Home...

As a fat and angsty teenager, I identified with this one particular scene in the movie "Garden State." Natalie Portman and Zach Braff talk about how "even though you have someplace where you can put your shit, the idea of home is gone. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist." Looking back at that time, I'm not exactly sure WHY I felt like that... maybe it was "cool" to feel like you have that disconnect. It's difficult to maintain legitimate angsty-ness if you turn around and admit to people that you still feel at home... who even says they actually "like their family?!?!"

The older that I got, the clearer my goal became: to move far, far away from Oklahoma City. I was going to live the big city life, I was going to have culture, I was going to be COOL and I was going to be accepted. That was just the thing, I wasn't sure of who I was and I was afraid that once I found out for sure, that people were going to reject me. It was a pretty safe bet because, where I felt like I belonged and what I felt was an integral part of my identity was not something that was very widely accepted in my part of the country. So, even though they were about as accepting as possible, my family and my home were lumped into that category with everyone else and I just had to get away.

In February of 2012, I finally made the big jump. Well... not BIG...but just across the river to Dallas. It was big enough and distant enough to make me feel like I was being independent. BUT it was also close enough where I could still come home on a fairly regular basis to see my family. I got established with a job that paid fairly decently as well as a place of my own. I made some new friends as well as a new serious-ish relationship. However, it didn't take long for me to realize that this wasn't for me. I liked... no, loved Oklahoma far more than I realized. Not only did I love my family, but I even liked and enjoyed them. The move to Dallas was short. My life pretty much imploded in on itself and I moved back to Oklahoma City in November of the same year. I never looked back. I don't regret the time there because it gave me a true appreciation for my home. 

Fast forward FIVE years later... this will be the first year that I'm away from my home for Christmas. I'm actually going to miss being in a house crammed full of family and kiddos, enjoying the loud and crazy times. I'll miss that tradition of enjoying a quiet(er) Christmas morning with the parents and my paranoid bulldog. Our roles were usually reversed, usually, it's the kid that wakes the parents up. Mom and Nick would make Emma mark until it woke me up. We'd do stockings, presents and a gluttonous breakfast. Eventually, we'd get cleaned up and make the trek over to the Warren and see our annual movie. I'm DEFINITELY going to miss that.

This year will be an interesting break in the tradition. Since I can't come home for Christmas day, Mom and Nick are actually going to come out to see me at FIRSTEP. Apparently, they fix a pretty dang good holiday meal and families are welcome to join. Sadly, Emma will have to stay at home LOL. I'm hopeful and set on the idea that this, however, will NOT become a tradition. This will be the last time that I will have to miss Christmas under these circumstances. I understand their reasoning for keeping me here since I will be just short of the 30-day minimum required for a pass when the 25th rolls around. This is part of the process that is going to ensure that, even though I'm missing just ONE Christmas for this purpose, that it is going to help me succeed in having MANY happy and sober Christmases to come.

I hope THEY are ready. I've made a promise to Mom, Megan and Nick that I'm going to be so annoyingly cheerful and Christmas-y next year that they'll probably get tired of me. I'm going to take advantage of ALL that the season has to offer. I hope that I'll be in the position financially to provide Christmas gifts for people, but even if I can't... I definitely know now and appreciate the fact that Christmas is more than just the gifts (corny, I know) and that I know EXACTLY where my home is...