For a few days prior, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say when I finally stood behind that podium at LLL's birthday meeting. I knew I wanted to thank certain people, share certain experiences and definitely share with everyone what my life was like now. I went to sleep on Saturday night and, for whatever reason, had several continuous nightmares in which I relapsed over and over again. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I do remember feeling certain emotions. I felt anger, disappointment, confusion and definitely plenty of fear. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of knowing that this would hurt people all over again. I felt fear because I knew exactly where this was going to lead me. They were incredibly dark feelings. I knew that I wanted to share those feelings. I also wanted to share that, when I woke up, I was immediately overwhelmed with the feelings of joy and relief... it was all just a dream! I don't have to live that life anymore and I possess the tools to avoid ever having to feel those feelings after a relapse ever again.
I had a very rough draft version of what I was going to share rumbling around in my head. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as soon as they started singing and my sponsor handed me the flaming cupcake... things get a little fuzzy. I DO know that I almost lit my sleeve on fire. Luckily Shannon was paying closer attention to the candle than I was. After that, I got behind the podium and began to speak. I think I hit on some of the important parts that I wanted to share, but I know I COMPLETELY blanked on other important parts... like taking the time to thank certain people. Maybe it was for the best, because I might not have held it together as I went down the list. I also would've run the risk of accidentally leaving someone out and hurting feelings and I wanted to do ANYTHING but that. So, I decided to wrap everything up by sharing the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous with those in the crowd who weren't familiar with them. As I went line by line, I had the desire to expand on particular promises and add my own flair or flavor to them, but I wanted to keep them intact... until now:
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...
I can say that I'm truly the happiest that I have been since... probably before my parents divorced. Yeah, life is FAR from perfect, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I have more than "acceptance" or "living life on life's terms," it's something more like "be happy with life, despite life's terms" or something like that... if that even makes sense.
We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
My past is a part of who I am. Without certain events playing out the way they did, I wouldn't be exactly where I am today. I don't want to change where I am today. My past helps shape me and helps make me useful for people who have gone through or are going through the same types of situations.
We will comprehend the word serenity...
Not always easy, but becoming easier everyday. I don't feel like I'm as angry as often. If I DO get angry, I find it a lot easier to calm myself down.
And we will know peace...
I definitely want to get a STRONGER grasp on peace, but I think it's a lot better than it was before. I do struggle with anxiety, but rather than just drown it in vodka, I do know how to identify it and handle it more appropriately.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...
Kinda like I mentioned earlier, everything that I've done and all of those things that used to make me hate myself become my assets and makes me more attractive yet approachable to those who need help.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear...
I don't feel that overwhelming desire to isolate and withdraw from everything and everyone because "what can I add? I'll probably just be a nuisance." I can reach out to these guys at FIRSTEP, because I AM useful. I can try and help this understand different perspectives on step work. I can help them understand why Brent and the other staff might say or do certain things. I can be a listening ear if they need to talk. I can be a friend. I know what I have to offer. I don't feel sorry for myself because I CAN'T offer certain things or if I don't have certain things... that's just not meant to be. Why waste time on that?
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows...
While, yes, I do care for and am willing to do a lot of things for my brothers at Firstep, fellow alcoholics, friends, family and whoever... I am still selfish. This is a daily practice to try and stay out of my self and put myself out there, where I can be useful. Some days are easier or more successful than others. I can tell you one thing, no I really don't WANT to wake up early in the morning and go do stepwork with another alcoholic... but I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Of course, I would much rather sleep in. But I know my sponsor and plenty of others who would go out of their way to do those things for me. I should do that, too.
Self-seeking will slip away...
Yep. I'm not perfect, something that definitely still needs to be worked on. I do know that I try my best to not do these things for other people for dishonest reasons. I don't get out there and help or do whatever I can for some sort of praise or reward... I need to do those things because that's what good people do. I wanna be a good person.
Our whole attitude and outlook will change...
Some days yes, other days I think less than pleasant thoughts about various people, places and things that I can't control.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us...
I'm working on it. I am very comfortable around MY people. I can interact with Firsteppers, even the newer guys that I don't know yet, very casually. I talk comfortably with strangers all the time. But, if you drop me into a new situation or surrounding, I still get uncomfortable and awkward. Economic insecurity has definitely left me. I'm broke. I know I'm broke. I'm ok with being broke. People will love me despite me being broke. My bank account may be worthless, but I'M not worthless.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...
This is ultimately a goal. I still feel like I ask a lot of questions. I think I'm beginning to get that intuition, but I doubt myself. I feel like I know what to do, but I still need to turn around and ask... "is that right?" Nothing wrong with that.
We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
I am in a pretty consistent state of awe these days. What I'm doing, HOW I'm doing and where I am right now defies all logical explanation. That can only leave some sort of divine intervention. I know, I know... it sounds cheesy. I took that first step and still take it daily. I admitted that I was powerless. I continue to believe in a Higher Power that will take care of me if I do the next right thing... and my God hasn't let me down. When I don't necessarily get the answers that I want, I try my best (and sometimes succeed) that God has a bigger/better plan and allow it to be worked out... so far it has.
...
As I thought through all of these now, especially the later ones that I feel like I'm still working on, the thought kept popping into my head "progress, not perfection." I don't really have any of these down packed, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on myself. I'm actually DOING the work instead of sitting idly by or resting on my laurels or whatever. I highly doubt I'll ever get it ALL down packed and part of me doesn't really want to. There is always something new to learn, a different perspective to take into consideration, a new story to listen to. So here is to another year! December 1, 2019... be there for my SECOND sobriety birthday celebration at LLL!
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