A Look Back...

"Hi John!

Wow! SIX months! You ACTUALLY did it! Remember how you felt last November as your family drove away? You sat in a strange dorm in someone else's scrubs as your neatly arranged clothes were tossed into trash bags. You felt alone, scared and tempted to give into the thoughts that maybe you made the wrong decision. Well, I don't have to tell you this, but you DEFINITELY made the RIGHT decision!

You've come so far. You live an honest life, even when it isn't easy. That means having a look at yourself and your life. It also meant asking for help when you were struggling. You made sure to be honesty when you didn't understand and asked PLENTY of questions. Be sure to be thankful to people like Alex and all of those who were patient and answered your millions of questions.

Speaking of being thankful, you've truly become a man who lives a life of gratitude. You're grateful of what God has done for you in the past and the chances you've been given. You are thankful of even the smallest of blessings. Even when you were stuck with mopping the whole dorm or given chow hall duty, you were grateful of being accepted into this community of men in recovery and willing to do your part... even if it was gross or less than pleasant."

Your willingness and open-minded attitude has shown you that the program this community follows could help keep you sober. Now, here you are, SIX months later. You're sober as can be. You're as happy as you've ever been. Please stay that way. Stay honest. Stay open-minded. Stay willing. Stay grateful. Stay proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Very sincerely,
John Cloud"

Sooo... I obviously wrote this letter to myself. I wrote it last November and turned it in with my very first work packet for FIRSTEP while I was still in the "orientation" phase. I was still very, VERY new to the program. When I turned this in, I would've had a month or so of sobriety. I was on the other end of some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms, I had handled all of my financial affairs and I had jumped in head first to this new treatment thing. Life wasn't exactly "good" per se, but I was holding on to a very small glimmer of hope and I had some definite and clear goals for myself.

One of the assignments was to write a letter to myself, dated for my graduation day. "In this letter, describe how you've changed during the six months that you've been at FIRSTEP. Describe how you've worked to evolve into that person who will have done all that he has wished to do or become everything he wanted to be. I want you to fall passionately in love with the person that you describe in your letter."

I took the assignment very, very seriously (what is up with me and this "very, very" kick??). I stepped back and looked at my life and knew the areas that I wanted to improve. Honesty, gratitude, willingness and open-mindedness were all areas of my life that would have to go through BIG overhauls if I were to have any success in this program and success in long-term sobriety. I've worked the last five plus months at making those the pillars of my life. If I'm going to make it, I need to let you know how I'm really feeling. If I'm going to succeed, I need to remain grateful for what I DO have and what I HAVE accomplished. I need to learn what the RIGHT things to do and the RIGHT tools to have and, in order to do that, I have to be open-minded about what the people of AA are telling me and willing to do anything to stay sober.

I'm by NO MEANS perfect at those four things, but I'm way better at them than I was this past November...

So, I'm proud of myself for taking that assignment seriously and setting those clear and concise goals for myself. I wake up in the morning and I know what I need to work towards and what kind of man I would like to be as I continue to grow and heal in this AWESOME program...