Holding Their Hope...

As my first month as a "consumer recovery specialist" with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services come to an end, my thoughts on where I am in life and what exactly I'm supposed to be doing have absolutely been all over the place. I accepted the position thinking that my experience over the last 17 months has given me the ability to empathize and show compassion to the people that seek our services in some of the darkest times of their lives.

It didn't take long for me to start to wonder "am I in over my head?" The patients that come to the Oklahoma County Crisis Intervention Center struggle more with severe mental illness than addiction struggles that I'm used to working with. My experience is more with those who struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism and not so much people who struggle with things like schizophrenia. It has been very easy for me to leave after an eight hour shift at work thinking to myself that I'm not having any sort of positive effect on these patients. It's frustrating. 

I had been working on this post for well over a week, and I thought it was almost done. I stepped away from or it for a day or two and just came back to it... it was way too much and it was just a bad case of word vomit. It was a good representation of what was going on in my head, though. After several good conversations that I've had over the last day or so, not to mention being off for a couple of days, I feel a lot more calm and collected.  So I decided to scratch it and start fresh. 

My mind keeps going back to a presentation that I heard while at the "New Employee Orientation" that was held at the central office two weeks ago. The presenters seemed like they would trade off between talking about the more boring department policies and procedures or talking about the deeper reasons of why we are here or how we're helping the community as a whole. It was pretty easy to see that there is an overwhelming need for mental health services and the resources just aren't there. The services that are needed sometimes make the difference between life and death.

One presenter got up and spoke about how sometimes it is difficult to see that we're making any sort of difference or progress. It is important to remember that these people we work with are carrying so much stress, trauma, illness and other baggage that they can't do it alone. Our job is to walk along side them and carry their hope for them. After they seek services and make that progress, we can hand that hope back to them to carry on their own. That simple, but powerful explanation of what we're doing stuck with me for the rest of the orientation and (luckily) has stuck in the back of my head since then. I think it's made a difference on the fact that I'm still hanging on during this difficult transition. 

So, my current position isn't going to necessarily see people "cured" of their illnesses or I'm not going to be seeing something similar to seeing a patient get their one year sobriety chip. My position is down in the trenches, during those first few days. These people don't see any hope or that it can get much better. My job is to show them that smile, listen to their stories and share mine as well. I'll hold on to that hope until hopefully they can hold on to it themselves.

(500) Days of... Recovery...

Ya like my artwork?!? I thought it was pretty damn clever. I thought about cutting a little picture of my face and putting it over Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's head, so maybe it would look like me... but, honestly, that took too much effort. So you get the idea! :-)

Anyways, I'm 500 days sober as of today! It's MORE than a year, but not quite to that 18 month milestone. I tried to look back on what was going on in my world on March 28th, 2017 and this is what I can gather so far...

I think it was about this time last year that I truly hit that groove at Firstep. I posted something on "Candid Thoughts" on March 10th about losing fellow Firstepper Ben and my good friend Jerry from LLL. After that, there isn't another blog post until MAY. I totally dropped the ball on that one... but it was for good reason! I became REALLY busy in life at Firstep. I didn't feel the need to hide behind my journal anymore, nor did I really have any time for it. The darkness and uncertainty that surrounded my life and my alcoholism was getting replaced by light and faith that things were going to turn out okay! There was still plenty of uncertainty, I couldn't help but look ahead at the coming months and what I was going to do with myself. I would be graduating from the Firstep program in exactly two more months and I was pretty certain that I was going to stay on board with OKC Metro Alliance as a residential adviser. Life was simple back then, REALLY simple. We all know (or do we?) what happens next. Over the next several months, I've worked for an awesome non-profit agency, put myself through school. stayed sober and lived a pretty great life.

Oddly enough, today is another milestone. Today is my last day at my current job. I've enjoyed working at Specialized Outpatient Services for just short of nine months. I definitely could've seen myself staying there longer, if only things had worked out differently. BUT God obviously had some other plans in store for me, and being made part-time was a gentle nudge in the right direction to where I need to be going. Starting Monday, I'll be a state employee once again. Going into the second 500 days and starting a new adventure! I look forward to what exciting stuff lies ahead in my (sometimes) exciting life.

Metaphorical Movies...

Considering I own such intellectual masterpieces such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Jerk and at least one Transformers movie, I doubt I'll be able to pass myself off as some sort of sophisticated movie buff anytime soon. There are PLENTY of times that I love laying out and enjoying a movie for face value. It is what it is and nothing more. There is no better way to end a rough day than to escape with some totally unrealistic sci-fi or fantasy, laugh your ass off to some horrible toilet humor or watch as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson tries to save the world from destruction again. It doesn't have to be some sort of sophisticated cinematic treasure full of depth and meaning to make it into my massive movie collection.

That being said... I DO love a good movie that makes you think, one that I walk away thinking "ya know, I'm not actually SURE if I liked that movie or not..." One that you might have to see two or more times before you decide on whether it was any good. For example, Megan and I went and saw Jordan Peele's new movie Us. It almost immediately was being hailed as one of the best original horror films since the Shining. After his success with his first hit Get Out, Peele is being touted as this generation's Stephen King. Those are DEFINITELY big shoes to fill and I'm not quite sure Peele fills them... yet. But, with that being said, I do think I enjoyed the movie. As we were walking through the parking garage and she asked what I thought. I had to pause. I wasn't sure I agreed with what the initial reviews. It was either amazing... or it was absolute garbage. Almost a week later and I am definitely leaning more towards pretty amazing.

What helped tip me over was reading article after article on what the film actually represented. I suppose you could definitely take the movie at face value. How a family handles the sudden attack from a family of doppelgängers, followed shortly by learning that there were actually thousands of these doppelgängers that were coming from a network of tunnels and underground passages and were going to take over the above world. However, the movie gained a lot more depth and awesome-ness when you started to think about "well, what do these doppelgängers represent?"

There have been plenty of other movies that are like this. It made me think of watching the movie Mother! with Megan several months ago. In this movie, the metaphors were basically necessary. Without figuring out what certain things represented, the movie made ABSOLUTELY no sense whatsoever. One of my FAVORITE examples of metaphors used in movies is the all-important ZOMBIE movie. I actually managed to write a paper about it in one of my college classes! A simple zombie flick is totally fun to watch, but it adds a certain layer of depth and interest when you see that the zombies represent (amongst dozens of other things) the mindless consumerism of the 1980's.

Movies  can definitely be used to stir up meaningful and debate-provoking conversations. Or, you can have nights like tonight... where I'm just laying in bed watching Jackass: The Movie. There is absolutely NOTHING metaphorical about watching a man shove a toy car up his ass...

A Movie Review For You! "The Crow"

"The Crow," starring Brandon Lee, was released in theaters nearly 25 years ago!!! Now I TOTALLY feel old. I believe that this movie could totally stand alone based on the acting talent, the amazing storyline and the dark and gritty cinematography. Add in the memories that this movie invokes as well as the rockin' grungy soundtrack, and that EASILY puts The Crow in my top five favorite movies... ever. That's saying a lot! So, when a local movie club known as "VHS and Chill" was doing a special showing at a little independent theater... I KNEW I had to get a ticket. I loved the fact that they didn't show some digitalized HD version. Nope! They showed the original VHS version, complete with super cheesy trailers for movies like "Halloween 6" and "Mother's Boys." They also included the last recorded interview with Brandon Lee, filmed shortly before the accident that took his life. I managed to convince Megan and Michael Massey (BOTH who had never seen the movie before!) to come along with me... I am pretty sure both of them loved it. Well, at least Megan did.

The plot for the Crow is fairly simple, a man and his fiancee are brutally murdered. The weight of the sorrow makes it impossible for Brandon Lee's character, Eric Draven, to move on. He is brought back to life and, using the powers of the crow, seeks out revenge for their deaths. He then goes on to find each person responsible and (brutally) brings them to justice. I'll leave it at that, in case someone decides to read this that HASN'T seen it or isn't sure on how the film ends...

I was probably in the third grade or so when I first saw this movie. One of the perks of my brother Matt dating this girl who worked at the video rental place that was inside the GFF grocery store was that he got free rentals ALL of the time. I remember snooping in their room at various times and finding random cassette tapes that I had never even HEARD of in those big bulky boxes that you would get when you rented them from rental stores like Blockbuster, Hollywood, etc. Sometimes I was lucky (or unlucky... not all of the movies we watched were as awesome as this one) enough to be around when Matt would pop it into our massive VCR. Matt and Adam must've been watching this movie at a point when Mom was on a date or something, because there is NO way that I would've been allowed to watch it. Mom was usually pretty progressive and open and let me watch a lot of stuff, but damn... this would've been a bit much. It gathered the attention of my little third or fourth grade mind because it was the first "dark" film that I had ever seen. The super gritty and mature content matter grabbed my attention, not for the standard reasons (gasp! They said the "F" word!) that it would've gotten an eight year olds attention. It was more of the thoughts along the lines that "there are people out there that live in these dark seedy places and do these incredibly illegal things... and some of these people are little kids just like me. Not EVERYONE lives in a squeaky clean suburban setting." Thoughts like these developed an interest in certain types of films for me, movies like "Requiem For A Dream" that have characters who start off in bad situations and they don't really ever get better. There aren't always necessarily happy endings.

I remember the soundtrack that came along this movie was full of grungy awesome rock from Alice in Chains, The Cure and more. It was definitely one of the first group of CD's I ever bought. If I remember correctly, it actually came as a two-pack and included an "inspired by" CD. This CD, along with the soundtrack from the movie "Hackers" was frequently found in the CD player in my 1997 Honda Accord. I guess I thought I was pretty cool as I was blaring this, windows down and sunroof open going to school or driving to work at Mardel Christian Bookstore (yeah, I know) or Boomerang Grill (mm... chicken tenders). Lots of fun memories.

Needless to say this movie ranks high in my book. Like I said, it is EASILY in my top five. It's not necessarily JUST because it's an awesome movie... but it definitely helps. I totally give it a 10 out of 10.

"A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that was true about everything: family, friends, feelings. But now I know that sometimes, if love proves real and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart."

A New Chapter...

I feel like I say it a lot, and if I don't, it definitely deserves to be said more often... God has an interesting sense of humor. It was exactly eight years ago Monday that I was let go from my position with the State of Oklahoma. It was my first "big boy" job right out of high school and something that I took great pride in. Over the course of seven years, I worked myself up from the bottom of the barrel within the agency to being management and having seniority over most of the other people that worked there. I guess you could say I was "kind of a big deal."

But, just like everything at that time, the love for my job and my professionalism in general took a backseat to my alcoholism. While I wasn't directly fired because of alcoholism, it did cause the poor behavior, lack of caring or drive and bad attitude that led to me getting let go from that position.

So, here we are, eight years later to the DAY... and I have officially accepted a position working for the state again. I'll be a consumer recovery specialist with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services..It'll be my first BIG, big boy job (my first position after graduating from OU) and I'm SUPER excited! It will be a more "hands on" position than I've ever really had in the past. I'll be a part of the daily lives of adults as they are in the critical first few days of their recovery. I'm not quite a recovery support specialist, so I won't do any "one on one" time with clients, but I will get to interact with them on a daily basis, socialize, lead various groups and so on. It'll be a challenge, but I think I'm ready!

Unfortunately, that did mean that I had to turn in my notice of resignation at SOS. I'm very grateful for the experiences that I've gained working with them and I'm SUPER grateful for all of the friendships that I've gained while there. I'm hopeful that those will continue on long after I leave and start my new adventure.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 2: Money Does NOT Buy Happiness...

According to my handy-dandy LYFT app, I've been driving part-time for about two-ish (maybe three?) weeks now. And out of those two (or so) weeks, I was down for a good portion of last week due to school AND down a good portion of THIS week due to having tires that refused to stay inflated. Still, with aaaalllll that down time, I've managed to make some fairly decent money.

Over that time period, I've had at least 38 complete and total strangers in my vehicle with me. Sometimes it was quite dark outside and other times I have been in fairly unsavory parts of Oklahoma City. Oddly enough, though, I've never been afraid. Oddly enough, I've been more concerned that the passengers (a large number of them young and female) would be afraid of me. Don't worry passengers, I may be a large guy, but I'm just a big teddy bear. :-) As I mentioned in volume one, it has been a pretty interesting spectrum of passengers that get in and out of my car. While I am no sociology expert, I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nigh...wait, no I didn't. lol. I like to think of myself as a somewhat-seasoned veteran of human observation (a fancy way of saying that I like to people-watch). My sense of empathy and compassion makes it really easy to relate to people and see/feel where they are. I'd also like to think that I'm pretty good at reading people.

One of the biggest impressions that I have been getting from my passengers (if you couldn't tell by the title) is that money does not necessarily make you happy. I have picked up some shabbier dressed individuals from some really questionable apartment complexes, but they are just as happy as can be. Other times, I pick up people that (I know I'm judging a book by its cover) that seem to be fairly well off and are choosing to Lyft PROBABLY because they plan to drink... but those people that are more well dressed, from nicer areas of town and all those other things that would make you stop and think "hey, this person has money," so far have been the less friendly of the bunch. They don't really care to talk much, and if they do, they tend to be in sour moods. The times that there have been more than one of them in the car, they tend to be fighting or bickering with each other.

I know that a lot of other circumstances could play into the moods, attitudes and behavior of people more than just their socioeconomic background... but, just in general, those have been my observations. Just because you don't live in the posh part of town, wearing the best clothes and you (apparently) don't have a vehicle of your own... doesn't mean that your life can't still be friggin' fantastic. This is more of a reminder to myself more than anything. Just because something isn't working out the way society tells you it should, doesn't mean you can't still be happy and grateful for life. I know my life has taken some weird twisties and turnies throughout my 33 years, but I'm grateful. I may not be living that ideal, picture-perfect life, but it's mine. And I wouldn't change ANY of it for the world...

Patience... It's A Virtue...

Would you believe that, with as much as I struggle with it on a daily basis, that I have never written a blog entry regarding the topic of PATIENCE?! Yeah. I know. I'm super surprised, too. I have had the idea, but I didn't want to be repetitive, so I did the search... and NOTHING! Yeah. It seems like a pretty pertinent topic nowadays, definitely worthy of discussing. Sometimes my patience is tested on a super small level, something like the guy in front of me is driving ridiculously slow or the internet is craaaawwling and Facebook won't load fast enough. Other times, my patience is tested at some grand existential level, where I find it difficult to stay patient and calm because things aren't happening on my timeline. It happens when dealing with those BIG life issues: money, love, life, school, work, living situation, etc. Anyway you look at it, impatience is DEFINITELY still a character defect that continues to cause me issues.

A perfect example of impatience happened to me a few weeks ago. After the recent shake-up at work (see the post "Bad News Bears" for further info...), I started to throw my name (and my resume) out into the job market. Fairly quickly, a VERY promising job prospect appeared on the horizon. It was one that I had honestly never really considered (for myself) before. It was definitely a little more "corporate" than I'm used to, definitely further away than I'm used to looking and not necessarily up my alley or area of expertise... but I was thinking that I could've made it work. Plus, when I found out about the potential money that I could be making, I was TOTALLY on board. I went from being all social work-y and working in a service field to being Mr. Corporate Cloud... ready to make the big bucks. In talking with the recruiter, I was led to believe that it wasn't IF I was going to get hired, it was more like "WHEN you get hired, which position will they place you in?" The job was almost certainly mine, and so I became increasingly impatient while waiting for the results of my TWO interviews. The corporate recruiter who had stayed in touch with me during the beginning of the process all of a sudden went AWOL. No phone call and no e-mail. After waiting for almost a week, I found out that the answer was sadly (or maybe not-so-sadly) a big fat NO. I've been turned down for PLENTY of jobs before, but something about this was especially devastating. Looking back at it now, I realize that it's because I had started to make assumptions that the job was mine, quickly followed by making plans on what I was going to do with all of that money. I feel like I was kind of playing God, assuming that things were going to go MY way instead of sitting back and listening to what my Higher Power might have to say about the ordeal.

God: "Eh, John, do you really think you'll be happy doing this?
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Now John, listen, it is really far away. How can you make that logistically work?"
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Ok, I hate to have to do this..."

That news definitely pushed my impatience-o-meter off the charts, and it definitely didn't take long for that to start trickling into all the other areas of my life. I have definitely been short with friends, family, coworkers and everybody in between. STAYING positive has been a real struggle. After a few weeks, I think that things have definitely leveled back out now. With my school FINALLY over, that is one less thing that I have to worry about. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. If I can just NOT act like a super-impatient dick, I'm fairly certain good things will continue to happen to me. Despite the series of setbacks, I do have an overall optimistic outlook into my future. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I think I'm due for some good news sometime (hopefully) soon!

In other news, I unintentionally celebrated 16 months of sustained sobriety today. I say "unintentionally" due to the fact that I didn't even really think about it until after Megan sent me a "Happy Sober-versary" text. I think I'm getting to that point where it IS just a normal, every day thing. I don't find myself white-knuckling it near as much. Even when I took the big hit to the pocketbook because of the job situation and then followed by this big hit to the ego when I got turned down for the corporate position, alcohol didn't even cross my mind. Now, thinking about what kind of tasty food I was going to have for dinner sure did... but we'll work on that diet soon enough. 

A Movie Review For YOU! "Captain Marvel"

So, Megs and I saw "Captain Marvel" last night and after a brief attempt at writing some sort of plot synopsis that could explain this interesting movie, I threw in the towel and decided to steal someone else's description to get this blog entry going...

"Captain Marvel is an extraterrestrial Kree warrior who finds herself caught in the middle of an intergalactic battle between her people and the Skrulls. Living on Earth in 1995, she keeps having recurring memories of another life as US Air Force pilot Carol Danvers. With help from Nick Fury, Captain Marvel tries to uncover the secrets of her past while harnessing her special superpowers to end the war with the evil Skrulls."

Spaceships, Jude Law and bad ass warrior chicks. Combine that with an awesome 90's-centric soundtrack and you get a pretty fantastic movie. The first hour or so really left me scratching my head. I think they spent too much time keeping you confused on the "is she?" or "isn't she?" The way they laid out the story, they left it fairly vague on the possibility of "well, was she actually a pilot at one point or is this some sort of Skrull plot twist?" Without giving too much away, they DO eventually untangle everything and make it into a really cool story and fun movie to follow along with. In the end, you can focus on some intricate fight scenes and not have to sit there and think "wait a minute..."

Things I liked: The soundtrack. LOVED the soundtrack. I loved the various 90's pop culture references. I loved seeing Fury and Coulson as young agents at the (supposed) beginning of SHIELD.  I did enjoy that this was enough of a stand-alone movie that you could see it without seeing a single other Marvel film and you can still enjoy it. But, you definitely get more out of it if you are caught up with the timeline. I, for one, am NOT caught up on the timeline. I haven't seen the last two (I think?) Avengers movies, so I definitely need to watch those. Then maybe I'll go see Captain Marvel again.

Part of me wanted to initially shake my head in confusion/disappointment at the blatant "girl power" or "yeah! Women can do it all" in the plot. I think in an attempt to capture that attention from the female target audience, they potentially gave Captain Marvel TOO much power. Like NO one can beat her. But, after I thought about it, I thought to myself "so what?" It doesn't really matter how obviously they geared this movie towards girls. Instead, I thought... girls deserve bad ass heroes like this too!

Of course, they set it up for a potential "Captain Marvel 2" and they definitely tie it into the "Avengers" series... especially with that post-credits scene.

Other than the fuzzy, somewhat difficult to follow beginning, "Captain Marvel" was thoroughly enjoyable. That perfect mix of awesome action, super funny, fun pop culture references, a bad ass soundtrack, a cool plot and a great super heroine... I give it a 9 out of 10.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 1: The Adventure Begins...

Many moons ago, I decided I was going to try and be a driver for Lyft, for a little extra cash. My intentions were honestly pure, but much like everything else in my life, it took a backseat to my addiction. I would SAY that I was off "Lyfting," but I definitely wasn't. I had even managed to convince myself that this wasn't a financially viable solution, so I abandoned it all together. That makes as much sense as NOT showing up for work and then being confused as to why you never got a paycheck. But, then again, a lot of the things that I thought about back then didn't make a whole lot of sense...

So, when the job situation took a hit a few weeks ago, Lyft was one of the first ideas that popped into my little noggin on how to resolve the problems at hand. The parents, however, were very skeptical. They were still under the impression that I had been legitimately trying to Lyft and just wasn't getting any business. Oops. I obviously told them the truth about what had been happening. The little lightbulbs of understanding lit up above their heads as they said "aaaaahhhh!!!!" and nodded their heads.

Despite not having to work until the afternoon on Tuesday, I took Mom into work, and clicked the Lyft button to the "on" position and hoped for the best. Tuesday was kinda slow, but I didn't do it non-stop like I should've. I was nervous and unsure about how it would go. I didn't log back in again until Thursday morning, and it was a LOT busier... but again, I felt like I got distracted by a few outside sources. I still made fairly decent money.  I accepted a few rides on Thursday evening, but crashed and burned (not literally) from exhaustion.

TODAY (Friday) was really the first day that has me pretty excited about the prospect of being able to make some legit money through Lyft. I started in the morning, with a pre-scheduled pick-up with a VERY talkative girl who proved that she was apparently quite comfortable with me. That was evident in the fact that she shared a LOT of information with me regarding her and her family's health history. Like... stuff you wouldn't (and/or shouldn't) share with a total stranger. The rides continued, and seem to alternate between VERY talkative and the awkwardly quiet.

I think the financial portion of Lyft is (obviously) appealing, but I think the personal aspect of it is even more attractive. In the three short "shifts" that I've worked Lyfting, I've had legitimately every type of person across the spectrum. Black, white, gay, straight, redneck, frat boys, blue collar workers, Nichols Hills socialites, and everything in between. I think my favorites are those people who are just simply wanting to get home after a long day at work or just need a ride to get to the grocery store. These are people that are just living their lives, they just are in a spot where they don't have access to their own vehicle. Even while I'm trying to wade through my own drama and difficulties in life right now, I can't help but feel incredibly blessed to be in the position that I am in today. Hopefully I can make the day a little bit brighter for these people, whether they want to talk or just want a quiet ride home from Wal-Mart, I'll do my best.

Bad News Bears...

Well, life can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Looking back, I honestly think my last post was a whole lot of foresight and maaayybbeee some sort of premonition about the events that were about to unfold...

I have to admit that, since November 2017, life has been pretty damned good. I graduated from FIRSTEP and immediately went into what seemed to be a promising job...maybe even a career. I strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I continued to grow my relationship with Megan. I became more and more confident and strong in my sobriety. I started thinking about making healthy choices when it came to my weight. I took the initiative and started back to school. It seemed like all of these choices were yielding me positive results and I was taking nothing but steps in the right direction.

So,  things have definitely been rough at work for about the last month, I think I was trying to make it seem as if the last post was a culmination of different stresses getting to me, but it was pretty much all about work. The numbers have been going south and people have been under a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and apparently it just wasn't working. I was getting some weird vibes from the people closest to me in the office and it just had an absolutely awful effect on me. Turns out the vibes were totally real. I had a meeting on Wednesday with my boss and the owner of the company. They brought me into her office and let me know, that effective February 25th, my position would be a part-time position. I would go from working 40 hours a week and working a job with PTO and health insurance to working 20-25 hours a week and NO insurance or PTO. I was fairly shocked to say the least.

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is the biggest setback that I've faced in my life since being sober. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm incredibly proud of myself for how I've handled the situation. I told the powers-that-be that I was willing to stay on board as part-time. I told them that I would be looking for another part-time position to make up the difference. If I managed to find a full-time job before they made me full-time again, that I would definitely be taking the opportunity and I would leave the company. They said that they understood and seemed to be supportive.

I've see-sawed back and forth between having that peace, serenity and acceptance OR being a big, angry, panicky mess. Luckily, when I'm the latter, I manage to keep it to myself and I don't make a big scene. I've found that I become that panicky mess when I spend too much time in my own head and I let certain parts of my brain convince me that I'm worthless and that all that I've built over the last 15 months is going to go to shit. More often than not, however, I stay pretty level-headed. The last 15 months have proven to me that, as long as I keep it cool and don't act like a dick, things tend to fall in place like they should. If I don't act out and get all pissy, all I need to do is take the next right step and God puts in place the things that need to be put in place at that time. If the thing that needs to be in place right now is another part-time job, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what's in front of me.

It's been less than a week since I received the icky news. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. I've submitted dozens of resumes and applications through the various websites, some of them would be REALLY promising and awesome opportunities. I'm already getting some nibbles and responses from those applications. So, we'll see! The times, they are a-changin!

The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!

Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...

Progress not Perfection...

In what seems like a bajillion years ago, I got my very first tattoo. The inspiration came from the cross that hangs above the altar of my former home church, St. James Episcopal. I knew that, a few weeks later, I would be making the BAD decision to move to Dallas... and I needed something that would remind me of God, my family and my home. As I made that move, life would continue to get MUCH darker and that simple cross on my bicep, albeit clichéd, constantly reminded me that I would ALWAYS be welcome back home. No matter what. In the end, it took much more than just a simple reminder to save me, but I believe that it played a part in keeping me going every day...

Flash forward to this past Christmas. Life is SO much different than when I got my cross tattoo. In 2018, I spent six months in an inpatient substance abuse treatment center and graduated from that program in May. Shortly after, I started working for a job that I absolutely LOVE and could see my self staying in this organization for a long time. I started the wheels rolling for me to get back into school and finally finish my bachelor's degree. I've rebuilt and strengthened so many relationships and friendships. Throughout all of it, I have worked a strong program of sobriety. I have worked with my sponsor as well as my sponsees and stayed connected with the treatment center that helped teach me the tools to stay sober. For the first time in my seven plus years of this program, I've finally reached ONE YEAR of sobriety. It was a big deal. But, I don't plan on resting on my laurels. I don't think I get to sit back and relax, because I have to this thing kicked. Quite the opposite.

So, the day after Christmas, I bought myself a little belated present. I got a new tattoo! Like the first one, it definitely serves a purpose. The triangle, the symbol of AA, reminds me of my disease. I will be able to look at that forearm every day and be like "oh, yeah! That's right!" More importantly, the quote "progress, not perfection" reminds me to cut myself a break. "We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

I'm gonna screw up. A lot. The tattoo reminds me that as long as I am aiming towards that progress, then my toes are facing in the right direction. I can't get too down on myself or beat myself up. Well, not TOO much. I think the tattoo is a great gift and a great tool to help me on a daily basis as I trudge along this road of happy destiny...

Don't Pull The Trigger...

On Thursday, at 430 days sober, I had this HUGE revelation. It was a definite "A-HA!" moment for me and definitely something that I can add to my "spiritual tool belt" to use for future reference. It came to me during my regular bi-annual checkup with my doctor. All was well with the doc, he was quite pleased with my weight loss. Because of that, my blood pressure and my heart rate were doing a lot better. It had also been about a year since LAST time I saw my doctor, so the last time I saw him was while I was still a resident of Firstep. I remember, during that time, that I was clinging on pretty tightly to that first step, and was willing to do just about anything to stay sober. But it was still so new to me, and I was still really new to being honest with myself and others about how I felt. This time around, he was elated to see that I had just celebrated 14 months of sobriety. I showed him my one year chip and my tattoo.

 (Oh yeah, *IDEA!* I don't think I've done a blog entry about my tattoo yet, have I?!)

I shared with him about working with my sponsor and finally making it through the twelve steps. I briefly talked about my two sponsees, getting to work with them and what kind of sponsor I am for them. I don't think he could've been any happier, hearing that I was FINALLY on the right path... after plenty of years struggling to find it. He then went on to ask me if I had been able to identify the emotion and the trigger behind what makes me drink. I'm not sure why, but the question used to frustrate me to no end. Maybe because I didn't want to look for what it was that was triggering me to drink... because I didn't actually want to quit drinking yet? I seem to remember also thinking that the question was oversimplified... like, if it was THAT easy, I'd find that trigger and eliminate it. Whatever the reason, I think I was really too stubborn to look into it much deeper.

So, he asked the question again. I honestly hadn't even thought about it... but we started talking about it. I told him I think it all boiled down to shame. Whoa. I think I might be on to something here... So, of course I was ashamed of who I had become and the things I was doing. You would think a simple answer would be to do what was necessary to change who you had become and STOP doing those things you were doing. Start changing your life and do the next right thing. That shame would go away and everything will be alright, right? Wrong.

That shame would come creeping in through the back door when I would start to feel that craving for alcohol. For whatever reason... I was happy, I was sad, the sky was blue, the day ended in "Y," or whatever else... a craving would hit. Man, a drink sure sounds good. A cocktail sure sounds nice. I remember that, whenever I would be doing (insert random activity here), I would usually enjoy a drink. Man, I'd love to experience that fuzzy feeling. A simple craving like that, and I automatically would get down on myself and think "well, shit. I'm doing something wrong" or "I'm not good enough since I'm still thinking about it." I'd hide those feelings, I would be ashamed to admit that I was still having the cravings. That shame would kick in high gear, and one of the only things that can stop that shame is to drown it in vodka. Thus, starting that vicious cycle over again.

I know now, that even alcoholics with years of sobriety under their belt can have cravings. My doctor mentioned that my drinking years hard-wired my brain to always go to or think about alcohol. It is going to take more than just a little bit of sobriety to make that go away. The difference is what you do with those thoughts and cravings. Today, I choose to talk about them and share when they are happening. There is no shame involved. When I think about that craving, I play the whole tape through... what would happen? If experience tells me anything, it says that I MIGHT get away with the first time. Nothing big would happen. Maybe. But what about the second time? Eventually shit is going to go south and things will start to get bad... like they always do. If I keep doing the next right thing and stay open and honest about how I'm feeling... that feeling of shame won't have the power over me like it used to. What a relief!

A Movie Review For You! "Escape Room"

A group of strangers, who (on the surface) all appear to have nothing in common, are locked in a game (monitored by some unknown source) that winds up having deadly consequences. As they make it (well, most of them) from puzzle to puzzle, you begin to suspect that these people that were chosen to solve them might NOT be so random. Each puzzle is meant to expose and mock some deep dark secret of their personal lives... and then, if they don't solve them in a timely (and correct) manner, people start to die.

No, this is not a movie review for the latest in the "Saw" movie franchise. Instead, this is the basic plot for the new movie "Escape Room." It doesn't really have any "celebrity" stars, just a few people who you stop and think to yourself "hey, I've seen them in _____." One of the girls played a teenage vampire in the HBO show "True Blood," while one of the guys recently played a Canadian Mountie in "Super Troopers 2." Other than that... nothing. Which is ok, you don't necessarily need A-list stars to make a good movie. Sometimes, it actually makes it better. So you have a movie that is riding the wave of popularity for these new "escape rooms" that seem to be popping up everywhere. I've never really had a desire to PAY someone to lock me in a room and see if I'm smart enough to escape...

The movie begins with a young male trying to escape from a room that looks like some sort of library. He falls in through the roof and immediately begins looking for clues to help him escape, as the walls begin to close in on him. Does he escape? Does he survive? I guess we'll find out. The scene ends and it cuts to something like "three days earlier." The story follows three individuals: a young college-aged girl named Zoey (played by Taylor Russell, she played Judy in the recent "Lost in Space" Netflix series), an eager young stockbroker named Jason (played by Jay Ellis, he's apparently had a lot of small TV roles) and a downtrodden grocery store employee named Ben (played by Logan Miller, who actually played the character Ben on "The Walking Dead" as well... I knew I knew him from somewhere) and picks up their lives as they are each given this mysterious box that points them to play this escape room for a chance to win big bucks.

Apparently, they all decided to play the game, as the next scene is them all showing up to this big building and checking in to the lobby before the game starts. They meet up with four other characters (who apparently had less important stories... so you just KNOW that they are going to die) and they soon find out that the lobby isn't actually a lobby. It's the first in the series of rooms that they have to escape if they want to survive.

Although the movie is incredibly close to the plot of the Saw movies, I'd have to say I definitely still enjoyed it. It was as if they took the plot from Saw, but made it a lot less gory... because, there in the end, all those Saw movies became was just "let's find different and more shocking ways to kill people." I was initially bummed, because I thought that they set up the beginning of the movie to where it was REALLY easy to pick out who was going to live or die. They did throw in a nice little twist in there. It was like "HA! You thought you knew what was going to happen!" And.... blam, now we have a setup for a sequel! It will be dubbed "Escape Room 2: An Even Escapier Room."

It wasn't the best... but it definitely wasn't the worst. None of the escape rooms contained battle shrimp... and for that, I'll give it a 7 out of 10.

The John Show: A True Story of Paranoia at its Finest...

1998-1999 was a REALLY weird time in movies. For some odd reason, the movie studios put out near-duplicate movies, with just small plot differences and differences in the movie titles. You had the end-of-the-world asteroid movies with "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon," (the latter I think made much more money in the box office and is probably more well known in the world of pop culture... but I definitely preferred "Deep Impact). You also had the two insect-related computer-animated movies with "A Bug's Life" and "Antz." I honestly couldn't tell you much about the plot lines of either of those to pick a favorite.

It was also around this time that "reality tv" began to gain popularity in America with shows like "Big Brother" and "Survivor." So, movie studios caught on to the popularity and made TWO movies with an interesting take on reality television. You had "the Truman Show" starring Jim Carrey, about Truman (duh) who was a child that was purchased by a TV studio and was raised in a fictional setting and every aspect of his life was filmed and turned into entertainment, unbeknownst to Truman. Out of the two, I think I preferred this movie. I think it was a more serious take on reality television and the idea of what would happen once Truman starts to think that maybe every part of his life is being recorded and watched...

The other, sillier version was "Edtv," starring Matthew McConaughey. It was about "Ed," a simple video rental store employee who signed a big fancy contract with a television studio to have every aspect of his life recorded and shared with the world. As it begins to intrude on every part of his life, Ed tries to get out of the contract and the television studio refuses to let him go without threats of legal battles and coming after his family. A sweet, funny story starring McConaughey, Jenna Elfman (Dharma from "Dharma and Greg") and a not-as-well-known comedian named Ellen Degeneres. 

The two movies pose an interesting question on whether or not something like these stories COULD happen (or if they should) and whether or not my life would even make a remotely interesting reality television show. As a sober guy with my head on straight(ish), the answer to that is (of course) an overwhelming NO. But, in the past, that definitely didn't stop my mind from wandering and thinking about the alternatives. First of all, I was definitely paranoid... day in/day out. No matter what. No matter if I was doing something wrong. Well, I was always trying to hide at least ONE part of my life. Things like, hiding my own alcohol in my own apartment... even though I lived alone. Yeah. It makes no sense, but things like that seemed "normal to me." I don't think I ever got to the extremes of thinking to myself that I was being filmed at all times... but I wasn't too far off. Normal things for me were thinking that, if you were any sort of quiet or anything, that you were mad at me. If people were off talking with someone (ESPECIALLY if a door was closed), that meant you were talking about me. There might have been a time or two where I thought to myself "that car has been following me around for a while..." Alcoholism can do some really weird things to you, man.

It's all because I was living this massive lie. On the surface, I tried to put out this image of a guy trying to hold it together. I had a decent-ish job. I tried to make it seem as if I had the desire to improve things, but I really didn't. Under the surface, I had so many different lies going on at one time, it became a full time job in itself just remembering which lie was which. I was so ashamed of myself and had such a self-hatred, the last thing I wanted is for people to find out... and then THEY would hate me and be ashamed of me as well. Anybody that acted slightly weird or seemed out of place, automatically was someone or something that was about to find out how bad it really was. Of course, all of that got blown out of the water in November of 2017... and I found out that, even though I hated myself, I had plenty of friends and family who loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. No one is out to get me. People aren't always talking about me behind my back.

Now, if a police officer is behind me, that's a totally different story...

A Movie Review for YOU! "Aquaman"

So, I'm definitely a sucker for cheesy comic book/action movies. My absolute favorites are any of the movies from the "DC" Extended Universe (Batman, Superman, Flash, Green Arrow, etc). While he is probably one of my LEAST favorite of the DCEU, I figured an Aquaman movie might still have a chance at being pretty good. When I heard that Jason Momoa (from "Game of Thrones" fame) would be pegged to play Arthur Curry's Aquaman, I was like... okay, maybe. When I learned that it was going to be directed by James Wan, who has directed more dark horror story-like films such as the "Saw" franchise as well as "The Conjuring," I was like... okay, so maybe this film might have more of an adult/mature/gritty-like appearance. It is in the same universe as Batman, so okay! I like how this is turning out! Well... not so much.

As previously mentioned, Momoa plays Arthur Curry, a half man/half Atlantean (someone from the underwater Kingdom of Atlantis) who is actually of royal lineage. After spending a lot of time learning his back story, we finally got to the plot. For numerous reasons, we learn that the various underwater kingdoms are about to join together under the evil leadership of Orm, who just so happens to be Arthur's half-brother. All these kingdoms are going to join together in the hopes of starting a war with the land-dwellers and conquer the WHOLE world, not just the oceans. And... of course... the only person who has any chance of stopping this from happening is Arthur Curry, who becomes the superhero known as Aquaman. It's a race for Aquaman, as he must find the long-lost sacred trident that will unite the people in peace before Orm conquers the various kingdoms and unites the people in fear and forces them to fight this battle for him. You know, same old story.



Momoa's portrayal of Aquaman was kind of all over the place. I'd say he was more humorous/silly than not, so it was difficult to take him seriously when he'd be involved in some super-serious battle or intense conversation about how his mother had been sacrificed to the evil crawfish-people of the trench world. Nicole Kidman's portrayal of Queen Atlanna was over the top and campy. Patrick Wilson as Orm left a lot to be desired. I never once believed that here was a guy who was going to be able to stop the super-bulky/muscular/handsome/tattooed Aquaman. Willem Dafoe's character, Vulko, was just this awkward advisor character. I think that's a good way to describe most of the acting in the movie... awkward.

The visuals of the movie were pretty good. The wide-shots of the massive worlds of Atlantis or the various underwater scenery was pretty awesome. The settings as well as the costumes were all bright and captured your attention. The close-ups were a little meh, it was really obvious to see that a lot of the movie were just the actors faces cut-and-pasted onto the digital bodies, with their little hands moving like flippers and their hair flowing in the water. It's hard to take Aquaman seriously as he's doing a doggy-paddle.

The plot/writing of the movie was REALLY simple. The most bothersome part about it was that it seemed to borrow the various parts of the plot from other major movies. Significant chunks of the storyline seemed eerily familiar to movies like Star Wars, Tron, Indiana Jones, Black Panther and the story of King Arthur. Because of that, I found it incredibly easy to pick out parts of the plot waaaaaayyyyy before it happened. "Oh yeah, this is gonna happen..." or "oooooh yeah, I totally saw THAT one comin'."

All of that being said, it'll probably be a surprise to you to hear that I did enjoy the film. For a simple movie to watch, it was entertaining. It just wasn't what I was expecting or hoping for... especially in a movie from the DCEU. I enjoyed the movie, I always enjoy the theater, and (of course) I enjoyed the company. Like I mentioned on Facebook, however, that was definitely a movie that would've been a-ok to watch on Redbox. I tried to keep an open mind and take it at face value. Occasionally, something ridiculous would happen and I'd be like "oh my GOSH! This is lame." Then I would have to stop and re-open my mind back up to it just being a simple, fun movie. Finally, the "big battle" at the end of the movie completely lost me and I was like "nope, that's about it. Not a good one."

With all of that being said, I give the movie a shaky 4 out of 10.

2019: The Sky's The Limit...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

If 2018 was "the year of the rehab," then I think the theme for 2019 should be "the sky's the limit!" I rang in 2018 in musty old dorm 2 of FIRSTEP, surrounded by the guys that would become my brothers over the next few months. It was a less-than-ideal occasion, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We sat around watching movies (I totally called it... "Jeepers Creepers 3" was horrible) and eating food that was the furthest away from the Weight Watchers-friendly spectrum. When the clock struck midnight, the guys celebrated, laughed and hugged. Yes, these uber-masculine "tough guys," many from oilfields and ranches across the state hugged. We held up big bottles of sparkling grape juice as if they were the finest bottles of champagne that money could buy. Shortly after, the lights were turned off and we all headed to our bunks... life returned to "normal" the following day. But, if for just a couple of hours, we were able to celebrate life like "normal" people... except we were all 100% stone-cold sober... many of us for the first time in a long, long time.

This new year was celebrated in a much more traditional manner. After I got off from work, I drove straight home and met up with Megan. We ate an ever-so-tasty (and not-so-healthy) dinner at the little diner inside the theater and then saw the 8:00PM showing of "Aquaman" (review to come!) in one of the "screening rooms" at the Warren. When the movie wrapped up, we ran back by my place to pick up a few things and headed back to her house to celebrate the new year in style (aka in pajama pants on the couch). Maybe next year we'll have some exciting and/or adventurous new year's celebrations.. but I wouldn't have changed this one for the world.

So, here we are! 2019! The year has SO much potential. All I have to do is just continue on with the momentum that I've gained through 2018 and the possibilities are pretty endless. While I've come so far from that bottom in November of 2017, it feels like I still have such a long way to go. My "to-do list" seems to actually keep growing. I have so much that I want to accomplish. I think I had pretty good success with last year's "top ten" list, so it sounds like a good idea to continue on with that and make it a yearly tradition. In a somewhat particular order, here goes nothing...





10... MOVIES! Kind of a carry over from last year's list. I definitely didn't see as many movies in 2018 as I would've liked, so I want that to change in 2019. I've looked into membership programs that a few different theaters have available, so that is looking like a definite possibility. Who knows, that might mean a few more movie reviews. :-)

9... ROAD TRIP! Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed the road trip in 2018... but it definitely wasn't the road trip I had been hoping for or planning for. It also just whet my appetite for a GOOD road trip, so maybe that might happen in 2019. It'll honestly be a miracle if it happens, scheduling and money conflicts are a mofo. But we'll see!

8... Becoming a better "blogger." I've noticed that, over the last few weeks, that writing helps a lot. It has definitely become a form of meditation for me. I bet I would only see continued benefits from more blogging in 2019. So be prepared for more posts about recovery, about my life, my ridiculous opinions, movie reviews and just general tomfoolery in the coming year.

7... Some clarity when it comes to my schedule. I don't think that I'm necessarily any busier than the average Joe or Jane out there, but sometimes it sure seems like it. Between my recovery, my personal life and my work schedule... life seems pretty hectic sometime. I think if I lay out a clear plan on what needs to go where and when, maybe that might help me remember the majority of it.

6... Be more focused on the world out there. Between all of the thoughts going on in between my two ears, social media and my phone, it can become very easy to stay wrapped up in "self." Service work is definitely one way to stay involved in the world out there. Another way I want to try is to stay aware of my surroundings and take more cool/fun/beautiful pictures of my day-to-day life.

5... Improving my health. In 2018, step one was definitely achieving sobriety. Step two was beginning to eat healthier and creating a healthier lifestyle. In 2019, I'm continuing on with that behavior. I would love to continue improving my diet and maybe getting my weight down to 200-ish. I also would love to find a way to fit in some potential gym time and actually exercise.

4... Being content with here and now. Improving my sense of PATIENCE. One thing I learned at Firstep is that things (often) don't go the way that you had originally planned. If they DO go the way you had planned, usually they don't go that way WHEN you planned them. I need to sit back and trust that things are going to happen when they are supposed to happen. I just need to focus on doing the next right thing.

3... Continued job growth. I love working where I work. I actually like and enjoy my coworkers, they make it a fun environment. I love getting to help clients (hopefully) take that first step towards recovery. There are possible job opportunities in 2019 to grow within the company OR I just want to continue growing and learning in the position where I am now. I'll be ok with either.

2... Continuing my education. I'll start back to school in a little under TWO weeks! By the end of 2019, I'll (hopefully) be a college graduate and starting the journey of working towards my masters degree! I'm super excited, but also crazy nervous.

1... Continued sobriety! My sobriety is the sole reason that I'm able to go back to school, I have a job that I love and that I'm good at and that I have plenty of strong relationships with friends and family. The only way that I'll be able to achieve ANY of this list will be if I can hold on to my sobriety in 2019. I think I can do it. :-)

2018: A Year In Review...

Despite crashing and burning in late 2017, I made some huge positive strides towards bettering my life before year's end. When I rung in 2018, I was rounding that corner. The world didn't seem so bleak, I wasn't SUCH a complete dirtbag and I might actually be able to accomplish some of these things that I set my mind out to finish. The thoughts started rummaging around in my head of "well, what DO you want to accomplish in 2018? Of course you want to graduate from Firstep... but then what?" While sitting in a crowded FIRSTEP office, I put some thought into what were the TOP 10 things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year...

10.) In 2018, I made a resolution to see more movies actually in the theater.
... Well, that really didn't come together. After graduating in May, I think I saw MAYBE five or six movies in the theater? And three of those were within these last two weeks! So, not as successful as I would like. BUT! Both AMC and Regal have membership programs that I've looked into and I'll definitely be seeing more movies in the new year!

9.) After years of being stuck here in my own funk, I made a resolution to take road trip.
...This resolution was ACHIEVED! I even went as far to say that the possibilities of achieving this were a "stretch," especially if it was much further than Sulphur. Well, I made it further than Sulphur, but not by far. The original plan was to drive to Denver, but those plans had to change at the very last minute due to car issues. We decided to stay closer to home and make a trip to Waco and then back up to Dallas for a few days. It wasn't the trip we had hoped for, but it was a good trip nonetheless!

8.) As part of my "rebuilding John" process, I made a resolution that I would have my OWN car by year's end.
...Well, with my very own 2013 Ford C-Max, this resolution was ACHIEVED! With some financial miracles and the help of two amazing parents. I have the keys to a rather nice car that are jingling around in my pocket as we speak. For this, I am very grateful.

7.) Working on my credit.
...Once I got on my feet, the financial situation was fairly dire. I had actually even looked into the possibility of filing for bankruptcy and just wiping the slate clean. For me, it just didn't feel right. Luckily, the debt management company I had worked with prior to Firstep had contacted me at JUST the right time and I have decided to work with them again rather than file for bankruptcy. Over the next 30 months, I'll be paying back everything and hopefully building that credit up to not-so-sucky levels.

6.) Working on finishing up my education.
...Once I finally felt "settled" in my job, I reached back out to OU. I wanted to finish up my bachelor's (finally) and then the goal is to ultimately go on to get my master's in social work. The first part of that goal is closer to being achieved... I start classes on January 14th. By May, I will (hopefully) be a college graduate! The next part of the goal is to pretty immediately start back to school in August. No rest for the wicked!

5.) Getting another job.
...Done and done! I remember feeling so hopeful when I wrote out my top 10 list earlier this year that I would be working for Firstep after I graduated. THAT was the perfect plan. I remember being riddled with disappointment when April and May rolled around and that just wasn't going to be in the cards. I've been with Specialized Outpatient Services for five months now, and I couldn't be much happier. The job isn't perfect, but what job is? I enjoy working with the people I work with and I get to do something that I love. It doesn't get much better than that. I would call that a definite "mission accomplished."

4.) Living a lifestyle of "willingness."
...It comes and goes, ya know? I try my best to be willing. I'd like to say that I'm living a lifestyle of willingness more often than not, but I wouldn't say I always have the best attitude about it. But I am trying! I know I have responsibilities and things I promised I would do or places that I would be... but it gets tiring sometimes. So much to do, so little time... or something like that. I have to cut myself some slack. I am doing a lot.

3.) Embracing an "attitude of gratitude."
... I'd like to say that I am a grateful person. Hopefully those people that are important to me KNOW that they are important to me and I am very grateful for what they do and who they are. Not to say that I can't continue to improve. I think everyone, myself included, could become more grateful about all of life's blessing in our day-to-day. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

2.) Improving relationships with friends, family and people around me.
...My relationships continue to grow and improve. I'm closer than ever to my parents and my family. I have a great relationship with Megan. I'm developing closer friendships with people in the program and with my coworkers. While I like my "me" time, I know that I can't (and I don't want to) do this alone. A circle of friends, family and those closest to me will help ensure that I continue to lead a happy and SOBER life.

1.) Continued sobriety!
...I'm well over 400 days sober at this point. I'd say that is a definite success! I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too. :-)

The Road Ahead...

Step eleven reads "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Even though it's almost at the bottom of the list, the eleventh step was one of the first ones that I started to work as often as possible. When I can take the time to pray and/or meditate, things seem to fall into place a little easier, life becomes slightly less chaotic. Once I invite my higher power into the mix, the life that I have made so unmanageable seems to be a little more manageable. If I keep Him out and stay in my own head and purposefully seek MY will... that's when life becomes more difficult. I become irritable, restless and discontented. That's a dangerous place to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY not some sort of Buddha/Gandhi/meditation guru. Quite the contrary. More often than not, prayer is just a simple conversation between my and God, usually in the shower or when I'm by myself. It doesn't have to be some beautifully written prayer like the Prayer of St. Francis. Meditation is a way for me to control my breathing, (hopefully) slow my thoughts down and help me decide what I need to do to stay on the beam...or make something right and put me back on that beam. For me, where prayer is a conversation with God, meditation can be a conversation with myself, or simply listening.

A thought came to me last night, while we were discussing the eleventh step in the meeting. So many of us (myself included) want that instant gratification in everything we do, prayer and meditation is no exception. I want the burning bush, an immediate answer or to be immediately calmed and at peace. It doesn't always work like that. Prayer and meditation is more like an anti-depressant. You have to take it for a while before it really starts to enter your system and change how you feel. It may take a while for my thoughts and actions to show the results of my prayer. Likewise, on the other end, if you stop taking the anti-depressant, it doesn't stop working immediately. It takes some time to work its way out of your system. If you stop praying, you won't immediately lose control and/or relapse and life gets crazy. But after a while, I bet you'd find yourself a little more irritable, restless and discontented.

I'll finish with one of my favorite prayers. It's from Thomas Merton, and while it may not be as beautifully or poetically written as St. Francis' prayer, I find it just as effective:

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Amen.