The Next Step...

179 days, several major holidays, a college football championship, a few birthdays, a double ear infection and THREE funerals later... and my time here at FIRSTEP (as a client) is almost over. With a mere four days left before I get to stand up in front of the community and "graduate" from the program, it's crazy to look back and see that, while it doesn't SEEM like it's been that long, so much has changed and it really HAS been a long time. Some of the vestiges (oooooh, good word!) of "old John" are proving to be stubborn and aren't going away as easily and as quickly as I would like them to, but I do pretty much feel like a totally new person.

I think Tuesday night will be hard! If I manage to walk away without shedding at least a tear or two, I will be truly surprised. I asked Brent to "read me out," so he'll get up and say a few words about me and read what it says on my certificate. He smiled, I think that made him happy. As a newer client, I used to think that people always picked Jonas and no one ever seemed to pick Brent... I had decided that I was going to pick Brent, just because I thought that was the nice thing to do. Here we are, months later, and I have developed a close relationship with Brent. He has been this awesome brother/father/role model figure that I've really tried to learn from while at FIRSTEP. He has heart and feelings for these guys, but he also doesn't mess around when it comes to this program. Brent DID say something about "why don't you have Bill read you out??" Trust me, if I could have both... I totally would. Bill has definitely become my best friend/ally/brother during my time here. I know I'll definitely see plenty of both Brent and Bill after I graduate.

I do have a basic idea of what I want to say. I don't want to write anything down, because I don't want to be a robot... I want to know that it comes from the heart. I know who I need to thank, I just need to think of a great way to express my "parting thoughts" towards the guys I've lived with for the last six months. So many important things I want to express that will hopefully make the rest of their time at FIRSTEP and the rest of their lives so much better.

I'll head back home to my ACTUAL home, where my room, my Xbox and my dog are all waiting for me. I'll get to sleep in my OWN bed and not have to drown out the snores of 39 other guys with my headphones. If I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, it's just a few short steps away from my room... not on the opposite side of the building. I'll get to eat a (somewhat) wider variety of foods! I'm going to enjoy a day or two of eating what I damn well please... before buckling down and doing something like Weight Watchers to get this belly of mine under control...

My own room, my own bathroom, my dog, food, all of that stuff... those luxuries that I've been waiting six months for. Somehow, I'm still going to (honestly) miss the life that I've had here while at FIRSTEP. The structure is oddly comforting. The surroundings are peaceful. You actually get to enjoy living in a big dorm full of guys. It's difficult to feel alone and sad when you're surrounded by 70 guys all cracking dick and fart jokes all the time...

Wednesday morning, I'll wake up just like I used to BEFORE November 14th... BEFORE alcohol took over. I'll get ready and take Mom to work. After that, I'll run by the NEW JOB to start paperwork and what-not.... That's right. You heard correctly. NEW JOB. I'll be working for an organization called Specialized Outpatient Services, or "SOS" for short. They provide different services, counseling, programming and classes for people who are dealing with addiction and may or may not have a court situation that they are handling. RIGHT up my alley. I'll be an "enrollment specialist." I'll help in the office and work with new clients and help get them enrolled for the various services that they may need. I look forward to being a voice of hope for guys that are just starting to tackle this issue. Show them that "hey, not everyone involved is a harsh and judgmental voice. You're a person, too. There is a finish line to this and it DOES get better."

The actual job itself doesn't start until the first week of June. I'm CRAZY excited about the fact that it seems like that should be the next step for me to getting OTHER stuff done... like cars and school and my own place and and and... so on and so forth. I do plan on finding a way to make sure that FIRSTEP stays a part of my life. I'm currently in talks with corporate on becoming a volunteer that has permission to drive guys to meetings and other outings. I would love to stay in contact with as many of these guys as possible and become a part of the lives of the new guys that come way after me.

While at FIRSTEP, and at the end of every AA meeting in general, we cite the serenity prayer or the Lord's prayer and then shout out "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" More than ever, I believe that is oh so true. I'm workin' it and it sure is working...

A Look Back...

"Hi John!

Wow! SIX months! You ACTUALLY did it! Remember how you felt last November as your family drove away? You sat in a strange dorm in someone else's scrubs as your neatly arranged clothes were tossed into trash bags. You felt alone, scared and tempted to give into the thoughts that maybe you made the wrong decision. Well, I don't have to tell you this, but you DEFINITELY made the RIGHT decision!

You've come so far. You live an honest life, even when it isn't easy. That means having a look at yourself and your life. It also meant asking for help when you were struggling. You made sure to be honesty when you didn't understand and asked PLENTY of questions. Be sure to be thankful to people like Alex and all of those who were patient and answered your millions of questions.

Speaking of being thankful, you've truly become a man who lives a life of gratitude. You're grateful of what God has done for you in the past and the chances you've been given. You are thankful of even the smallest of blessings. Even when you were stuck with mopping the whole dorm or given chow hall duty, you were grateful of being accepted into this community of men in recovery and willing to do your part... even if it was gross or less than pleasant."

Your willingness and open-minded attitude has shown you that the program this community follows could help keep you sober. Now, here you are, SIX months later. You're sober as can be. You're as happy as you've ever been. Please stay that way. Stay honest. Stay open-minded. Stay willing. Stay grateful. Stay proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Very sincerely,
John Cloud"

Sooo... I obviously wrote this letter to myself. I wrote it last November and turned it in with my very first work packet for FIRSTEP while I was still in the "orientation" phase. I was still very, VERY new to the program. When I turned this in, I would've had a month or so of sobriety. I was on the other end of some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms, I had handled all of my financial affairs and I had jumped in head first to this new treatment thing. Life wasn't exactly "good" per se, but I was holding on to a very small glimmer of hope and I had some definite and clear goals for myself.

One of the assignments was to write a letter to myself, dated for my graduation day. "In this letter, describe how you've changed during the six months that you've been at FIRSTEP. Describe how you've worked to evolve into that person who will have done all that he has wished to do or become everything he wanted to be. I want you to fall passionately in love with the person that you describe in your letter."

I took the assignment very, very seriously (what is up with me and this "very, very" kick??). I stepped back and looked at my life and knew the areas that I wanted to improve. Honesty, gratitude, willingness and open-mindedness were all areas of my life that would have to go through BIG overhauls if I were to have any success in this program and success in long-term sobriety. I've worked the last five plus months at making those the pillars of my life. If I'm going to make it, I need to let you know how I'm really feeling. If I'm going to succeed, I need to remain grateful for what I DO have and what I HAVE accomplished. I need to learn what the RIGHT things to do and the RIGHT tools to have and, in order to do that, I have to be open-minded about what the people of AA are telling me and willing to do anything to stay sober.

I'm by NO MEANS perfect at those four things, but I'm way better at them than I was this past November...

So, I'm proud of myself for taking that assignment seriously and setting those clear and concise goals for myself. I wake up in the morning and I know what I need to work towards and what kind of man I would like to be as I continue to grow and heal in this AWESOME program...

A Fresh Start...

On the morning of November 14th, when I sat on the couch in my parent's living room with the post-it note in my hand containing FIRSTEP's phone number, I was completely broken. I was absolutely willing to try anything to finally stop hurting myself, stop hurting other people and achieve some sustained sobriety. That post-it note held the answer to my problem. I took the steps to get myself plugged back into the solution and was told to be at FIRSTEP on November 27th. I spent the next two weeks working on myself, getting over the withdrawal symptoms and then making sure all of my financial ducks were in a row before committing myself to six months of intensive self-reflection and trying to build myself up to be the best John Cloud that I can be.

As we drove up the long and rough road onto the FIRSTEP property, that resolve honestly weakened up... a lot. The little demons inside my head were working overtime on reasons to not stay or trying to be critical of anything and everything that I saw in front of me. The place was peaceful and serene, it looked like a church summer camp. But all of a sudden, you'd think I was someone who couldn't tolerate the outdoors and was used to the "finer" things in life. The road was too rough, these buildings were too shabby and...ugh... did you see that bathroom?! I completed their stack of annoying paperwork, put on their dingey scrubs and threw my neatly washed and folded clothes into the dryer for their bed-bug prevention program. Ugh. SIX MONTHS?! I'll never, ever graduate. It's going to take forever.

Luckily, the little angels in my head were a lot more stubborn and told me to stick with the program. My resolve to stay here wobbled along on its own for a few brief hours before the guys started coming home from work and they all kind of propped me up. I'm not exactly sure they would've LET me leave! I pushed back and pushed back, trying my best to be left alone. I think it was about halfway through this program before I finally gave in, put down the journal and jumped into the middle of it (to the best of my ability). Since then, that last three months have been an absolute blur.

Here we are, 18 days left in the program. I'm almost there. I've rounded that corner. I mean, a lot could happen in such a short amount of time... but the chances of me NOT graduating are slim to none.

Over the last six months, I've frequently compared myself to a loaf of bread (well, it's a good comparison... I am kinda dough-y) baking in the oven. Even when I was four months or so into the program, I was comfortable with my progress but was MORE than willing to admit that I was NOT ready to be taken out of that oven. I still had some baking to do. With less than three weeks to go, I think I'm starting to reach that level of golden-brown deliciousness that I've been working on. FIRSTEP has given me the tools I need to work a successful program from here on out, it's just up to ME to actually do the work and keep the momentum going...

Compliance vs. Surrender...

"Compliance" is defined as "a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way." To me, compliance is cold and sterile. Compliance is discussed when it comes to policies, procedures and laws. Kind of heartless. Job sites are expected to be in compliance with safety standards. When you get behind the wheel of a car, you are expected to be in compliance with proper insurance and licensing to show that you are allowed to drive that vehicle.

"Surrender" is defined as "to yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession on demand or under duress." It sounds pretty similar to "compliance," right? Well, just to make sure, I looked up the meaning of duress and it means "compulsion by threat or force." So, someone surrenders after they really have no choice. The Japanese surrendered in World War II after the US bombed two of their cities with nuclear bombs, killing potentially hundreds of thousands of civilians. They realized that they could make the decision... surrender now or be bombed back into the stone age. To me, surrender has a much more emotional feeling. Like the picture above shows, people usually only surrender when they've been beaten down and have no other choice. "Please, for the love of God, MAKE IT STOP!"

When it comes to my alcoholism, I can either be in compliance with doing the little tasks, squeaking by with the absolute minimum on what it takes to keep me sober or I can completely surrender myself to the fact that I am completely powerless over alcohol and my life is totally unmanageable on my own. For the past seven years, I have to be honest and admit that I've lived my life in that compliance category. That is definitely what has caused me to fail, over and over again. I haven't put any HEART or feeling into my sobriety. I've just tried to squeak by with that absolute minimum. I'd be giving as little fuel as possible, but would still scratch my head in confusion when the fire would die out. "Wait. How in the world did I wind up in this situation... again?"

This time around, I know that I had to throw all of myself into this program. That meant body AND soul. I had to make myself physically, mentally and spiritually available. It meant taking me WAY outside of my comfort zone and jumping into something completely new and foreign. Nearly six months later and this new way of thinking has proven to be pretty successful. Not only am I physically sober, I consider myself spiritually sober as well. I am in a great space in mind and body. I'm FIVE DAYS AWAY from celebrating six months of sustained sobriety. I've continuously surprised myself with what I've been able to do for the last few months. I'm proud of myself. Yes, you heard that right. Me. I'm proud of myself. Sheesh. Who knew?

But, I know that it's not over. If anything, it's actually just starting. In 20 short days, I'll be leaving the safety behind the gates of FIRSTEP and that world is out there waiting for me. Byron's is waiting. But so are the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going to rest on my laurels and say "I've got this" like I've said in the past. I know that I have to make that right choice and keep myself out there. I'm actually EXCITED about what opportunities and LIFE waits for me on May 30th...

I CAN DO THIS!