2019: Year In Review...

I'd say 2019 was a year of EPIC growth and change on my behalf, and I'm not just talking about my weight!! (bahh dum tss!) In January 2019, I plugged myself back into school and managed to FINALLY achieve that college degree. I wasted no time and applied for graduate school, with the intention of graduating with my MSW by December 2021. I continued to move forward with my career: I started off the year with my position at SOS, made a temporary jump to the Oklahoma County Crisis Center, BACK to SOS and then wrapped up the year as a brand new case manager with Men's Firstep. I worked towards the goal of moving back out "on my own" sometime in 2020... that goal is becoming more and more clear. My relationships and friendships continue to flourish. Most importantly, I reached my TWO year sobriety point in November, and will (if all goes as planned) be ringing in the new year completely sober for the third year in a row! So, let's take a lookie at my top ten list that I created back in January and see how I did?!

10. MOVIES! I wanted to see more movies in the actual theater, and I'd say this was a massive success! Megan and I just the AMC Stubs A-list at the beginning of the year. By the end of the year, Megan and I have seen 42... yes, that's right, FORTY TWO movies. I'm gonna do a post on those movies later, but I saw some pretty dang good ones and some absolutely horrendous movies. All in all, thought, it was worth it and a total good time!

9. Road trip. Eh. Not quite. We made it to Lawton, which is hardly a vacation destination. We drove through the Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge, which was very... refuge-y? Didn't really see a whole lot. We made a quick drive through the quaint little town of Medicine Park. We would've explored it a little more, except it was the same weekend as a MASSIVE Jeep rally that literally took up the whole town. We did get to stop and see Megan's Granddad. We also watched the entire third season of Stranger Things lol.

8. Becoming a better blogger. Eh. Not so much. But it's totally justified! Once I got back into school, it seems like I'm constantly writing at LEAST one paper. Stopping and writing a blog post seems kinda like wasting time, although I know that it helps get the rest of the junk out of my head and clear the way for somewhat thoughtful papers.

7. Schedule clarity. Yeah, no. I think this one actually might've gone backwards. BUT I think it is also totally justified. I did add a thing or two to my schedule, that wasn't there at the beginning of 2019. I think I just need to find that sense of acceptance that my schedule is going to be borderline chaos and just try to do the best I can... but grant myself from grace when stuff goes haywire from time to time!

6. Focusing on the world "out there." This one was kind of vague, but an ideal goal to have. I do have to set quite a large amount of time aside for me... trying to juggle work, school and my sobriety. But I do need to set aside time for others, be there for other people, be aware of the world around me. Pay attention to what is going on. Note the little things to be grateful for. 

5. Improving my health. Yup. That one didn't happen. There's always 2020. 

4. Improving my sense of patience. I'd say I'm getting better. It makes sense that everything is going to happen, but none of it seems to be happening anytime soon. Everything has some sort of timeline to it. I need to do my taxes, but I can't do them right now. I'd like to find a place of my own, but I can't really right now. I want to go on vacation, but I can't...well, you get the point. Also, I'd say I'm getting better at being patient with the sense that we don't always get the answer we want. If I could count, in the last 2 years, the number of times that I got an answer that I didn't originally want, only to find out the answer I DID get was exponentially better than anything I expected... it'd be a pretty dang big number. A big part in that, though, is your response and how you react to getting that original "no" or answer that you don't want.

3. Continued job growth. Mission accomplished! I jumped around a bit in 2019, but ultimately landed in a position or within an agency that I am fairly confident could grow into an actual career and not just a job. I'm excited to see what happens in 2020!

2. Continuing my education. Definitely mission accomplished! My first degree hangs on the wall in my office... and I'll have degree number two in a matter of two short years!

1. Staying sober. TOTAL mission accomplished. I didn't have to take one single drink in 2019. I won't lie and say that the temptations and urges weren't there occasionally, but this program has given me the tools to handle those and know how to stay sober. I'm pretty positive I'm going to stay sober today. I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too! 

2018: A Year In Review...

Despite crashing and burning in late 2017, I made some huge positive strides towards bettering my life before year's end. When I rung in 2018, I was rounding that corner. The world didn't seem so bleak, I wasn't SUCH a complete dirtbag and I might actually be able to accomplish some of these things that I set my mind out to finish. The thoughts started rummaging around in my head of "well, what DO you want to accomplish in 2018? Of course you want to graduate from Firstep... but then what?" While sitting in a crowded FIRSTEP office, I put some thought into what were the TOP 10 things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year...

10.) In 2018, I made a resolution to see more movies actually in the theater.
... Well, that really didn't come together. After graduating in May, I think I saw MAYBE five or six movies in the theater? And three of those were within these last two weeks! So, not as successful as I would like. BUT! Both AMC and Regal have membership programs that I've looked into and I'll definitely be seeing more movies in the new year!

9.) After years of being stuck here in my own funk, I made a resolution to take road trip.
...This resolution was ACHIEVED! I even went as far to say that the possibilities of achieving this were a "stretch," especially if it was much further than Sulphur. Well, I made it further than Sulphur, but not by far. The original plan was to drive to Denver, but those plans had to change at the very last minute due to car issues. We decided to stay closer to home and make a trip to Waco and then back up to Dallas for a few days. It wasn't the trip we had hoped for, but it was a good trip nonetheless!

8.) As part of my "rebuilding John" process, I made a resolution that I would have my OWN car by year's end.
...Well, with my very own 2013 Ford C-Max, this resolution was ACHIEVED! With some financial miracles and the help of two amazing parents. I have the keys to a rather nice car that are jingling around in my pocket as we speak. For this, I am very grateful.

7.) Working on my credit.
...Once I got on my feet, the financial situation was fairly dire. I had actually even looked into the possibility of filing for bankruptcy and just wiping the slate clean. For me, it just didn't feel right. Luckily, the debt management company I had worked with prior to Firstep had contacted me at JUST the right time and I have decided to work with them again rather than file for bankruptcy. Over the next 30 months, I'll be paying back everything and hopefully building that credit up to not-so-sucky levels.

6.) Working on finishing up my education.
...Once I finally felt "settled" in my job, I reached back out to OU. I wanted to finish up my bachelor's (finally) and then the goal is to ultimately go on to get my master's in social work. The first part of that goal is closer to being achieved... I start classes on January 14th. By May, I will (hopefully) be a college graduate! The next part of the goal is to pretty immediately start back to school in August. No rest for the wicked!

5.) Getting another job.
...Done and done! I remember feeling so hopeful when I wrote out my top 10 list earlier this year that I would be working for Firstep after I graduated. THAT was the perfect plan. I remember being riddled with disappointment when April and May rolled around and that just wasn't going to be in the cards. I've been with Specialized Outpatient Services for five months now, and I couldn't be much happier. The job isn't perfect, but what job is? I enjoy working with the people I work with and I get to do something that I love. It doesn't get much better than that. I would call that a definite "mission accomplished."

4.) Living a lifestyle of "willingness."
...It comes and goes, ya know? I try my best to be willing. I'd like to say that I'm living a lifestyle of willingness more often than not, but I wouldn't say I always have the best attitude about it. But I am trying! I know I have responsibilities and things I promised I would do or places that I would be... but it gets tiring sometimes. So much to do, so little time... or something like that. I have to cut myself some slack. I am doing a lot.

3.) Embracing an "attitude of gratitude."
... I'd like to say that I am a grateful person. Hopefully those people that are important to me KNOW that they are important to me and I am very grateful for what they do and who they are. Not to say that I can't continue to improve. I think everyone, myself included, could become more grateful about all of life's blessing in our day-to-day. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

2.) Improving relationships with friends, family and people around me.
...My relationships continue to grow and improve. I'm closer than ever to my parents and my family. I have a great relationship with Megan. I'm developing closer friendships with people in the program and with my coworkers. While I like my "me" time, I know that I can't (and I don't want to) do this alone. A circle of friends, family and those closest to me will help ensure that I continue to lead a happy and SOBER life.

1.) Continued sobriety!
...I'm well over 400 days sober at this point. I'd say that is a definite success! I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too. :-)

2017: The Year That Was...

When I finished up with 2016, it didn't exactly end with a "bang." It was more like a loud "THUD." Maybe you could throw in the gaspy, wheezy sounds of someone having an asthma attack or something. The START of 2016 seemed really promising. I was in my first coordinator position for the OU College of Medicine, complete with a handsome salary and my own office. However, my year was marred by a series of unfortunate choices (made by me) and the icky consequences that I faced because of them. I ENDED 2016 with a half-assed attempt to stop my self-destructive decisions and instead turned my attention to trying to put myself back together and give another "go" at a "normal life." In order to do that, the first thing that I had to do was to get back to work. Even though I applied MANY places, I came back empty-handed time and time again. Around Thanksgiving, I was finally offered a job. Although it wasn't somewhere glamorous or prominent. The only job I could manage to find was as a "sales associate" for the Dollar General Corporation of America. Oh well... better than nothing.

I started out as a coordinator for a prestigious university and ended as a cashier at a discount convenience store. If that's not a perfect example of what alcoholism and addiction can do to you, I'm not sure what is.

So, I pretty much started 2017 with a blank slate. A clean piece of paper. I was a big blob of clay ready to be molded. I'd LIKE to say that 2017 was a beacon of light in comparison to 2016 and that I became a "new man" who completely put himself back together. Sadly, the "work in progress" portion of my story wasn't over yet. Now, don't get me wrong, the year had plenty of bright spots that I am eternally grateful for, it just wasn't the year that I was hoping for when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2017.

I thought I was making positive strides at the beginning of the year when I was given the life-changing (yes, sarcasm) promotion to LEAD sales associate at Dollar General. It was more or less a managerial position, just without a real significant increase in pay or benefits or anything. I got a shiny key to the cash register and didn't have to bug managers to make "important" decisions... like whether or not Darla (or whoever) needed a receipt to make an exchange because she bought the wrong kind of deodorant.

My time in the pseudo-not-so-managerial position with the "General" was short, as I was offered an even BETTER opportunity. This one actually piqued my interest and got me excited (no, not sarcasm) about the potential. A neighbor and friend of Mom's helped get me the inside track with the Dean McGee Eye Institute working in their glaucoma clinic at the front desk. The pay was a little bit better and it offered benefits. The main thing was that it put me back in an office/clerical/administrative position where I feel the most comfortable. It was a position where I could feel like an adult, rather than working with kids at the local "DG."

DMEI was far from perfect, but I did manage to find my own little niche there. I met some amazing people and got to the point where I was pretty damn good at my job. For the most part, I loved working with patients and helping people. I was able to car-pool again with Mom. It had good benefits that helped with my prescriptions and what-not. But my attitude and mindset were in the wrong space and I was set on demonizing that place and would NOT allow myself to be happy. Had things been different, I could've easily stayed there and put myself in a spot to continue to grow there.

There near the end, I was even making strides to where I could begin to make some decisions for my life. Do I want to STAY at DMEI, attempt some sort of growth and promotion within the company? Or stay there while I go back to school? Or should I go ahead and find another career opportunity that pays better with better potential for growth? Oddly enough, life handed me what was behind "door number four" that I didn't even notice. I'm (obviously) no longer at DMEI, not going back to school (yet) and while I'm grateful for my current job, this isn't a position that will be a long-term career. So, it's door number four! It's odd to think about how that fourth door is turning out to be an odd blessing in disguise.

One of the biggest changes in my life in 2017 was the addition of this girl named Megan. We met through a harmless dating app and chatted for a little while. We had our first date in June, I took her to Hollie's (a steak place where we ate cheeseburgers.) Despite minor differences (she's a little more "country," I'm a little more "rock and roll,") we seem to be a perfect fit. We've enjoyed everything from going to the Friday Night Art Walk in the Paseo to binge-watching seasons of "The 100," "Game of Thrones," "The Walking Dead" and "Top Gear" on Netflix. Throw in Pizza Shuttle to any occasion and the two of us are more than happy. It was odd how suddenly, after a few weeks of just hanging out and spending time together, it was just like "whoa... I love this girl."

All of that happiness with Megan was before November 13th. When THAT night happened well over a month ago, she had two options she could've taken. The first option was to check out and say "no thanks, I didn't sign up for this." She would've been TOTALLY justified to make that decision. The other option was "Ok. I'm not a FAN of this situation, but I'm going to stick it through and help out." I'm SO blessed that she made that decision. Not only has she stuck by MY side, she's become so much closer and has helped my parents out as well. She's walked together WITH them through this ordeal. I look forward to graduating from here and joining them in the "real world," because I know that THEY are going to be close, and it's not just an act of "oh I'm just friendly because she's my son's girlfriend" type of situation...

Because FIRSTEP only allows people with 30+ days of residency here to leave on a pass, and Christmas Day was day 28, I didn't get to have the "traditional" Christmas at home. I had originally planned to use my FIRST pass on New Year's Day, go home to see the fam and watch the OU game. The director had different plans, apparently saying that it was a safety issue and he wanted to avoid sending the guys out there on a holiday that is predominantly known for drinking and partying. I don't necessarily agree... but part of this program is listening to people in charge and following directions. I work until 1:00PM and then will have some visitors for a bit. Later, we're supposed to run to the store and pick up some stuff for a little get-together in our dorm. It'll just be snacks, games, movies and more snacks. As long as I can get a nap in there somewhere, I'll be a happy camper. Being "open and willing" is allowing me to be somewhat excited or intrigued for another non-traditional holiday.

So, here we are, end of the road for 2017...

There are a handful of things that I wish I could've done differently, but now that I look back, I'm glad that it happened the way that it did. There were some "up's" and some total "down's," but all-in-all, I'm still alive. I feel hopeful about my future. Wait. I take that back. At the end of 2016, I felt hopeful. It was kind of a "come on, man, 2017 can't be THAT bad, right?!" As I'm winding down the last 17-ish hours of the year, I'm not only HOPEFUL... but I'm actually EXCITED. Everything is in place for a great year. I'm hopeful for the good times, I'm learning the tools to take on the not-so-good-times and I'm ready to experience everything in between...

Happy New Year!!! 

- JC -