'Twas the season...

Welp, the blur that was the 2019 holiday season is in the rearview mirror. It may have taken literal months to prepare for it all, but it was over in what seemed like a matter of hours. I mean, it was a great season, but we get all worked up for... that? I'd like to think "huzzah! 2020 is going to be DIFFERENT!" But, that's probably not going to happen. This is just how we do it. I'm going to stress way too much and SPEND way too much, just because I want to make sure that my people are happy. I'm pretty certain they are going to do the same for me, and I definitely have plenty to be happy about...

Retirement!

I've always known how hard of a worker my mom has been. She's worked her tail off to make sure that her family has had what it needed. There have been countless times that she has put her three boys ahead of her. So, all the puzzle pieces have finally fallen into place where she can FINALLY retire. Her countdown that she has been following for well over a year has finally hit ZERO days. On December 13, we were invited up to Children's to watch Janet and the rest of the PICU crew show their appreciation for Mom's hard work. It was awesome watching all of these doctors, big wigs, and other suits recognize Mom for basically building the PICU from nothing into the big moneymaking powerhouse that it is today. I'm so friggin proud of her! We packed all of her stuff up and brought it home. She left her office for the last time on December 20 and now (hopefully!) gets to enjoy a life of a little more leisure! She definitely deserves that R&R.

Some of us STILL have to work...
Since I will probably never get to retire (maybe? maybe not? lol), I still wake up and go to work on a near-daily basis. I'm fortunate that I have a job where I actually enjoy what I do. Well, for the most part. :-) I think I've made that transition of "new guy" to just one of the guys. There are rough points, but what job doesn't have those? For the most part, those points are when I feel like I'm failing to reach the guys. But I've had plenty of good moments that remind me that you're not going to reach EVERYONE... but that I am making a difference. I look forward to continuing my education and then hopefully applying what I learn and my degree towards growing my career within this agency. That's the goal, anyway!

Winter BREAK!

December 6 was the final day of my FIRST semester of graduate school. I'm super proud of myself that I wrapped up the semester with STRAIGHT friggin A's! That's how we do this! I'm already enrolled in my classes for next semester, and it sounds like it'll be a doozy of a semester! Nine more hours of classes that involve stuff like POLICY and RESEARCH. God grant me the strength to get through the Spring and put three MORE A's on my transcript!

The Post Christmas Holi-daze

I think I started plotting out my Christmas plans, at least when it comes to presents, mid-October. I purchased my first gift around the beginning of November. We've been planning a day or so worth of "stuff" for over two months... and it's just over in the snap of a finger. BUT I'd say it was worth it. The presents that I gave out brought smiles to people's faces. People got me some pretty awesome presents this year, too. The thought, not necessarily the stuff, definitely reminds me: "hey! You're loved!" I was off from work Christmas Eve (a Tuesday) and Christmas Day (a Wednesday)... only to have to go back to work Thursday and Friday. THEN, this week, I'm off tomorrow (a Wednesday) for New Year's Day. I'm not quite sure what days are holidays, what days are weekends and what days are supposed to be work?! It all just kinda blurs together. I actually look forward to next Monday (the 6th) when life goes back to somewhat normal. THEN school starts back the following Monday (the 13th) and it's back to not having a life. I keep telling myself it'll be worth it. :-)

An Attitude of Gratitude...

TWO years. 24 Months. 104 Weeks. 730 Days. Over 17,000 Hours! Happy "Birthday" to meeeeeee!!!!!!

At any given time, in the Oklahoma City metro area, you can walk into one of the local Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouses and find a meeting being held on the topic of "gratitude." I think the number of gratitude meetings increases tenfold during the month of November, probably to coincide with Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season. Some in recovery absolutely love gratitude meetings, while others absolutely despise them. While I don't see the point in loathing the meetings, I guess I could understand their being a point in time where I would be like "meh. Don't tell me what to do. If I'm cranky, let me be cranky! I have nothing to be grateful for!" Fortunately, I'm not in one of those moods right now, nor have I been in quite some time! Life has been just one big steaming pile of change here lately, but it's all good. It's not easy, but it's good. Plus, by the time November comes around, I have PLENTY to be grateful for...

Work, work work!
Shortly after Labor Day, it started to become pretty impossible to ignore the fact that I needed to start looking elsewhere for work. I needed a bump in pay, since I'll be moving out in March. I also needed to find a job that had a little more flexibility with the hours, since I'll start working on practicum hours this summer. For those reasons, and a few others, I started the job hunt once again. It didn't take too long before some potentials popped up. Within a few weeks, I had a job offer from DHS... AND a job offer from Men's Firstep as their new program coordinator. Although the position with DHS definitely paid more, my heart told me to take the position with Firstep. I turned in my resignation and started working full time for OKC Metro Alliance (Firstep) on October 21, 2019.

We're three weeks in and I absolutely love it. I get to work directly with the guys and help them maneuver through the program and they help me on a daily basis by reminding me what it was like to be a client/resident of Firstep. You're either one of those clients that is HUNGRY for sobriety, willing to do anything you can to get it or you're not. The only difference between where I was and where I am now is that I need to work with those "not" clients and meet them where they are. I can't make them WANT sobriety, but I can show them that it is achievable and it has some pretty kick-ass results.

School Daze
So there obviously has been something keeping me pretty occupied for the last two months (since I haven't written anything in that time) and you would be a PRETTY good guesser if you said that the prime culprit of what gobbles up my time is SCHOOL. I was enrolled in nine hours (three classes) this first semester. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but... damn. Between work, school and "other (everything else in life), it takes some pretty creative juggling to make it all jive. Overall, I'd say I'm moderately successful. I have work down and I can definitely fit school in there, but it is satisfying that "other" category that is proving to be a bitch. I just don't have enough time in the day! There's "me" time, relationship time, sobriety time, family time... all of that. Ugh. I'm workin' on it.

ANYWAYS... school is going great. I absolutely love my classes and I feel like I'm learning a LOT. They aren't wasting your time with any filler classes, they are just going straight for the juicy stuff. They are teaching us EXACTLY what we need to do to get our license and get out there and WORK! The subject matter, while challenging, is exactly what I love. The work is difficult and time-consuming, but it makes me think "man, I KNOW that I'm going into the right field" on a daily basis. This first semester is nearing the end, and it looks QUITE possible that I'll make straight A's. I just have to keep up the work until December 6!

If all of those puzzle pieces fall perfectly into place over the next two years, I'm really hoping that the "school" part of life and the "work" part of life just kind of meld together. I really hope that I can take my degree and I apply it to working with Metro Alliance and I can just kind of continue to "grow up" within this organization and stay here after graduation. That's the ideal situation anyway...

It's the Holiday Season (hoop-de-do and dickery dock...)
...and don't forget to hang up your sock! Sorry, I didn't mean to spontaneously start typing Christmas lyrics, but I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!!! Despite the mindless rigmarole of daily life, I absolutely love the holiday season. Especially now that I'm in somewhat of a position to be able to afford SOME sort of presents for my family. Even with the frustration/confusion of the who's, what's, when's and where's, it usually has a tendency to work itself out. Thanksgiving will be new this year, I'll be going up to Tulsa with Megan and having turkey day with her fam. I'll be off on Black Friday, but I doubt I do a whole bunch of anything special. Christmas Eve will consist of the "normal" holiday get-together with my fam. I think we're having it at Denise's... which was fun last year. Meg and I might have a little surprise up our sleeves. Christmas Day is also the usual, presents and breakfast in the morning and then I'll go see a movie with Ma and Nicky. What will we see? Who knows. I'm going to try and push for "1917." I haven't even gotten far enough to think about what in the world new year's includes... But I know everything will work out! I know I'm not super wealthy and life isn't PERFECT, but this is definitely where that "gratitude" month starts playing into everything. We (or I) have it pretty damn awesome, especially compared to the rest of the world. It's DEFINITELY amazing compared to how I was or where I was this time two years ago. This brings me to the next topic...

It's my Birthday (and I'll cry if I want to?)
By this time on November 13, 2017, the proverbial shit had already hit the fan and I was (probably?) laying on a cot at the Public Inebriate Alternative (aka the Drunk Tank) in Oklahoma City. My emotions spanned the entire spectrum from indifference to anger to giving up and finally to complete surrender. I'm fortunate that I had a family that was still willing to come and pick me up, even after the endless amounts of shit that I had pulled. We had a brief and stern, yet compassionate conversation when we got home. Then we went to bed, not knowing what the future would bring.

I was fortunate to have a girlfriend that didn't run for the hills when she found out that I had been keeping a not-so-little secret from her for about six months. These people stood by my side and helped me take the next steps from TRC and then on to long-term treatment at Firstep. Six months of ups and downs and struggles and victories. "Graduating" from Firstep and going back out into the "real world." Rebuilding my life. Working. Going back to school. GRADUATING school. Going BACK to school. Making the return to Firstep as staff instead of a client. All of it was possible because of brutal honesty with a police officer who decided to show me a little bit of mercy and turn right down one street instead of turning left onto another. Then I decided to keep my promise to Officer Loggins and I didn't pick up a drink on the 14th. I kept fighting and started to string days together.

Honestly, day 730 doesn't really feel a whole lot different than day 700. I'm excited and I'm proud, but this is life now. This is the new "normal." Parts of that old life still pop up every once in a while, but I have the tools to know how to handle them appropriately. Those tools help me get through day 730. I might even get a day 731...

The Christmas That Wasn't...

I apologize for the dramatic title, but it's true. But, before you get bent out of shape, let me explain what I meant...

We've molded together some simple, yet important holiday traditions throughout my lifetime. December rolls around and there is the annual Christmas light tour. It usually consists of Mom and me, but sometimes Nick decides to join in on the holiday fun, hopping in the car to grab some hot cocoa and see how people (beautifully or totally tacky) decorate the outsides of their homes. Both "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" AND "A Christmas Story" have to be watched at LEAST once by the end of December 25th. This year has worked out a bit differently, and neither of these happened. I did have a chance to go look at Christmas lights in Chickasha with the guys of FIRSTEP, but it just didn't feel right. Also, I had the two ultimate holiday movies, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't think either of these things would feel right without MY people around.

On Christmas Eve, we have THE important gathering of the season. Usually held at my house (aka the parents' house), everyone gets together and partakes in the stuffing of our faces with not-so-traditional Christmas foods. Your family has turkey and dressing. OUR family has stromboli and various snacks and goodies. Once we're miserably full, we sit around and talk and whatever while the kids play. It's not a Cuomo holiday unless a fun pseudo-argument breaks out about some silly issue like when Hannukah begins. After a while, we watch as the kids open up their presents and play around before everyone has to get home before Santa.

This year, I had to work in the office most of Christmas Eve. It was a blessing in disguise, that kept me busy since I didn't get to go home. In the morning, the office was abuzz with people coming in to add their names to the church list and the regular dispensing of medicines. However, it was a little bit busier than usual. On top of the lists and the medicines, we had the staff handing out Christmas presents to the residents who had kids AND the eligible residents checking out on their 24-hour Christmas passes AND people checking in for visitation. Lots and lots of people in a tiny space makes for a hectic morning! I took a little break around 1:00PM when Megan and Turtle BOTH came to visit me. It was awesome. :-) Technically, I should've been "off" at 1:00 but the two other ROD's were out on their passes, so I came back to help in the evening. My Christmas Eve wrapped up at about 9:00PM as I walked back to the dorm and called it a night.

Christmas Day has become so relaxed and downright decadent, I love it. We get to sleep in, which after a crazy Christmas Eve, is usually necessary. As we begin to stir, the parents make their coffee. I start to drink that super-amazing-rich chocolate milk. We dive headfirst into our stockings and then go by the usual ceremony of opening our gifts. We eat a VERY tasty breakfast of eggs, peppered bacon and cinnamon rolls. We lounge around for a bit before eventually getting cleaned up and heading to the Warren Theater for a movie. If we're LUCKY, something is playing in one of the director's suites. After the movie, we return to the super strenuous (not) activity of lounging around before we fall asleep to the happiness of another successful Christmas.

THIS year, I woke up to a nearly empty dorm. Most of the dorm was out on pass, only four or five other guys remained behind for various reasons. In the chow hall, Jonas fixed a variety of tasty things for breakfast...eggs, pancakes, biscuits and sausage gravy (technically it was "shit on a shingle") and was also hard at work to fix us a traditional Christmas dinner. By the time an early Christmas dinner was ready, about 20 or so of the guys had returned from their pass and they ALL jumped on the turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, etc. as if they had never seen food before. Mom and Nick weren't there yet and I was honestly concerned that it would be all gone by the time they got there! I had to take pre-emptive action to save the last three dinner rolls. Despite my previous worries, there was still plenty of food. Instead of fancy china, we had our Christmas dinner on metal lunch trays. It was still pretty darn tasty and very filling. Mom and Nick stayed for a nice visit and dropped off plenty of Christmas snacks that was leftover from the Cuomo Christmas Eve celebration the night before.

After the parents left, I went up to the office to help out some more. As soon as Kenneth returned, he let me go back to the dorm for the rest of the day. I relaxed and got settled in before dinner, which was basically "fend for yourself." While most people had sandwiches and stuff, I reheated some leftover stromboli and I received PLENTY of jealous looks from my dorm-mates. After dinner, a gentleman named Steve was nice enough to take time out of his Christmas to bring us a meeting. When that wrapped up, we all made the brisk track (it was cold!) to our dorms... tired after a happy and sober Christmas.

So, this was FAR from the "usual" Christmas season. When I first learned that I wasn't going to be able to make it home for Christmas Eve or Day, I went into full-on pout mode. I could kinda understand the reasoning behind the decision to not let me go home, but I thought that they could've bent the rules a wee little bit. I've had nearly a month to come to grips with the decision and move on from it. Would I RATHER have had the option of having my "traditional" Christmas versus the FIRSTEP version? Of course. But FIRSTEP is helping me achieve something that I couldn't achieve for myself and that is hope that a lifetime of long-term sobriety is an actual possibility. It's helping me ensure that there will be many more happy Christmases in the future. I foresee plenty of Christmas lights, peppered bacon, chocolate milk and lounging around with my FAMILY. So, in essence, this definitely could be considered the "Christmas that wasn't." But, looking back at it now, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing...

Home...

As a fat and angsty teenager, I identified with this one particular scene in the movie "Garden State." Natalie Portman and Zach Braff talk about how "even though you have someplace where you can put your shit, the idea of home is gone. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist." Looking back at that time, I'm not exactly sure WHY I felt like that... maybe it was "cool" to feel like you have that disconnect. It's difficult to maintain legitimate angsty-ness if you turn around and admit to people that you still feel at home... who even says they actually "like their family?!?!"

The older that I got, the clearer my goal became: to move far, far away from Oklahoma City. I was going to live the big city life, I was going to have culture, I was going to be COOL and I was going to be accepted. That was just the thing, I wasn't sure of who I was and I was afraid that once I found out for sure, that people were going to reject me. It was a pretty safe bet because, where I felt like I belonged and what I felt was an integral part of my identity was not something that was very widely accepted in my part of the country. So, even though they were about as accepting as possible, my family and my home were lumped into that category with everyone else and I just had to get away.

In February of 2012, I finally made the big jump. Well... not BIG...but just across the river to Dallas. It was big enough and distant enough to make me feel like I was being independent. BUT it was also close enough where I could still come home on a fairly regular basis to see my family. I got established with a job that paid fairly decently as well as a place of my own. I made some new friends as well as a new serious-ish relationship. However, it didn't take long for me to realize that this wasn't for me. I liked... no, loved Oklahoma far more than I realized. Not only did I love my family, but I even liked and enjoyed them. The move to Dallas was short. My life pretty much imploded in on itself and I moved back to Oklahoma City in November of the same year. I never looked back. I don't regret the time there because it gave me a true appreciation for my home. 

Fast forward FIVE years later... this will be the first year that I'm away from my home for Christmas. I'm actually going to miss being in a house crammed full of family and kiddos, enjoying the loud and crazy times. I'll miss that tradition of enjoying a quiet(er) Christmas morning with the parents and my paranoid bulldog. Our roles were usually reversed, usually, it's the kid that wakes the parents up. Mom and Nick would make Emma mark until it woke me up. We'd do stockings, presents and a gluttonous breakfast. Eventually, we'd get cleaned up and make the trek over to the Warren and see our annual movie. I'm DEFINITELY going to miss that.

This year will be an interesting break in the tradition. Since I can't come home for Christmas day, Mom and Nick are actually going to come out to see me at FIRSTEP. Apparently, they fix a pretty dang good holiday meal and families are welcome to join. Sadly, Emma will have to stay at home LOL. I'm hopeful and set on the idea that this, however, will NOT become a tradition. This will be the last time that I will have to miss Christmas under these circumstances. I understand their reasoning for keeping me here since I will be just short of the 30-day minimum required for a pass when the 25th rolls around. This is part of the process that is going to ensure that, even though I'm missing just ONE Christmas for this purpose, that it is going to help me succeed in having MANY happy and sober Christmases to come.

I hope THEY are ready. I've made a promise to Mom, Megan and Nick that I'm going to be so annoyingly cheerful and Christmas-y next year that they'll probably get tired of me. I'm going to take advantage of ALL that the season has to offer. I hope that I'll be in the position financially to provide Christmas gifts for people, but even if I can't... I definitely know now and appreciate the fact that Christmas is more than just the gifts (corny, I know) and that I know EXACTLY where my home is...