The Hotline...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve lays it out there, pretty plain and simple. Once we "have it," we are supposed to turn around and give it away to the next struggling alcoholic or addict. I've said it many times, but I'll say it again... this time around, it has been step twelve that has made all of the difference in the world when it comes to my sobriety. I surrendered and asked for the help, and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous were there for me. They loved me until I could love myself. They showed me the way to solid ground. Once on solid footing, I stay sober today by (trying) to show the next alcoholic that same path and showing them that same empathy and love.

I've worked the twelfth step by chairing meetings, continuing to stay involved at FIRSTEP, by my work at Specialized Outpatient Services and by choosing to share my story on Facebook. Until this weekend, I had never taken a single 12th step call from the Intergroup hotline. Becky (my supervisor/friend/fellow AA'er) was answering the hotline on Saturday night and thought of me. She passed this man's information along to me. It totally made a great day even better. I think I had a positive impact on the man, at least I hope I planted that seed.

Before I go into that story, I've since learned that the hotline comes in two parts. There is the actual part where you are the person answering the hotline. You man the phone one night a month from 6 PM to 7 AM. You answer basic questions and can give the standard AA info. If you come across someone who needs to talk or needs a ride, you have the 12th step list. That is the second part. People who sign up for the 12th step list say that they are available at any time to talk to someone who needs someone to talk to about how to stop drinking. Since Saturday, I've signed up for both. I'm now answering the hotline every 5th Wednesday of the month (which happens like 3 times a year, but oh well) and I'm on the 12th step list to call people when needed.

Back to the main part of the story. I won't really go into the nitty gritty details of the story, but this was a man a lot like me. A part of him wanted the program, but he had never been able to string that much time sober together. He was quite sensitive like I was, where if someone even LOOKED at me the wrong way, that gave me a reason to go out and drink. He managed to get a little bit of time, but found himself in a situation where someone said something that made him want to jump off the beam. We had a really good conversation. It ended with him telling me, "thank you. Because of you, I'll stay sober tonight." That felt really good.

He went on to tell me that he wasn't sure about staying sober the next day, but I told him neither was I. Something could happen tomorrow that could make me want to drink, and I'm sure there are some liquor store owners that would LOVE to see me back. We both chuckled. But it was totally true! He may have been "closer," considering he already had the bottle... but I have that same sickness. I could've gone some wonky news or someone said something to me that could shoot me off the deep end and into the nearest bar. Luckily, it didn't happen.

We talked again some more the next day. Sadly, I think he probably did go out and drink. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet. Maybe he hadn't found that bottom. I pray he finds it soon and it isn't too hard of a bottom. I hope he remembers my name and my number and that I was a compassionate person that didn't judge. I know that I did what I could, my job is to carry the message... not to carry the alcoholic. So I'm ready and willing to take the next call and the one after that.

Conscious Contact...

It was suggested to me early on that a good way to start the day was to pray to your Higher Power (whatever that might be) and pray for help to stay sober throughout the day. So, it would also make sense that I should pray to my H.P. at the END of the day and thank Him/Her/It/Whatever and show gratitude for staying sober that day. I learned from the eleventh step that I have a much better shot at staying sober if I maintain a conscious contact with my H.P. throughout the day. We "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Of course, MY H.P. is the progressive, understanding and loving God that I was introduced to in the Episcopal Church and I believe has been with me through the good times and the bad. While I'm not necessarily a stereotypical "hit your knees" and pray type of guy, I do find it important to open that channel with God first thing in the morning. I can most definitely tell the difference in my mood and my behavior when I don't or have maybe skimped on the time or effort that I put into my morning prayer. You can call it prayer or meditation or whatever you want, but my time with God tends to be more conversational. Usually I turn on the shower and start with the thoughts of my day ahead. I think about things I have going on and what I need to do. I think of things I need to change in my behavior or attitude from the day(s) before. I think about how I can be the most useful to the people around me. Don't get me wrong, that sounds incredibly impressive all typed out, but it isn't always that way. Some days I figure the most useful I will be is to stay out of people's way or keep to myself because my piss-poor attitude needs to change before I can help others.

I try to keep the conversation going throughout the day. More often than not, life happens and the not-so helpful thoughts pop in. Most of the time, they are just selfish thoughts that are more consumed with money or whatever it is that I can do to further my own cause. I recently heard in a meeting that our minds were MADE to think and that I should just allow it to happen, but not grab on to the thoughts. Let it drift in and then let it drift right out. That makes a lot of sense, because I can be in the middle of some quiet time and I'll all of a sudden remember something else more pressing and urgent and then I get distracted until I complete that more urgent task or follow the other thought through to the end. Acknowledge the thought and that it is there, set it off to the side and continue on with the quiet time. That other stuff can wait.

When I finally crawl into bed, instead of thinking about all of the stuff that needs to be done, I try to stop and think about all the things that have been accomplished. Not just for that individual day, but for the last 20 months. I definitely don't toot my own horn, because I don't see it as being JUST me, but SO many things have changed and improved. I take the time to pray and meditate on that and give gratitude to God for getting me there and continuing to help me stay in a place where I can continue to get stuff done for myself AND to be useful to others. "Let the gratitude overflow into blessing all around you. THEN it will really be a good day."

TRUE Surrender...

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog on what I thought the difference between "compliance" and "surrender" would be. When it comes to my sobriety, I believe that it is important to know how to wholly surrender rather than just be compliant in some sort of program. I feel that if I'm compliant, I'm some sort of zombie or automaton (ooh! good word!) just doing the bare minimum without putting much thought or feeling into what I'm doing or why. If I'm surrendering, I'm putting my heart into it. I'm giving up and following the advice of someone else because I simply can't do what I've been doing anymore.

It's been about a month or so since a close friend of mine relapsed. After he went back out, it seemed like he came right back and wanted to get the help. That didn't last too long before I think he went right back out again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this point, I'm not sure he knows either. I think I did what I could, but now I just feel like I have to step back and let him hit bottom or do SOMETHING on his own. It sucks. I don't want to. I want to help, but I really can't.

This past weekend, I was having a conversation with a current Firstepper who knows many of the guys that I went to Firstep with. As we talked and I asked how these guys were doing, it seemed like more guys were relapsing than were actually making it. Some of these guys were truly surprising because they were guys that I looked up to and thought of them as people who had programs that I wanted to emulate. I know it's not a competition, but I would frequently think of some of these guys as doing this thing "better" than I was. It's definitely disappointing to find out that something stopped working along the way and that these guys thought drinking/using was a better alternative again.

I thought of one guy in particular. This guy didn't live at Firstep while I was a resident out there, but he was out there when I was teaching the Step Action class. Since I (admittedly) wasn't exactly the BEST teacher in the world, I would rely on him frequently to share his thoughts and explanations on certain steps or readings. It definitely didn't take me long to realize that what he shared wasn't some filler that was meant to take up time, he actually knew his stuff and he shared from the point of view of someone who had been through some shit and was doing what was necessary to stay sober. This guy may have had less sober time than I had, but he could definitely teach me a thing or two.

But something happened... I started looking on his Facebook page and saw posts about "staying true to yourself" or various other self-reliance quotes. I was thinking to myself that, yes, it is important to stay true to who you are... but you have to be careful with that. It's important to not forget who you are and to remember what you bring to the table. Those thoughts of self-reliance, however, can be a double-edged sword. What you're essentially saying is that only you have the answer and only you can fix your problems. Eh. If it was up to me, I'd still be pretty damn broken.

I need to remember that I can't do this alone (as much as the introvert in me would like to) and that I most definitely do not have all the answers. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to be able to forgive myself and ask for the help to know how to live a better life. I have to know how to truly surrender, give up all of my old crap that I'm holding on to and try something new. Surrender doesn't mean losing (at least not in this example), it means that maybe someone else has a better idea of what to do and how to live.

The Parking Lot...

A few nights ago, I was parked in one of the stalls at the Sonic on 19th street and enjoying what would probably be my last Oreo chocolate shake for a while (damn diet). I just happened to glance across Telephone Road over to the Walmart parking lot. It was pretty full, probably the usual for a Friday night. For some reason, instead of having the standard thought of "man I hate Walmart," the parking lot stirred up a totally random memory of a conversation that I had with a friend many years ago.

Let's rewind around 12 or 13 years ago. High school wasn't too distant of a memory. I was in college at the time, but I definitely don't think I had any "adulthood" in me. Life hadn't yet gone downhill, that's for sure. I hadn't moved out of my parents' home yet, but I had a good job and a nice car. A friend of mine, who I'll leave his name out for the sake of privacy, was having a rough go of life. He and his wife had gotten REALLY messed up in drugs and, from what I can remember, she seemed to be ready to clean up her act before he was. This resulted in them going their separate ways. When this happened, she moved to Kansas City and totally disappeared from contact. This was before Facebook or Messenger, so it's like she fell off the face of the earth. The last thing I heard was that she was working for some gas station...so sad, she had such potential. This left my friend here in Oklahoma, with pretty much nowhere to go. He had burned plenty of his bridges, which is definitely not an uncommon thing to do for us alcoholics or addicts. His home had become the back of his beat up old Saturn, which was parked in the parking lot of a Walmart.

I don't really remember the conversation. I was still super young, so I doubt I had anything useful or helpful to bring to the table. I do remember having this annoying feeling of moral or ethical superiority. I felt sad for him and scared that something would happen to him, but I was also unwilling to put myself out to do anything about it. I was leaning against my nice car as he sat on the trunk of his beige Saturn. I remember thinking "here you have this bright, young man. He may not have been a Rhodes scholar or anything, but he had potential." I believed in him. This jerk is throwing it all away because he chooses drugs over his family, friends and future. Long before I knew about the disease of addiction, I judged this young man for making these horrible choices, as if he had any choice to begin with. When we started high school together, he was probably a few rungs higher on the social ladder than I was. A "jock" type who came from a wealthier family. I probably never would've interacted with the guy had it not been for his wife, who was actually a good friend of mine when they started dating. Somehow, he and I clicked. We became friends. When his wife completely and totally vanished from the picture, he and I (gladly) kept in touch... at least for a while.

From what I remember, he continued to struggle for quite some time. My life continued to get better and better. As he declined and I made my way up the social ladder, he disappeared. He would pop onto my radar every once and a while, and I would TRY to maintain some sort of constant contact with him, but it would never last long. The years passed and from what I understood he kept trying to improve, but would face setbacks. We all know that, eventually,  my climb up that ladder abruptly stopped and I took a steep nose dive. Call it karma or whatever, but I soon became the same person that I judged him for being. I was "choosing" alcohol over my family, friends and future. I threw away all potential I had.

This awesome guy reached out to me a few weeks ago and seems to be totally on the right track. Surprisingly, he and I are on the same track. He found those 12 steps and is working towards long term sobriety. From what it sounds like, life is good for him. I look forward to sharing our stories of where our addictions took us. However, I know ONE thing has definitely changed. I don't look down on him. He and I are definitely equals. I try to not look down on anyone. I'm no better or no worse. We're all on our own journeys.

Health Run Riot...

First of all, calm down. My health is just fine... for now. I'm blessed that I really haven't experienced very many negative issues with my health for quite some time, despite my TOTAL lack of self-care and motivation to do ANYTHING healthy for myself. What I really meant by the title was more along the lines of weight run riot...but that didn't carry quite the same punch as health. So, there you have it.

It was exactly five months ago today that I last weighed in for Weight Watchers. What did I weigh in at that point? None of your damn business. It was shortly after that meeting that my life jumped on that rollercoaster and I started to experience all those not-so-fun job changes (and the financial changes that come with it). After my position went part time, WW was one of the first things to go, for the sake of saving a few pennies. Despite no longer being a WW member, Shannon (my sponsor AND WW coach) said that he had faith that I should be fine. I had the tools I needed to continue to make healthy choices. He was right. I DID have those tools. It was up to me, however, on whether or not I decided to use those tools.

I think it is so easy for me to categorize everything into two categories, "alcohol" and "not alcohol." I could eat the unhealthy foods and snack non-stop, and it was okay because it wasn't drinking. But, if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, all I did was replace alcohol with food. I was using it the very same way I used to use alcohol on a regular basis. Part of it was scheduling and poor decision making. While at the Crisis Center, the short amount of time I had to eat and the small choices of WHAT I could eat (and none of them were healthy) made it pretty difficult for me to make good choices. I know I could've packed my lunch, but I made the excuse (and it was pretty legitimate) that I HAD to get out of the building for lunch... escape the stress for a bit. So, the result of this was me usually eating some lunchables and chips from either Oncue or 7-11. Occasionally, I'd hit up a restaurant, but that was usually Little Caesar's or Golden Chick.

The main part, however, was mainly just using food to help me cope with how I felt. I've shared before with the emotional issues that came along with being made part time, followed by the stuff I dealt with while at the Crisis Center. Sure, I was super successful because I didn't drink. Probably a huge portion of that was because I didn't have to think about how stressed or upset I was at *insert issue here* because I was currently happy shoving *insert junk food here* into my face. 

The results of this cluster is that I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was big right after I graduated from FIRSTEP... but add about 8 pounds to that, and bingo! Here I am. So, what to do next? Well, first of all, I'm now aware of how I'm treating (or mistreating) food and how I need to change handling that. I'm rejoining Weight Watchers to help get all of that back under control. Second, I think I'm going to look into joining a gym. I think there has to be a whole lot more going on than just losing weight.

It'll take some time. Just like with other forms of recovery, I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the small goals rather than the big shiny finish line. I can do it!

The Missing Time...

Recently, I was re-watching season 2 of "Stranger Things" on Netflix. I wanted to make sure that I was caught up on all of the action that was going to happen in season 3, so I needed a little refresher. Usually, when I've done this in the past, I find myself saying things like "oooh yeah! I remember this part!" or "Man! I remember hating this episode when I first saw it!" But I didn't really think/feel any of that when I was watching over the last few days. It was as if I was watching them for the first time. I had some basic vague ideas about certain bigger events, plot twists and character deaths. When it came to some of the smaller details, character-driven conversations and hidden Easter eggs, it was like I was watching it all for the first time. "Why?" I asked myself. I dug a little deeper and saw that the second season was released on October 27, 2017. It all made so much sense then. At that time, I was circling the drain. I was in a pretty dark spot. A little over two weeks later, I'd hit my bottom. Nineteen days later, I  admitted myself to TRC for detox from alcohol addiction. A month later (November 27), I would begin my six month journey at Firstep.

I started this temporary thought process of "well, shit, what ELSE did I miss in that time period? What else did I miss out on over the 8+ years of dangerously heavy drinking?" Without wallowing in morbid reflection, the answer is a lot. There were several big "events" during those years that I should've been there for, but I wasn't. I was either drunk, occupied with drinking, recovering from the effects of drinking/withdrawal symptoms, or consumed by the thoughts of when/where I was going to get my next drink. Throw that on top of the other things that alcohol cost me, and it just becomes so astronomically clear how devastating this illness is when it's not taken seriously. Relationships, friendships, job opportunities... all down the tubes because I simply couldn't put the bottle down.

I have to warn myself, and I DEFINITELY share this warning with other people new into the program... do not get stuck in these thoughts for two long. Yeah, it's important to not forgot this type of information, but it can devolve into self-hatred/loathing SUPER quick. I speak from experience. Instead, if you feel yourself sinking back into these old thoughts, use it as a quick reminder and then turn it around to the present. I remind myself to stay super mindful of interactions of those around me, certain job experiences, those little curveballs life throws at me, failures and successes.  That way, in the future, the only thing I might forget would be a certain important conversation between Mike and Will that happened in season two of "Stranger Things."

Working With Others...

It definitely didn't take long for me to figure out, and admit to myself, that I had a problem with alcohol. With a little help from various court systems (and a pricey attorney), I did learn that Alcoholics Anonymous was a great resource and could definitely help me get on top of this problem. However, I had a gross misunderstanding about what I needed to invest and the steps I needed to take to stay on top of the problem. Starting off, I'd go to the meetings and do the bare minimum when it came to interacting with other alcoholics. After a few weeks, I'd get to that point where I thought I had a good handle on the whole sobriety thing and I would cut back on the meetings or even stop going altogether. My favorite was excuse was somehow blaming Alcoholics Anonymous for my failings and telling those who would listen that I think I could do it better on my own. I stopped listening to those who had come before me and I DEFINITELY didn't help those who were trying to get sober after me. There was a very small group of people that I met through the rooms of AA that I could say that I actually liked. However, I don't think that necessarily meant that I cared for them. It sounds cold and calloused to say, but I don't think I ever lost any sleep when I heard one of them would "go back out" or relapse. It just became another blip on my radar... "Oh, so and so relapsed? THAT'S a big surprise." *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*

That's where the program at Firstep was a real Godsend for me. It basically forced me into the middle of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The tasks that we were given to do to progress and "phase up" through the program required that we get involved with the other "brothers." At first, we worked with our "big brothers" (Firstep's version of a sponsor). If the higher-up's saw that you were someone that was doing what they were supposed to, eventually you were given a "little brother" to help along. Working with others was especially crammed down my throat because I worked in the office. I had to help the new people get established in the program, just like people helped me. I had to help the guys who had been there a while meet their everyday needs, whether it was helping them fill out a pass or making sure their time cards were correct.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment where it stopped being a chore, task or something found in my job description. It became something natural, done without asking. It became something I enjoyed to do. The meaning behind the twelfth step finally clicked with me. In my opinion, that is when the BIGGEST puzzle piece in my sobriety fell into place. In order to stay sober, I have to turn around and give it away to the next person. Whether that's helping them with those days where they are white knuckling it, helping them with step work, or helping make sure the new guy has hygiene products... it all helps ME stay sober.

So, at some point during my six months at Firstep, I actually found myself caring about these people. I had been in the program for about three months when I lost two great friends that I had made in recovery. One of them, my Firstep brother Ben, I lost when he went AWOL from Firstep and overdosed on Heroin. It broke my heart. It hurt surprisingly bad. Both men that I had lost were people that I otherwise would not have interacted with, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them was an aging man who seem to be proud of his "crotchety-ness" and the other was this little skinny kid who loved to run. Firstep, and the program as a whole, are FULL of these guys (and gals) that I usually wouldn't choose to spend any time with... but here I am, becoming friends with them. I rejoice with them in their successes, and I empathize with them and try to pick them back up when they fall. Over the last 19 months, I've seen LOTS of success. Guys getting GOOD jobs, starting families and STAYING sober. I've seen plenty of heartbreaks, relapses, job losses and just the general shit that life can throw at us.

I, of course, am super hard on myself... even when it comes to the idea of working with others. I don't do it so well, or I give the wrong advice or maybe I listened when I should've talked... I can think of a jillion different ways to pick apart my effort. I've watched a few others in this program who I find awe-inspiring. The advice they can give or whatever it is that they do just seems to work and click and it seems like they saves lives. I feel like I stumble over my own words and I can only imagine people hanging up the phone and being like "well, THAT was a waste of 15 minutes." Recently, after a friend relapsed, I was even turning to the Big Book and reading out of "Working With Others" to get some help. In the long run, I think the fact that I'm putting in the effort is what matters. Over time, as I get experience with helping people, I'll learn and remember the things that work and don't work. The point is that I just have to keep doing it. I can't give up, because people have never given up on me...