Freedom From Bondage...

Since coming to FIRSTEP and working with my sponsor, I've buzzed through steps one through three pretty easily. Before tackling the ominous step number four, we hit the brakes and Shannon and I agreed that we should approach the task differently this time. I know that I've done this step at LEAST twice before, but I don't want this to be like other times. I really feel like I want to come at it head-on, with both hands and feet as well... I'd even borrow hands and feet from other people if I thought that it would make a difference!

When you read the main literature for Alcoholics Anonymous (the BIG BOOK), "they" always say that you'll start to identify with passages, feel that similarity and even swear that some of these passages had even been written for you. Over the past seven years, and who knows how many umpteen times I've read that book, of course I've felt somewhat like that. I could read a certain portion or story and be like "hmm... yeah! I can definitely identify with that!" But that definitely changed the other day. Part of the reading Shannon wanted me to do before going on to actually WRITING out my fourth step was to read certain areas out of the Big Book and the 12 and 12. When reading the chapter called "Freedom From Bondage," I finally had one of those moments where I was like... "whoa. This is totally spot-on when it comes to describing me." It goes like this:

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all. I realize now that this phase of my development had been arrested by my obsession with self, and my egocentricity had reached such proportions that adjustment to anything outside my personal control was impossible for me. I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and the ones who drank as I did. It became more and more necessary to escape from myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could."

**MIND BLOWN**

I can honestly say that I haven't ever read another passage and be this wholly just... whoa. I know, that's not very eloquently spoken, but I'm not sure how to make it much more clear. It explains the lack of emotional maturity, the self-pity and it explains the fact that it stemmed from this overwhelming shame and self-hatred...

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all." - I used to get SO pissed when Mom would make statements like this. She'd say something along the lines of how I haven't really matured much past my early 20's when alcohol took hold of my life. Once again, she was very right. I can look back at it now and see that the way I handled things was so skewed and that I was way too self-involved. I may have hated myself, but I had this ego to be constantly thinking of no one else other than me...

"I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and ones who drank as I did." - Oh so very, very true. It's so PAINFULLY true. The sad thing is, it didn't stop there. My behavior, combined with that self-pity and resentment, even pushed this very small group of people who I felt understood me as far away as possible. In my (hopefully) last days of drinking, it was all alone. I was either locked away in my apartment and blinds closed with an uncomfortably large cup full of vodka in front of me or I was around people and emotionally locked away in my lies and deception. Yeah, I may be around people, but please don't ask me what's in my cup or how I'm truly feeling inside.

"It became more and more necessary to escape myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could." - I liked to rationalize the drinking. It was because I was celebrating (insert seemingly proper good news to celebrate here) or because I had a horrible day (insert appropriate rough news about relationships, jobs, life in general here). It provided enough social lubricant to get me out there amidst the public or it calmed my nerves after rough days so I could relax and unwind at home. In all honestly, I was always just ashamed of who I was becoming and hated thinking about it. "Hey, I hate myself, so you probably hate me too... maybe if I drink, I'll become more likable."

See?! I told you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up the pieces of my mind that's been blown all over the place...