Yeah, yeah, I know... the chapter is actually titled A Vision For You, but what can I say? I'm selfish. It's all about me (duh). As you could probably guess, the chapter lays out the possibilities of a life that you can find once you put down the bottle and start working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. "You will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." I don't know about you, but I think that sounds pretty dang good, especially compared to the life that I had been living before...
But that's the kicker... was life before really all that bad?!? What a dangerous thought. Mom and I were discussing how, here recently, I will occasionally actually miss my father. It is a weird feeling, considering I don't really have much positive to say about him right now. We worked out, that what it was that I was feeling was missing what was. I missed those positive memories I had with Dad many, many years ago. Even if I were to rekindle the relationship with him now, the likelihood of me recapturing or reliving those memories would be pretty slim to none. For me, the same goes for my days of drinking. Yes, there were PLENTY of amazing memories of times that alcohol was involved that I had great times with friends and family. But, the book is totally right that it wasn't like that near the end. The end of my drinking days were dark and depressing. The Big Book says it best... "the old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past."
I could honestly write a book about "the great moments." It took a time for me to really enjoy alcohol, but once I did... man, I LOVED it. Happy hour with coworkers, "pre-gaming" before going out with friends, working the political fundraisers... there were a LOT of really good memories. But I have to play that tape the whole way through. Out of the 12 years or so of my drinking career... how many of those were actually happy? Eventually, happy memories started to become tainted with not-so-happy conclusions. But I continued to drink, thinking that "this time will be different," or "I can live those happy days again!" But it never happened. It continued to get worse. There near the end, I didn't drink to find the release from care, boredom or worry. I drank to exist. I drank to feel numb and just be able to make it through the day. I felt like I was never going to be able to live without it.
I'm over a year sober now, and just celebrated my SECOND round of sober holidays. After an amazing Christmas, I find myself filled with that attitude of gratitude. Come to think of it, I think that vision WAS for me. Because my life DOES mean something at last. This was the best Christmas in many years. While I wasn't really looking forward to waking up so early, I was looking forward to getting to come into work today. I get to do something I enjoy. I'm pretty certain the most satisfactory years of my life lie ahead. I think I'm going to continue trudging along that Road of Happy Destiny.
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