Sober...

For the first time in a LONG time, I walked away from an AA meeting actually feeling worse. That's not supposed to happen!!! It was an overall good meeting, but one of the people who shared near the end of the meeting decided to crack an incredibly tacky and insensitive joke. To add insult to injury, after he cracked his joke, pretty much the whole room laughed. It's as if they said, "yep! we condone this type of joke and this type of behavior and we find it humorous to laugh about!" Apparently they COMPLETELY forgot the part of AA's preamble that states that we do "not wish to engage in any controversy." Seriously. I was fuming. I was proud of myself for not saying something or lashing out. I walked away. I still don't know if that was good or not, but I suppose I need to talk to my sponsor about it!

I kept trying to tell myself "principals before personalities" or that just because the guy supposedly has years of sobriety under his belt, doesn't mean that he's working a good program. He's DEFINITELY not working a program that I want to emulate. I shared my feelings with the guys I brought to the meeting, and (thankfully) they also noticed it and thought it was equally as tasteless. I shared about it with another friend, who told me "sobriety does not a good person make." Eventually I cooled off and started realizing that this guy is still sick and that this situation has little to nothing to do about me. This helped me be able to think about parts of the meeting that I DID enjoy.

The chairperson opened the meeting up as kind of a "free for all," or "share where you're at" type of meeting. He shared where he was and started talking about listening to the song "Sober" by the 90's rock/grunge band Tool. I'm quite familiar with this song, it's definitely in my collection. I've even had internal conversations about this song in my head, in regards to my sobriety. So, he continued on to mention a line of lyrics that had stirred some thoughts for him: "Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever? I just want to start this over." Besides the slightly frustrating use of a double negative, this song can definitely stir up some thoughts regarding alcoholism. I remember being smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism and hearing this song. as if it was talking to me. I don't know why I can't be sober! That internal battle of wanting to be sober, wanting to start over, but definitely wanting to drink forever. It was pretty cool to hear someone else actually bring that song up in a meeting. I wasn't alone!

What's interesting though, is that those aren't usually the lyrics that catch my attention. I've always hard this: "I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you Just enough to bring you down." So, SO true. When I'm smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism, hate is not strong enough of a word to describe how I feel about myself. I'm not worth the fight. While drinking, I've done so many horrible things to hurt those people that are the closest to me... I absolutely loathe myself. The only thing that can stop those horrible, dark thoughts about myself are to drown them in more liquor. So begins that vicious cycle. When I'm working my program and doing my best to make myself a better person, I immediately start feeling better about who I am. I'm doing what I can to correct my past and learning the ways to have a much better future. Things look bright. My future has hope. It's incredibly important for me to remember the dark feelings, so I can appreciate where I am and what I have now.