I'll be completely honest and tell you that, since coming to FIRSTEP back in November, I'm really happy. Things seem to be going really well and the puzzle pieces are (so far) falling into place. Even if I wrack my brain thinking about it, I honestly can't produce any person/place or thing that's bothering me right now. I'd say the closest I get to feeling melancholy or down at this point, happens when I lay down at night. Bedtime is a slow process in our dorm. First, the overhead lights go off, but the TV stays on. Then, after about 30 minutes, the TV gets turned off. Finally, the last few guys finish what they're doing and get into bed. You have a minute or two of cross-dorm chatter, the occasional chuckle of laughter and then everyone succumbs to that feeling of "ah, man! Today was a day! I'm super tired!" After that, it get's super quiet very quickly as people fall asleep. I'll lay there for a bit and miss my family or my girlfriend or my dog. In the beginning, I would occasionally drift into a little bit of self-pity or mentally beat myself up over the stupid decisions I've made in the past. Luckily, even back then, I knew to get out of that mindset super quick. It can get kinda lonely in that bunk, even in a room full of 39 other guys. Eventually, my eyes start getting heavier and the hum of my fan lulls me off to sleep.
I am incredibly blessed to have a pretty big group of people cheering me on... my former boss, plenty of family, friends and my awesome girlfriend who support me and want nothing but the best for me. Then, when I got here to FIRSTEP, I gained about 70 residents and staff members who cheer me on and want me to succeed. As I go about my days, I think of all of them on a very regular basis. It's hard to feel down and alone knowing I have that sort of support system in my corner. So I've been able to chug along for the last 46 days with a fairly consistent smile on my face. My heart is full, my belly is DEFINITELY full and my mind is buzzing with a newfound confidence in the current decisions I'm making.
Yesterday was my day off and I would USUALLY poke around the campus and find a quiet spot to write or whatever. It was CRAZY cold yesterday, so that poking around was limited to mainly indoor locations. I was chatting with Ron and a few of the other guys in the kitchen, when I noticed this big FAT cardinal sitting in the bare tree outside of the chow hall. I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick pic (see above). I'm surprised that it came out so clearly, considering I took it from the other side of a really dirty window! I posted it on Facebook and Instagram and was thinking about what I had heard about what cardinals represent. I remember what Mom told our friend Kelly, after she had tragically lost her mother in an accident. She said that cardinals are said to be a messenger from "the other side." That, when a deceased loved one wants you to know that they are there, they send a cardinal. Their colors and chirps easily grab your attention and say “hey! Look at me!” Since then, I've loved the thought of being able to tell when we might have visitors from the afterlife.
So, maybe the bright fat cardinal sitting in that tree was someone coming to check in on me? One person that I think about frequently is MY Meme (not to be confused with my nieces' and nephews' Meme...aka, my mom). My Meme was my maternal grandmother and quite possibly the best person I ever met. The coincidence is not lost on me that tomorrow, the 13th, will be the 22nd anniversary of when Meme passed away from her long fight with brain cancer. Before she died, Meme was a HUGE important part of so many lives, including mine. She was bright and vibrant, just like that cardinal. I could tell SO many stories, but that is another (at least one) blog entry to itself... It made me smile and definitely warmed up my insides to think of her checking up on me and hoping that she'd be proud of the progress that I was making.
On top of that, I googled cardinals and came across this quote that applied perfectly: "Cardinals represent the warmth, the life and energy. A cardinal may symbolize the fire of life that burns within our souls, even in the darkest and coldest times. It reminds us we need to stay strong and positive throughout difficult periods in our life, just as red bird endures the cold winter days." Considering it was painfully cold outside yesterday, it applied to my life. Like I previously mentioned, I don't really consider this a DIFFICULT period... but that can change at the drop of a hat. Regardless of whether I'm riding the all-natural high of that "pink cloud" or truly struggling and white-knuckling it... it's important for me to stay strong and positive.
With all of these new thoughts and feelings swirling around in this big head of mine, I felt more support than I ever have before. I felt as if Meme (and who knows who else might have visited?!) was with me and cheering me on, telling me to keep up the good work. I left the chow hall with a huge smile on my face, a PB&J sandwich in one hand and a Diet Dr. Pepper in the other. I used my foot to nudge open the back door to the chow hall so I could head back to the dorm. As the door swung open, on the small patch of grass in front of the chow hall, had to have been at LEAST 20 bright red cardinals trying to find some lunch in the brown grass. Their search had been interrupted as they all flew off to the other side of the gravel road. It happened in this beautiful, ethereal slow motion. I stayed outside and watched them for as long as I could, but it was just too dang cold outside. I've kept my eyes open to see if I could find them since then, but they haven't turned up. Somehow, I still know that Meme is watching and giggling her cute giggle, happy to see that her grandson is finally turning his life around...
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