2023...

With young Jack nestled into his crib, and Clarice all cozy under our comforter... Megan and I climbed into bed long before midnight. We barely made it until the ball dropped in Times Square before we zonked out and called it a year. We woke up briefly to the sounds of "happy new year" text messages from random friends and family... we leaned over, gave each other a new year peck and passed back out. Even though we were supposed to wake up at 5:30 (trying to get back into our old schedules), I enabled us to sleep in for just a bit longer. As we got up to start our day, 01/01/23 didn't feel a whole lot different than the last 90 days before it. So, how is 2023 going to be different than 2022? That decision is solely up to me. Here are some of the things, in no particular order, that I would like to happen in the new year. I won't call 'em resolutions per se, maybe goals or inspirations. In 2023, I want...

to be a more diligent writer...

This year, I'm going to renew my dedication to pay more attention to my writing. That (hopefully) means more blog entries as well as utilizing my handy dandy journal more often. It's a super nice journal, that (so far) I've only used to write about our honeymoon adventures in Georgia. I've always felt that writing via pen and paper has always "meant" more. It takes time to write that way and you have to be more intentional with your writing. You can't just hit the "delete" button. So, there should be more of that intentional writing in 2023.

to take at least ONE road trip...

Life with an infant and a pug will complicate things, but absolutely nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. Where might we go? Dallas? Denver? A return to Georgia? Megan's inaugural visit to Utah. Shortly after Dad passed away, I started knocking around the idea of renting one of those smaller RV's. I could pack up my fam and my dog, and hit the road. I think that would be a blast. That might take a little more planning and strategizing, so I might have to set my sights a little lower first. Dallas? Houston? Denver?

to lose some WEIGHT...

I have given excuses for faaaarrrrr too long. First it was "meh, I'm school" and then it was "meh, my wife is pregnant." Now I'm no longer in school and my wife is no longer pregnant and I feel so gross. My goal is to lose like 95 pounds before the end of the year, that's like 8 pounds a month. That is SUPER achievable, if I can just stay disciplined and focused.

to take advantage of my time at work to LEARN...

January 18th will mark my one-year anniversary with Northcare. I've been a therapist nearly that whole time. A little over a week before my anniversary, I'll start my new position within NC as an outpatient team lead. I'll still get to work as a therapist, but part of my job will now be providing clinical supervision for a team of therapists, case managers and peer recovery support specialists. Before I started working at NC, I told myself that I was just going to view my time with the agency as an extension of school. While I'm under supervision, I need to take these opportunities to learn and take in all the experiences. This new position just opens additional doors and learning opportunities.

to enjoy my time with my family and friends...

Work can be rough. It's mentally and emotionally draining. It can be difficult to NOT bring some of that home. I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that I'm appropriately managing my time. Work is work, but my time is MY time. I'm going to reward myself by enjoying time with my wife, my son, my family, my pug, and those closest to me.

Those sound like some pretty good goals? Inspirations? Here's to 2023. May the odds be ever in my favor...

A John By Any Other Name...

"Who is John Cloud?" You might as well throw that question up there with "what is the meaning of life?" You might've had an idea on who you thought John Cloud was (or is) and you might've come fairly close to an accurate answer, but I've struggled with it for years and years. It has taken me 37 years to start to put together my answer, and still, that answer probably changes depending on the day. During the time that I struggled to get a strong grip on sobriety, I think that is one of the questions that plagued me. Who am I? Where do I fit in? How do I contribute to society? With five years of sobriety now under my belt, I have come to an acceptance... not because I have an answer, but a sense of an acceptance that I DON'T have a solid answer. A sense of acceptance because I don't necessarily need an answer. As 2021 came to an end, and 2022 came barreling through, I've realized that I can be lots of things.

John, the son

One of my oldest titles. For years, my selfishness caused me to neglect this title. While it is still a work in progress, I can say that I have a strong relationship with my parents. They love me and I would like to think that they are actually proud of me. 2022 threw me a curveball that I never thought would happen, and brought my father back into my bubble. In April, we weren't sure he was going to make it, after being hospitalized due to complications with his diabetes. Dad and I reconnected while he was still in the hospital and I even visited him a couple of times when he got back home. The relationship still had a LOT of work that needed to be done, but that work was cut short when he unexpectedly died in October. I do have some regrets when it comes to my relationship with him, but I'm at peace with where we were and I hope he passed knowing that his son John loved him. Losing him makes me appreciate and love my parents even more, knowing that time isn't promised. I will be the best son I can possibly be to them for as long as I possibly can.

John, the brother

That other title that has stuck around with me for 37 years. Another title that I pushed aside. Relationships are difficult and I wasn't willing to put in the work. When I felt they got TOO difficult, I said "nope" and walked away. My relationships with Matt and Adam slowly started to come back together at the end of 2021. I was so glad that they came to my wedding. I was so glad that we could be there for each other, in whatever way possible, when we lost Dad. As a new father, I've looked to them in a whole new light and hope that I can be the type of father to Jack as they are to their kids. I'm excited to see where my relationships and friendships with my siblings continues to grow.

John, the husband

Wait... husband?! Did you get MARRIED?! Yeah. After years of inconsequential relationships followed by years and YEARS of thinking "nah, I don't need a relationship," my relationship with Megan took that next step. We tied the knot on December 19, 2021. Since Monday will be complicated with other life responsibilities, Megan and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary this weekend. We stayed at the Waterford (where we spent our wedding night), ate a fancy dinner (Red Rock), and wrapped up with Starby's and looking at Christmas lights. I never thought of myself as "marriage material," but I can't think of anyone I'd rather do this life with than Megan. From a cute little couple, to a cute little married couple, then cute dog parents, and finally cute ACTUAL parents... we're just pretty damn cute.

John, the father

As the previous post mentioned, Jack Shannon Cloud was born on 10/3 shortly after 4:00PM. He's only been around for a little over two months and has been nothing but a blessing. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of challenges... Megan and I have pretty much no free time and our sleep schedule is kind of wonky... but overall, it's been amazing. He's starting to find his voice and make his own little personality. He wiggles and moves. He's very food motivated and absolutely loves getting his diaper changed. He makes a great addition to our FIRST child... Clarice Cloud. In the Summer, we decided to add a little pug puppy to our family. Clarice is just a big ball of energy that somehow also manages to be a huge snuggle bug. She's definitely a daddy's girl, but she loves her momma too. She has been cautiously curious about Jack. Anytime Jack gets upset, Clarice gets upset too and makes sure that either Megan or myself are going quickly to do something about it. With Clarice and Jack, Megan and I have a pretty perfect little family of our very own. 

John, the friend

As an introvert, I'm someone who values "me" time. I don't do big groups super well, and I'm not someone who feels like I need to be super sociable ALL the time. I have a small group of close friends, and I'm super content with that. Not only do I have a wife who is supportive of my friendships, my friends usually wind up loving her just as much as they've loved me over the years. I try to keep in pretty regular contact with people, and try to meet up for food or fun every so often. I love my little group of friends and feel supported and loved by my "chosen" family.

John, the professional

As of January 2022, I was able to start adding the designation of "LMSW" to my signatures. I have been a therapist with a community mental health agency here in OKC for ALMOST a year. I started out working on a team that specialized on working with individuals who are coming out of the hospital post-suicide attempts or experiencing suicidal thoughts. Come January, our team is merging with the rest of outpatient services and a couple of other teams, and creating a "new and improved" outpatient services using the small teams model. Each team consists of a team lead, therapists, case managers and peer support specialists. I was actually chosen to be a clinical team lead for one of those small teams. I'm excited and also intimidated AF. I'm confident in my team as well as super supported by my leadership. I'm almost a year into supervision to obtain my LCSW as well. When I first started at this agency, my plan was to get my supervision hours and test into my LCSW... and immediately jump into another opportunity. But this agency obviously has a lot of faith in me and is offering me opportunities to succeed and grow, so I might just stay put. :-) 

John, the alcoholic

All these other titles seem to have positive spins to them... so why end on such a Debbie downer?! The thing is, I don't see my identifying as an alcoholic as a negative thing anymore. As of November 14, I have five years of sobriety under my belt. The help and direction I've been given over those five years are absolutely the only reason I've been able to grow as a son, brother, husband, father, and professional. If it wasn't for the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, a loving H.P., and a phenomenal sponsor... I would still be at the bottom of a bottle.

This was my attempt to play catch-up on all of the fast-paced and seemingly ever-changing parts of my world. My goal for 2023 (isn't it always?) is to be more active on here and keep things updated as well as write on things that don't necessarily consist of "these are the things going on in my life right now." Over 37 years of life, I can safely say that 2022 was probably my favorite. I'm maybe one of the few people in the world who doesn't dread what the upcoming year consists of. Even if 2023 does come with challenges, I am blessed to have a pretty amazing circle of people surrounding me (and a great career supporting me) that I think we can take on anything life has to throw at us. So, here's to 2023!

-JC-

Jack Shannon Cloud...

Growing up, my ideas about what a father was supposed to be didn't seem to match up with what society was telling me. After Dad skipped town when I was 7, he left Mom holding the bags to raise three young boys, basically all on her own. While still reeling from the fact that she was newly divorced, she didn't have time to catch her breath before she knew she had to be Mom AND Dad... and I will fight ANYONE who tries to tell me that she didn't do an amazing job at filling both of those roles. 

So, my ideas about what a father was supposed to look like didn't really look much different than what a mother looked like. A father was caring, compassionate, soft when they were supposed to be and tough when they were supposed to be. They were a protector, a provider and ultimately a teacher. As young humans, we learn primarily by watching and imitating others. We watch our parents and imitate what they are doing, and hopefully that is in sync with what society would consider a "good person." Using descriptors like "soft" or "compassionate" when describing a parent and people will probably guess you're talking about a mom instead of talking about a dad.

My idea of a father didn't consist of those stereotypical "dad" things like teaching your child how to play sports, to shave, to change the oil in your car, how to talk to a girl or share your first beer. I had other men in my life, like my brothers or my uncles that stepped up and showed me a lot of those things, but I imagine it feels different coming from "dad." Even after Mom married Nick, who has always been an amazing father-figure, I thought to myself that even Nick isn't like that stereotypical dad figure. An older man, he had already been through the years of teaching kids to play sports and he never even owned a car until he got to Oklahoma. 

Jack Shannon Cloud is due to arrive in about three months. I'll have a boy of my own, someone who is going to look up to me as their father. I'll be Dad. Sometimes I feel like I'm being thrust into this role and I wasn't given any sort of instruction manual. People are incredibly supportive. My family is great. Megan is amazing. I have had more pep talks and "you'll be a great dad" than I think I can handle. It feels good to know that other people believe in me. Maybe, if I fake it until I make it, I'll believe in myself.

Please don't mistake this post as a "I don't want a child," because I do. I am so incredibly excited for Jack. I already love him so much. On those rough days at work, I think of him. I'm doing this for my kid. I'm working my tail off to create a life that makes it possible for us to have a happy and comfortable family. It's just nerves I guess. One of those things that I'm totally clueless on and just praying for the best. I pray that I do whatever I need to do and Jack grows up to be a good man who loves his father and will have positive memories about his Dad long after I'm gone.  

37 and feelin' fine...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

Unlike 25, I just didn't feel like celebrating 27. There was no longer any doubt (in my mind or the minds of many others) that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. In the last days of 26, life had continued to devolve for me in Oklahoma City, so I had made the decision to run from all my problems and relocate to Dallas. So, 27 was my first birthday ever to be away from my family. Although I was in a fairly toxic relationship at the time, I do give him credit for trying to make my birthday as special as could be. He made some pretty tasty pirate-themed cupcakes and held a "party" with the only people I really knew, my coworkers at Bread Winners. So he tried to make it special, but it definitely didn't work. I was a mere 6 months away from one of the darkest periods of my life. 

If you would've told me that, in 10 years, that I would be back home in the OKC Metro... I would have my MSW... that I would be a practicing therapist... that I would be a husband (married to a woman, at that)... that I would be expecting my first child... that I would be starting to talk to my father again... that my brothers actually liked me... that my family was actually proud of me... that life would actually be amazing... I would've laughed at you. I probably would've cried uncontrollably and drowned the sorrow in some vodka later, but I would've started out laughing.

Flash forward to today...

I've been a therapist at Northcare for a little over 90 days now. It's definitely a tough job, but I'm very appreciative of it. I'm grateful to my coworkers and supervisors within the Rapid Response Team. I'm learning so much and get to experience clinical supervision for my LCSW from one of the Vice Presidents of the agency. This isn't exactly the picture I had painted in my head of what being a social worker would look like, but I know that I'm going to be SO MUCH better because of my experiences here. 

Megan and I have been married for a little over 4 months now. Life has definitely been an exciting adventure, with plenty of ups and downs, but I think that we're proving to be a pretty epic team. We briefly attempted to buy our first home, but threw in the towel quickly. The market is just waaaayyy too volatile right now, and we just can't compete. So, it may be a rental, but we'll be moving to our third home in a few months. Shortly after we got back from our honeymoon, Megs and I found out that she was already pregnant with our first little one. Preliminary tests have pointed towards us having a little boy, but we're waiting until the ultrasound confirmation to really start planning that one out. So, this October, we will become a family of three!

Within the last week, Matt had reached out to me and the rest of the family to let us know that my father had been hospitalized with a suspected stroke. While it turned out to NOT be a stroke, his blood sugar was astronomically high and the likelihood that there is extensive damage is pretty certain. I decided to swallow a BUNCH of pride, move aside some of the hurt and anger, and visit my dad the day that he had gotten moved to the longterm rehab facility. My primary motivations are to be there for my brother as he been shouldered with a lot of the responsibility on making important decisions, but I felt like it couldn't hurt to make contact and show that I'm "there" for my dad too. It's kinda like "don't worry about what you did to your youngest son, you have MUCH bigger health-related fish to fry right now. Well, you probably shouldn't even be eating fried food right now... so maybe you should grill those fish."

Megan and I started the day out with a delicious and nutritious breakfast of Fruity Pebbles. We got cleaned up and went and visited with Mom and Nick for a bit. We relaxed for the rest of the afternoon, until we hopped in the car with Megan's Mom and Granny and went to an Oklahoma City Dodgers game. We enjoyed some tasty burgers and hot dogs. Almost an entire section of complete and total strangers sang happy birthday to me... and the Dodgers won! To wrap up the evening, we made a stop for some ice cream and then we called it a night! Overall, a pretty awesome day! 

In summary, 36 was pretty damn amazing. Lots and lots and LOTS of change and growth. Sometimes life feels like I have one too many plates up in there spinning, but it seems like it's all good stuff at least. If we continue on this trek, it'll be interesting to review all what happened to 37-year-old John.

The Community Meeting...

The men of Firstep gather in the chow hall every Tuesday night for their "community meeting." It's where we share important news, correct what needs to be corrected, hold each other accountable, congratulate guys as they graduate from the program and celebrate other things that deserve to be celebrated. It is where the meat of the work is done in this therapeutic community. Since 2017, I've attended a LOT of community meetings as a resident of this program. Starting in 2019, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend even MORE community meetings as a case manager and member of the management team. I have a feeling that I'll be attending plenty more community meetings, but after this week, it won't be as a staff member.

No matter how rough or out of control they may get, I've always enjoyed the community meetings. You get to see these men in their natural element. Guys who may have a good grasp on recovery helping those that might need some nudges in the right direction. The words that always come to mind are "rough around the edges" or "imperfect." Some of the guys were excited for my news and congratulatory, and other guys couldn't have cared less... and that's totally okay. This is their world, THEIR recovery, and I'm just a small piece of it. These guys are in various stages of their recovery. Some of them appear to "have it," and can go on to lead happy, sober lives. Other guys, sadly, aren't quite there yet. They may have one or two (or three) more relapses in them, and hopefully they will find that bottom soon... and decide to give recovery another shot.  While the meeting goes through the motions, other guys aren't exactly paying attention. They talk to each other, try to share jokes or jabs with each other quietly. It's kind of like kids in church, the behavior might not be perfect, but I'm just glad that they are there.

The crowd is diverse. The community has guys who come from wealthy families and guys who don't have two pennies to rub together. All races, religious backgrounds, sexual orientations and everything else you can think of. They are all there for one common disease: addiction.

The most powerful point in the community meeting is always the Lord's Prayer at the end. People who start the prayer more reverently will shout out something like "WHO KEEPS US CLEAN AND SOBER?" Others will joke around and say something like "who puts the fuzz on the peaches and the sand on the beaches?" My favorite was always "who sees you naked in the shower every day?" LOL. The guys "circle up," hold hands (or bump fists) and recite the prayer together. Much like the rest of the meeting (and the guys reciting it), the prayer is imperfect. Some guys are a word or two behind the others. Some goof around while reciting it... but at least they are still reciting it. The message is there. God, please help us do YOUR will and not our own. Please keep me strong and sustain me to do the work you have called me to do. Please forgive us if we falter and help us forgive those who have wronged us. Protect us against the dangers of temptation and relapse. The prayer ends in a resounding AMEN. Some guys will wrap it up with "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" Which it does. It totally does. I always liked ending that last part with "it sucks if you don't!"

I can't help but think to myself, "I'm going to miss this place." But part of me knows that I'll never be far from the men of Firstep. No matter what my title is - LCSW, son, brother, uncle, husband, dad (someday)... one of the titles I will always be proud of is "Firstep graduate."

The City of Savannah, a Reflection...

At a first glance, Savannah is much like any other metro area. It has sprawling highways filled with bad drivers, shopping malls, and even this new restaurant called "Chili's." But from the moment we arrived Tuesday afternoon, I got this unmistakable vibe that something about this place was just... different. To me, It almost seemed as there were several sides to Savannah. There was the part that was trying to be this stereotypical modern city with all the amenities that would appeal to a 21st century citizen. Another part was a city desperately trying to hold on to the vestiges of this pristine, historic place. The last part was this historic city, but with the REAL history of some of the dark and disturbing things that happened even before the Revolutionary and Civil Wars.

One of the first things that we did in Savannah was walk through the sprawling (and gorgeous, albeit sad) Bonaventure Cemetery. From that point on, I realized that this city is pretty much OBSESSED with death. From the Revolutionary War, the busiest slave port in the south, the Civil War, and several epidemics of Yellow Fever... the city has seen plenty of death.  Huge cemeteries, ghost tours, and haunted EVERYTHING. You look at these beautiful and stately homes all around the city and then find out that most of them are haunted, and have some sort of horrific tale of someone dying a grisly death within the walls of the home.

While the owning of slaves was originally banned within Savannah city limits, the powers-that-be quickly changed their minds in order to keep up with bigger, more successful cities like Charleston and New Orleans. The beauty and extravagance you see in Savannah was built on the backs of slaves. Yet many of the historical locations in the city completely glaze over the fact that slaves were even part of the city's history. At one point, more slaves were brought in through Savannah's port than any other place in the south. The cobblestone streets near the river is called "Factor's Walk" and would've been one of the main paths where these slaves had to take to get to wherever they were to be sold. When Megan and I walked along the river, we noticed these stone "vaults" lining the cobblestone streets. Historical markers mentioned that they were for the storing of goods, but completely jumped over what TYPE of goods. It isn't until I talked to some of the locals that I found out that the vaults were meant for storing slaves until they were sold.

One of the museums we visited was the Owens-Thomas House & Slave Quarters. It went into detail on how a wealthy family would've lived during that time, but also went into great detail on what the slaves who were owned by that family would've gone through as well. I noticed that the exhibits and displays on slaves were only added into the museum in 2018, so some places are starting to realize that they need to share the WHOLE history... not just the "pretty" part of it.

I enjoyed the fact that Savannah was very arts-centric. So much so, that it seemed like every other building in the downtown area was another building for classes or residence halls for the Savannah College of Arts & Design. Historical jail? SCAD. Hospital? SCAD. Beautiful mansion? SCAD. Vintage theater? SCAD. Are you seeing the trend here? I remember when I visited New Orleans, being overwhelmed by the vibe that I just wanted to find a balcony somewhere and write or draw or just CREATE something. While we were in Savannah, our hotel room was right off this beautiful balcony that overlooked Broughton Street. I took plenty of opportunities to sit out on the balcony with my journal.

The movie nerd in me LOVED being in a place where I know that many of my favorite movies were filmed. We walked through Chippewa Square, where the famous bench scenes were filmed for "Forrest Gump." Of course, Savannah is known for being the primary setting for "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." We were able to see the outside of the infamous Mercer House, Bonaventure Cemetery and the famous "Bird Girl" sculpture (pictured above), all which were made famous partially because of that film. Our tour guide for the hearse tour also told us that a new "Exorcist" trilogy was being filmed in Savannah as well!

Other than a few bumps in the road, we thoroughly enjoyed our honeymoon. I'm so glad that we picked Savannah as our main stop during our little road trip through Georgia. I felt that Megan and I balanced our time with tourist-y stuff, museums, and just relaxing and enjoying each other's company. Savannah is definitely like Washington D.C., in that you need to visit several times in order to capture all (or most) of what Savannah has to offer. I'm definitely down for another trip! Maybe in the spring or summer, when flights aren't threatened by winter weather...

2021: A Pandemic Odyssey...

Still in the midst of a pandemic that should've ended months prior, we rang in 2021 in the same fashion we spent most of 2020... avoiding crowds of people and trying to stay as safe as possible. In a lot of ways, 2021 has felt like a sequel to 2020. While there was a LOT of change, progress and big life events... a lot of 2021 felt similar to the year before. So much of the year seemed to be consumed by discussion of what we could and couldn't do because of the Coronavirus. Just think, a virus that was SUPPOSED to be done after a two week quarantine, is still part of our daily lives over two years later. Even after receiving all three doses of my vaccine, we are still impacted on the daily. So, what were some of these big life events that I mentioned?! Let me talk about the top five big things that happened to me and those around me in the year 2021:

The On-going Pandemic!

2021 started on a hopeful note when vaccines started to become available to the general public. Megan got hers almost immediately, perks of working for a hospital group. It was kind of a booger getting Mom and Nick scheduled for their shots. I finally got my first shot through a connection from a classmate, then got my second one when the health department brought the vaccine to guys out at Firstep. I seem to remember a brief reprieve, like life might've been getting back to normal eventually. Then came the "Delta" variant, followed by some normalcy, followed immediately by the "Omicron" variant. These constant waves of illnesses, people who refuse to listen to mandates and the advice from the scientific community is downright infuriating. All I can do is try to keep myself and those around me safe. Maybe we'll see some improvement in 2022.

Record-Breaking Snow!

Around Valentine's Day, huge portions of the county were hit by this absolutely massive snowstorm. The Oklahoma City area was walloped with snow, some areas receiving a foot or more. In 36 years of life, I had never seen that much snow at once. It was insane. What was even CRAZIER was how low the temperature got. I don't recall ever seeing temperatures where the HIGH temp for the day was still in the negative. Like I said... insane. What was REAL fun about it was when the heater in our house FROZE OVER, therefore causing us to have no heat in record-breaking cold. Megan and I had to pack up and move into a hotel for a week until the weather warmed up and our heater thawed out. My poor little C-Max couldn't handle that snow, so I somehow managed to get the car over to my parents' (getting stuck plenty of times along the way) and borrowed their CR-V. This storm had a HUGE impact in me deciding that I wanted an SUV for my next vehicle. LOL.

Moving... Again

2021 brought on this massive buying surge in the housing market. Everyone was selling their houses and even MORE people were buying houses. Because of this, our landlord decided that they wanted to hold off on renewing our lease and potentially putting that house up on the market. Rather than sit there and wait for them to decide to boot us out at an inopportune time, we gave them the finger and decided to move. We moved into a brand new apartment complex on the northside of Norman. It was supposedly this luxury apartment. Supposedly. While it looks nice, the build quality is pure crap. I think the walls and flooring are made of papier mache. Combine that with the fact that we have young kids with four MASSIVE dogs that live above us. Megan and I just simply aren't cut out for apartment living. We're super hopeful that, by the time our lease is up, the housing market has cooled down and we can find a house to buy. If not, we're moving again... into a rental house. Megan might not like that, but I am NOT staying in that apartment any longer than I have to.

Four Years!

In November, I celebrated four years of sustained sobriety from alcohol misuse. I didn't attend near as many AA meetings as I should've, but I stayed in contact with my sponsor on a very regular basis. Working for Firstep kept me plugged into the world of recovery. I'm surrounded by friends and family that are supportive of me in my recovery, and aren't judgmental when I have those rough days. Instead of being critical, they can help me make the right decisions. It's because of all of them that I have managed to reach year four!

John Cloud, MSW

The hard work, countless hours, tons of Zoom sessions and essay after essay finally paid off and I am officially a college graduate! I graduated from the OU School of Social Work with my MSW. I somehow managed to hold on to my 4.0, graduating with honors. I was also honored with the "Outstanding Graduate Student" award for our cohort. I know I worked my ass off, but still not quite sure I deserved that one! But, the hard work paid off and I am excited to start my next chapter as an official LMSW.

Wedding Bells

After an exciting engagement, 11 months of planning, plenty of arguments and trying to make sure that everyone involved wasn't getting their feelings getting hurt... Megan and I officially got married. While we can't remember a lot about it, the ceremony and reception were beautiful. Our official wedding cakes/cupcakes were tasty. The groom's cake was super tasty. The food was tasty. It was very moving to see the people that showed up to celebrate our special day with us. We're excited to take our honeymoon next week and start the next chapter(s) of our lives!!

2022...?

So what will 2022 have to offer? Only time will tell. I know some things that ARE on our radar include: starting a new job! I'll be a therapist with a shiny new agency in Oklahoma City, working towards my clinical hours to get my LCSW. We'll be moving into a new house (ours or a rental), I'm probably going to start looking for a more gas-friendly vehicle and we'll (hopefully) be starting a family of our own! I'm excited about 2022. I pray that it doesn't just turn 2020 into a trilogy, I want something NEW and DIFFERENT. That's right, you heard me say that I'm welcoming CHANGE!

The Vows...

 Megan Cherie… Megaroo… Meggles…Megaroni…

 

We have been together for 1,649 days. We’ve made it through a worldwide pandemic, a presidential election, a record-breaking snowstorm, lots of storms in general, loss of family members and friends, thinking we were about to get shot at Penn Square Mall, addiction, grad school, new jobs, moving in together and planning a wedding together. If we can make it through all of that, I’m confident that you and I can make it through pretty much anything… together. We’ve also celebrated together. Holidays. Birthdays. “Sober-versaries.” Road trips. We’ve seen sooooo many movies together. Season after season of Walking Dead, Stranger Things, Big Brother, every ghost-hunting TV show you can think of and cheering on our favorite wrestlers on WWE. We’ve had some amazing times together… and they’ve only just begun.

 

1,649 days!

 

I’m not too proud to admit that I haven’t been the world’s best boyfriend or fiancée during some of those days, but you’ve loved me anyway. You’ve been my cheerleader. A pseudo-sponsor on those difficult days, a study partner, my one-woman pride parade, an advocate, and a best friend.

 

1,649 days. But this is day one. Now it’s my turn to step up the plate. I promise to love you no matter how big or small our bank account is. I will cheer you on, no matter if you decide to be the world’s best Medicaid biller and collector or wherever your heart takes you.  Whether we live in a tiny apartment under a family of tap-dancing elephant trainers or a home of our very own. I will love you no matter how big or small our waistlines get. I promise to ask you whether you are looking for a solution… or if you just need to vent. Surely, we’ll experience some more tough days… but we’ll also celebrate so many big days together.

 

I remember days of sitting on the back porch at the Men’s Firstep Program, talking with my fellow clients, and sharing our story of how you and I came to be and all that you and I have been through. They’d see you every single weekend. They’d refer to you as my “old lady.” After getting used to that term, I’d smile and nod and say, “yeah she is!” They’d be sure to tell me “Bro, she’s a good one. She’s a keeper. You need to make sure to hold on to that one.” And I plan on it.

John Cloud, MSW...

 

Waaaaayyy back in 2005, when I started my higher education journey, I jumped into the world of college with the desire to do my very best. That desire can be seen on my undergraduate transcript... at least the first part of it. I consistently pulled out A's and B's. On that very same transcript, you can see where alcoholism took over. Those grades abruptly dropped to D's and F's, peppered in between a lot of "incomplete" and "withdrawn" grades. I was placed on academic probation multiple times, and even academic suspension once or twice. I deserved all of it. School, much like everything else, took a back seat to alcohol. After Firstep, I decided to give it another try, and managed to finish my undergrad degree with a few more A's. Overall, I (somehow) managed to eke out a 3.0 grade point average.

When I decided to try my hand at graduate school, working towards my MSW, I had that same desire to do my absolute best. But, I was under no impression that I was going to be THE best. I just wanted to learn how to be the best social worker I could be. I wanted to build relationships. I wanted to enjoy the experience. As the semesters crawled on, I somehow managed to hold on to a 4.0 grade point average. I earned that MSW. I built those relationships. We'll see on what kind of social worker I'll be! But the cherry on top of this whole experience was being awarded "Outstanding Graduate Student" by the faculty of OU. From what I was told, I'm apparently more of a leader than I give myself credit for. Did I deserve it? I don't know. I don't want to say no, but it feels weird saying yes. I keep looking back at that John Cloud that was perfectly okay with accepting those horrible grades, putting in minimal effort and deciding to drink instead of working on school. To go from that, to being considered "outstanding" is just mind-blowing. I'm honored. I'm flattered. I'm excited. I'm still a work in progress. Stay tuned!

FOUR...

 

126,144,000 seconds.

2,102,400 minutes.

1,460 days.

Forty-eight months.

FOUR YEARS of sobriety.

A little more than four years ago, I woke up to the idea of not having to pick up a drink. The absolutely terrifying, nauseating notion of never drinking again. Of course, I knew it was for the best... but it didn't mean that the thought didn't absolutely horrify me and scare the shit out of me. But I gave it a try. With the help of the folks from the Public Inebriate Alternative and The Recovery Center in Oklahoma City, I made it my first week sans alcohol. I was able to spend a week with those closest to me before I checked in for the long haul at Men's Firstep... and, well, you know the story.

Needless to stay, I initially started this post closer to November 14, but I got distracted. PLENTY of stuff going on in my tiny little world. Once all the dust settles, I promise to be better at blogging... in 2022. :-)

Today, life looks pretty damn good. I'm days away from graduating with my MSW. I'm days away from getting MARRIED. After that, we get to celebrate the holidays. With Christmas and New Years behind us, we get to go on this (hopefully) kick-ass honeymoon. We'll return from our honeymoon and I'll get to jump in feet-first to my new job that is opening up a lot of new opportunities for me. What's next? Kiddos? New house? New car? New dog? D - All of the above? Only time will tell.

It's been an interesting journey, full of plenty of ups and downs. It seems like I've seen far more ups as of late. Life does have a funny way of occasionally throwing in a nice curve ball to keep me humble, but I'm appreciative of the experience. The Oklahoma Board of Social Workers is requesting that I take a couple of extra steps before I get my LMSW licensure. It is solely due to my past. While filling out the application, I was given a friendly little reminder that I was a hot mess between the years of 2010-2017. Academic probation and suspension. Legal issues. Financial issues. Health issues. They are ALL related to my alcoholism. Every. Single. One. The board just wants to hear my story, hear what I've done to find that recovery and make sure that I have a plan to STAY sober while I'm in a professional setting and trying to help others.

I'd be lying if I said the phone call with the director of the board didn't spike my anxiety a bit, but I've calmed down after a while. The director reassured me AND I'm super blessed to have a good collection of people in my corner who are willing to vouch for the type of person that I am today. It's flattering and super comforting to know that I have everyone from friends and families to well-established professionals willing to go to bat for me. So now, I can relax and just enjoy the experience of getting to share my story with a new group of people.

If I were a bettin' man, I'd say the next time I write a blog, I'm gonna be a married man. That just sounds weird. lol

Ode To A Mancave...

 When Megan and I started the loooonnng process of searching for a home of our own, we both came to the table with a few "must-haves" that we wanted in a house or an apartment. She REALLY wanted a garage. While I was indifferent... I have to admit, I am SO glad I came to my senses on that one. She wanted a guest bedroom. Again, I was indifferent... most of our family and friends live fairly close to us and have places of their own? Who's gonna stay there? But, I agreed. My only must-have was that I HAD to have a "man cave." It was a place where I could finish up my graduate program. It was a vital place for me to recharge my batteries after a long day of whatever.

I moved in to the house first, living pretty much by myself for the first month. Even with the rest of the house fully furnished, I only used three spaces... the kitchen, the bedroom and my cave. It has everything I need. My computer set-up. Books. TV. Comfy spot to recline. I can use it to play PS4, binge-watch Netflix, knock out some papers for school, meet with classmates via "Zoom," or watch the seemingly countless lecture videos. 

While the space is important and the stuff inside is important, it is what it represents that is the most important. It is a safe space, a comfortable space. A space for respite. I am so fortunate that Megan fully understands the need for that space. She knows what's going on when I go back to work on mountains of homework. She even understands when I come home from work and tell her, "I just need to go back to the cave for a bit to wind down." She nods, gives me a kiss and lets me do my thing. I've accomplished some pretty amazing things in this room. Homework. Beat up on some n00bs (lol) on Call of Duty. Most importantly, it's also the space where I FINALLY proposed to her. She said yes (duh.)

Who knows whether or not I will always have a space to call my man cave, but I sure do appreciate the one that I have right now.

The Courage to Change...

 

I think it's a safe to say that the majority of people in recovery know what the serenity prayer is and can probably speak it by heart. It's recited at the beginning of most 12-step meetings and sometimes even at the end of the meeting. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference..." Even people NOT in recovery should know this one, it definitely helps. I know that I say it at LEAST once a day.

If I were a bettin' man, I'd say the thing that people use the prayer for the MOST would be the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" part. It is so helpful to remind us that we are hardly ever in control. We are the mercy of so many people and things around us, that it is pointless to get so worked up over things that we have no power to change. I know there have been PLENTY of times in my life that I've come across something that I don't like, I have no power to change it into something that I am okay with and I just need to work with it the best that I can. There is no point in throwing some massive temper tantrum over it, getting pissed off at people about it, having people get pissed off at me because of my response and just blowing it out of proportion. There is DEFINITELY no point in getting drunk or high over it. That won't fix it. In most cases, that usually just makes it worse.

The other day, I was doing my normal daily meditation "ritual" in the shower (not necessarily a ritual, just the little internal conversation I have with myself about my day and how I'm going to try and handle it) when a DIFFERENT part of the prayer stuck out to me like a sore thumb. All of a sudden I started thinking on the part "COURAGE to change the things I can." It's no mystery that alcoholics and addicts don't like change. Whether you are talking about BIG change like jobs and living arrangements, to little things like how the chairs in the room are set up... totally not a fan. Change is uncomfortable, sometimes it's even painful. Sometimes it pisses people off. 

That change can look like anything from a "small" change to yourself. Maybe you need to stop drinking/smoking/whatever? Maybe you need a change in your diet. Maybe you need to pick up the exercise. Start going to church... whatever! That change can go on a bigger scale and you can help someone else with THEIR change... this is where the uncomfortableness can get a little more intense. Maybe you can help a small group of people? Maybe you can help your family? Do you have that kind of courage? To step up and do something to improve the lives of those most important to you? MAYBE the change gets even bigger and you need to do your part to help your community, your city, state or even your country. What does that look like?

I think maybe I need to stop using the serenity prayer as a reason to not doing anything. "I can't change anything. I just have to accept it." Maybe, instead, I need to start using the serenity prayer as a reason to start making BIGGER changes in my life and the lives of others. Just a thought to ponder...

So, there's this girl...

Needless to say, before November 2017, I was a total mess. I wouldn't even add the word "hot" to it. I was BAD. I had pretty much decided that I was going to pull myself out of the dating scene because, honestly, who would date a 32 year old that still lives with his parents? Even before that point, my relationship history had been all over the map. Literally. I may have lived on my own and had a fairly decent job, but I didn't know who I was or what the hell I wanted out of life. By Spring/Summer 2017, I had decided that I should probably just focus on me for a bit. Then I got this random message out of nowhere on a dating app that I rarely checked anymore... and wound up striking up a conversation with this pseudo-country (what I would've considered strike 1) Catholic (another red flag at the time) girl from Norman (the last girl from Norman that I dated wasn't exactly a winner either). I gave it a shot and we wound up surprisingly hitting it off and making a fairly decent connection.

I would say that our relationship was anything but normal, but neither of us were exactly the poster children of normal ourselves. We were both a little on the older side, we had both been through the relationship wringer and I think we were both just tired. We were tired of being someone's #2, when we should've been a #1. We were tired of being hurt, lied to and taken advantage of all the time. We were tired of the "dating" scene, the courtship process and that loooong journey it sometimes takes to convince someone that "hey, I want this person to be my GF/BF." We were both content with just being with each other. We didn't REQUIRE (not to say that they aren't nice) fancy dates. While we enjoyed nights out at a nice restaurant, we were just as content with picking up some burgers from Braum's and watching "Nailed It" on Netflix.

We had a few bumps in the road earlier on, most of them were brought on by me. A lot of it came from two people who were just used to being by themselves or being in bad relationships. Learning how to communicate. Learning how to compromise. Learning how to be comfortable enough to share the things that make people uncomfortable... that was a big one. We had plenty of uncomfortable conversations about our pasts. The most uncomfortable was when she came across the fact that I had been hiding my struggles with alcoholism. She had her suspicions, but she was nowhere near how bad it really was.

When the bottom dropped out and I decided I was going to go into treatment, I gave her the option of going our separate ways. She didn't sign up for this. She didn't deserve this... but she stayed anyway. She was easily one of my main pillars of support during those six months and the long months after I completed treatment. Life has gotten so infinitely better since I got sober, and I'm so incredibly blessed that she has stuck by my side through it all. I don't think I would've gotten sober without her.

A little over a year ago, we decided to move in together. We found that cute little house in Moore. The year has been FAR from easy. We've survived a pandemic together. We've survived storms together. We've survived some of the coldest weather in Oklahoma history together. We've also had plenty of incredibly moments. We love our nights watching wrestling or the Walking Dead together. We love having people over for dinner, games and hilarious conversations.

A couple of weeks ago (months ago? I don't know, time flies) I FINALLY popped the question, and (of course) she said yes lol. Now we have the fun (is it fun???) process of planning the wedding...

The John Edwards Conundrum...

 

When John Cloud was just a young boy, about the age of 14 or 15, he decided he thought the world of politics was pretty damned interesting. Being born and raised in Oklahoma, he was heavily influenced that the "Grand Ole Party" was the way to go. Republicans through and through. Elephants 4 LYFE! For the school newspaper, he even held an impartial (HA!) poll on picture day on who Moore West Jr. High would elect for president, GWB or Al Gore. GWB won hands down. He remembers feeling disgust towards those who would vote for Gore... eeewww... a democrat. 

Okay, okay. Enough third person shit...

But as I reached voting age, I started this weird habit where I started actually THINKING for myself. My thoughts on capital punishment, LGBTQ rights, pro-choice, etc. put me far more in line with the Democratic party than it did the Republicans. So I jumped in headfirst. It just so happened to be around the time of the 2004 presidential election, and I thoughtfully researched the slew of Democratic candidates there were to pick from. General Wesley Clark was a favorite of mine, I also liked John Kerry and Al Sharpton. But then I found... John Edwards. He was a handsome, well-spoken senator from North Carolina. He supported LGBTQ rights, was pro-choice, was not in favor of a long war in Iraq and a slew of other policy issues that I agreed with. I had found "my guy." I even almost put his bumper sticker on my Mustang! Sadly, he withdrew from the race. He eventually became the Democrat's choice for vice president with John Kerry. They lost and we got GWB for another four years. He ran again in 2008, but was eclipsed quickly by both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. He didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell. But I still liked him, a lot. I followed his political career and hoped he would stay a prominent figure... until Rielle Hunter came along.

Just kidding, I don't blame Ms. Hunter in this whatsoever, but that was just a good segue. Shortly after he dropped out, news broke that he had been involved in an extramarital affair with Rielle Hunter. I think I remember they even had a child together. That alone is absolutely horrible. But then you add on to the fact that he cheated on his wife, while she was dying from cancer. You don't get much lower than that. Lower than low. 

I have strong opinions on cheating. You can ask anyone. They destroy families, wreck lives and hurt a LOT! I speak from experience...Anyways, I dropped Edwards like a bad habit. I may have liked a lot of his stances on policy, but his behavior was abhorrent. That was that. I walked away, it was done. We broke up. It was over with. I told him to come get his shit and never talk to me again.

So... to make the connection to current events, why can't Trump supporters make that decision? Why don't they see the absolutely HORRID things he has done? Cut him loose! Say enough is enough! Unhitch your buggie (is that the saying??) from him and move the Hell on! I actually knew a small handful of people who have done this. They admit they voted for him. They don't feel good about it. They've learned what an absolute knob-job he is and they changed their minds. This is America! You have the right to learn things and change your mind if you learn something new that you don't like. I'll never understand. The man is officially out of office, he has no power anymore and can't do anything for you. He never would've done anything for you if he was STILL in his office. But he still has those avid, cult-like fans. Let him go. Move on. He's an asshat, and idolizing him makes you look like an asshat too.

Another Day of Infamy...

I was in the third grade when the attack happened on the Alfred P. Murrah building in Oklahoma City. April 19, 1995. I think I was really too young to understand the gravity of the situation, but I know it scared me. A lot of people died, and even more people got hurt... all at the hands of (mainly) one angry individual. How could someone do that? Even more so, how could that happen so close to home?

On September 11, 2001, I was a sophomore in high school. I was listening to the events unfold while I attempted to take notes in my US History class. I wasn't so young anymore and I fully understood the gravity of the situation. There was a group of people outside of the United States that wanted to cause significant harm to innocent people within our own borders. It was terrifying. That naïve feeling of near-invincibility was absolutely shattered.

January 6, 2021 will join those days, and many other "days of infamy" that have happened in the United States. They are dates to be remembered, not because of some good or positive thing that happened... but when America was attacked because of who we were and/or what we stood for. Last Wednesday, the US Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. was overrun by a group of domestic terrorists. The violent mob was sent there to cause destruction by none other than our very own President. A crowd in the thousands marched down Pennsylvania Avenue, at the request of Trump, and angrily protested in front of the Capitol. Inside the building were joint sessions of the House and Senate, completing the (mainly ceremonial) counting of the electoral college vote results for the 2020 Presidential election. The votes had been tallied, the deed had been done, there was basically nothing that anyone in opposition to the results could do to change the outcome. But this mob had been lied to and told there was a chance. So they acted... violently.

Albeit late, the police and national guard DID finally show up and they re-took control. The dust eventually settled. Members of congress actually came back into the very place that had just been desecrated and completed the task they had been sent their to fulfill. Despite cries of a rigged election, (unsuccessful) court hearings, press conferences, rallies, and now a riot... Joe Biden is going to be the President of the United States. 

April 19 was really where the "Oklahoma Standard" was created. Our state came together, united and healed. September 11 was pretty much the same. People ceased being democrats and republicans, they were Americans (cheesy, right?). Part of the healing process and unity involved holding the responsible parties accountable for what they had done. Timothy McVeigh was arrested, tried and eventually put to death. September 11 eventually drew us into a long drawn-out war with Afghani terror groups. So, how does America heal from this tragedy? Like April 19, this attack came from within. The main culprit of this crime just so happens to be the leader of a political party and the current sitting President. A disturbingly large number of his supporters have fused their identities with their support for him, making it impossible for them to not feel attacked when he is criticized. You disapprove of Trump? You disapprove of who they are at their core...or that's how they perceive it. How do people get so intrinsically connected to a single individual? It's almost cult-like. But that is a whole other post (ooh! Good idea!) topic. 

So where do we go from here? I honestly have no clue. The optimistic side of me thinks that truth and love and all that positive stuff will prevail. The pessimistic side of me wonders how I will ever be able to look at those people that supported this attack again. There are people that I have loved and cared for, people that have meant a lot to me and helped me along in my journey. This past week revealed a darker, uglier side of these people. How do I move on? How do we proceed and pretend that everything is okay? Even if justice IS served and those who were involved get what is coming to them, there are MILLIONS of "normal" Americans that thought what happened on Wednesday was "fuckin' great!" Some people will sit in jail, while MANY more will continue to live like nothing ever happened. Much like everything else, I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.

2020: The Year That Wasn't...

Forgive me, if I decide to spare us all from my standard "year in review" post. I think we can all agree that this year was ANYTHING but standard...

It seems like it was so long ago... New Year's Eve 2019 fell on a Tuesday. Megan had to work late, so any sort of evening frivolities weren't really possible. It's not like we really WANTED to get out and about in all that craziness, but it's nice to at least have the OPTION. So, we rang in the new year at Megan's place. I remember sitting on Megan's couch (well, not really a couch... more like a REALLY tiny loveseat) and ringing in 2020. I had that feeling of relief wash over me, because 2019 just wasn't a good year (does that sound familiar?)… For the life of me, I can't even remember WHY I thought 2019 was so horrid, but I remember thinking along the lines of "thank GOD this year is almost over, we can start fresh with 2020." 

We all know how 2020 turned out. To call it a dumpster fire wouldn't be fair to dumpsters... or fires. It seems like so much harm was done. The world of politics will probably never be the same. How kids go to school has changed. How we celebrate holidays changed. So many jobs lost. So many people died. But... is it possible that there was some actual good that came out of this year? Let's take a look, shall we?

I got a new roomie!

In January, Megan and I signed the official paperwork... ok, not THAT official paperwork... but the forms that made us the tenants of a pretty little house in Moore, Oklahoma. I moved in to the new abode in February, Megan moved in after her lease was up in March. She moved in RIGHT as the pandemic was starting to pick up speed, so we went through that first "hunker down" together. We've hit a few bumps here and there, but nothing that we couldn't overcome. I think we have a pretty good little routine and we enjoy living with each other. Right, Megan? Megan... hello? Anyone? lol

Rockin' that 4.0

Four semesters later, I'm still kickin' ass and taking names on my graduate degree. I have taken some pretty amazing classes that have opened my eyes to a lot of other opportunities on what I can do with my degree once I graduate. I completed my first year of practicum, which I was able to complete out at Firstep. It has been a total blessing to get to finish practicum WHILE I'm at work. So many people have to struggle balancing schedules of work, school AND practicum hours. I've enjoyed my field instructor. She's a bit of an ass-kicker, but that's what I need from time to time. It's so exciting to think that, by this time next year, I'll be a college graduate... again!

3 Years and Going STRONG!

In November of 2020, I celebrated 3 years of maintained sobriety. It hasn't been an easy year, by far. I'm so glad that I had a little bit of time under my belt before the pandemic hit. The people that are starting to get sober in this time are stronger than they realize. I admire the hell out of the guys that have stuck it out while at Firstep. Quarantine has cancelled passes, limited visitation and just about put a kink in every "perk" the guys get while trying to complete the program. The majority of them do it without a whole bunch of complaining. Those guys that DO complain, well... I understand where they're coming from. I didn't go to a single in-person meeting since March. AA meetings have resorted to using ZOOM, which I just can't get into. It's so impersonal. I already use Zoom for school and work, so I hate using it for my recovery as well. I've been fortunate to have a pretty good system of recovery in place, because I would NOT recommend that anyone go without a meeting for this long. As soon as I feel comfortable, my ass is going to be in one of those chairs at Live and Let Live.

Joe Biden For President!

In national news, the country managed to vote out Donald Trump! This blog is meant to be a form of meditation and relaxation for me, and the topic of politics is NOT relaxing or meditative... so we'll just leave it at that. January 20, 2021 will ring in a new era (hopefully) of positivity in this country.

Shoot Me Up!

I feel it is worth mentioning that I just received news that I'm eligible for the next round of vaccines for COVID. I was certain I wasn't going to get access to it until at LEAST the Summer.... so I'm pretty stoked. Yes, I said stoked. Megan has already gotten the vaccine. If I can just get Mom and Nick their shots, I'll be a happy camper. I know it is mainly symbolic, but I feel like it kind of closes a nasty chapter... at least for those that are close to me. I know so many others have a long and difficult road. But, hopefully before too long, we can get the remnants of 2020 behind us and enjoy an amazing 2021!

Loving them from a distance...

When I worked through my fifth step, my sponsor introduced the mind-blowing concept to me that I have the power to end toxic relationships. I can walk away from a hurtful relationship, EVEN if it's family. One of the most amazing parts of this ability, is the fact that I don't have to hate the person that I'm ending the relationship with. I can wish them nothing but the best. I can hope they have all the success and happiness in the world. I can even love them... but I can love them from the other side of the street.

Humans are imperfect. We are flawed and make mistakes. So, it would make sense, that there would be BIGGER flaws and MORE mistakes when you put two or more humans together. When you add a substance use disorder, like alcoholism, to the mix... those flaws and those mistakes become even bigger and more damaging. The damage that I did to my relationships, especially the most important ones, still bothers me to this day. I find it difficult to remember certain situations that I royally messed up. Thank God for the ninth step and the ability to try and make amends to the people that I hurt the most.

The holidays are such a mixed bag of tricks. People talk about the challenges of spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with that crazy uncle or difficult sibling. They feel like they HAVE to or that it's an obligation. Why? If it is more damaging to be around someone, then why would you continue to be around that person? Especially if you've put in the effort and get let down, time and time again. It's time to let that one go. Spend the holidays with those that you love and those that make you happy.

Even when I was a youngin, the relationship between me and my father was... complicated. A lot of times, we made it work because I was still young and kinda "had to" do it. I felt that obligation that I previously mentioned. As an adult, that complication continued to grow and that gap between us grew bigger and bigger. We would still get together and attempt to make something work. It obviously never did. I finally decided, after I walked away from our last meeting, that I was done. He needed to stay where he was and I would stay where I am. I love my father. I wish him nothing but the best, but for my sobriety and my well-being... I just can't have him around me.

As an adult, I hit a rough patch with both of my brothers. I fell out of contact with both of them for different amounts of time at random points. The reasoning is still kind of fuzzy, but we just felt that we couldn't make it work. We'd take some time and respect each other's personal space. There have been a few times that they've popped back into the picture. I've taken the time and thought about it and decided that I wasn't done yet. We, as brothers, deserved another chance to keep our relationships alive. So far, the relationships are going well. They aren't the strongest, we aren't the absolute closest brothers in the world, but I'll take it. If, at any point, it went sour again, I have the right to decide to distance myself and protect myself from any harmful relationships. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be going in that direction.

I do have a handful of people in my life that I believe there needs to be distance... and that will more than likely be permanent. I don't care if it's the holidays or not, I can't. I love these people and I do wish them nothing but the best. They can win the lottery. They can find the loves of their lives. They can live out their dreams. I just don't have to be a part of it. You can find me on the other side of the street...

Four Months Later...

If life were a movie, the screen would start to focus on a scene of a young couple unpacking their car after a nice vacation trip to Colorado. They are tired, but happy. The couple goes inside the house, shutting the door behind them. You can hear the sound of muffled laughter as the screen fades to black.

The words "four months later" appear big on the middle of the screen. The camera opens on a bleak, dystopian future. The city skylines are nothing but a shell of what they used to be. The lines at food pantries are miles long. People wait for hours to get tested for this disease that has ravaged the country. The country's leader refuses to give up power, even though the people have rightfully voted him out.

Our young hero sits at a desk, writing his final paper, which will finalize his training and put him in a perfect position to go out there and save the world...

Okay, okay... "dystopian" may be a bit intense of a word to use. "Hero" probably isn't a good fit. Well, and he DEFINITELY isn't young. But, hey, it could work. I DID just submit my final paper... for the semester. One year left! By this time next year, that MSW will be within my grasp.

Sadly, some of that other stuff... like the lines at food banks, a disease ravaging the country and a leader that refuses to give up power is the sad truth of our times. We are TEN months into COVID, and the only glimmer of hope is the slooooooowww unveiling of a vaccine that probably won't get to "normal" people like myself until late spring or early summer. 

We lost my Uncle Bobby in October, after his long battle with cancer. Mom, Nick and I drove down to Houston for the service. It was great to get to see all of the family, albeit under horrible circumstances. Being around my aging family, as well as being around plenty of alcohol, created some challenges for sobriety... but I made it. I talked to people. That was another thing, I was glad that Uncle Bobby got to see me SOBER before he passed. So many of the other times he saw me... I definitely wasn't.

Joe Biden won the election. Donald Trump disputed it... is STILL disputing it. Democrats kept the house and didn't take back the senate. So, while it was a good night, it was NOT the sweeping victory we were hoping for. With a divided congress, it'll be a tough battle for Joe to get anything productive done for at LEAST two years.

I celebrated THREE years of sobriety from alcohol. November 14, 2020. It was a Saturday, so Megan and I decided to take a "break" from isolating and went to a comedy club to see one of my favorite actor's stand up routine. The only reason we decided to do this was that the club SUPPOSEDLY had super strict COVID guidelines. Yeah. Right. What a joke. The show was hilarious, but that club was NOT SAFE. We are so fortunate we walked out of there without catching the 'rona. 

Thanksgiving was weird, but nice. We didn't have a typical "family" holiday. Mom and Nick came over to our place. We ordered a big turkey dinner from Ingrid's, picked it up the day before and just warmed it up. Nick napped on the couch. I napped in the recliner. Mom and Megan talked... and talked... and talked... I guess some things never change. :-) 

Expect the Unexpected...

 

So this post is a complete and total re-write. When I first started it on Monday, I was highlighting the fact that I am a super-duper planner. Put that up against the fact that our trip to Colorado last week went almost completely NOT as planned. For some odd reason, I had even compiled a bulleted list of things that went wrong with the trip. Ya know what? It was pretty depressing. I stopped where I was and decided I just needed to scrap that post and start over. This is a long post... so beware. So, here we go!

FINALLY, we set off for our Colorado adventure (that had been planned for TWO other attempts!) Wednesday after Megan got off from work. I had gotten off a few hours before, and had completely packed up Maxine. Megan took the first leg of the trip and drove us to Amarillo, with a quick pit-stop in Elk City for some gourmet Sonic Drive-in for dinner. We topped off the tank in Amarillo and switched spots and I drove us the rest of the way to our first pit-stop in Trinidad, CO. The hotel wasn't the best, but at least it had a pretty comfy bed and that is ALL that mattered. We both wanted to get an early start the next morning, but our bodies woke us both up before we had originally intended to... so we got an even EARLIER start for the first full day of our journey. 

I thought it was adorable, the further north we went and as the mountains began to appear, Megan immediately started taking pics and "ooh-ing" and "aah-ing" a lot. I would tell her those weren't even the real mountains yet! She didn't care. Instead of driving straight up 25 into Denver, I took a left at Pueblo and drove us through Canon City, with the intention of spending some time at the Royal Gorge Bridge. I had memories of stopping there as a child and remembered how awesome it was and thought Megan would really enjoy it. When we arrived, the surroundings had lots of picture-worthy scenery. We made the trek through the parking lot to the entry and found out that they charged... $30 PER PERSON!? I was totally bummed and prayed that was not a sign of things to come, but Megan still enjoyed it and took everything in stride. We decided to continue on to the next stop of our journey.

The closer we got to Breckenridge, the scenery truly got more and more beautiful. We had planned to hike this 2-mile trail that led to a waterfall, but decided to seek out lunch first. We drove the whole way into Breckenridge and saw that this WINTER ski-town was absolutely packed. Like, way more than it should've been. Apparently, everyone else and their dog had the same idea about vacationing up in the mountains. I began to get frustrated with the amount of people and the traffic. The Breckenridge Subway was impossible to get to, so we went ahead and drove into Silverthorne. After we ate, we decided that we were tired and basically just wanted to get to the hotel... but it was too soon for check-in. So, we decided to mark off one of the things on our "to do" list and hike to Sapphire Point Overlook. We accomplished the hike... but I swear I almost died on the way there. I truly realized how absolutely out of shape I was. I COULD blame it on the altitude or the smoke in the air from the fires out west, but I knew that the main reason was all this extra weight I'm carrying around my gut. But, we got there. The overlook was absolutely beautiful. Lots of pics, including a selfie, were taken and I Facetimed Mom to share the experience with her. We huffed and puffed our way back to the car and drove back down the mountain. We stopped at the lake and stuck our feet in the COOOOOOOLD water for a bit, then made it to the hotel.

The hotel. It had one working lamp. The hallway smelled like weed. The front desk people liked to play "hide and seek." But it was in a nice location and it had a comfy bed. So 2/5 ain't half bad. We crashed. Hard. Relaxed in the hotel for the rest of the night. Picked up Chipotle for dinner. Watched Big Brother and went night-night. The next morning, we had originally planned to hike a few more trails and spend most of the day in Silverthorne/Dillon/Breckenridge. We woke up to a super hazy atmosphere that made it to where you could barely see the mountains (and you're smack dab in the middle of them!) or breathe. We decided it was safer to make our way out of the mountains and down into Denver. We'd have to miss out on the trails and "Isak Heartstone," but made a promise to each other that we would get into shape and come back and try again.

My favorite thing in the whole world is the drive between Silverthorne and Denver. The mountains, the Clear Creek that runs next to the highway. It's windy and beautiful and just about as close to perfect as possible. It was cold... and smokey... I just wasn't happy with it. But, just like before, Megan seemed to enjoy it and was totally happy with the experience. We got down from the mountains and had PLENTY of time to kill before we were able to check in. I took her to experience the wonderful world of TATTERED COVER bookstore (we had to wait an hour until they opened)... we walked up and down (a little bit anyway) the 16th Street Mall. I took her for a ride on her first public transit bus. I drove her by the capitol building and the Denver Civic Center. Then, we literally drove around for like 6 hours. Luckily, the hotel let us check in like an hour early. The hotel was SO NICE. The staff was awesome, the hotel public spaces were so nice and our room was basically perfect. Such a comfy bed. So a big A+ from me! We went and crashed for a couple of hours.

For dinner, we got up and around and we went to the super delicious Gunther Toody's. Then we just kinda relaxed around until it was time to finally crash. Speaking of crashing... the next morning we decided to wake up early and go to VOODOO DOUGHNUTS for breakfast. What a fun place! We got a nice wide variety of interesting shaped donuts (lol). On the way there, I had an interesting ...experience... with a Denver native riding an electric scooter. But it all turned out okay. :-)  After gorging ourselves on explicitly-shaped baked goods, we spent a good portion of Saturday relaxing in the hotel room. We eventually did venture back out to indulge in one of the best burgers I think I've ever had, at CROWN BURGER. Initially, I thought Crown Burger was just a small chain that could be found in the Salt Lake City area, but I was (thankfully mistaken). We had accidentally found a lone Denver location while taking the long way back to the hotel from Voodoo earlier in the day. We picked up the burgs and drove up to the street to the pretty campus of Denver University. We came back to the hotel and started the depressing process of packing our bags to get ready to hit the road for home.

We got up pretty early and started packing up the car. We had leftover donuts for breakfast and got on the road. We didn't have to go far before we made a small detour to go through the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado Springs to see some beautiful rock formations. We hit up their gift shop and then started the journey back home. Other than an A/C unit that was getting kinda wonky on us near the end and having to dodge some storms as we drove through Texas, the trip back home was just as safe and uneventful. We pulled into our garage on fumes. We were super tired, kinda glad to be back home, but kinda sad that this adventure we had been waiting on for YEARS was over. We are going back again. Soon, if I have any say! What adventure shall we plan for next?

So, it was far from the perfect trip, like I had previously mentioned. Lots of stuff got kinda sideways. But it was still a LOT of fun and Megan and I will be able to share these memories with each other for years to come. I'm grateful for the time that we got to spend together. She's a good little copilot, both in life AND in road trips. :-) 

Rocky Mountain Hiiiiiighh...

Just ask anyone who knows me relatively well, and they'd probably be able to tell you that my favorite city that I've visited would be Denver. If I had to move today, that would probably be my new "go-to" locale. I'm not sure what it is... it just seems to have so much fun "city" stuff, but is right there at the foot of the Rockies and can give you some of the most beautiful nature scenery that you've ever seen. You've never been? I highly, highly (was that a mountain joke? Or a legalized marijuana joke? Hmm...) recommend it!!!

The last trip I made to Denver seemingly ended as quick as it began. Mom and I flew in late one night, and we were home before the next night. It was a great trip that gave Mom a brief experience of mountain scenery and just whet my appetite just enough to make sure I would long to return as soon as possible. We did make some stops at some must-see Denver sites (Tattered Cover bookstore), but we spent most of our time up in the mountains. It was cold and wet, but otherwise a great trip.

A few years later, Megan and I planned to spend our first vacation together taking a road trip back to the Rocky Mountain State. Some car troubles 72-hours before we were scheduled to leave changed those plans and we wound up going to Dallas. It was a good trip... but no competition to a trip to Colorado. Ever since then, it has been at the top of our list. The next trip somehow took us to Lawton. Yeesh. We were FINALLY planning on going to Denver this spring, to celebrate the successful conclusion of the Spring semester and to enjoy some R and R before the chaotic Summer semester kicked off. Sadly, the 'rona interfered with that and we decided to postpone. Neither of us felt safe travelling with the pandemic AND we weren't sure on whether or not we should use up PTO that might need to be used for other things (like quarantining or something). The 'rona is still going strong, but the Summer semester was such a doozy that I decided that I HAD to get out of town for a bit. We made a few changes to Denver plans, which basically just means spending time in the mountains and/or away from people.

So... unless the car acts up within the next (under) 24 hours... Denver is FINALLY happening. We hit the road tomorrow. Wish us luck! I'll post another blog of our adventures soon!