A Fresh Start...

On the morning of November 14th, when I sat on the couch in my parent's living room with the post-it note in my hand containing FIRSTEP's phone number, I was completely broken. I was absolutely willing to try anything to finally stop hurting myself, stop hurting other people and achieve some sustained sobriety. That post-it note held the answer to my problem. I took the steps to get myself plugged back into the solution and was told to be at FIRSTEP on November 27th. I spent the next two weeks working on myself, getting over the withdrawal symptoms and then making sure all of my financial ducks were in a row before committing myself to six months of intensive self-reflection and trying to build myself up to be the best John Cloud that I can be.

As we drove up the long and rough road onto the FIRSTEP property, that resolve honestly weakened up... a lot. The little demons inside my head were working overtime on reasons to not stay or trying to be critical of anything and everything that I saw in front of me. The place was peaceful and serene, it looked like a church summer camp. But all of a sudden, you'd think I was someone who couldn't tolerate the outdoors and was used to the "finer" things in life. The road was too rough, these buildings were too shabby and...ugh... did you see that bathroom?! I completed their stack of annoying paperwork, put on their dingey scrubs and threw my neatly washed and folded clothes into the dryer for their bed-bug prevention program. Ugh. SIX MONTHS?! I'll never, ever graduate. It's going to take forever.

Luckily, the little angels in my head were a lot more stubborn and told me to stick with the program. My resolve to stay here wobbled along on its own for a few brief hours before the guys started coming home from work and they all kind of propped me up. I'm not exactly sure they would've LET me leave! I pushed back and pushed back, trying my best to be left alone. I think it was about halfway through this program before I finally gave in, put down the journal and jumped into the middle of it (to the best of my ability). Since then, that last three months have been an absolute blur.

Here we are, 18 days left in the program. I'm almost there. I've rounded that corner. I mean, a lot could happen in such a short amount of time... but the chances of me NOT graduating are slim to none.

Over the last six months, I've frequently compared myself to a loaf of bread (well, it's a good comparison... I am kinda dough-y) baking in the oven. Even when I was four months or so into the program, I was comfortable with my progress but was MORE than willing to admit that I was NOT ready to be taken out of that oven. I still had some baking to do. With less than three weeks to go, I think I'm starting to reach that level of golden-brown deliciousness that I've been working on. FIRSTEP has given me the tools I need to work a successful program from here on out, it's just up to ME to actually do the work and keep the momentum going...