Turkey Day...

In the past, Thanksgiving has had a tendency to cause my thoughts and feelings to immediately go negative... and there is absolutely no reason why. I think I had some sort of totally unrealistic expectation that my family holidays should be a duplicate of a Norman Rockwell painting. While they may have been far from that imagery, my holidays have always been pretty positive experiences. I'm way more blessed than most people out there. I have an amazing family and I always end the night with an incredibly full belly.

This year, when I've been thinking back to these holidays that I've celebrated as an adult, I'm honestly overwhelmed with remorse and the desire to make amends to my family. If it was possible to make amends to a day in general, I totally would. It's frustrating to think of the years that I've wasted by focusing on the negative, what I didn't have, what someone wasn't doing right or wishing that someONE or someTHING was different. More often than not, my mind was totally distracted by the thought that this stupid family get-together was interrupting that much needed bottle of alcohol I had stored away somewhere at home.

Thanksgiving 2017 just scratched the surface of what a family holiday should be. My mind was preoccupied with what had just happened in the past few weeks, my very new and fragile sobriety, the fact that I would be leaving that Monday to spend six months at an inpatient rehab facility or just the gajillion other things going though my mind. Despite that, I did put forth a superhuman effort to enjoy my family. No matter how loud and rambunctious they would get, that was MY family. The holiday was pretty wonderful and was capped off with feelings of warmth, support and love as I shared with them my plans of going to FIRSTEP. Simply writing this paragraph made me get a little misty-eyed at the memories.

This Thanksgiving was truly pretty epic. We went out to my cousin Todd's house and celebrated with the Frankenfield side of my family. Megan was able to join us as we ate LOTS of food an just simply hung out. It really wasn't anything super fancy, it was just family hanging out on couches or around the kitchen and enjoying being with each other. I did get a lot of questions and my family saying how proud of me they were, but my favorite parts were talking about memories of the past or silly conversations like what places in Oklahoma City were supposedly haunted.

The word may be a little cliche'd and overused in the month of November, but I am truly very grateful for my life and my family.  I know not everyone is as fortunate or blessed as I am. I've taken it for granted for so long and I'm glad that it isn't too late for me to show action and the proper attitude that would make people say "hey, that John Cloud really loves his family..."

525,600 Minutes...

Those who are familiar with my story and/or have been following this blog (all like 2 or 3 of you lol) know that, for me, days don't get much darker than November 13, 2017. The reasons behind that weren't from some sort of national tragedy or anniversary of a horrible loss... it was all from my own doing. I had (once again) allowed my disease to completely take over, alcohol had taken precedence over everything and everyone in my life. I still thought I was "managing" and I still thought that I was in "control," but that drink had slowly taken over. It became very obvious to me while I was at work. Unfortunately, it became obvious to other people too... as well as the OUHSC Police Department. Even though I was completely under the influence, I managed to have an honest conversation with Officer Loggins and share my situation. She took those amazing steps to give me another chance at this sobriety thing.

It still wasn't over yet. As I laid on that cot, I thought long and hard about where I was and what had happened. Honestly, my first thought was more "flight" rather than "fight." My job was gone. My girlfriend was more than likely gone. My parents were going to be totally through with my crap. But I still don't want to stop drinking, so I might as well just run away. Try and find a way to make this excuse of a life work or die trying. Luckily, as I sobered up, I was able to sit there and think about how truly ridiculous and dangerous that train of thought was. Something had to change. I had to change. When Mom and Nick picked me up super early in the morning on November 14, 2017... the change had to start right then and there.

So, as I worked on myself and on my sobriety, I looked at November 14, 2018 as a goal. I knew it wasn't a "finish line," per se... as it was an important milestone. Months passed by and the goal inched closer, I started to think to myself "hey, you can actually do this!" My opinion of myself continued to get better and better. I wasn't the piece of scum that I once thought I was. I was worth fighting for. I'm a good person and I can be of use to those around me. That is how I began to occupy my time, by helping others in this program the best that I can.


Here we are one year and three days sober. I enjoyed hearing people say that they were proud of me and that I was doing a great job. Mom made me a special dinner and Megan made me special cupcakes. My boss and coworkers celebrated with me with a special gift and a sweet card. Just further examples of the fact that I got here because of people who cared for me and loved me along the way. I'll be honest and say that I DID enjoy the attention... but I'm super glad that we are back to just "another day." THIS is what I have worked for. My "normal" doesn't contain me being drunk, hung over or consumed by the thoughts of what had I done or how I was going to get my next drink. I get to look forward to things like dinners with friends, college football and planning the excitement that is right around the corner... the holidays!

The Keys of Willingness...

At the height of my "success," before my alcoholism really started to beat me down and the consequences started rolling in, I had a BIG keychain. PLENTY of keys. I had the key to my parents' home. I had a key to my own car, my own apartment and my very own office. I was trusted with keys to my office building as well as keys to the apartment of the girlfriend at the time. One of my favorite keys was my key to my home AA clubhouse, Live and Let Live. In my head, all of these keys showed a certain level of responsibility on my part and that their were plenty of people out there in the world that people trusted me.

When I started to turn away from AA, and think I could control my own life, those keys slowly started to disappear. When Robin and I broke up, I (of course) gave that key back to her. When I lost my job with the university, I had to give those keys back to the cranky HR lady. With no job, that meant I was going to have to move back in with my parents... so I had to give that apartment key back. At that point, I managed to be lucky enough to keep my car keys. But, I wound up eventually having to lose car keys as well. The only key that I've never lost or had to give up was the key to my parents' home, or what has been the key to MY home numerous times. I'm incredibly blessed and that just shows how my parents have never ever given up on me... and that's a whole other blog topic!

At one point in my sobriety, I had been trusted with the title of a trusted servant to my home clubhouse. Besides chairing meetings, I was in charge of making sure that we were appropriately stocked with various supplies. When I relapsed, I (of course) had to give up that position to someone who had the appropriate period of sobriety to be trusted with the job. However, LLL never asked me to give my key to the clubhouse up. I willingly, in an attempt to be hurtful, gave them the key back. It was my way of saying "I'm done with LLL and I'm certainly done with AA!" While I continued to go back to LLL for a few years after that incident, I was truly never the same. I had betrayed the trust of my home group and people who had become a second family to me. Even worse, I had built an imaginary wall in between me and LLL, making it to where they couldn't reach out to me and I couldn't reach out for them. Eventually, I told my sponsor that I needed a break from AA. I told him I didn't want to drink, but I knew in my heart that wasn't true... and I'm pretty sure he knew that, too.

My story continued to get a lot darker before it got better. While my family never left my side, I continued to lose/quit jobs and make handfuls of other really bad decisions. It was nearly one year ago when I finally found that bottom before I finally turned everything over and decided to take the next right step. Within 11 months, I feel like I've made a complete 180 and am finally moving forwards rather than backwards. I'm re-establishing relationships that I let grow stagnant as well as creating NEW relationships with some pretty amazing people. I have a phenomenal job. I am someone who is rebuilding the reputation of being someone who is reliable and trustworthy. To top all of that off... my key ring is full again. This month, I am entrusted with chairing the Thursday night meeting at LLL. Even if it is temporary, I've been given another chance with the key to the clubhouse. This means more to me than they might realize. To me, it symbolizes that dark moment where I turned my back on LLL and on AA is closed and in the past.

More importantly than even that, is I've gained that key of willingness. In the 12 and 12, it says that this program is only possible if we "pick up the key of willingness." They key is to a door that, once opened, opens us up to a world of endless possibilities. If I can just stay open to the idea that just MAYBE these people of AA know what they are talking about and be willing to do what they say, it only gets better. I'm the poster child of that. Because of this program my schedule is full. My heart is full. My key ring is DEFINITELY full, but there's always room for more...

No Opinion...

I've been in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for over seven years, so I'm definitely no stranger to the 12 steps. That being said, I have never really given them the attention or the respect that they deserve until this past year. I also tend to forget that AA has 12 traditions in addition to the steps. While the steps are in place to help an individual achieve long-term sobriety, the traditions are there to help make sure that AA groups and clubhouses can keep their doors open and focus on their ultimate purpose. They are there to help groups with how we should deal with money issues, how we should handle leadership and... most importantly... how to approach the more controversial aspects of everyday life.

I just realized that I've never really focused on the traditions before... because I've never really CARED about helping OTHER alcoholics to achieve THEIR sobriety... I was barely concerned about my own.

In the month of October, some groups focused on tradition 10. that states "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Wait... what? How are we supposed to do that?? Everyday, we are surrounded by important matters that involve politics, religion and controversial topics like LGBT rights. Whether you find yourself on the left or the right, we are encouraged to "fight" for what we believe in as right or wrong. We're supposed to take a stand, spread the word and help educate those who might not know or might be undecided.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am INCREDIBLY opinionated on pretty much everything. Best restaurants? I'll tell you. What movie you should see? Yeah, come ask me. Who you should vote for? You probably don't even have to ask me... I've probably already told you. Especially when you start jumping into political issues. I feel very strongly that I need to fight for what I believe in, otherwise this country and this society run the risk of becoming so toxic and scary and a place where I don't want to raise my soon-to-be children.

I'm not going to change. That's part of who I am, at my core. But even I have gotten to that point where I know that there is a time or place for me to state that people should ELECT DREW EDMONDSON FOR GOVERNOR. Sorry, that one slipped. Ultimately, I don't want to make it where I am unapproachable. Let's say a die-hard Kevin Stitt supporter comes through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. He should be able to reach out to me and I can do my best to try and share with him what was given to me. If one of my sponsees supports Kevin Stitt, and has the choice of either talking to me or going back out and drinking or using... I need to make sure that I am approachable regardless of political or personal opinion.

Donald Trump supporter? Of course I'm here to share with you my experience, strength and hope. Sheesh, if I had originally supported the man, I'd probably drink too. Oops, there I go again. I slipped.

All kidding aside, regardless of political affiliation, theological or philosophical opinions, favorite movie genre, thoughts on best restaurant or what direction you hang your toilet paper on the roll... I have learned from AA that...

"I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that, I am responsible."