The Christmas That Wasn't...

I apologize for the dramatic title, but it's true. But, before you get bent out of shape, let me explain what I meant...

We've molded together some simple, yet important holiday traditions throughout my lifetime. December rolls around and there is the annual Christmas light tour. It usually consists of Mom and me, but sometimes Nick decides to join in on the holiday fun, hopping in the car to grab some hot cocoa and see how people (beautifully or totally tacky) decorate the outsides of their homes. Both "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" AND "A Christmas Story" have to be watched at LEAST once by the end of December 25th. This year has worked out a bit differently, and neither of these happened. I did have a chance to go look at Christmas lights in Chickasha with the guys of FIRSTEP, but it just didn't feel right. Also, I had the two ultimate holiday movies, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't think either of these things would feel right without MY people around.

On Christmas Eve, we have THE important gathering of the season. Usually held at my house (aka the parents' house), everyone gets together and partakes in the stuffing of our faces with not-so-traditional Christmas foods. Your family has turkey and dressing. OUR family has stromboli and various snacks and goodies. Once we're miserably full, we sit around and talk and whatever while the kids play. It's not a Cuomo holiday unless a fun pseudo-argument breaks out about some silly issue like when Hannukah begins. After a while, we watch as the kids open up their presents and play around before everyone has to get home before Santa.

This year, I had to work in the office most of Christmas Eve. It was a blessing in disguise, that kept me busy since I didn't get to go home. In the morning, the office was abuzz with people coming in to add their names to the church list and the regular dispensing of medicines. However, it was a little bit busier than usual. On top of the lists and the medicines, we had the staff handing out Christmas presents to the residents who had kids AND the eligible residents checking out on their 24-hour Christmas passes AND people checking in for visitation. Lots and lots of people in a tiny space makes for a hectic morning! I took a little break around 1:00PM when Megan and Turtle BOTH came to visit me. It was awesome. :-) Technically, I should've been "off" at 1:00 but the two other ROD's were out on their passes, so I came back to help in the evening. My Christmas Eve wrapped up at about 9:00PM as I walked back to the dorm and called it a night.

Christmas Day has become so relaxed and downright decadent, I love it. We get to sleep in, which after a crazy Christmas Eve, is usually necessary. As we begin to stir, the parents make their coffee. I start to drink that super-amazing-rich chocolate milk. We dive headfirst into our stockings and then go by the usual ceremony of opening our gifts. We eat a VERY tasty breakfast of eggs, peppered bacon and cinnamon rolls. We lounge around for a bit before eventually getting cleaned up and heading to the Warren Theater for a movie. If we're LUCKY, something is playing in one of the director's suites. After the movie, we return to the super strenuous (not) activity of lounging around before we fall asleep to the happiness of another successful Christmas.

THIS year, I woke up to a nearly empty dorm. Most of the dorm was out on pass, only four or five other guys remained behind for various reasons. In the chow hall, Jonas fixed a variety of tasty things for breakfast...eggs, pancakes, biscuits and sausage gravy (technically it was "shit on a shingle") and was also hard at work to fix us a traditional Christmas dinner. By the time an early Christmas dinner was ready, about 20 or so of the guys had returned from their pass and they ALL jumped on the turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, etc. as if they had never seen food before. Mom and Nick weren't there yet and I was honestly concerned that it would be all gone by the time they got there! I had to take pre-emptive action to save the last three dinner rolls. Despite my previous worries, there was still plenty of food. Instead of fancy china, we had our Christmas dinner on metal lunch trays. It was still pretty darn tasty and very filling. Mom and Nick stayed for a nice visit and dropped off plenty of Christmas snacks that was leftover from the Cuomo Christmas Eve celebration the night before.

After the parents left, I went up to the office to help out some more. As soon as Kenneth returned, he let me go back to the dorm for the rest of the day. I relaxed and got settled in before dinner, which was basically "fend for yourself." While most people had sandwiches and stuff, I reheated some leftover stromboli and I received PLENTY of jealous looks from my dorm-mates. After dinner, a gentleman named Steve was nice enough to take time out of his Christmas to bring us a meeting. When that wrapped up, we all made the brisk track (it was cold!) to our dorms... tired after a happy and sober Christmas.

So, this was FAR from the "usual" Christmas season. When I first learned that I wasn't going to be able to make it home for Christmas Eve or Day, I went into full-on pout mode. I could kinda understand the reasoning behind the decision to not let me go home, but I thought that they could've bent the rules a wee little bit. I've had nearly a month to come to grips with the decision and move on from it. Would I RATHER have had the option of having my "traditional" Christmas versus the FIRSTEP version? Of course. But FIRSTEP is helping me achieve something that I couldn't achieve for myself and that is hope that a lifetime of long-term sobriety is an actual possibility. It's helping me ensure that there will be many more happy Christmases in the future. I foresee plenty of Christmas lights, peppered bacon, chocolate milk and lounging around with my FAMILY. So, in essence, this definitely could be considered the "Christmas that wasn't." But, looking back at it now, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing...

Home...

As a fat and angsty teenager, I identified with this one particular scene in the movie "Garden State." Natalie Portman and Zach Braff talk about how "even though you have someplace where you can put your shit, the idea of home is gone. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist." Looking back at that time, I'm not exactly sure WHY I felt like that... maybe it was "cool" to feel like you have that disconnect. It's difficult to maintain legitimate angsty-ness if you turn around and admit to people that you still feel at home... who even says they actually "like their family?!?!"

The older that I got, the clearer my goal became: to move far, far away from Oklahoma City. I was going to live the big city life, I was going to have culture, I was going to be COOL and I was going to be accepted. That was just the thing, I wasn't sure of who I was and I was afraid that once I found out for sure, that people were going to reject me. It was a pretty safe bet because, where I felt like I belonged and what I felt was an integral part of my identity was not something that was very widely accepted in my part of the country. So, even though they were about as accepting as possible, my family and my home were lumped into that category with everyone else and I just had to get away.

In February of 2012, I finally made the big jump. Well... not BIG...but just across the river to Dallas. It was big enough and distant enough to make me feel like I was being independent. BUT it was also close enough where I could still come home on a fairly regular basis to see my family. I got established with a job that paid fairly decently as well as a place of my own. I made some new friends as well as a new serious-ish relationship. However, it didn't take long for me to realize that this wasn't for me. I liked... no, loved Oklahoma far more than I realized. Not only did I love my family, but I even liked and enjoyed them. The move to Dallas was short. My life pretty much imploded in on itself and I moved back to Oklahoma City in November of the same year. I never looked back. I don't regret the time there because it gave me a true appreciation for my home. 

Fast forward FIVE years later... this will be the first year that I'm away from my home for Christmas. I'm actually going to miss being in a house crammed full of family and kiddos, enjoying the loud and crazy times. I'll miss that tradition of enjoying a quiet(er) Christmas morning with the parents and my paranoid bulldog. Our roles were usually reversed, usually, it's the kid that wakes the parents up. Mom and Nick would make Emma mark until it woke me up. We'd do stockings, presents and a gluttonous breakfast. Eventually, we'd get cleaned up and make the trek over to the Warren and see our annual movie. I'm DEFINITELY going to miss that.

This year will be an interesting break in the tradition. Since I can't come home for Christmas day, Mom and Nick are actually going to come out to see me at FIRSTEP. Apparently, they fix a pretty dang good holiday meal and families are welcome to join. Sadly, Emma will have to stay at home LOL. I'm hopeful and set on the idea that this, however, will NOT become a tradition. This will be the last time that I will have to miss Christmas under these circumstances. I understand their reasoning for keeping me here since I will be just short of the 30-day minimum required for a pass when the 25th rolls around. This is part of the process that is going to ensure that, even though I'm missing just ONE Christmas for this purpose, that it is going to help me succeed in having MANY happy and sober Christmases to come.

I hope THEY are ready. I've made a promise to Mom, Megan and Nick that I'm going to be so annoyingly cheerful and Christmas-y next year that they'll probably get tired of me. I'm going to take advantage of ALL that the season has to offer. I hope that I'll be in the position financially to provide Christmas gifts for people, but even if I can't... I definitely know now and appreciate the fact that Christmas is more than just the gifts (corny, I know) and that I know EXACTLY where my home is...