Step eleven reads "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Even though it's almost at the bottom of the list, the eleventh step was one of the first ones that I started to work as often as possible. When I can take the time to pray and/or meditate, things seem to fall into place a little easier, life becomes slightly less chaotic. Once I invite my higher power into the mix, the life that I have made so unmanageable seems to be a little more manageable. If I keep Him out and stay in my own head and purposefully seek MY will... that's when life becomes more difficult. I become irritable, restless and discontented. That's a dangerous place to be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY not some sort of Buddha/Gandhi/meditation guru. Quite the contrary. More often than not, prayer is just a simple conversation between my and God, usually in the shower or when I'm by myself. It doesn't have to be some beautifully written prayer like the Prayer of St. Francis. Meditation is a way for me to control my breathing, (hopefully) slow my thoughts down and help me decide what I need to do to stay on the beam...or make something right and put me back on that beam. For me, where prayer is a conversation with God, meditation can be a conversation with myself, or simply listening.
A thought came to me last night, while we were discussing the eleventh step in the meeting. So many of us (myself included) want that instant gratification in everything we do, prayer and meditation is no exception. I want the burning bush, an immediate answer or to be immediately calmed and at peace. It doesn't always work like that. Prayer and meditation is more like an anti-depressant. You have to take it for a while before it really starts to enter your system and change how you feel. It may take a while for my thoughts and actions to show the results of my prayer. Likewise, on the other end, if you stop taking the anti-depressant, it doesn't stop working immediately. It takes some time to work its way out of your system. If you stop praying, you won't immediately lose control and/or relapse and life gets crazy. But after a while, I bet you'd find yourself a little more irritable, restless and discontented.
I'll finish with one of my favorite prayers. It's from Thomas Merton, and while it may not be as beautifully or poetically written as St. Francis' prayer, I find it just as effective:
"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
Amen.
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