TWO MONTHS!

So, more often than not, my desire to go to LLL on a Thursday night gets outvoted. When it DOESN'T get outvoted, usually something pops up - a "mandatory" community meeting, special guest speaker or something as simple as the driver changed his mind and decided to go to somewhere else (usually an NA meeting). Last week, we wound up not going because Jonas got SUPER sick before it was time to leave for the meeting. I mean, come on, I'm not THAT heartless to where I throw a fit because a man is too sick to drive me across town to the meeting of my choice?!

It has actually helped me understand and accept the fact that I don't always get what I want. It's SO much easier to just go with the flow or "flip over and float," than get all worked up and pissed off that things aren't going my way. Keeping that somewhat positive attitude towards it all helps that when things DO go my way, I'm extra appreciative and grateful.

Jonas started promising me on Wednesday night that we would go to the LLL meeting on Thursday. I smiled, said "awesome!" and nodded my head in agreement. Internally, I was choosing to have that "I'll believe it when I see it" stance. Throughout Thursday, it seemed as if things kept falling into place that were going to make it NOT happen... just as I predicted. He told us to be ready by 6:30, I was ready by 6:15. I went to the office and was given a note from Jonathan saying that it was going to be closer to 6:45-6:50 before he'd be able to leave. A-HA! I KNEW IT! I was going to be right once again. But lo and behold, at around 6:50 Jonas whipped around the corner and picked us up with not a second to spare.

Roger, one of the other guys on the bus called out to me and was telling me how he had never seen Jonas push the limits like that before when it came to legal driving skills and potentially tip-toeing over the speed limit. "He just kept saying that he made a PROMISE to you and that he wasn't going to break it again!" I couldn't help but have the warm fuzzies on the inside, Jonas was working his tail off to make sure that I got a chance to go to my home group, and I hadn't even had the opportunity to tell him the reason as to why I wanted to go so bad (this week especially). Last Sunday was actually my TWO MONTH-iversary of being sober. We remember from LAST month that I didn't get my chip in an actual meeting, so I was REALLY hoping I'd get to for this month.

The meeting was great, I got to see a lot of my people: Phillip, Charlie, Jerry, Shannon and Spencer. It was an awesome FULL house. The meeting was over the eighth step. I was even able to share! Jonas called on me! I talked about how, even though I was on the fourth step, I had worked an eight before. This time around was different because I was starting to see people that were on my fourth step list before, but that they are no longer there. I was hopeful that this meant that I was taking much more responsibility for my actions and NOT holding resentments against people for them... That being said, just because they are no longer on my fourth step list, doesn't mean they disappear from my eighth step list as well. It doesn't change the fact that I have wronged these people and need to make my amends. At "halftime," I even managed to get my chip! A couple of days late, but hey, it's the thought that counts. I said that I was only able to do it with the help of God, my friends and family, my sponsor and the awesome guys at FIRSTEP.

I'd say I was in a pretty good mood on the way back home, I know I definitely expressed my thanks to Jonas. I said THANK YOU to him about a dozen times and bought him a big Dr. Pepper from Oncue. I know it's difficult to be around 70 guys and hear 70 different opinions or suggestions on where to go or what to do. I AM grateful that he picks mine every once and a while. I hopefully can make sure that I'm not one of those little whiney punks that complains when he DOESN'T pick mine...

It's The Best Medicine...

How can this video NOT make you laugh?! Moreso than the actual content of his jokes, Anderson Cooper's laugh and his complete inability to control his laughter is funnier than anything else in the video.

Over the last 55 days, I've changed. The most obvious change, of course, is that I'm completely and 100% sober... physically, mentally and spiritually. Another is my openness and willingness. I accept advice from people I would've previously scoffed at or volunteered to do chores/tasks that would otherwise make my stomach turn. I'm trying my best to make gratitude an essential part of my life and be grateful for everything that I have and everything that I'm experiencing. I'm growing to be able to enjoy life. Life is GOOD. Just because I'm not winning the lottery (maybe someday...) or have all of my wants fulfilled right NOW, things are still really awesome. I'm happy, I'm somewhat healthy, my NEEDS are definitely met, I have a roof over my head and a very full belly. Unlike a lot of people, I have friends and family who love me and want to see me succeed.

The other night, I was coming home from a long and frustrating evening in the office. It was one of those rare (they haven't happened often since being at FIRSTEP) where I've found myself cranky and not really wanting to talk or deal with people in general. I could feel that desire seeping back in, to crawl into some dark hole and just enjoy some quiet time. When I opened the door to my dorm, even though it was fairly late, the room was full of life. The guys were all up and around, having a good time. A couple of new guys were getting settled in and chatting with some of the older guys about their experiences here so far. I was pulled into several conversations and, within a minute or so, found myself laughing so hard that I began to cry. I was cracking silly jokes, enjoying some fun horseplay and just being goofy. I wasn't some hopeless, lifeless alcoholic that was confined to some cold and sterile rehab center without a soul. I was with friends, guys who were quickly becoming my family and enjoying LAUGHTER. We weren't worried about court situations, money problems or any of the issues that got us here in the first place.

I was just about to write something along the lines of making it a possible SIXTH suggestion or even a 13th step when I remembered that someone already beat me to the punch... in AA, they will often refer to "rule 62," which is "don't take yourself too seriously." Yeah, there are plenty of things in life that are super serious and we need to face like adults, but there is absolutely NOTHING in the Big Book against enjoying a little bit of silliness now and again...

A Life That Burns...

I'll be completely honest and tell you that, since coming to FIRSTEP back in November, I'm really happy. Things seem to be going really well and the puzzle pieces are (so far) falling into place. Even if I wrack my brain thinking about it, I honestly can't produce any person/place or thing that's bothering me right now. I'd say the closest I get to feeling melancholy or down at this point, happens when I lay down at night. Bedtime is a slow process in our dorm. First, the overhead lights go off, but the TV stays on. Then, after about 30 minutes, the TV gets turned off. Finally, the last few guys finish what they're doing and get into bed. You have a minute or two of cross-dorm chatter, the occasional chuckle of laughter and then everyone succumbs to that feeling of "ah, man! Today was a day! I'm super tired!" After that, it get's super quiet very quickly as people fall asleep. I'll lay there for a bit and miss my family or my girlfriend or my dog. In the beginning, I would occasionally drift into a little bit of self-pity or mentally beat myself up over the stupid decisions I've made in the past. Luckily, even back then, I knew to get out of that mindset super quick. It can get kinda lonely in that bunk, even in a room full of 39 other guys. Eventually, my eyes start getting heavier and the hum of my fan lulls me off to sleep.

I am incredibly blessed to have a pretty big group of people cheering me on... my former boss, plenty of family, friends and my awesome girlfriend who support me and want nothing but the best for me. Then, when I got here to FIRSTEP, I gained about 70 residents and staff members who cheer me on and want me to succeed. As I go about my days, I think of all of them on a very regular basis. It's hard to feel down and alone knowing I have that sort of support system in my corner. So I've been able to chug along for the last 46 days with a fairly consistent smile on my face. My heart is full, my belly is DEFINITELY full and my mind is buzzing with a newfound confidence in the current decisions I'm making.

Yesterday was my day off and I would USUALLY poke around the campus and find a quiet spot to write or whatever. It was CRAZY cold yesterday, so that poking around was limited to mainly indoor locations. I was chatting with Ron and a few of the other guys in the kitchen, when I noticed this big FAT cardinal sitting in the bare tree outside of the chow hall. I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick pic (see above). I'm surprised that it came out so clearly, considering I took it from the other side of a really dirty window! I posted it on Facebook and Instagram and was thinking about what I had heard about what cardinals represent. I remember what Mom told our friend Kelly, after she had tragically lost her mother in an accident. She said that cardinals are said to be a messenger from "the other side." That, when a deceased loved one wants you to know that they are there, they send a cardinal. Their colors and chirps easily grab your attention and say “hey! Look at me!” Since then, I've loved the thought of being able to tell when we might have visitors from the afterlife.

So, maybe the bright fat cardinal sitting in that tree was someone coming to check in on me? One person that I think about frequently is MY Meme (not to be confused with my nieces' and nephews' Meme...aka, my mom). My Meme was my maternal grandmother and quite possibly the best person I ever met. The coincidence is not lost on me that tomorrow, the 13th, will be the 22nd anniversary of when Meme passed away from her long fight with brain cancer. Before she died, Meme was a HUGE important part of so many lives, including mine. She was bright and vibrant, just like that cardinal. I could tell SO many stories, but that is another (at least one) blog entry to itself... It made me smile and definitely warmed up my insides to think of her checking up on me and hoping that she'd be proud of the progress that I was making.

On top of that, I googled cardinals and came across this quote that applied perfectly: "Cardinals represent the warmth, the life and energy. A cardinal may symbolize the fire of life that burns within our souls, even in the darkest and coldest times. It reminds us we need to stay strong and positive throughout difficult periods in our life, just as red bird endures the cold winter days." Considering it was painfully cold outside yesterday, it applied to my life. Like I previously mentioned, I don't really consider this a DIFFICULT period... but that can change at the drop of a hat. Regardless of whether I'm riding the all-natural high of that "pink cloud" or truly struggling and white-knuckling it... it's important for me to stay strong and positive.

With all of these new thoughts and feelings swirling around in this big head of mine, I felt more support than I ever have before. I felt as if Meme (and who knows who else might have visited?!) was with me and cheering me on, telling me to keep up the good work. I left the chow hall with a huge smile on my face, a PB&J sandwich in one hand and a Diet Dr. Pepper in the other. I used my foot to nudge open the back door to the chow hall so I could head back to the dorm. As the door swung open, on the small patch of grass in front of the chow hall, had to have been at LEAST 20 bright red cardinals trying to find some lunch in the brown grass. Their search had been interrupted as they all flew off to the other side of the gravel road. It happened in this beautiful, ethereal slow motion. I stayed outside and watched them for as long as I could, but it was just too dang cold outside. I've kept my eyes open to see if I could find them since then, but they haven't turned up. Somehow, I still know that Meme is watching and giggling her cute giggle, happy to see that her grandson is finally turning his life around...

Playing the Tape Through...

I took my very first drink (outside of the sip from the wine chalice at church) on the evening of my 21st birthday. My brother Matt bought me a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat Beer (or whatever it's called) and while I wanted to enjoy it and appreciate the gesture, it tasted like soggy bread. Blech. Not necessarily my cup o' tea. The following weekend, a big group of coworkers took me out to "Emerson Biggin's" for drinks, bar food and pool. My boss' wife bought me my first mixed drink, a "sex on the beach." It was considerably better, but I still just wasn't head over heels with what booze had to offer. This justified my opinion that alcohol just wasn't very good and that my 21st birthday wasn't going to be that big of a deal.

Next, one of my coworkers bought me a simple "rum and Coke." Ya know, this was a step in the right direction. It's not too bad! It tastes pretty much just like regular Coke. Still, I hadn't heard the seas part and the angels singing. It wasn't until a week or so later when my friend bought me a "vodka seven." Just simple seven up and vodka. Now, THIS is more like it!!! It was from a bar called "Tramp's" where they serve "big girl drinks," which is just basically another way of saying REALLY heavily poured drinks. More bang (and booze) for your buck. These drinks were a-ok and I soon learned that I liked the effect that these not-so-little concoctions had on my personality and my mind. It seemed like everyone else liked it too, so why not just keep on going?!

It's over 10 years later and, even in my current situation, I can look back at all of that and get the warm fuzzies. I can frequently remember when times were REALLY good and alcohol played an integral role in that part of my life...

 I remember my first trip to Washington D.C. with Steve, Al, Jim and a few others. Right from the start, it involved a lot of drinking... but it was fun! There was plenty of hob-nobbing with important and "shee-shee" people, mixed in with very expensive food and very expensive alcohol that I did not have to pay for. We stayed in a very expensive hotel that I didn't have to pay for. I think there was the expectation that I was going to attend some of these seminars at the conference, but instead, I went out and played tourist and visited the cool sites of D.C. I would ride the subway and feel like a real, civilized, cultured adult rather than the introverted, awkward kid that I usually felt like at home. In the evenings, there would be after-parties or dinners that we would attend. The alcohol flowed freely, which SEEMED fun but led up to some behavior that I can look back at now and shake my head. It's definitely "tsk, tsk" worthy...

Whether it was PRIDE parade weekends, parties over at friends' apartments, dates, the SECOND trip to D.C. or the trips to San Francisco and San Diego, I have plenty of amazing memories about my early-to-mid twenties. Almost all of them contain copious amounts of alcohol. I could easily use those to glorify the act of drinking. But, before too long, the good memories started to get tainted with little "oopsie's" or unfortunate incidences where I'm taking it just a weeeee bit over the line. That moral boundary gets pushed just a skosh further out.

Minor oopsie's like letting flirtatious behavior go a little too far or getting into an argument with someone you shouldn't, but could usually be smoothed out by the next day. Then came the unfortunate incidences like an overnight stay in Payne County jail. It was ONLY for a "public intox." Not a huge deal, but still heavily frowned upon by those in the legal communities. But, even then, where was I that night after I left Stillwater? Back in the bars with my friends, brushing it off as something that was somehow the fault of the police officers on duty...

Those oopsie's and unfortunate incidences quickly disappeared and were replaced with life-changing and horrendous events that will forever change who I am as a person. My legal problems grew even LARGER. I had to hire an attorney, for crying out loud. I lost relationships with friends and family. People didn't want to be around me because my drinking had become an issue. It was destroying my health. I went to the ER numerous times and even spent the night in the hospital for "observation" for severe dehydration. I lost jobs, either directly or indirectly due to this disease. I've lost thousands upon thousands of dollars because of this. I've cost my family thousands and thousands of dollars, not to mention the countless tears that have been shed.

Little did I know, when I was enjoying that "big girl drink" at Tramp's with Kindra, that it was going to explode into this out-of-control situation...

Occasionally, my mind likes to pull up those good memories or occasions when it was "ok" for a drink to try and justify or rationalize my brain into a corner... "Oh, you want to just stay in and watch a few movies by yourself tonight? Remember when you would add some bagel bites and some Svedka to that? Now THAT is how you really need to unwind..." or "Remember when you used to hob-nob with the beautiful people? Maybe if you started some of your old behaviors, those people would return..."

If I'm going to press the play button and restart some of these old behaviors and pick up that bottle again, yeah, I MIGHT experience some good times again. But they won't be long enough. Before too long, I'll be back to where I was before FIRSTEP... or even worse. I have to play this tape all the way to the end. Much like some of my favorite indie movies, that story doesn't have a happy ending. However, I can choose to put in a different tape altogether...

Freedom From Bondage...

Since coming to FIRSTEP and working with my sponsor, I've buzzed through steps one through three pretty easily. Before tackling the ominous step number four, we hit the brakes and Shannon and I agreed that we should approach the task differently this time. I know that I've done this step at LEAST twice before, but I don't want this to be like other times. I really feel like I want to come at it head-on, with both hands and feet as well... I'd even borrow hands and feet from other people if I thought that it would make a difference!

When you read the main literature for Alcoholics Anonymous (the BIG BOOK), "they" always say that you'll start to identify with passages, feel that similarity and even swear that some of these passages had even been written for you. Over the past seven years, and who knows how many umpteen times I've read that book, of course I've felt somewhat like that. I could read a certain portion or story and be like "hmm... yeah! I can definitely identify with that!" But that definitely changed the other day. Part of the reading Shannon wanted me to do before going on to actually WRITING out my fourth step was to read certain areas out of the Big Book and the 12 and 12. When reading the chapter called "Freedom From Bondage," I finally had one of those moments where I was like... "whoa. This is totally spot-on when it comes to describing me." It goes like this:

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all. I realize now that this phase of my development had been arrested by my obsession with self, and my egocentricity had reached such proportions that adjustment to anything outside my personal control was impossible for me. I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and the ones who drank as I did. It became more and more necessary to escape from myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could."

**MIND BLOWN**

I can honestly say that I haven't ever read another passage and be this wholly just... whoa. I know, that's not very eloquently spoken, but I'm not sure how to make it much more clear. It explains the lack of emotional maturity, the self-pity and it explains the fact that it stemmed from this overwhelming shame and self-hatred...

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all." - I used to get SO pissed when Mom would make statements like this. She'd say something along the lines of how I haven't really matured much past my early 20's when alcohol took hold of my life. Once again, she was very right. I can look back at it now and see that the way I handled things was so skewed and that I was way too self-involved. I may have hated myself, but I had this ego to be constantly thinking of no one else other than me...

"I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and ones who drank as I did." - Oh so very, very true. It's so PAINFULLY true. The sad thing is, it didn't stop there. My behavior, combined with that self-pity and resentment, even pushed this very small group of people who I felt understood me as far away as possible. In my (hopefully) last days of drinking, it was all alone. I was either locked away in my apartment and blinds closed with an uncomfortably large cup full of vodka in front of me or I was around people and emotionally locked away in my lies and deception. Yeah, I may be around people, but please don't ask me what's in my cup or how I'm truly feeling inside.

"It became more and more necessary to escape myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could." - I liked to rationalize the drinking. It was because I was celebrating (insert seemingly proper good news to celebrate here) or because I had a horrible day (insert appropriate rough news about relationships, jobs, life in general here). It provided enough social lubricant to get me out there amidst the public or it calmed my nerves after rough days so I could relax and unwind at home. In all honestly, I was always just ashamed of who I was becoming and hated thinking about it. "Hey, I hate myself, so you probably hate me too... maybe if I drink, I'll become more likable."

See?! I told you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up the pieces of my mind that's been blown all over the place...

2018: The Year Ahead...

Happy New Year! This should be known as the "Year of the Rehab," considering we'll be halfway through 2018 by the time I graduate from the FIRSTEP Program. How would the first six months of this year have gone, had I decided to take a different path on November 13th of last year? I can run all sorts of scenarios through my head of "what could have been," and none of them are GOOD scenarios. This is the best possible decision I could've made. It, combined with my past experiences, will position me in a place to actually make something of my life and bring some positive potential to 2018. I highly doubt I'll be some sort of multi-gazillionaire. But, even if I don't find myself with a large bank account, this program is teaching me gratitude for what I DO have. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I don't need to compare my life to other people or try and compete with my brothers on who is the "most successful." Who defines what "success" is, anyway?!

How would I define 2018 as a successful year?? I thought it would be fun to do it Letterman-style in a "TOP TEN" format. So, here it is! My "TOP TEN GOALS for 2018!"

Number ten! I am a through-and-through MOVIE buff. Everyone knows that. For crying out loud, I own over 600 DVD's. In the past few years, it seems that the majority of my budget was eaten up by purchasing certain adult beverages on a very regular basis. One luxury in my life that was sacrificed because of this was going out to see movies. I used to LOVE going to the theater and watching a movie in a dark room with a massive screen and an impressive sound system. Nothing can compare to that, I don't care what kind of equipment you have at home! I used to see at LEAST one movie a week or so. I had a massive box that I kept of all of my ticket stubs. But, when liquor nudged its way into my life, it pushed movies out of the "affordable" column. Hey, I might as well drink at home and watch a movie I already own, versus going out to the theater. Well! Not anymore! I want that to change this year!!!

Number nine! I want to go on a road trip!!! This definitely falls under the WANT category and not the NEED category, so this one might be a stretch for 2018. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant or a super-long distance. I would just love to get behind the wheel and go somewhere that's not normal. Maybe another trip to Waco with the girls? I would LOVE to get to take my favorite trip to Denver, but that's pretty dang extravagant. Hell, the road trip might be to Sulphur Springs or Tulsa or to one of those "trunk shows" that Mom and I like to go to. But, in order to take a road trip, I would definitely need...

Number eight! A car. I want a car. I NEED a car. I miss that feeling of freedom of getting behind the wheel, opening the sunroof (will I have another sunroof? who knows...) and turning on some great music and then just going for a drive. I LOVE meaningless driving. Do I want to turn left or right? Maybe I'll just go forward! That freedom of having a car is beyond comparison and I miss it ever so much! I abused that power before by using the freedom to take certain side trips and hide certain items in my vehicle. Once I'm spiritually fit enough and my credit improves enough, I want that set of keys in my hand.

Number seven! Speaking of credit... I'm really hoping that, once I'm on the right path and getting everything put back together, that I'll get on top of my bills and my CREDIT. I need to make sure that I'm working on getting it to go back UP. I know that I've had to take necessary actions that have had negative consequences on my credit. I didn't WANT to, but I had to in order to get the help I needed and start a program of recovery. I'll get back on top of the bills, my student loans and all that jazz.

Number six! After I have that graduation certificate from FIRSTEP in my hand, I need to re-start the process of finishing up my ACTUAL education. I saved all of my e-mails about the re-starting the admission process at OU so I can pick that back up when I leave here and go back out into the "real world." Hopefully, by the end of 2018, I'll finally have that diploma from OU I've been striving towards for so damn long!

Number five! Sometime shortly after my birthday, I need to start the process of looking for an actual job where I make more than $15 every two weeks. Something, hopefully with health insurance. I don't necessarily want to get a job that would be a career right NOW, but something that can help me get back on my feet and on the road to somewhat normalcy. Even though I don't graduate from the FIRSTEP program until the end of May, I think if I start about a month before, I think that should give me plenty of time to nail something down by May 29th.

Number four! I'm going to try my best to be as open and willing as possible. Life is an adventure. I want to be open to trying new foods, new activities, new foods. I want to be open and willing to do things to help other people, even if it means doing stuff that I don't necessarily WANT to do. Now, don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I'm going to become Jim Carrey's character from the movie "Yes Man," and not ever have the ability to say "no," but I definitely need to learn to say "yeah, sure!" more often...

Number three! I would love to embrace the spirit of GRATITUDE for 2018. Life as a whole seems to be so much easier when you look at it from the optimistic perspective of my glass being half full and that I am truly blessed. That means being grateful, even though I'm not a multi-gazillionaire. Be grateful for the job, for life, for sobriety and/or for family. Does this mean that I'll always be the annoyingly chipper guy that you want to kick in the shin for being so joyful? It's highly doubtful. I know I'll have bad days, I know I'll be irrationally grumpy. I'm only human. But I'm going to truly strive to be as positive as possible. That gratitude is infectious, if I'M happy... it's easier to make YOU happy.

Number two! In 2018, I want to continue to improve my relationships with friends, family and people around me. I want to remind my family of that sober John that they know and love. I want to show Megan that the John she dated for six months was kinda crummy and that I have the potential for SO much more. I want the people that I meet from here on out to have nothing but positive thoughts and opinions about my personality and my character. "That John Cloud is a REALLY good guy."

...and my NUMBER ONE goal for 2018 is, of course, continued sobriety! It will start with me making sure that I do what's necessary to "keep the plug in the jug" for today. If all goes according to plan, I'll take the next right step and try this sober thing out again tomorrow, too. Once I'll string along consecutive days of deciding that I do not want to drink, I'll eventually reach the pinnacle of ONE YEAR on November 14, 2018. Then I can continue on to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate New Year's Eve with the people I love. I'll wrap up 2018 without taking a single drop of alcohol.

In the past, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. Considering my half-attempts and laziness tends to lead to failure and falling short pretty early on. For me, failure has a tendency to fuel my self-hatred. The only way that I can stop those feelings of self-loathing is to drown them with alcohol. Thus, starting that awful circle over again. This year, however, is going to be MUCH different. These are just simple suggestions. Half-attempts aren't even going to be an option for me this year. Like I mentioned, I'm usually HOPEFUL for a new year, like "gee, I hope this year doesn't suck..." In 2018, I'm actually EXCITED for what is in store. I don't know, I just have a good feeling...