at around 6:50 Jonas whipped around the corner and picked us up with not a second to spare.

Roger, one of the other guys on the bus called out to me and was telling me how he had never seen Jonas push the limits like that before when it came to legal driving skills and potentially tip-toeing over the speed limit. "He just kept saying that he made a PROMISE to you and that he wasn't going to break it again!" I couldn't help but have the warm fuzzies on the inside, Jonas was working his tail off to make sure that I got a chance to go to my home group, and I hadn't even had the opportunity to tell him the reason as to why I wanted to go so bad (this week especially). Last Sunday was actually my TWO MONTH-iversary of being sober. We remember from LAST month that I didn't get my chip in an actual meeting, so I was REALLY hoping I'd get to for this month.

The meeting was great, I got to see a lot of my people: Phillip, Charlie, Jerry, Shannon and Spencer. It was an awesome FULL house. The meeting was over the eighth step. I was even able to share! Jonas called on me! I talked about how, even though I was on the fourth step, I had worked an eight before. This time around was different because I was starting to see people that were on my fourth step list before, but that they are no longer there. I was hopeful that this meant that I was taking much more responsibility for my actions and NOT holding resentments against people for them... That being said, just because they are no longer on my fourth step list, doesn't mean they disappear from my eighth step list as well. It doesn't change the fact that I have wronged these people and need to make my amends. At "halftime," I even managed to get my chip! A couple of days late, but hey, it's the thought that counts. I said that I was only able to do it with the help of God, my friends and family, my sponsor and the awesome guys at FIRSTEP.

I'd say I was in a pretty good mood on the way back home, I know I definitely expressed my thanks to Jonas. I said THANK YOU to him about a dozen times and bought him a big Dr. Pepper from Oncue. I know it's difficult to be around 70 guys and hear 70 different opinions or suggestions on where to go or what to do. I AM grateful that he picks mine every once and a while. I hopefully can make sure that I'm not one of those little whiney punks that complains when he DOESN'T pick mine...