Powerless Over Being Powerless...

As I entered into week TWO of school, I'm attempting to find that "new normal," figure out what exactly my schedule is supposed to be and achieve that perfect work/school/life balance. Well, I know one thing... this week was far from normal.

Monday was good, I'd say it was the closest to normal I had all week. I had a busier than usual morning, all but one of my enrollments showed up and I struggled to stay caught up with my "to do" list. I was fairly successful and I'm fairly confident that I ended the day on a pretty positive note. For the life of me, I can't even remember what I did after work other than come home and work on school stuff. That evening, I was in my own little world working on school and doing whatever the hell else I was doing and Mom and Nick were out in the living room in their own little British TV show world as well. We were all oblivious to the monster storm that was about to roll through the metro. When it arrived, it rocked and rolled but wasn't anything to be super concerned about. Heavy rains, straight-line winds, a few pop-up tornadoes here and there. However, Damon Lane and the Channel 5 news team were quite worried. They needed to consult a thesaurus to figure out new verbiage for the word "bad," because they used it... a lot.

It sure slammed the north side, up by Penn Square Mall and by my work. As it rolled south, it went just to the east of us. We were hit, but not bad. The storm was in and out within the course of a couple of hours. I was texting back and forth with a few coworkers and knew that the Northside was pretty bad, and that SOS was without power. Little did we know that this storm was going to put SOS out of commission for the REST OF THE FRIGGIN WEEK. I went back to work Tuesday morning, and each morning after that, thinking that "surely OG&E has gotten their act together and has put us back online." Nope. Nothing. I'd get on Facebook and see that all sorts of business and homes that were in the vicinity of SOS were getting their power back, only to seem like they had completely skipped by us and left us in the literal dark.

There is the part of me that was like "whee! I'm off from work!" I basically got to come back home, get into my comfy clothes, and alternate between naps and homework. Sounds pretty good to me! But then, there was the adult part of me that was like "uhhh... I would prefer to not use my PTO on something lame-ass like this." Not only was I using ALL of my PTO, I technically didn't have enough  and I wouldn't be getting paid for like 10 hours of it. Then, looking down the road, knowing the fact that I had THREE months to go and no PTO to cover myself with if something else were to occur. So the mind begins to race and wander. I begin to think things like, "well, it's okay now while I live at home... but if this were to happen NEXT year, I'd be f**ked." That then evolves into anger towards other people, places and things. I start making plans for big hefty changes and all of these things that I was going to say/do/change.

So I get stuck in this whirlwind of planning for these things that might NEVER happen (and they probably won't)... or they will... what does it matter? This falls smack dab under the category of "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." It never fails that, fairly frequently, I need to reel myself back in and tell myself STOP. LIVE FOR TODAY. FOCUS ON RIGHT NOW. You have homework, and plans tomorrow, movies to see, Megans to hang out with, Poke-waffles to make, etc.

I find it kind of ironic that, as I typed out this blog, I received a text message at 8:38PM from the director of the agency saying that power had been restored to SOS.

It's Not You, It's Me...

When we last "talked," nearly TWO months ago (sorry about that), you could probably read through the lines and see that the last post I made was more of a "pep talk" of sorts for myself more than anything. While the Crisis Center is a critically important facility that does AMAZING work with people who are in literal life-or-death situations and is staffed by people who have a special place in their heart for people who are suffering, it just wasn't a right fit for me. It takes a VERY special person to work there. The people I worked with are incredible. They definitely don't do it for the money, that's for certain. Many of them work there because they have been in similar situations and feel empathy and compassion towards these people who don't feel like they deserve to be on this earth. I also felt that empathy and compassion towards the patients, but I didn't feel like I could provide that sense of safety and security that is needed for both the patients AND my fellow employees. I feel for the management, I know it's super difficult to keep people there. Not because of something that management IS or ISN'T doing, it's just the nature of that position. People that are built to work in a facility like that are wonderful but RARE.

If I'm being honest, I think I knew from day one that it just wasn't going to work. I just wanted to make sure that I gave it a fair shot. I thought maybe there would be one day that something might snap or click or whatever... I'd wake up and be like "a-ha! I can do this!" It obviously never came. What made it difficult, though, is I got to the point where I REALLY liked the people I worked with. They were more than just people who were training me to do a job, or even just co-workers. They became friends. I got to know a lot of their stories, and they got to know mine. But I knew that they would understand, and they ultimately did understand. When I finally turned in my two weeks notice, they were sad to see me go. But, more importantly, they were excited to see what was in store for me next.

It wasn't long after I started the new position in April, that my old supervisor reached out to me and started the talks of what it would take to get me back. I felt for her, because these people were ALSO people that I cared for. They had become my family over the nine months I had worked there. It hurt to leave, but I had to... but it didn't mean I stopped caring for them or even stop caring for the agency as a whole. I still supported their cause and wanted them to succeed. It took some time to work out the boring details, but we FINALLY came to an agreement and I had several good conversations with her and the director that eased any anxiety I had about coming back. My first day back was June 17th.

So, we wrap up my first week back at the "old job" and things seem to be falling into place. Things are back to how they were back before shit really went south at the beginning of the year. I can say that I enjoy my job and I feel like I'm making a difference (hopefully). I've also started working part time for Firstep, helping out in the office. They experienced some drama that has caused them to be really understaffed, so I thought I could help. Plus, it provides a little extra cashola in the pocket. That never hurts.

I'm just over 19 months sober and don't plan on stopping any time soon. There are definitely some big life events on the horizon, I just have to make sure I stay sober and do the next right thing and those things will start happening! :-)