Ben & Jerry...

No, I really wish that I was referring to "Ben & Jerry's" and that this blog entry was all about ice cream. But it's not. My life rolls on, day in and day out, and I've honestly never been happier. I'm probably the busiest I've been in recent years, but I'm totally okay with that. FIRSTEP has given me plenty of new responsibilities to keep up with, but I'm actually eager and willing to show them that I can do this and I'm willing to do my part to help keep this place up and running. I want them to remember that I'd be a really good candidate for working here once I graduate. So, I've been super busy, but super happy.

Thursday was supposed to be a relaxing day off from work, but with how I've been approaching work here lately, that meant I was still in the office. I just so happened to be in the office when I heard that Ben, a FIRSTEP client and a good friend of mine, had apparently walked away from the job site and was AWOL from the program. Sadly this is one of those things that are normal in a rehab type situation, where people up and leave and go back out to use and/or drink. I tried calling and texting Ben numerous times but to no avail. My last voicemail I just asked him to please, whether or not he wanted to come back to the program, to let me know he was okay and I told him that I loved him. In most instances, people never call back, but I've just assumed because it's easier to not have to feel that shame or guilt from leaving.

Yesterday started out like any other. It didn't take too long for it to turn pretty hectic, juggling all the tasks that come with admitting TWO new clients in the morning as well as having THREE clients unexpectedly leave the program. At one point, I was casually browsing Facebook and read a post from a friend that read "I am sad to report that Jerry O., 'aging alcoholic' passed away suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. At Jerry's request, he wished to have no formal service, but just a small family only memorial. If anyone would like to send a condolence card to his family." It was like I had just gotten punched in the gut. Jerry was a very good friend of mine that was a fellow member of LLL. Straight as an arrow, he was an elderly married man that seemed to fit in just perfectly with the rest of our crew. I'm not sure if he first found interest in me or that I found interest in him, but Jerry and I quickly became good friends, whether we were in the program or out of the program. He struggled just like I've struggled. He was SO proud of me when he heard that I was in FIRSTEP and I was happy and content here because I knew that Jerry was doing well, staying sober and attending LLL on a regular basis.
Just because we're sober, doesn't mean that life is all hunky-dory. People pass away from illness or old age. People experience pain, sorrow or loss. The only difference is, we're left without our old defenses of hiding behind the pain with a big bottle. We're left to feel all of those emotions and the waves of sadness. Luckily Bill was here because I had to excuse myself from my desk for a moment.  I cried and I cried. I put myself together for a bit and called Mom and I cried some more. I sent my sponsor a text message and then called him and we cried together. As weird as it sounds, it felt good and okay to just let all of that out. I didn't feel the need to hide or didn't feel like I wanted a drink to make this go away.
I took a deep breath and said a few prayers of thanks for getting to know Jerry and prayed for his family and the fellowship of LLL and then went back to work. A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman who identified herself as a family friend of Ben (my friend who didn't come home from work on Thursday) and she asked for me by name, I just so happened to be the one that answered the phone. She told me that they had been notified by the police that he had been found dead of an apparent overdose. Not even a full 24-hours after leaving the program and he was already gone. Again, I was punched in the gut. This was a different kind of pain. This was the pain of knowing that a friend of mine had been taken by the disease of addiction, the very disease that I'm fighting here at FIRSTEP. Whether it's alcohol or heroin, this disease wants to kill us all. Sadly, in a lot of cases, it succeeds.

When Ben was new to FIRSTEP, he was one of my very first intakes as a ROD. As I was still trying to come out of my shell, Ben was one of the first guys that I really got comfortable talking with. He wasn't one of those super-tough, butch, big burly guys that talks about trucks and guns. He was a smaller guy, kinda nerdy, well-spoken, smart and funny. He was developing his relationship with God.

He was one of the guys that I could tell was REALLY taking this whole recovery thing seriously. I never would've guessed this was in the cards. The "when, why, where and what" of it all is still a mystery and I'm okay with it staying that way. It wasn't a pleasant way to go, I don't need to know the details of it all. My friend is gone. I'm grateful that I got to know him and he was part of my journey. I just know that I'm going to pray for my brothers here at FIRSTEP who aren't quite as equipped to handle a world-shaking death like this one that hits so close to home as well as his family that definitely wasn't ready for this tragic news. I don't know what Ben has said to his family about me, but they apparently know my name and I actually just got off the phone with his Mom. Gah, that just breaks my heart.

"Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts." -- Paramahansa Yogananda

A Night At The Movies...

So, Sunday night was the 90th Academy Awards and it caused me to stop and think for a moment on the topic of movies... how important they are/were to me, how I lost that simple and harmless hobby that I truly enjoyed because of my destructive drinking and what that means for me today. There was a time that I could follow along with the Oscars because I would have watched the vast majority of the films that were nominated. Over the years, it dwindled to a point where I would watch, but I only knew about a few of the films. This year, I didn't watch the Academy Awards and I haven't seen a single one of the films that won an Oscar.

It may not sound all that important to you, but I think it's a perfect analogy of how alcohol slowly, but surely, took over all aspects of my life. It didn't just destroy the major things like my education, my work history and my health... it aimed for the tiny things too. Something as simple as going out to the movies wasn't even an option because I couldn't afford it or I didn't even have the desire to do that anymore.

Years ago, movies were by far one of the most important things in my life. I wasn't one of those kids that went to house parties on the weekends, you could find me and my friend Emily at the fancy new Harkins Theater in Bricktown. I wasn't spending my money on the hottest fashion trends, I was buying used DVD's en masse at places like Vintage Stock or FYE. I was fortunate enough to take advantage of Blockbuster before those all closed down. During the slow and painful death of video rental stores, I discovered this wonderful little website called Netflix. It not only widened my movie-watching horizons, it blew them sky-high. Needless to say, movies played a very important role in my teenage to younger adult years.

As I got older, and I discovered alcohol, not a whole lot changed... right away. There was a brief period of time where my love for drinking and my love for movies were able to coexist in peace and harmony. I was even excited to see that there was a new theater going up in Moore that had a bar actually IN the theater!! Talk about the best of both worlds!! But, just like everything else in my life, alcohol slowly but surely nudged that out of my life. As funds became more limited, I definitely chose alcohol over movies. I would watch as new movies would enter the box office and would say "yes! I totally want to see that!" But, before I would realize it, I've done nothing but drink for several weeks and the movie would already be gone. I'm watching these award shows and even find myself occasionally going "I've never even HEARD of that movie?!"

In what other areas have I done that? What else have I sacrificed or traded in for the sake of another drink? I'm afraid that it is definitely not limited to JUST my love for the movies. I've chosen to drink by myself MANY times over going and spending time with family and friends. Even the times that I was actually with my family, I know that my mind and spirit was actually either under the influence of that drink or pre-occupied with where I'm going to get the next one. Church used to be incredibly important to me. I loved my church family. For crying out loud, I even considered being an Episcopal priest there for a while. But, alcohol slowly seeped in and took that over, too. At first, it was just me showing up to church hungover (or possibly even still drunk) and before too long it was just me not showing up at all. I'm not proud of it. I'm just glad I can identify it now and hopefully avoid that in the future.

As I had mentioned in my first post for 2018, one of my top 10 things I look forward to in the new year is getting back to the movies. I see it as more than just going back to see a good flick every once and a while. It's just another step in getting back to the normal, simple, HAPPY me. Maybe, by this time next year, I'll be able to actually WATCH the Oscars and know what they're talking about...