The Keys of Willingness...

At the height of my "success," before my alcoholism really started to beat me down and the consequences started rolling in, I had a BIG keychain. PLENTY of keys. I had the key to my parents' home. I had a key to my own car, my own apartment and my very own office. I was trusted with keys to my office building as well as keys to the apartment of the girlfriend at the time. One of my favorite keys was my key to my home AA clubhouse, Live and Let Live. In my head, all of these keys showed a certain level of responsibility on my part and that their were plenty of people out there in the world that people trusted me.

When I started to turn away from AA, and think I could control my own life, those keys slowly started to disappear. When Robin and I broke up, I (of course) gave that key back to her. When I lost my job with the university, I had to give those keys back to the cranky HR lady. With no job, that meant I was going to have to move back in with my parents... so I had to give that apartment key back. At that point, I managed to be lucky enough to keep my car keys. But, I wound up eventually having to lose car keys as well. The only key that I've never lost or had to give up was the key to my parents' home, or what has been the key to MY home numerous times. I'm incredibly blessed and that just shows how my parents have never ever given up on me... and that's a whole other blog topic!

At one point in my sobriety, I had been trusted with the title of a trusted servant to my home clubhouse. Besides chairing meetings, I was in charge of making sure that we were appropriately stocked with various supplies. When I relapsed, I (of course) had to give up that position to someone who had the appropriate period of sobriety to be trusted with the job. However, LLL never asked me to give my key to the clubhouse up. I willingly, in an attempt to be hurtful, gave them the key back. It was my way of saying "I'm done with LLL and I'm certainly done with AA!" While I continued to go back to LLL for a few years after that incident, I was truly never the same. I had betrayed the trust of my home group and people who had become a second family to me. Even worse, I had built an imaginary wall in between me and LLL, making it to where they couldn't reach out to me and I couldn't reach out for them. Eventually, I told my sponsor that I needed a break from AA. I told him I didn't want to drink, but I knew in my heart that wasn't true... and I'm pretty sure he knew that, too.

My story continued to get a lot darker before it got better. While my family never left my side, I continued to lose/quit jobs and make handfuls of other really bad decisions. It was nearly one year ago when I finally found that bottom before I finally turned everything over and decided to take the next right step. Within 11 months, I feel like I've made a complete 180 and am finally moving forwards rather than backwards. I'm re-establishing relationships that I let grow stagnant as well as creating NEW relationships with some pretty amazing people. I have a phenomenal job. I am someone who is rebuilding the reputation of being someone who is reliable and trustworthy. To top all of that off... my key ring is full again. This month, I am entrusted with chairing the Thursday night meeting at LLL. Even if it is temporary, I've been given another chance with the key to the clubhouse. This means more to me than they might realize. To me, it symbolizes that dark moment where I turned my back on LLL and on AA is closed and in the past.

More importantly than even that, is I've gained that key of willingness. In the 12 and 12, it says that this program is only possible if we "pick up the key of willingness." They key is to a door that, once opened, opens us up to a world of endless possibilities. If I can just stay open to the idea that just MAYBE these people of AA know what they are talking about and be willing to do what they say, it only gets better. I'm the poster child of that. Because of this program my schedule is full. My heart is full. My key ring is DEFINITELY full, but there's always room for more...

Sober...

For the first time in a LONG time, I walked away from an AA meeting actually feeling worse. That's not supposed to happen!!! It was an overall good meeting, but one of the people who shared near the end of the meeting decided to crack an incredibly tacky and insensitive joke. To add insult to injury, after he cracked his joke, pretty much the whole room laughed. It's as if they said, "yep! we condone this type of joke and this type of behavior and we find it humorous to laugh about!" Apparently they COMPLETELY forgot the part of AA's preamble that states that we do "not wish to engage in any controversy." Seriously. I was fuming. I was proud of myself for not saying something or lashing out. I walked away. I still don't know if that was good or not, but I suppose I need to talk to my sponsor about it!

I kept trying to tell myself "principals before personalities" or that just because the guy supposedly has years of sobriety under his belt, doesn't mean that he's working a good program. He's DEFINITELY not working a program that I want to emulate. I shared my feelings with the guys I brought to the meeting, and (thankfully) they also noticed it and thought it was equally as tasteless. I shared about it with another friend, who told me "sobriety does not a good person make." Eventually I cooled off and started realizing that this guy is still sick and that this situation has little to nothing to do about me. This helped me be able to think about parts of the meeting that I DID enjoy.

The chairperson opened the meeting up as kind of a "free for all," or "share where you're at" type of meeting. He shared where he was and started talking about listening to the song "Sober" by the 90's rock/grunge band Tool. I'm quite familiar with this song, it's definitely in my collection. I've even had internal conversations about this song in my head, in regards to my sobriety. So, he continued on to mention a line of lyrics that had stirred some thoughts for him: "Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever? I just want to start this over." Besides the slightly frustrating use of a double negative, this song can definitely stir up some thoughts regarding alcoholism. I remember being smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism and hearing this song. as if it was talking to me. I don't know why I can't be sober! That internal battle of wanting to be sober, wanting to start over, but definitely wanting to drink forever. It was pretty cool to hear someone else actually bring that song up in a meeting. I wasn't alone!

What's interesting though, is that those aren't usually the lyrics that catch my attention. I've always hard this: "I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you Just enough to bring you down." So, SO true. When I'm smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism, hate is not strong enough of a word to describe how I feel about myself. I'm not worth the fight. While drinking, I've done so many horrible things to hurt those people that are the closest to me... I absolutely loathe myself. The only thing that can stop those horrible, dark thoughts about myself are to drown them in more liquor. So begins that vicious cycle. When I'm working my program and doing my best to make myself a better person, I immediately start feeling better about who I am. I'm doing what I can to correct my past and learning the ways to have a much better future. Things look bright. My future has hope. It's incredibly important for me to remember the dark feelings, so I can appreciate where I am and what I have now.