I took my very first drink (outside of the sip from the wine chalice at church) on the evening of my 21st birthday. My brother Matt bought me a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat Beer (or whatever it's called) and while I wanted to enjoy it and appreciate the gesture, it tasted like soggy bread. Blech. Not necessarily my cup o' tea. The following weekend, a big group of coworkers took me out to "Emerson Biggin's" for drinks, bar food and pool. My boss' wife bought me my first mixed drink, a "sex on the beach." It was considerably better, but I still just wasn't head over heels with what booze had to offer. This justified my opinion that alcohol just wasn't very good and that my 21st birthday wasn't going to be that big of a deal.
Next, one of my coworkers bought me a simple "rum and Coke." Ya know, this was a step in the right direction. It's not too bad! It tastes pretty much just like regular Coke. Still, I hadn't heard the seas part and the angels singing. It wasn't until a week or so later when my friend bought me a "vodka seven." Just simple seven up and vodka. Now, THIS is more like it!!! It was from a bar called "Tramp's" where they serve "big girl drinks," which is just basically another way of saying REALLY heavily poured drinks. More bang (and booze) for your buck. These drinks were a-ok and I soon learned that I liked the effect that these not-so-little concoctions had on my personality and my mind. It seemed like everyone else liked it too, so why not just keep on going?!
It's over 10 years later and, even in my current situation, I can look back at all of that and get the warm fuzzies. I can frequently remember when times were REALLY good and alcohol played an integral role in that part of my life...
I remember my first trip to Washington D.C. with Steve, Al, Jim and a few others. Right from the start, it involved a lot of drinking... but it was fun! There was plenty of hob-nobbing with important and "shee-shee" people, mixed in with very expensive food and very expensive alcohol that I did not have to pay for. We stayed in a very expensive hotel that I didn't have to pay for. I think there was the expectation that I was going to attend some of these seminars at the conference, but instead, I went out and played tourist and visited the cool sites of D.C. I would ride the subway and feel like a real, civilized, cultured adult rather than the introverted, awkward kid that I usually felt like at home. In the evenings, there would be after-parties or dinners that we would attend. The alcohol flowed freely, which SEEMED fun but led up to some behavior that I can look back at now and shake my head. It's definitely "tsk, tsk" worthy...
Whether it was PRIDE parade weekends, parties over at friends' apartments, dates, the SECOND trip to D.C. or the trips to San Francisco and San Diego, I have plenty of amazing memories about my early-to-mid twenties. Almost all of them contain copious amounts of alcohol. I could easily use those to glorify the act of drinking. But, before too long, the good memories started to get tainted with little "oopsie's" or unfortunate incidences where I'm taking it just a weeeee bit over the line. That moral boundary gets pushed just a skosh further out.
Minor oopsie's like letting flirtatious behavior go a little too far or getting into an argument with someone you shouldn't, but could usually be smoothed out by the next day. Then came the unfortunate incidences like an overnight stay in Payne County jail. It was ONLY for a "public intox." Not a huge deal, but still heavily frowned upon by those in the legal communities. But, even then, where was I that night after I left Stillwater? Back in the bars with my friends, brushing it off as something that was somehow the fault of the police officers on duty...
Those oopsie's and unfortunate incidences quickly disappeared and were replaced with life-changing and horrendous events that will forever change who I am as a person. My legal problems grew even LARGER. I had to hire an attorney, for crying out loud. I lost relationships with friends and family. People didn't want to be around me because my drinking had become an issue. It was destroying my health. I went to the ER numerous times and even spent the night in the hospital for "observation" for severe dehydration. I lost jobs, either directly or indirectly due to this disease. I've lost thousands upon thousands of dollars because of this. I've cost my family thousands and thousands of dollars, not to mention the countless tears that have been shed.
Little did I know, when I was enjoying that "big girl drink" at Tramp's with Kindra, that it was going to explode into this out-of-control situation...
Occasionally, my mind likes to pull up those good memories or occasions when it was "ok" for a drink to try and justify or rationalize my brain into a corner... "Oh, you want to just stay in and watch a few movies by yourself tonight? Remember when you would add some bagel bites and some Svedka to that? Now THAT is how you really need to unwind..." or "Remember when you used to hob-nob with the beautiful people? Maybe if you started some of your old behaviors, those people would return..."
If I'm going to press the play button and restart some of these old behaviors and pick up that bottle again, yeah, I MIGHT experience some good times again. But they won't be long enough. Before too long, I'll be back to where I was before FIRSTEP... or even worse. I have to play this tape all the way to the end. Much like some of my favorite indie movies, that story doesn't have a happy ending. However, I can choose to put in a different tape altogether...
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