2018: A Year In Review...

Despite crashing and burning in late 2017, I made some huge positive strides towards bettering my life before year's end. When I rung in 2018, I was rounding that corner. The world didn't seem so bleak, I wasn't SUCH a complete dirtbag and I might actually be able to accomplish some of these things that I set my mind out to finish. The thoughts started rummaging around in my head of "well, what DO you want to accomplish in 2018? Of course you want to graduate from Firstep... but then what?" While sitting in a crowded FIRSTEP office, I put some thought into what were the TOP 10 things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year...

10.) In 2018, I made a resolution to see more movies actually in the theater.
... Well, that really didn't come together. After graduating in May, I think I saw MAYBE five or six movies in the theater? And three of those were within these last two weeks! So, not as successful as I would like. BUT! Both AMC and Regal have membership programs that I've looked into and I'll definitely be seeing more movies in the new year!

9.) After years of being stuck here in my own funk, I made a resolution to take road trip.
...This resolution was ACHIEVED! I even went as far to say that the possibilities of achieving this were a "stretch," especially if it was much further than Sulphur. Well, I made it further than Sulphur, but not by far. The original plan was to drive to Denver, but those plans had to change at the very last minute due to car issues. We decided to stay closer to home and make a trip to Waco and then back up to Dallas for a few days. It wasn't the trip we had hoped for, but it was a good trip nonetheless!

8.) As part of my "rebuilding John" process, I made a resolution that I would have my OWN car by year's end.
...Well, with my very own 2013 Ford C-Max, this resolution was ACHIEVED! With some financial miracles and the help of two amazing parents. I have the keys to a rather nice car that are jingling around in my pocket as we speak. For this, I am very grateful.

7.) Working on my credit.
...Once I got on my feet, the financial situation was fairly dire. I had actually even looked into the possibility of filing for bankruptcy and just wiping the slate clean. For me, it just didn't feel right. Luckily, the debt management company I had worked with prior to Firstep had contacted me at JUST the right time and I have decided to work with them again rather than file for bankruptcy. Over the next 30 months, I'll be paying back everything and hopefully building that credit up to not-so-sucky levels.

6.) Working on finishing up my education.
...Once I finally felt "settled" in my job, I reached back out to OU. I wanted to finish up my bachelor's (finally) and then the goal is to ultimately go on to get my master's in social work. The first part of that goal is closer to being achieved... I start classes on January 14th. By May, I will (hopefully) be a college graduate! The next part of the goal is to pretty immediately start back to school in August. No rest for the wicked!

5.) Getting another job.
...Done and done! I remember feeling so hopeful when I wrote out my top 10 list earlier this year that I would be working for Firstep after I graduated. THAT was the perfect plan. I remember being riddled with disappointment when April and May rolled around and that just wasn't going to be in the cards. I've been with Specialized Outpatient Services for five months now, and I couldn't be much happier. The job isn't perfect, but what job is? I enjoy working with the people I work with and I get to do something that I love. It doesn't get much better than that. I would call that a definite "mission accomplished."

4.) Living a lifestyle of "willingness."
...It comes and goes, ya know? I try my best to be willing. I'd like to say that I'm living a lifestyle of willingness more often than not, but I wouldn't say I always have the best attitude about it. But I am trying! I know I have responsibilities and things I promised I would do or places that I would be... but it gets tiring sometimes. So much to do, so little time... or something like that. I have to cut myself some slack. I am doing a lot.

3.) Embracing an "attitude of gratitude."
... I'd like to say that I am a grateful person. Hopefully those people that are important to me KNOW that they are important to me and I am very grateful for what they do and who they are. Not to say that I can't continue to improve. I think everyone, myself included, could become more grateful about all of life's blessing in our day-to-day. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

2.) Improving relationships with friends, family and people around me.
...My relationships continue to grow and improve. I'm closer than ever to my parents and my family. I have a great relationship with Megan. I'm developing closer friendships with people in the program and with my coworkers. While I like my "me" time, I know that I can't (and I don't want to) do this alone. A circle of friends, family and those closest to me will help ensure that I continue to lead a happy and SOBER life.

1.) Continued sobriety!
...I'm well over 400 days sober at this point. I'd say that is a definite success! I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too. :-)

The Road Ahead...

Step eleven reads "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Even though it's almost at the bottom of the list, the eleventh step was one of the first ones that I started to work as often as possible. When I can take the time to pray and/or meditate, things seem to fall into place a little easier, life becomes slightly less chaotic. Once I invite my higher power into the mix, the life that I have made so unmanageable seems to be a little more manageable. If I keep Him out and stay in my own head and purposefully seek MY will... that's when life becomes more difficult. I become irritable, restless and discontented. That's a dangerous place to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY not some sort of Buddha/Gandhi/meditation guru. Quite the contrary. More often than not, prayer is just a simple conversation between my and God, usually in the shower or when I'm by myself. It doesn't have to be some beautifully written prayer like the Prayer of St. Francis. Meditation is a way for me to control my breathing, (hopefully) slow my thoughts down and help me decide what I need to do to stay on the beam...or make something right and put me back on that beam. For me, where prayer is a conversation with God, meditation can be a conversation with myself, or simply listening.

A thought came to me last night, while we were discussing the eleventh step in the meeting. So many of us (myself included) want that instant gratification in everything we do, prayer and meditation is no exception. I want the burning bush, an immediate answer or to be immediately calmed and at peace. It doesn't always work like that. Prayer and meditation is more like an anti-depressant. You have to take it for a while before it really starts to enter your system and change how you feel. It may take a while for my thoughts and actions to show the results of my prayer. Likewise, on the other end, if you stop taking the anti-depressant, it doesn't stop working immediately. It takes some time to work its way out of your system. If you stop praying, you won't immediately lose control and/or relapse and life gets crazy. But after a while, I bet you'd find yourself a little more irritable, restless and discontented.

I'll finish with one of my favorite prayers. It's from Thomas Merton, and while it may not be as beautifully or poetically written as St. Francis' prayer, I find it just as effective:

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Amen.

A Movie Review for YOU! "Ben Is Back"

One of the many fun things I was able to do over the holiday break was take my mom to see the new movie "Ben Is Back" starring Julia Roberts and Lucas Hedges. Hedges plays Ben, a young addict who struggles with trying to obtain long-term sobriety. Much to the surprise of his family, Ben comes home for Christmas. Ben's mother, played by Roberts, seems to be the only one that is pleasantly surprised. Others, like Ben's sister (played by Kathryn Newton) and Ben's stepfather (played by Courtney Vance), aren't as happy. They aren't buying Ben's story that he was given the approval by his sponsor and obtained a pass from sober living to come home. They believe that this is too soon and he is putting himself at risk to be surrounded by triggers during the holiday. While Ben's mother chooses to believe Ben, a series of unfortunate events begin to happen that cause her to start doubting on whether or not her son is telling the truth. The story ends with a less-than happy ending, but I wouldn't call it a "sad" ending. Translate that however you decide.

Julia Roberts does a PHENOMENAL job of playing Ben's Mother, Holly. She has that perfect combination of heartfelt trust bordering on naiveté, compassion bordering on enabling, strong motherhood but toeing that line of crumbling weakness. Even though his name is in the title, Hedges' performance as Ben takes a backseat to Roberts. This movie is more about her than it is about him. How does a mother handle a struggling addict son who is spiraling towards almost certain death? Don't get me wrong though, Hedges did a fantastic job as well. He had this ability to portray this multi-leveled performance? Is he lying, being deceptive or manipulative? Is he someone who is truly struggling to achieve sobriety? Or is it all just an act? I initially approached his character as lying from the very beginning, but by the end of the movie... I truly believe that he was an addict that was trying his best... he just wasn't listening to what advice other people had to give to him. He was living in his own head.

Although it was difficult to watch, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I found Hedges' portrayal of someone living in addiction to be pretty dang accurate. Mom found Roberts' portrayal of the mother of an addict to be very accurate. The phrases and conversations were spot-on and easy to identify. The events of the movie were incredibly heart-wrenching because I sat there, time after time, and thought to myself "yup, I've totally done these things to my family." The movie would probably have a rough time reaching those who don't have some sort of experience with addiction or a loved one in addiction. As I reflect on the movie, the main thing I'm not satisfied with is the ending. There really isn't a whole lot I want to say, because I don't want to ruin it, but it just wasn't... enough. Talk to me after you've seen it and we can discuss.

I, surprisingly, held it together for most of the film. There were only a few parts during the movie that I felt that lump in my throat, but I managed to keep my composure. After the credits started rolling and the lights came up, Mom looked at me... and then it hit me. I couldn't talk for about a minute, because it just would've exploded I'm afraid. We left the theater and had a sweet hug in the lobby. We realized we had gone through pretty much the same story, but realized that we are some of the lucky ones. I'm that rare exception. One of the few that is making it. I've found the answer and keep working towards it every day.

So, all in all, I give the movie a solid... 7.5 out of 10.

A Vision For Me...

Yeah, yeah, I know... the chapter is actually titled A Vision For You, but what can I say? I'm selfish. It's all about me (duh). As you could probably guess, the chapter lays out the possibilities of a life that you can find once you put down the bottle and start working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. "You will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." I don't know about you, but I think that sounds pretty dang good, especially compared to the life that I had been living before...

But that's the kicker... was life before really all that bad?!? What a dangerous thought. Mom and I were discussing how, here recently, I will occasionally actually miss my father. It is a weird feeling, considering I don't really have much positive to say about him right now. We worked out, that what it was that I was feeling was missing what was. I missed those positive memories I had with Dad many, many years ago. Even if I were to rekindle the relationship with him now, the likelihood of me recapturing or reliving those memories would be pretty slim to none. For me, the same goes for my days of drinking. Yes, there were PLENTY of amazing memories of times that alcohol was involved that I had great times with friends and family. But, the book is totally right that it wasn't like that near the end. The end of my drinking days were dark and depressing. The Big Book says it best... "the old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past."

I could honestly write a book about "the great moments." It took a time for me to really enjoy alcohol, but once I did... man, I LOVED it. Happy hour with coworkers, "pre-gaming" before going out with friends, working the political fundraisers... there were a LOT of really good memories. But I have to play that tape the whole way through. Out of the 12 years or so of my drinking career... how many of those were actually happy? Eventually, happy memories started to become tainted with not-so-happy conclusions. But I continued to drink, thinking that "this time will be different," or "I can live those happy days again!" But it never happened. It continued to get worse. There near the end, I didn't drink to find the release from care, boredom or worry. I drank to exist. I drank to feel numb and just be able to make it through the day. I felt like I was never going to be able to live without it.

I'm over a year sober now, and just celebrated my SECOND round of sober holidays. After an amazing Christmas, I find myself filled with that attitude of gratitude. Come to think of it, I think that vision WAS for me. Because my life DOES mean something at last. This was the best Christmas in many years. While I wasn't really looking forward to waking up so early, I was looking forward to getting to come into work today. I get to do something I enjoy. I'm pretty certain the most satisfactory years of my life lie ahead. I think I'm going to continue trudging along that Road of Happy Destiny.

Humility...

I absolutely love the progressive step study meeting at LLL on Thursday nights. It's usually all men, around 10 or so of us, and they range from somewhere around my age to probably in their late 60's to early 70's. The majority of them have plenty of sobriety under their belt, but occasionally someone comes in who is still newer to the program. Regardless of where they are, I love hearing different perspectives regarding the steps. There are plenty of times that I share my thoughts on a step, thinking that I have a pretty good grasp or understanding about what the original authors were trying to say. Then, once other people share THEIR thoughts on the step, most of the time I feel like I have to go back to square one. I don't mean that in a bad way whatsoever, it's just that it makes me realize that "nope, I think I may have been coming at that one all wrong, I think I need to try again."

Last night's meeting on the seventh step was definitely one of those meetings. Step seven reads "humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." I was one of the first to read and share, and my mind seemed to focus in on the word "shortcomings." I immediately thought of all of those character defects I carry around and have been for years. This program is teaching me to work on those and pray on the willingness to not rely on those anymore. I focused on how I'm learning to treat myself better and, in return, treat others better as well. I used to think soooooo lowly of myself. I was such a piece of garbage, a disappointment and not really worth any sort of effort or attention. Now I'm able to remind myself that those thoughts are not true and that I am WORTH it. I am doing the work to right my wrongs and re-build a "new and improved" John. I also know that I need to cut myself a lot of slack, I'm not perfect. As long as I acknowledge and understand that, as well as remain open and willing to learn... I'm exactly where I need to be.

While I wasn't necessarily incorrect, per se, the other guys in the meeting (for the most part) all honed in on the word "humbly" and therefore all talked about what humility is and what it means to possess humility. Everybody seemed to confess a not-so-sure understanding of what humility is, others discussed the idea that they think they knew what humility was... but had a real difficult time reaching it. I loved all of the honesty. One of the last guys shared the quote that I posted above, by C.S. Lewis. The idea just blew my mind. Everyone seemed to confuse the idea of humility with the idea of being a human doormat. That, in order to be humble, you had to lower yourself and grovel. Not the case, whatsoever. He continued on to talk about the idea that, even if you are the type that thinks you are pure garbage (such as myself,) you are still thinking about yourself. So your self-hatred and everything is still a form of arrogance. Say wha!? I had always associated the idea of arrogance with cockiness. "I'm the best at this or I'm better than..." If your head is filled with all these thoughts of yourself, negative OR positive, it leaves little to no room for anything or anyone else.

I need to continue to do better. Stay out of myself. Help others. Don't think highly of myself. Don't think lowly of myself. Think of someone else. Hmm... goals to strive for.

Extravagant Promises? We Think Not...

For a few days prior, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say when I finally stood behind that podium at LLL's birthday meeting. I knew I wanted to thank certain people, share certain experiences and definitely share with everyone what my life was like now. I went to sleep on Saturday night and, for whatever reason, had several continuous nightmares in which I relapsed over and over again. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I do remember feeling certain emotions. I felt anger, disappointment, confusion and definitely plenty of fear. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of knowing that this would hurt people all over again. I felt fear because I knew exactly where this was going to lead me. They were incredibly dark feelings. I knew that I wanted to share those feelings. I also wanted to share that, when I woke up, I was immediately overwhelmed with the feelings of joy and relief... it was all just a dream! I don't have to live that life anymore and I possess the tools to avoid ever having to feel those feelings after a relapse ever again.

I had a very rough draft version of what I was going to share rumbling around in my head. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as soon as they started singing and my sponsor handed me the flaming cupcake... things get a little fuzzy. I DO know that I almost lit my sleeve on fire. Luckily Shannon was paying closer attention to the candle than I was. After that, I got behind the podium and began to speak. I think I hit on some of the important parts that I wanted to share, but I know I COMPLETELY blanked on other important parts... like taking the time to thank certain people. Maybe it was for the best, because I might not have held it together as I went down the list. I also would've run the risk of accidentally leaving someone out and hurting feelings and I wanted to do ANYTHING but that. So, I decided to wrap everything up by sharing the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous with those in the crowd who weren't familiar with them. As I went line by line, I had the desire to expand on particular promises and add my own flair or flavor to them, but I wanted to keep them intact... until now:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...
I can say that I'm truly the happiest that I have been since... probably before my parents divorced. Yeah, life is FAR from perfect, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I have more than "acceptance" or "living life on life's terms," it's something more like "be happy with life, despite life's terms" or something like that... if that even makes sense.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
My past is a part of who I am. Without certain events playing out the way they did,  I wouldn't be exactly where I am today. I don't want to change where I am today. My past helps shape me and helps make me useful for people who have gone through or are going through the same types of situations.

We will comprehend the word serenity...
Not always easy, but becoming easier everyday. I don't feel like I'm as angry as often. If I DO get angry, I find it a lot easier to calm myself down.

And we will know peace...
I definitely want to get a STRONGER grasp on peace, but I think it's a lot better than it was before. I do struggle with anxiety, but rather than just drown it in vodka, I do know how to identify it and handle it more appropriately.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...
Kinda like I mentioned earlier, everything that I've done and all of those things that used to make me hate myself become my assets and makes me more attractive yet approachable to those who need help.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear...
I don't feel that overwhelming desire to isolate and withdraw from everything and everyone because "what can I add? I'll probably just be a nuisance." I can reach out to these guys at FIRSTEP, because I AM useful. I can try and help this understand different perspectives on step work. I can help them understand why Brent and the other staff might say or do certain things. I can be a listening ear if they need to talk. I can be a friend. I know what I have to offer. I don't feel sorry for myself because I CAN'T offer certain things or if I don't have certain things... that's just not meant to be. Why waste time on that?

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows...
While, yes, I do care for and am willing to do a lot of things for my brothers at Firstep, fellow alcoholics, friends, family and whoever... I am still selfish. This is a daily practice to try and stay out of my self and put myself out there, where I can be useful. Some days are easier or more successful than others. I can tell you one thing, no I really don't WANT to wake up early in the morning and go do stepwork with another alcoholic... but I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Of course, I would much rather sleep in. But I know my sponsor and plenty of others who would go out of their way to do those things for me. I should do that, too.

Self-seeking will slip away...
Yep. I'm not perfect, something that definitely still needs to be worked on. I do know that I try my best to not do these things for other people for dishonest reasons. I don't get out there and help or do whatever I can for some sort of praise or reward... I need to do those things because that's what good people do. I wanna be a good person.

Our whole attitude and outlook will change...
Some days yes, other days I think less than pleasant thoughts about various people, places and things that I can't control.

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us...
I'm working on it. I am very comfortable around MY people. I can interact with Firsteppers, even the newer guys that I don't know yet, very casually. I talk comfortably with strangers all the time. But, if you drop me into a new situation or surrounding, I still get uncomfortable and awkward. Economic insecurity has definitely left me. I'm broke. I know I'm broke. I'm ok with being broke. People will love me despite me being broke. My bank account may be worthless, but I'M not worthless.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...
This is ultimately a goal. I still feel like I ask a lot of questions. I think I'm beginning to get that intuition, but I doubt myself. I feel like I know what to do, but I still need to turn around and ask... "is that right?" Nothing wrong with that.

We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
I am in a pretty consistent state of awe these days. What I'm doing, HOW I'm doing and where I am right now defies all logical explanation. That can only leave some sort of divine intervention. I know, I know... it sounds cheesy. I took that first step and still take it daily. I admitted that I was powerless. I continue to believe in a Higher Power that will take care of me if I do the next right thing... and my God hasn't let me down. When I don't necessarily get the answers that I want, I try my best (and sometimes succeed) that God has a bigger/better plan and allow it to be worked out... so far it has.

...

As I thought through all of these now, especially the later ones that I feel like I'm still working on, the thought kept popping into my head "progress, not perfection." I don't really have any of these down packed, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on myself. I'm actually DOING the work instead of sitting idly by or resting on my laurels or whatever. I highly doubt I'll ever get it ALL down packed and part of me doesn't really want to. There is always something new to learn, a different perspective to take into consideration, a new story to listen to. So here is to another year! December 1, 2019... be there for my SECOND sobriety birthday celebration at LLL!