Happy New Year! This should be known as the "Year of the Rehab," considering we'll be halfway through 2018 by the time I graduate from the FIRSTEP Program. How would the first six months of this year have gone, had I decided to take a different path on November 13th of last year? I can run all sorts of scenarios through my head of "what could have been," and none of them are GOOD scenarios. This is the best possible decision I could've made. It, combined with my past experiences, will position me in a place to actually make something of my life and bring some positive potential to 2018. I highly doubt I'll be some sort of multi-gazillionaire. But, even if I don't find myself with a large bank account, this program is teaching me gratitude for what I DO have. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I don't need to compare my life to other people or try and compete with my brothers on who is the "most successful." Who defines what "success" is, anyway?!
How would I define 2018 as a successful year?? I thought it would be fun to do it Letterman-style in a "TOP TEN" format. So, here it is! My "TOP TEN GOALS for 2018!"
Number ten! I am a through-and-through MOVIE buff. Everyone knows that. For crying out loud, I own over 600 DVD's. In the past few years, it seems that the majority of my budget was eaten up by purchasing certain adult beverages on a very regular basis. One luxury in my life that was sacrificed because of this was going out to see movies. I used to LOVE going to the theater and watching a movie in a dark room with a massive screen and an impressive sound system. Nothing can compare to that, I don't care what kind of equipment you have at home! I used to see at LEAST one movie a week or so. I had a massive box that I kept of all of my ticket stubs. But, when liquor nudged its way into my life, it pushed movies out of the "affordable" column. Hey, I might as well drink at home and watch a movie I already own, versus going out to the theater. Well! Not anymore! I want that to change this year!!!
Number nine! I want to go on a road trip!!! This definitely falls under the WANT category and not the NEED category, so this one might be a stretch for 2018. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant or a super-long distance. I would just love to get behind the wheel and go somewhere that's not normal. Maybe another trip to Waco with the girls? I would LOVE to get to take my favorite trip to Denver, but that's pretty dang extravagant. Hell, the road trip might be to Sulphur Springs or Tulsa or to one of those "trunk shows" that Mom and I like to go to. But, in order to take a road trip, I would definitely need...
Number eight! A car. I want a car. I NEED a car. I miss that feeling of freedom of getting behind the wheel, opening the sunroof (will I have another sunroof? who knows...) and turning on some great music and then just going for a drive. I LOVE meaningless driving. Do I want to turn left or right? Maybe I'll just go forward! That freedom of having a car is beyond comparison and I miss it ever so much! I abused that power before by using the freedom to take certain side trips and hide certain items in my vehicle. Once I'm spiritually fit enough and my credit improves enough, I want that set of keys in my hand.
Number seven! Speaking of credit... I'm really hoping that, once I'm on the right path and getting everything put back together, that I'll get on top of my bills and my CREDIT. I need to make sure that I'm working on getting it to go back UP. I know that I've had to take necessary actions that have had negative consequences on my credit. I didn't WANT to, but I had to in order to get the help I needed and start a program of recovery. I'll get back on top of the bills, my student loans and all that jazz.
Number six! After I have that graduation certificate from FIRSTEP in my hand, I need to re-start the process of finishing up my ACTUAL education. I saved all of my e-mails about the re-starting the admission process at OU so I can pick that back up when I leave here and go back out into the "real world." Hopefully, by the end of 2018, I'll finally have that diploma from OU I've been striving towards for so damn long!
Number five! Sometime shortly after my birthday, I need to start the process of looking for an actual job where I make more than $15 every two weeks. Something, hopefully with health insurance. I don't necessarily want to get a job that would be a career right NOW, but something that can help me get back on my feet and on the road to somewhat normalcy. Even though I don't graduate from the FIRSTEP program until the end of May, I think if I start about a month before, I think that should give me plenty of time to nail something down by May 29th.
Number four! I'm going to try my best to be as open and willing as possible. Life is an adventure. I want to be open to trying new foods, new activities, new foods. I want to be open and willing to do things to help other people, even if it means doing stuff that I don't necessarily WANT to do. Now, don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I'm going to become Jim Carrey's character from the movie "Yes Man," and not ever have the ability to say "no," but I definitely need to learn to say "yeah, sure!" more often...
Number three! I would love to embrace the spirit of GRATITUDE for 2018. Life as a whole seems to be so much easier when you look at it from the optimistic perspective of my glass being half full and that I am truly blessed. That means being grateful, even though I'm not a multi-gazillionaire. Be grateful for the job, for life, for sobriety and/or for family. Does this mean that I'll always be the annoyingly chipper guy that you want to kick in the shin for being so joyful? It's highly doubtful. I know I'll have bad days, I know I'll be irrationally grumpy. I'm only human. But I'm going to truly strive to be as positive as possible. That gratitude is infectious, if I'M happy... it's easier to make YOU happy.
Number two! In 2018, I want to continue to improve my relationships with friends, family and people around me. I want to remind my family of that sober John that they know and love. I want to show Megan that the John she dated for six months was kinda crummy and that I have the potential for SO much more. I want the people that I meet from here on out to have nothing but positive thoughts and opinions about my personality and my character. "That John Cloud is a REALLY good guy."
...and my NUMBER ONE goal for 2018 is, of course, continued sobriety! It will start with me making sure that I do what's necessary to "keep the plug in the jug" for today. If all goes according to plan, I'll take the next right step and try this sober thing out again tomorrow, too. Once I'll string along consecutive days of deciding that I do not want to drink, I'll eventually reach the pinnacle of ONE YEAR on November 14, 2018. Then I can continue on to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate New Year's Eve with the people I love. I'll wrap up 2018 without taking a single drop of alcohol.
In the past, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. Considering my half-attempts and laziness tends to lead to failure and falling short pretty early on. For me, failure has a tendency to fuel my self-hatred. The only way that I can stop those feelings of self-loathing is to drown them with alcohol. Thus, starting that awful circle over again. This year, however, is going to be MUCH different. These are just simple suggestions. Half-attempts aren't even going to be an option for me this year. Like I mentioned, I'm usually HOPEFUL for a new year, like "gee, I hope this year doesn't suck..." In 2018, I'm actually EXCITED for what is in store. I don't know, I just have a good feeling...
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