Four Months Later...

If life were a movie, the screen would start to focus on a scene of a young couple unpacking their car after a nice vacation trip to Colorado. They are tired, but happy. The couple goes inside the house, shutting the door behind them. You can hear the sound of muffled laughter as the screen fades to black.

The words "four months later" appear big on the middle of the screen. The camera opens on a bleak, dystopian future. The city skylines are nothing but a shell of what they used to be. The lines at food pantries are miles long. People wait for hours to get tested for this disease that has ravaged the country. The country's leader refuses to give up power, even though the people have rightfully voted him out.

Our young hero sits at a desk, writing his final paper, which will finalize his training and put him in a perfect position to go out there and save the world...

Okay, okay... "dystopian" may be a bit intense of a word to use. "Hero" probably isn't a good fit. Well, and he DEFINITELY isn't young. But, hey, it could work. I DID just submit my final paper... for the semester. One year left! By this time next year, that MSW will be within my grasp.

Sadly, some of that other stuff... like the lines at food banks, a disease ravaging the country and a leader that refuses to give up power is the sad truth of our times. We are TEN months into COVID, and the only glimmer of hope is the slooooooowww unveiling of a vaccine that probably won't get to "normal" people like myself until late spring or early summer. 

We lost my Uncle Bobby in October, after his long battle with cancer. Mom, Nick and I drove down to Houston for the service. It was great to get to see all of the family, albeit under horrible circumstances. Being around my aging family, as well as being around plenty of alcohol, created some challenges for sobriety... but I made it. I talked to people. That was another thing, I was glad that Uncle Bobby got to see me SOBER before he passed. So many of the other times he saw me... I definitely wasn't.

Joe Biden won the election. Donald Trump disputed it... is STILL disputing it. Democrats kept the house and didn't take back the senate. So, while it was a good night, it was NOT the sweeping victory we were hoping for. With a divided congress, it'll be a tough battle for Joe to get anything productive done for at LEAST two years.

I celebrated THREE years of sobriety from alcohol. November 14, 2020. It was a Saturday, so Megan and I decided to take a "break" from isolating and went to a comedy club to see one of my favorite actor's stand up routine. The only reason we decided to do this was that the club SUPPOSEDLY had super strict COVID guidelines. Yeah. Right. What a joke. The show was hilarious, but that club was NOT SAFE. We are so fortunate we walked out of there without catching the 'rona. 

Thanksgiving was weird, but nice. We didn't have a typical "family" holiday. Mom and Nick came over to our place. We ordered a big turkey dinner from Ingrid's, picked it up the day before and just warmed it up. Nick napped on the couch. I napped in the recliner. Mom and Megan talked... and talked... and talked... I guess some things never change. :-) 

Expect the Unexpected...

 

So this post is a complete and total re-write. When I first started it on Monday, I was highlighting the fact that I am a super-duper planner. Put that up against the fact that our trip to Colorado last week went almost completely NOT as planned. For some odd reason, I had even compiled a bulleted list of things that went wrong with the trip. Ya know what? It was pretty depressing. I stopped where I was and decided I just needed to scrap that post and start over. This is a long post... so beware. So, here we go!

FINALLY, we set off for our Colorado adventure (that had been planned for TWO other attempts!) Wednesday after Megan got off from work. I had gotten off a few hours before, and had completely packed up Maxine. Megan took the first leg of the trip and drove us to Amarillo, with a quick pit-stop in Elk City for some gourmet Sonic Drive-in for dinner. We topped off the tank in Amarillo and switched spots and I drove us the rest of the way to our first pit-stop in Trinidad, CO. The hotel wasn't the best, but at least it had a pretty comfy bed and that is ALL that mattered. We both wanted to get an early start the next morning, but our bodies woke us both up before we had originally intended to... so we got an even EARLIER start for the first full day of our journey. 

I thought it was adorable, the further north we went and as the mountains began to appear, Megan immediately started taking pics and "ooh-ing" and "aah-ing" a lot. I would tell her those weren't even the real mountains yet! She didn't care. Instead of driving straight up 25 into Denver, I took a left at Pueblo and drove us through Canon City, with the intention of spending some time at the Royal Gorge Bridge. I had memories of stopping there as a child and remembered how awesome it was and thought Megan would really enjoy it. When we arrived, the surroundings had lots of picture-worthy scenery. We made the trek through the parking lot to the entry and found out that they charged... $30 PER PERSON!? I was totally bummed and prayed that was not a sign of things to come, but Megan still enjoyed it and took everything in stride. We decided to continue on to the next stop of our journey.

The closer we got to Breckenridge, the scenery truly got more and more beautiful. We had planned to hike this 2-mile trail that led to a waterfall, but decided to seek out lunch first. We drove the whole way into Breckenridge and saw that this WINTER ski-town was absolutely packed. Like, way more than it should've been. Apparently, everyone else and their dog had the same idea about vacationing up in the mountains. I began to get frustrated with the amount of people and the traffic. The Breckenridge Subway was impossible to get to, so we went ahead and drove into Silverthorne. After we ate, we decided that we were tired and basically just wanted to get to the hotel... but it was too soon for check-in. So, we decided to mark off one of the things on our "to do" list and hike to Sapphire Point Overlook. We accomplished the hike... but I swear I almost died on the way there. I truly realized how absolutely out of shape I was. I COULD blame it on the altitude or the smoke in the air from the fires out west, but I knew that the main reason was all this extra weight I'm carrying around my gut. But, we got there. The overlook was absolutely beautiful. Lots of pics, including a selfie, were taken and I Facetimed Mom to share the experience with her. We huffed and puffed our way back to the car and drove back down the mountain. We stopped at the lake and stuck our feet in the COOOOOOOLD water for a bit, then made it to the hotel.

The hotel. It had one working lamp. The hallway smelled like weed. The front desk people liked to play "hide and seek." But it was in a nice location and it had a comfy bed. So 2/5 ain't half bad. We crashed. Hard. Relaxed in the hotel for the rest of the night. Picked up Chipotle for dinner. Watched Big Brother and went night-night. The next morning, we had originally planned to hike a few more trails and spend most of the day in Silverthorne/Dillon/Breckenridge. We woke up to a super hazy atmosphere that made it to where you could barely see the mountains (and you're smack dab in the middle of them!) or breathe. We decided it was safer to make our way out of the mountains and down into Denver. We'd have to miss out on the trails and "Isak Heartstone," but made a promise to each other that we would get into shape and come back and try again.

My favorite thing in the whole world is the drive between Silverthorne and Denver. The mountains, the Clear Creek that runs next to the highway. It's windy and beautiful and just about as close to perfect as possible. It was cold... and smokey... I just wasn't happy with it. But, just like before, Megan seemed to enjoy it and was totally happy with the experience. We got down from the mountains and had PLENTY of time to kill before we were able to check in. I took her to experience the wonderful world of TATTERED COVER bookstore (we had to wait an hour until they opened)... we walked up and down (a little bit anyway) the 16th Street Mall. I took her for a ride on her first public transit bus. I drove her by the capitol building and the Denver Civic Center. Then, we literally drove around for like 6 hours. Luckily, the hotel let us check in like an hour early. The hotel was SO NICE. The staff was awesome, the hotel public spaces were so nice and our room was basically perfect. Such a comfy bed. So a big A+ from me! We went and crashed for a couple of hours.

For dinner, we got up and around and we went to the super delicious Gunther Toody's. Then we just kinda relaxed around until it was time to finally crash. Speaking of crashing... the next morning we decided to wake up early and go to VOODOO DOUGHNUTS for breakfast. What a fun place! We got a nice wide variety of interesting shaped donuts (lol). On the way there, I had an interesting ...experience... with a Denver native riding an electric scooter. But it all turned out okay. :-)  After gorging ourselves on explicitly-shaped baked goods, we spent a good portion of Saturday relaxing in the hotel room. We eventually did venture back out to indulge in one of the best burgers I think I've ever had, at CROWN BURGER. Initially, I thought Crown Burger was just a small chain that could be found in the Salt Lake City area, but I was (thankfully mistaken). We had accidentally found a lone Denver location while taking the long way back to the hotel from Voodoo earlier in the day. We picked up the burgs and drove up to the street to the pretty campus of Denver University. We came back to the hotel and started the depressing process of packing our bags to get ready to hit the road for home.

We got up pretty early and started packing up the car. We had leftover donuts for breakfast and got on the road. We didn't have to go far before we made a small detour to go through the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado Springs to see some beautiful rock formations. We hit up their gift shop and then started the journey back home. Other than an A/C unit that was getting kinda wonky on us near the end and having to dodge some storms as we drove through Texas, the trip back home was just as safe and uneventful. We pulled into our garage on fumes. We were super tired, kinda glad to be back home, but kinda sad that this adventure we had been waiting on for YEARS was over. We are going back again. Soon, if I have any say! What adventure shall we plan for next?

So, it was far from the perfect trip, like I had previously mentioned. Lots of stuff got kinda sideways. But it was still a LOT of fun and Megan and I will be able to share these memories with each other for years to come. I'm grateful for the time that we got to spend together. She's a good little copilot, both in life AND in road trips. :-) 

Rocky Mountain Hiiiiiighh...

Just ask anyone who knows me relatively well, and they'd probably be able to tell you that my favorite city that I've visited would be Denver. If I had to move today, that would probably be my new "go-to" locale. I'm not sure what it is... it just seems to have so much fun "city" stuff, but is right there at the foot of the Rockies and can give you some of the most beautiful nature scenery that you've ever seen. You've never been? I highly, highly (was that a mountain joke? Or a legalized marijuana joke? Hmm...) recommend it!!!

The last trip I made to Denver seemingly ended as quick as it began. Mom and I flew in late one night, and we were home before the next night. It was a great trip that gave Mom a brief experience of mountain scenery and just whet my appetite just enough to make sure I would long to return as soon as possible. We did make some stops at some must-see Denver sites (Tattered Cover bookstore), but we spent most of our time up in the mountains. It was cold and wet, but otherwise a great trip.

A few years later, Megan and I planned to spend our first vacation together taking a road trip back to the Rocky Mountain State. Some car troubles 72-hours before we were scheduled to leave changed those plans and we wound up going to Dallas. It was a good trip... but no competition to a trip to Colorado. Ever since then, it has been at the top of our list. The next trip somehow took us to Lawton. Yeesh. We were FINALLY planning on going to Denver this spring, to celebrate the successful conclusion of the Spring semester and to enjoy some R and R before the chaotic Summer semester kicked off. Sadly, the 'rona interfered with that and we decided to postpone. Neither of us felt safe travelling with the pandemic AND we weren't sure on whether or not we should use up PTO that might need to be used for other things (like quarantining or something). The 'rona is still going strong, but the Summer semester was such a doozy that I decided that I HAD to get out of town for a bit. We made a few changes to Denver plans, which basically just means spending time in the mountains and/or away from people.

So... unless the car acts up within the next (under) 24 hours... Denver is FINALLY happening. We hit the road tomorrow. Wish us luck! I'll post another blog of our adventures soon!

1000 Days...

It has been 1000 days since I took my last drink. That's almost 33 months. 24,000 hours. You've read my other posts, so it's needless to say that my life has changed... a lot. The most sobriety I've ever claimed before was around 11 months, when in all honesty it was more like a couple of weeks or a handful of days. I've never made it far at all to really enjoy what sobriety had to offer and I most DEFINITELY did not believe what people were telling me when we would read "the promises" out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today, I can tell you they are TOTALLY true.

We are going to know a NEW freedom and a NEW happiness. 

We will not regret the past... nor wish to shut the door on it. 

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know PEACE.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away. 

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will CHANGE!

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises?

I DEFINITELY THINK NOT!

One Step Closer...

I can TOTALLY relate to the picture of the runner above. Mentally and (somehow) physically exhausted. Stumbling, but falling across the finish line FACE FIRST. The third semester of my MSW is in the books, and it appears that I'll (miraculously) get to hold on to my 4.0 GPA! I would probably go as far to say that this has been my favorite semester, getting to experience my first practicum as well as going through a class in a subject matter that I had never really considered as possible career path... until now. I've been pretty focused on the idea of a career that, while giving myself other opportunities, mainly focuses on working with people struggling with substance abuse/addiction issues. The course I completed was "theory, practice and evaluation with families and groups." I wasn't too intrigued by the group portion, but I was surprisingly interested in the family portion and learned a lot. The professor was a total ball-buster, but she was absolutely amazing. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I was her favorite. Toot toot.

OKC Metro Alliance and Firstep worked with me and they created an employment-based practicum where I was able to complete my practicum hours while staying on the job. It was SUPER nice because it made it possible where I wasn't having to "work" extra hours to get through practicum. It didn't seem like much at first, but I realized later how much I learned and accomplished through this semester's practicum work at Firstep. I was able to see a lot of different perspectives and angles on how a facility like this is run and how a facility like this COULD be run.

All in the meanwhile, the world continued to turn. I'd love to be able to say that our situation is exponentially better since I last posted in May... but it hasn't been. COVID still continues to rage. We had just turned a corner and started to maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rather than pressing on and getting this pandemic behind us, people took that as a sign that we were all clear and should probably go ahead and open back up. In most areas of the country that numbers are just as bad, if not worse, as when this whole ordeal began. Dumb people around the world actually argue with scientists about the legitimacy of this pandemic, whether or not masks help (duh), and how we as a people should respond. So frustrating.

Shortly after my last post, there were a string of horrid incidents involving police brutality which ended in the needless murders of black people. When an unarmed George Floyd was handcuffed and basically suffocated, it seemed like that set off something that had been simmering under the surface for many years. "Black Lives Matter" became a household phrase. Protests erupted across the country, including several very uneasy protests here in Oklahoma City. People were angry. People demanded change. But this time seems different. Usually, when these things have happened in the past, there are protests and rallies... but eventually it kinda goes away. Here we are, three months later, and there are STILL protests across the country. People are still angry and they are still demanding change. Politicians and the people in power are slow to make that change it seems, and people are going to remember that come November. This topic deserves a post of its own, and I didn't make one, because I believe that I needed more to just sit back and learn. As a white male, I don't really need to jump the forefront and share my opinion. 

I continue to count my blessings as life at home throughout 2020 has been mostly positive. Lots of little bumps and what-not, but we've persevered. I've remained employed throughout this whole ordeal. Megan has too. We've continued to get settled into our new little house together and have a nice routine and way of life worked out. My parents have managed to stay healthy, albeit probably a little stir-crazy since they mainly quarantine to stay safe. Even though I already have everything turned in, my semester officially ends tomorrow. I'll have a nice two-week downtime in which Megan and I are planning on taking a MUCH needed vacation. We're going to take a road-trip up into Colorado. We'll spend SOME time in Denver, but a good portion of time will be spent up in the mountains, staying socially distant and enjoying the scenery. It'll hopefully be relaxing and a great time! I'll need it to fill up my emotional/spiritual/mental/physical "gas tank" before the next semester starts on August 24th! Maybe I can plop out a couple more post in between now and then!

Puzzle Pieces...

So, at this point in May of 2018, I was still a client at Men's Firstep. I definitely had more time behind me than I did ahead of me, the finish line was in sight. By about February or March of 2018, my mindset about who I was or who I wanted to become was beginning to completely change. I was getting this picture painted for me, I believed by my Higher Power, that there was definitely a plan for me in place.  Post-graduation, I would be staying on at Firstep as a resident advisor. I would still be a part of the community per se, but I'd have more freedoms of a graduate. The pay was pretty nominal, but I thought that it would probably meet my needs at that time. The most important part would be getting to stay part of this community that had given me SUCH a better life. Although I had Megan, my family and SOOO many other positive things waiting for me on the outside... I was afraid to leave it.

At some point in early-to-mid April, they wanted a more concrete answer from me. Yes or No? Are you staying or going? I had several honest conversations with the director at the time, and it turned out that the pay was going to be even less than I thought it would be. I would still be able to live off of the amount, but there would be no way that I could afford to save up or do anything like buy a car or anything. After lots of prayer, and conversations with those closest to me, I had to accept the fact that the position with Firstep was NOT going to work. I think I put on a pretty good face, but I was absolutely devastated. I think, at least mentally, I had put all of my eggs into that basket. When that didn't work out, what exactly was I going to do? Firstep had given me a nice push in the right direction. I was newly sober and I would have a 6-month job history with a good reference, but I still wasn't certain that anyone "out there" would want me.

The most important part was that I trusted that God had the wheels in motion and that I could land somewhere. Before too long, Mom was sending me job openings from Indeed and Monster and all these other places. I'm pretty sure that I applied for about 43 gajillion jobs at OU. Not even a nibble from anywhere. My fears were coming true. I was right about the point where I thought I wasn't going to be able to keep cool anymore when Mom sent me a random Facebook ad. It was for a job posting for an outpatient treatment center, working in admissions. It sounded right up my alley, but the job posting was over a month old. I tried anyway. We obviously know that the story has a happy ending...

How often do we set out these intricate plans for life? "I'm going to accomplish A, then immediately move on to B and then eventually progress on to C." How often do those intricate plans actually work out seamlessly? We might accomplish B before we finish A. Sometimes we go from A all the way to J, then have to go all the way BACK to point A before it's all said and done. Beforehand, that was a perfect reason to get absolutely trashed. It was probably a good explanation as to why I was perfectly happy being stagnant. "If I don't even make the plans, I won't have to face the disappointment when those plans inevitably fail." Sometimes plans DON'T work. Often they don't. It's important (for me anyway) to keep at it AND to keep an open mind. Because, in the long run, you might not reach that original goal you set. But the goal you DID achieve can turn out to be far greater.

Life @ 35...

Flash back to 10 years ago...

25 was supposedly a big deal. Well, I thought that I was a big deal and so that meant me turning 25 was a big deal worth celebrating. My little group of friends spent a lot of time, effort and money and threw me a pretty awesome birthday party... complete with amazing barbecue, a DELICIOUS cake and lots and LOTS of booze. My brothers and their wives came out. If I can remember correctly (I can't remember much), I think my friends put in the effort to invite some co-workers out too. It was a lovely evening... or it WOULD'VE been lovely, if my budding alcoholism had not totally trashed it. By the end of that night, or more like the next morning... It was about this time that I had started to realize a few things about myself, and some of them were definitely not pleasant.

On the surface, I had my shit together. I was young and skinny (oh so pretty). I had a job that paid me more than I was worth. I had a place of my own (well, sorta on my own... my roommate was never home, which was AWESOME).  I was plugging along in school. I had a booming social life.  Life was fairly picturesque for 25 year old John.

On the inside, I may have had my youth but I was NOT healthy. Little did I know that the job was soon going to be on very thin ice and fail me (or I guess I failed it). The roommate eventually asked me to move out. I may have been in school, but I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. My social life was so shallow and I was about to run away the few loyal friends that I had. It wasn't nearly as pretty as it looked. I was realizing that my sexuality, even as a recently "out" gay man, wasn't as black and white. And, to top it all off, I was starting to come to terms that I might have a problem with alcoholism.

You definitely know the story, that alcoholism definitely blossomed over the next decade. But it isn't the nightmare it sounds like it would be. Believe it or not, it DOES have a happy ending...

Now, I've taken the pain and experiences and turned it into a career working with others struggling with addiction issues. I finished my first degree and am well on my way into my second one, with a VERY clear picture of what I want to do "when I grow up." I may not be in the best shape of my life, but I've learned that health is so much more than just physical. I've accepted that sexuality isn't black and white. I've found someone that I'm more than happy with and is happy with me. She accepts me for me and loves every bit of it. It may be small in number, but I have the best group of friends I ever could have asked for. Plus, I'm actually on good terms with my family... and I love my family.

Corona definitely throws some curveballs into the first 24 hours of my new year, but I know this is only temporary. Things will either go back to "normal"... or they won't. If they don't, I have a program and people that teach me that I can adapt and grow and accept the things that I cannot change... but remembering to have the courage to change the things that I can. With the state of things, it is odd to feel optimistic about the upcoming year. But I am. I'm going to make the best of it. I'm excited to see what #35 has in store for me.

The Quarantine Cut...

An unforeseen circumstance to a worldwide pandemic is the need to close the majority of businesses that serve the public to limit exposure. That means restaurants, movie theaters, gyms, retail stores like Best Buy or JC Penney... and hair salons. When local and state governments made the move to shut stuff down, it was like March 16th-ish, and I wasn't QUITE in dire need of a cut yet... but man, was I close. I thought I had the tenacity to tough it out and make it until stuff started re-opening. "I'd be glad to cut your hair, if you want," Megan kept offering. I would violently shake my head in protest. Nope. She'd botch the job and I'd wind up hating her forever (okay, that may be a bit dramatic, but you get the point).

A month in and my hair was getting quite woolly. As soon as it started doing that annoying thing where it was going over my ears and curling, I had had enough. I snapped. I started making comments about being willing to just buzz it off myself. The buzz cut was NOT a good look on me, I looked like a fat fuzz ball or a real life version of Bobby from "King of the Hill..." but I was willing. Megan would gently remind me that her offer still stood. What did I have to lose? If she DID botch it, I was already to the point where I was willing to buzz it... so I could just chop it off. So here goes nothing.

We got the clippers from my parents and set up shop in our bathroom. Megan went to town. I offered very little help, other than to give her a hard time and make panicky/sobby faces or occasionally throwing out a random chuckle or whimper. There was some discussion on where to do the fade. Lower? Or higher up? Whoa... that's high. I look like I'm in the military now. :-) It was a challenge to make sure sideburns and stuff were even, but she did pretty dang good. Just one random buzz on the back of my head, where she took it too close... but even that isn't that bad. I had a coworker today tell me today that it just looked like a natural bald spot. NO! I'M NOT BALD! lol

After it was all said and done... the cut looked good and felt GREAT! There was hair E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  We definitely learned a few things that we would do differently IF we have to do thing. It'll probably be a buzz cut. It's getting done in the garage. Shake the towels/clothes off in the trash can instead of throwing them (full of hair) directly into the washing machine. Once we got cleaned up and rested... I was quite pleased with my new quarantine cut. Megan was quite pleased with herself. This was just another example of how I'm pretty fortunate to have an awesome partner to "self isolate" with.

A (TV) Review for YOU! Special... A Return to "Hill House..."

"The Haunting of Hill House" debuted to unsuspecting audiences around the world in October of 2018. The limited series on Netflix was presented as a totally different spin on the novel of the same name by Jackson and/or a different take on the movie "The Haunting" starring Liam Neeson that came out in 1999. I haven't had a chance to read the book (Megan says that it's good, just VERY different than the series) yet, but I can tell you that it is a MASSIVE improvement on the movie that came out in '99. Man, that movie sucked...

ANYWAYS... I originally watched the series shortly after it came out. I watched a couple of the episodes and then decided that I wanted to try and get Megan hooked into it as well. I definitely did. Our "vacation" to Dallas wound up turning into us dividing up time between a hotel room binge-fest of the show and occasionally running downstairs to the pool/hot tub. It was a surprisingly awesome little trip! Megan would (probably) say that the best part of the trip was going down to Magnolia/Waco. I would say it was finishing the show up in our room, and the scary and/or funny times we had.

Funny times, you say? Yep. Let me tell you about probably one of the funniest things that has EVER happened to me. One of the last nights we were there, Megan and I had the TV turned up louder than usual, to compete with the room next to us . During an intense conversation in one of the later episodes (I won't tell you which one) there is probably one of the best BOO! GOTCHA! moments I've ever experienced in any sort of movie or tv show. EVER. So amazing. Anyways, that scene happened... which caused Megan to scream very loudly and me to yell out "FUUUUUUUUUUU..." (you get the point) even louder. The room next to us got temporarily quiet lol. We eventually finished the series, checked out of the hotel and made our way back home. A great trip and an AWESOME show.

Recently, I was searching for something to "watch" while I did my homework (aka... have it on in the background while I write. I can sorta kinda pay attention to it or leave it) or during periods where I wanted to nap. For some reason I decided to watch this. It COMPLETELY failed, because I wasn't able to just "sorta kinda" pay attention and I most definitely wasn't able to nap. It captured my full-on attention again. Not quite two years later, and I had forgotten that the show was that good.

I'll skip the brief plot analysis. You probably know it by now. Or, at least, you should. The character development is top notch. They found such a great way to put together these great stories for the characters as individuals as well as how the characters interact with the group as a whole. Just like the Walking Dead is really a character-driven show that just happens to have zombies in it, "Haunting of Hill House" is a very character-driven show that just happens to take place partially in a haunted mansion. However, the mansion itself does become a sort of secondary character. You find yourself wanting to learn about its story or how it became the way it is when we first see it.

Out of 10 episodes, there are like maybe FIVE good BOO! GOTCHA! moments. But there are plenty of times where you are on the edge of your seating waiting for one. Usually, in scary movies, we DREAD dialogue. Like, just get to the scary part already! I think, in "Haunting," the dialogue really is the cherry on top of the show. The intense, yet thoughtful conversations between sisters Theo and Shirley as they drive down the road... or the conversation between son Steve with his father Hugh. It was definitely an impeccable screen play but it was the amazing performance from the actors that brought it home. I'm surprised there weren't more awards given out for it, especially for Oliver Jackson-Cohen for his portrayal of adult Luke Crain or Kate Siegel for her portrayal of adult Theo Crain. Near perfect!

Chances are you've already watched it. If not, watch it. If you have, watch it again... especially to go back and find all the "hidden" ghosts throughout every episode. Pretty cool. I give this TV show a haunting 9.5 out of 10!!!

The Year of the 'Rona...

I was at home on March 12, when I watched officials decide to call off the game between the Thunder and the Utah Jazz, out of concern about COVID-19. It was a bit of silliness really, if you asked me. This was just a big, overgrown version of the flu.

As program coordinator for FIRSTEP, I had talked with various group leaders and other volunteers that come out to the center about what policies we had in place to prevent the spread of Coronavirus. Spread? What spread?? One by one, they all decided to start cancelling services until further notice. I totally respected their decision, but I didn't quite understand. After all, it was just a big, overgrown version of the flu!

Over that weekend, life seemed to change dramatically. It was the last time I got to hug my parents. Stories began to hit the news about hoarding of toilet paper and other "essential" items at the grocery store. I went to Sam's to pick up a few things, but nothing too extreme. They had a little bit of toilet paper, but absolutely NO soap or other cleaning supplies. People were taking this awfully seriously, for just a big version of the flu...

Monday came along and we heard news that our corporate office had made the decision to effectively put the center on "lock down." No more passes or visitation, we also wouldn't be accepting any new clients until further notice. I knew this was going to go over like a turd in a punch bowl, and it did. We had a handful of clients leave, those that stayed behind were pretty unhappy and made sure we knew about it.

I started to read up on it. I started to take it seriously. I went to the store to get a few more things, because I didn't want to have to go back for a while. The store was BARE. It was stark. It was scary. I honestly had to fight back the tears, because I didn't know what to think. For the first time in a while, I thought that one of those bottles of wine they sell in stores now might be a good idea... but no, I can't do that. I called my Mom. Asked her if she needed anything. I was able to get her a small little turkey breast. Helping her made me feel better. Now I just needed to get out of there.

Before too long, Oklahoma had it's first official case... but it was up in Tulsa. No big deal. He had just flown in from overseas and hadn't had any exposure. We can beat this. Then another one popped up, then another. Then we got the first case in Oklahoma City. Then the first one happened in Cleveland county. Then it just EXPLODED. It seemed overnight we couldn't keep up with the number of new cases... and the number of people dying from this new disease.

Here we are, a little over a month later since this debacle started. It's been five days since I last posted and the number of infected has blown up to nearly 140,000. We have lost 108 souls in Oklahoma. Some "experts" state that we are at the peak, or at least near it. Once we hit that peak, it can only get better from here. But then you listen to other experts, and some think that we might have to practice some form of social distancing at least until 2022 or until a vaccine is in widespread distribution. I don't think we'll ever return TOTALLY to the way it was before this whole thing happened, but I can only pray for some form of "normalcy" and that it happens sooner rather than later.

Quarantine N Chill...

It has been 99 days since the last time that I posted. Yikes. Sorry about that...

At about the 30 day mark, I was thinking that the BIGGEST change in life would be the fact that Megan and I had made the decision to take an "until further notice" break from going out to the movies almost every weekend. This was due to the fact that we were at the AMC theater in Penn Square during a shooting and it, needless to say, left a bad taste in our mouths. We were fine... but we had a pretty bad case of movie theater PTSD.

Life continued. We still went to work. We eventually did make it back to the movie theater... a DIFFERENT movie theater. It was a one-time thing, a special event with a friend. It was totally worth it, but we were still a-ok with not going. I started my SECOND semester of grad school. It's been a doozy, but I've enjoyed it overall. I've started the process of getting ready to do practicum work in the summer. It should be a fun and exciting experience (hopefully).

At about the 60 day mark, the anxiety-inducing feelings that came along with that event started to subside. We readjusted to our "new normal" and found out new things to do on weekends. It was nice too, because it helped put some money back in our pockets.. which was desperately needed since we had FINALLY MOVED IN TOGETHER. We wound up finding a cute little house in Moore. I moved in at the end of February, she moved in a few weeks later. It's a great house in a great neighborhood. It's just overall a really good fit. We seem to be pretty happy. It hasn't been a PERFECT transition, but most of that is due to situations that are definitely out of our hands. 

At about... oh, I dunno, like the 80 day mark, we've had plenty of new words thrown into our everyday vocabulary. "COVID," "CORONAVIRUS," "SOCIAL DISTANCING," "SELF-ISOLATION," "FAUCI.," "PANDEMIC."  All words that I didn't think I'd be using on a fairly regular basis. A new virus first hit the states in late February, early March. Things really changed in Oklahoma on March 16th. Firstep initiated some pretty strict lockdown protocol. Megan started working from home. We haven't been able to see our families, for fear of unknowingly spreading the virus to them. They encourage wearing masks in public. Over 100,000 people have died worldwide since this whole ordeal has started. There have been 88 deaths in Oklahoma. There are just sometimes it seems like something out of a bad horror film. We all just kinda seem to do what we can day-in and day-out, hoping that eventually we'll find some sort of "normal" again.

So... here we are at 99 days later. Some experts are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. People are starting to get cautiously optimistic. We are doing what we can to "flatten the curve," but still manage to live a "normal" life. Megan and I worked today, I got home and napped and then we picked up some dinner and watched some wrestling. We are SO fortunate. So blessed. There are millions of people out there who have lost their jobs because of this. There are thousands of people out there who have died because of this. If the only thing I face is an inconvenience because I have to wear a mask in public? Or an inability to visit places I love, like Vintage Stock or Best Buy? Hell yeah, I'm blessed.

The Year of the Silver Screen...

So, for two years now, my top ten list has consisted of SOMETHING regarding a desire to see more movies IN the actual theater. 2019 marked the first year that I've been able to do that, partially because I have a kickass movie partner and the other is because of the "AMC Stubs A-List" program. For a little over $40 a month, Megan and I have the option to see up to THREE movies in a single week. The most we've been able to pull off at any given time is two in a night, but even with just ONE in a week... the membership MORE than pays for itself. By the end of 2019, Megan and I saw a total of 42 movies. YEP! You read that right, forty two. That's a LOT of big tubs of popcorn. A LOT of time spent in the theater, but that's what we do. :-)

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald - I don't remember much about it. A solid "meh."
Escape Room - I liked it! A cheesy plot, but pretty appealing. I'll see the inevitable sequel.
Glass - A disappointing end to that trilogy. It started out strong, decent plot, shitty ending.
The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part - Eh. It lost me at musical. Cute movie, though.
Captain Marvel - A female superhero movie... set in the 90's. What's not to love?
Five Feet Apart - Meh. Typical Nicholas Sparks chick flick. 
Us - YES! I thought it was good. Interesting concept. Jordan Peele does good work.
Dumbo - A cute live action remake. Nothing super spectacular.
Pet Sematary - Remake. Changed it up from the original. I prefer the original. Still good, though.
Shazam! - I love Zachary Levi. I love superhero movies. This had both. 'Nuff said.
Long Shot - HILARIOUS! Charlize Theron can be funny?! Typical Seth Rogen stoner movie.
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu - I love Ryan Reynolds. I love Pikachu. This had both. 'Nuff said.
Aladdin - Cute live action remake. Cool "girl power" plot. I miss Robin Williams.
Booksmart - HILARIOUS! Like "Superbad," but with girls. Much better than Superbad.
Brightburn - What if Superman had crashed to Earth... and been EVIL!? Good plot. Great movie.
The Dead Don't Die - Had such potential! Bill Murray! Zombies! Jim Jarmusch is just too weird...
The Hustle - Eh. Big girl Rebel Wilson plays comedy relief to "hot" Anne Hathaway. Meh. 
Godzilla: King of the Monsters - Godzilla versus all the other monsters! Cool Summer movie.
Men In Black: International - A cute new take on the "MIB" movies. Pawny was the best, though.
Toy Story 4 - Cute. No different than Toy Storys 2-3, really. Could've been like 45 minutes shorter.
Child's Play - Not too bad. An interesting modern take on Chucky.
Yesterday - Cute movie. Great soundtrack.
The Lion King -Eh. Not horrible. Pretty much shot for shot a total remake. Nothing new.
Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood - A Tarantino win! An interesting take on "history." I liked!
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark - I heart Guillermo Del Toro. A good, sorta-scary movie!
Good Boys - HILARIOUS! Like "Superbad," but with fifth grade boys. Good ol' toilet humor lol
It: Chapter Two - A surprisingly deep and awesome ending to the IT movies. Thumbs up!
Joker - Easily wins for my fave of the year...
Gemini Man - It's in a close race with "The Dead Don't Die" for biggest disappointment...
Zombieland: Double Tap - Not as good as the original... but still hilarious!
Terminator: Dark Fate - Take the bad-ass Terminator... and make him a family man!? MEH.
Midway - Typical Roland Emmerich big budget, big explosion war movie. Pretty good, though!
Doctor Sleep - Sequel to "The Shining." Not sure if I liked how it ended, but it was still good.
Jojo Rabbit - A close second for fave of the year...
Ford V. Ferrari - Kinda bleh if you aren't a car person. But it has great character development.
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - Suuuuuuch a good movie. Not what I expected, but great!
Knives Out - Interesting take on the "Whodunit" movie. I enjoyed it so much, I saw it TWICE! lol
Jumanji: The Next Level - Super cute and funny sequel to the Rock's Jumanji remake.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - Good, but not great. A satisfying end to the Skywalker saga.
Bombshell - Great movie, eye-opening look at what it's like to be a woman in the world of media.

Oops, I was wrong. Make that forty ONE movies... but, still! That's a lot of movies! SO many good ones, too. There were a few duds in there, but nothing horrible. I'm excited to see what 2020 brings in the world of movies... The Grudge remake, the new Dr. Dolittle, Bad Boys 3, the new James Bond, the new Harley Quinn movie, so on and so forth... it'll be another good year in the movies :-)

2019: Year In Review...

I'd say 2019 was a year of EPIC growth and change on my behalf, and I'm not just talking about my weight!! (bahh dum tss!) In January 2019, I plugged myself back into school and managed to FINALLY achieve that college degree. I wasted no time and applied for graduate school, with the intention of graduating with my MSW by December 2021. I continued to move forward with my career: I started off the year with my position at SOS, made a temporary jump to the Oklahoma County Crisis Center, BACK to SOS and then wrapped up the year as a brand new case manager with Men's Firstep. I worked towards the goal of moving back out "on my own" sometime in 2020... that goal is becoming more and more clear. My relationships and friendships continue to flourish. Most importantly, I reached my TWO year sobriety point in November, and will (if all goes as planned) be ringing in the new year completely sober for the third year in a row! So, let's take a lookie at my top ten list that I created back in January and see how I did?!

10. MOVIES! I wanted to see more movies in the actual theater, and I'd say this was a massive success! Megan and I just the AMC Stubs A-list at the beginning of the year. By the end of the year, Megan and I have seen 42... yes, that's right, FORTY TWO movies. I'm gonna do a post on those movies later, but I saw some pretty dang good ones and some absolutely horrendous movies. All in all, thought, it was worth it and a total good time!

9. Road trip. Eh. Not quite. We made it to Lawton, which is hardly a vacation destination. We drove through the Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge, which was very... refuge-y? Didn't really see a whole lot. We made a quick drive through the quaint little town of Medicine Park. We would've explored it a little more, except it was the same weekend as a MASSIVE Jeep rally that literally took up the whole town. We did get to stop and see Megan's Granddad. We also watched the entire third season of Stranger Things lol.

8. Becoming a better blogger. Eh. Not so much. But it's totally justified! Once I got back into school, it seems like I'm constantly writing at LEAST one paper. Stopping and writing a blog post seems kinda like wasting time, although I know that it helps get the rest of the junk out of my head and clear the way for somewhat thoughtful papers.

7. Schedule clarity. Yeah, no. I think this one actually might've gone backwards. BUT I think it is also totally justified. I did add a thing or two to my schedule, that wasn't there at the beginning of 2019. I think I just need to find that sense of acceptance that my schedule is going to be borderline chaos and just try to do the best I can... but grant myself from grace when stuff goes haywire from time to time!

6. Focusing on the world "out there." This one was kind of vague, but an ideal goal to have. I do have to set quite a large amount of time aside for me... trying to juggle work, school and my sobriety. But I do need to set aside time for others, be there for other people, be aware of the world around me. Pay attention to what is going on. Note the little things to be grateful for. 

5. Improving my health. Yup. That one didn't happen. There's always 2020. 

4. Improving my sense of patience. I'd say I'm getting better. It makes sense that everything is going to happen, but none of it seems to be happening anytime soon. Everything has some sort of timeline to it. I need to do my taxes, but I can't do them right now. I'd like to find a place of my own, but I can't really right now. I want to go on vacation, but I can't...well, you get the point. Also, I'd say I'm getting better at being patient with the sense that we don't always get the answer we want. If I could count, in the last 2 years, the number of times that I got an answer that I didn't originally want, only to find out the answer I DID get was exponentially better than anything I expected... it'd be a pretty dang big number. A big part in that, though, is your response and how you react to getting that original "no" or answer that you don't want.

3. Continued job growth. Mission accomplished! I jumped around a bit in 2019, but ultimately landed in a position or within an agency that I am fairly confident could grow into an actual career and not just a job. I'm excited to see what happens in 2020!

2. Continuing my education. Definitely mission accomplished! My first degree hangs on the wall in my office... and I'll have degree number two in a matter of two short years!

1. Staying sober. TOTAL mission accomplished. I didn't have to take one single drink in 2019. I won't lie and say that the temptations and urges weren't there occasionally, but this program has given me the tools to handle those and know how to stay sober. I'm pretty positive I'm going to stay sober today. I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too! 

'Twas the season...

Welp, the blur that was the 2019 holiday season is in the rearview mirror. It may have taken literal months to prepare for it all, but it was over in what seemed like a matter of hours. I mean, it was a great season, but we get all worked up for... that? I'd like to think "huzzah! 2020 is going to be DIFFERENT!" But, that's probably not going to happen. This is just how we do it. I'm going to stress way too much and SPEND way too much, just because I want to make sure that my people are happy. I'm pretty certain they are going to do the same for me, and I definitely have plenty to be happy about...

Retirement!

I've always known how hard of a worker my mom has been. She's worked her tail off to make sure that her family has had what it needed. There have been countless times that she has put her three boys ahead of her. So, all the puzzle pieces have finally fallen into place where she can FINALLY retire. Her countdown that she has been following for well over a year has finally hit ZERO days. On December 13, we were invited up to Children's to watch Janet and the rest of the PICU crew show their appreciation for Mom's hard work. It was awesome watching all of these doctors, big wigs, and other suits recognize Mom for basically building the PICU from nothing into the big moneymaking powerhouse that it is today. I'm so friggin proud of her! We packed all of her stuff up and brought it home. She left her office for the last time on December 20 and now (hopefully!) gets to enjoy a life of a little more leisure! She definitely deserves that R&R.

Some of us STILL have to work...
Since I will probably never get to retire (maybe? maybe not? lol), I still wake up and go to work on a near-daily basis. I'm fortunate that I have a job where I actually enjoy what I do. Well, for the most part. :-) I think I've made that transition of "new guy" to just one of the guys. There are rough points, but what job doesn't have those? For the most part, those points are when I feel like I'm failing to reach the guys. But I've had plenty of good moments that remind me that you're not going to reach EVERYONE... but that I am making a difference. I look forward to continuing my education and then hopefully applying what I learn and my degree towards growing my career within this agency. That's the goal, anyway!

Winter BREAK!

December 6 was the final day of my FIRST semester of graduate school. I'm super proud of myself that I wrapped up the semester with STRAIGHT friggin A's! That's how we do this! I'm already enrolled in my classes for next semester, and it sounds like it'll be a doozy of a semester! Nine more hours of classes that involve stuff like POLICY and RESEARCH. God grant me the strength to get through the Spring and put three MORE A's on my transcript!

The Post Christmas Holi-daze

I think I started plotting out my Christmas plans, at least when it comes to presents, mid-October. I purchased my first gift around the beginning of November. We've been planning a day or so worth of "stuff" for over two months... and it's just over in the snap of a finger. BUT I'd say it was worth it. The presents that I gave out brought smiles to people's faces. People got me some pretty awesome presents this year, too. The thought, not necessarily the stuff, definitely reminds me: "hey! You're loved!" I was off from work Christmas Eve (a Tuesday) and Christmas Day (a Wednesday)... only to have to go back to work Thursday and Friday. THEN, this week, I'm off tomorrow (a Wednesday) for New Year's Day. I'm not quite sure what days are holidays, what days are weekends and what days are supposed to be work?! It all just kinda blurs together. I actually look forward to next Monday (the 6th) when life goes back to somewhat normal. THEN school starts back the following Monday (the 13th) and it's back to not having a life. I keep telling myself it'll be worth it. :-)

An Attitude of Gratitude...

TWO years. 24 Months. 104 Weeks. 730 Days. Over 17,000 Hours! Happy "Birthday" to meeeeeee!!!!!!

At any given time, in the Oklahoma City metro area, you can walk into one of the local Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouses and find a meeting being held on the topic of "gratitude." I think the number of gratitude meetings increases tenfold during the month of November, probably to coincide with Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season. Some in recovery absolutely love gratitude meetings, while others absolutely despise them. While I don't see the point in loathing the meetings, I guess I could understand their being a point in time where I would be like "meh. Don't tell me what to do. If I'm cranky, let me be cranky! I have nothing to be grateful for!" Fortunately, I'm not in one of those moods right now, nor have I been in quite some time! Life has been just one big steaming pile of change here lately, but it's all good. It's not easy, but it's good. Plus, by the time November comes around, I have PLENTY to be grateful for...

Work, work work!
Shortly after Labor Day, it started to become pretty impossible to ignore the fact that I needed to start looking elsewhere for work. I needed a bump in pay, since I'll be moving out in March. I also needed to find a job that had a little more flexibility with the hours, since I'll start working on practicum hours this summer. For those reasons, and a few others, I started the job hunt once again. It didn't take too long before some potentials popped up. Within a few weeks, I had a job offer from DHS... AND a job offer from Men's Firstep as their new program coordinator. Although the position with DHS definitely paid more, my heart told me to take the position with Firstep. I turned in my resignation and started working full time for OKC Metro Alliance (Firstep) on October 21, 2019.

We're three weeks in and I absolutely love it. I get to work directly with the guys and help them maneuver through the program and they help me on a daily basis by reminding me what it was like to be a client/resident of Firstep. You're either one of those clients that is HUNGRY for sobriety, willing to do anything you can to get it or you're not. The only difference between where I was and where I am now is that I need to work with those "not" clients and meet them where they are. I can't make them WANT sobriety, but I can show them that it is achievable and it has some pretty kick-ass results.

School Daze
So there obviously has been something keeping me pretty occupied for the last two months (since I haven't written anything in that time) and you would be a PRETTY good guesser if you said that the prime culprit of what gobbles up my time is SCHOOL. I was enrolled in nine hours (three classes) this first semester. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but... damn. Between work, school and "other (everything else in life), it takes some pretty creative juggling to make it all jive. Overall, I'd say I'm moderately successful. I have work down and I can definitely fit school in there, but it is satisfying that "other" category that is proving to be a bitch. I just don't have enough time in the day! There's "me" time, relationship time, sobriety time, family time... all of that. Ugh. I'm workin' on it.

ANYWAYS... school is going great. I absolutely love my classes and I feel like I'm learning a LOT. They aren't wasting your time with any filler classes, they are just going straight for the juicy stuff. They are teaching us EXACTLY what we need to do to get our license and get out there and WORK! The subject matter, while challenging, is exactly what I love. The work is difficult and time-consuming, but it makes me think "man, I KNOW that I'm going into the right field" on a daily basis. This first semester is nearing the end, and it looks QUITE possible that I'll make straight A's. I just have to keep up the work until December 6!

If all of those puzzle pieces fall perfectly into place over the next two years, I'm really hoping that the "school" part of life and the "work" part of life just kind of meld together. I really hope that I can take my degree and I apply it to working with Metro Alliance and I can just kind of continue to "grow up" within this organization and stay here after graduation. That's the ideal situation anyway...

It's the Holiday Season (hoop-de-do and dickery dock...)
...and don't forget to hang up your sock! Sorry, I didn't mean to spontaneously start typing Christmas lyrics, but I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!!! Despite the mindless rigmarole of daily life, I absolutely love the holiday season. Especially now that I'm in somewhat of a position to be able to afford SOME sort of presents for my family. Even with the frustration/confusion of the who's, what's, when's and where's, it usually has a tendency to work itself out. Thanksgiving will be new this year, I'll be going up to Tulsa with Megan and having turkey day with her fam. I'll be off on Black Friday, but I doubt I do a whole bunch of anything special. Christmas Eve will consist of the "normal" holiday get-together with my fam. I think we're having it at Denise's... which was fun last year. Meg and I might have a little surprise up our sleeves. Christmas Day is also the usual, presents and breakfast in the morning and then I'll go see a movie with Ma and Nicky. What will we see? Who knows. I'm going to try and push for "1917." I haven't even gotten far enough to think about what in the world new year's includes... But I know everything will work out! I know I'm not super wealthy and life isn't PERFECT, but this is definitely where that "gratitude" month starts playing into everything. We (or I) have it pretty damn awesome, especially compared to the rest of the world. It's DEFINITELY amazing compared to how I was or where I was this time two years ago. This brings me to the next topic...

It's my Birthday (and I'll cry if I want to?)
By this time on November 13, 2017, the proverbial shit had already hit the fan and I was (probably?) laying on a cot at the Public Inebriate Alternative (aka the Drunk Tank) in Oklahoma City. My emotions spanned the entire spectrum from indifference to anger to giving up and finally to complete surrender. I'm fortunate that I had a family that was still willing to come and pick me up, even after the endless amounts of shit that I had pulled. We had a brief and stern, yet compassionate conversation when we got home. Then we went to bed, not knowing what the future would bring.

I was fortunate to have a girlfriend that didn't run for the hills when she found out that I had been keeping a not-so-little secret from her for about six months. These people stood by my side and helped me take the next steps from TRC and then on to long-term treatment at Firstep. Six months of ups and downs and struggles and victories. "Graduating" from Firstep and going back out into the "real world." Rebuilding my life. Working. Going back to school. GRADUATING school. Going BACK to school. Making the return to Firstep as staff instead of a client. All of it was possible because of brutal honesty with a police officer who decided to show me a little bit of mercy and turn right down one street instead of turning left onto another. Then I decided to keep my promise to Officer Loggins and I didn't pick up a drink on the 14th. I kept fighting and started to string days together.

Honestly, day 730 doesn't really feel a whole lot different than day 700. I'm excited and I'm proud, but this is life now. This is the new "normal." Parts of that old life still pop up every once in a while, but I have the tools to know how to handle them appropriately. Those tools help me get through day 730. I might even get a day 731...

The Adventures of John and the Springform Swimming Pool...

I was meandering though the state fair the other day and I walked into one of the big exhibition halls. It was just wall-to-wall full of random booths of people trying to sell odd knick knacks, tools, gadgets and stuff that you aren't going to find in any aisle of your local Target or Wal-mart. As I ventured closer to the back of the building, I saw this interesting looking swimming pool. It was like a gigantic springform pan that you use to make cheesecakes, only this one was being used as an above-ground pool. For some reason, I decided "ya know what, I'm going to go for a swim!" It was even more odd that the old guy that was selling these springform swimming pools thought nothing of it. He continued on with his business, talking with the other passers-by. I stripped down and hopped into the pool. The water felt absolutely incredible and I wasn't even the least bit fazed by the other fairgoers that kinda stared at me as they walked by, their mouths hanging open as they are about to drop their half-eaten corndogs on the floor of the exhibition hall. Every once and a while, a friend would walk by and say hello. I saw my friend Garrick, who asked "what in the world are you doing?!" I replied with "I'm swimming, duh." He shrugged dismissively and thought "well, whatever." He stood around and talked with me for a while as I noticed the shiny latch on the outside of the pool. Surely it wasn't like an actual springform pan, where if I pull that latch, this whole thing would open up. It HAS to be just decorative. As curiosity continued to get the better of me, I swam over and began poking at it and trying to figure out if it was real. It must've been real enough to get the old guy's attention, he began to warn me sternly against touching that. Even Garrick was telling me that wasn't such a good idea. I shrugged dismissively and thought "whatever" and continued doing what I was doing. As it appeared I was going to pull the actual latch, the random passers-by began to yell at me, waving their half-eaten corn dogs in the air and telling me to STOP!! I didn't listen. I pulled the latch and found it was just like a springform pan and water went E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. The other booths did NOT appreciate me getting their random knick knacks, tools and gadgets drenched with pool water. I shrugged dismissively as I put my clothes back on and walked away from the pool. "I wonder which building the new cars are in, I can never remember" I thought to myself as I left my self-induced chaos behind me for others to clean up.

Of COURSE this was a dream. It happened to me last night. It was totally random, other than the fact that I had been wondering when the state fair was going to get started back up again. But it caused me to stop and think about the dream and (of course) I was able to pull out some sort of weird meaning or reflection out of it, because... that's what I do. :-) It makes me think of my past, where I would make mistake after mistake, even with people yelling at me from the sidelines telling me "stop!" or "don't do that" and I'd do it anyway. So, most of the time, when I would make these mistakes, screw up or whatever, it was rarely ever me that faced the consequences. Now don't get me wrong, I faced PLENTY of consequences and paid a hearty price for my indiscretions, but I guess it was never enough to convince me to stop. But I pulled others into the mess with me. Anytime I made these stupid, selfish decisions to have fun and just swim a little, it was OTHER people's stuff that would wind up getting wet.

Mr. Needy McNeederson...

I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone the other morning, when this "memory" popped up. It  caused me to think about how life was back in those days. If I had a dollar for every time I came home from a stressful day at work, a long holiday full of family drama or some other event caused me to groan and utter the words "ugh, I NEED a drink," I would be a much wealthier man that wouldn't be worrying about financial aid or debt consolidation.

I think I was only a "normal" drinker for a VERY brief period of time. One of those drinkers that could take it or leave it. You could find a bottle in my fridge, and then come back several days later and possibly find that same bottle was still there. My schedule did not revolve around drinking, where I was going to acquire my next drink or recovering from the last time I drank. Even in those early days, I'd use the phrase of "needing" a drink fairly often. It seemed harmless to me, but I think there is power in those words of "want" or "need."

want: verb
1. to feel a desire for; wish for.
2. to wish, crave, demand, desire.

vs.

need: verb.
1. a requirement, necessary duty or obligation.
2. a lack of something deemed necessary.
3. urgent want, as of something required.

I think that super-thin line of alcoholism is in there somewhere. Like, after a shitty day at work, it makes sense to want that drink or you want something that is going to give you that sense of ease or relaxation. But, if it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Sigh. No drink. I'll be okay. I'll probably just go to bed early or whatever.

If you need that drink after that shitty day, that means that you simply cannot carry on until that drink happens. That drink takes precedence over a lot of other stuff in your life that should be happening right about now. If it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Yeah, no. Probably not. I'm going to devise some sort of ridiculous plan in which I will get that alcohol before the day is over... and THEN I can relax after shit super shitty day at work.

But, it doesn't just happen because of supper shitty days at work. It happens when you break up with someone, when you start dating someone, when it's raining, when the sky is blue... any day that ends in Y. You get to that point where you need it to go to sleep at night, you need it to really wake up and get going in the morning and you need it throughout the day. Most people are okay without it. You get some people that look forward to that post-work cocktail. Then, you have OTHER people who are so wrapped up into it, that they think it absolutely has to happen while they are at work. Not like I would know anybody like that, but I've heard rumors. :-)

To need that drink is such a sad place to be. It's so tiring. It's all-consuming. It's hurtful, not just to me, but those around me that I'm supposed to care about. I'm glad I don't have to live like that anymore.

Powerless Over Being Powerless...

As I entered into week TWO of school, I'm attempting to find that "new normal," figure out what exactly my schedule is supposed to be and achieve that perfect work/school/life balance. Well, I know one thing... this week was far from normal.

Monday was good, I'd say it was the closest to normal I had all week. I had a busier than usual morning, all but one of my enrollments showed up and I struggled to stay caught up with my "to do" list. I was fairly successful and I'm fairly confident that I ended the day on a pretty positive note. For the life of me, I can't even remember what I did after work other than come home and work on school stuff. That evening, I was in my own little world working on school and doing whatever the hell else I was doing and Mom and Nick were out in the living room in their own little British TV show world as well. We were all oblivious to the monster storm that was about to roll through the metro. When it arrived, it rocked and rolled but wasn't anything to be super concerned about. Heavy rains, straight-line winds, a few pop-up tornadoes here and there. However, Damon Lane and the Channel 5 news team were quite worried. They needed to consult a thesaurus to figure out new verbiage for the word "bad," because they used it... a lot.

It sure slammed the north side, up by Penn Square Mall and by my work. As it rolled south, it went just to the east of us. We were hit, but not bad. The storm was in and out within the course of a couple of hours. I was texting back and forth with a few coworkers and knew that the Northside was pretty bad, and that SOS was without power. Little did we know that this storm was going to put SOS out of commission for the REST OF THE FRIGGIN WEEK. I went back to work Tuesday morning, and each morning after that, thinking that "surely OG&E has gotten their act together and has put us back online." Nope. Nothing. I'd get on Facebook and see that all sorts of business and homes that were in the vicinity of SOS were getting their power back, only to seem like they had completely skipped by us and left us in the literal dark.

There is the part of me that was like "whee! I'm off from work!" I basically got to come back home, get into my comfy clothes, and alternate between naps and homework. Sounds pretty good to me! But then, there was the adult part of me that was like "uhhh... I would prefer to not use my PTO on something lame-ass like this." Not only was I using ALL of my PTO, I technically didn't have enough  and I wouldn't be getting paid for like 10 hours of it. Then, looking down the road, knowing the fact that I had THREE months to go and no PTO to cover myself with if something else were to occur. So the mind begins to race and wander. I begin to think things like, "well, it's okay now while I live at home... but if this were to happen NEXT year, I'd be f**ked." That then evolves into anger towards other people, places and things. I start making plans for big hefty changes and all of these things that I was going to say/do/change.

So I get stuck in this whirlwind of planning for these things that might NEVER happen (and they probably won't)... or they will... what does it matter? This falls smack dab under the category of "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." It never fails that, fairly frequently, I need to reel myself back in and tell myself STOP. LIVE FOR TODAY. FOCUS ON RIGHT NOW. You have homework, and plans tomorrow, movies to see, Megans to hang out with, Poke-waffles to make, etc.

I find it kind of ironic that, as I typed out this blog, I received a text message at 8:38PM from the director of the agency saying that power had been restored to SOS.

A MASTERful Week...

Week one is complete, my first grades are hitting the books and I'm starting to think to myself, "hey!  Maybe I can do this!" I had my fair share of doubts and insecurities, but it didn't take long for me to put those to rest. As I watched the introductory video to the program and to my class "Introduction to Professional Social Work," I immediately felt that sense of belonging... that this was the perfect program for me. Professor Franklin mentioned a "love for helping people, being passionate about issues that effect social economic justice, oppressing others or causing others to suffer." Being the suit-and-tie kinda guy that makes a lot of money and plays golf didn't really suit me (no pun intended), I feel much more comfortable down in the trenches with those who are having a rougher go at life.

My first class, like I previously mentioned is Introduction to Professional Social Work and is taught by Dr. Lori Franklin, who just also happens to be the director of the program. The course will span the entire 16-weeks of this first semester and is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It covers the history of social work, the different types of licensure, dealing with ethics issues, etc. Although the course itself doesn't seem to have a whole lot of "heart," Dr. Franklin seems to be the type that approaches social work from the emotional/heart/"this is why we do it" perspective. I like that, because that is the main reason that draws me to this field.

The second class is Human Diversity and Societal Oppression and is taught by Dr. Anthony Natale. It's an eight week course, but with 16 weeks worth of stuff crammed into it. Even with the pretty serious and potentially negative/downer subject matter, I'm super excited about this course. Dr. Natale seems to be pretty intimidating (at least to me), he seems to be the type that is VERY collegiate and uses a very educated vocabulary... that challenges even a word-nerd like myself. I'm up to the challenge, though. I've already made a 100% on my first paper for his class. He even said that I "rose to the challenge of the assignment." Yeah! Bring it!

I know it's only the beginning and there are PLENTY of weeks left, but I'm already excited and ready for what's next!

A Slight Change of Plans...

When I was a wee lad, I knew that I wanted to be a writer "when I grow up." Some kids wanted all the coolest toys for Christmas (heck, I did too), but I was tickled pink just getting a big box of (dot matrix printer) paper. The pages were perfectly lined, so my chubby little hands could write out all my thoughts and dreams out on paper. My imagination frequently ran wild and I thought it would be so cool to get to share my stories with the world. Not only would I get to share those stories, I'd get paid for it. I'd be like Oklahoma's own Dr. Seuss, minus all the weird rhyme-y shit. People would be buying up boxes of John Cloud's novels left and right, and I'd be making bazillions of dollars. I'd probably even have enough money for my very own Kraft Mac & Cheese fountain.

As I began to mature (at least a little) and I realized that the best way for my world to get used to my writing would be through journalism. In the ninth grade, I decided to join the school newspaper staff. As an up-and-coming writer for "The Paw Print," I was responsible for covering such hot topics as "cool locker decorating trends" and "the dangers of walking down Penn to the McDonald's after school." Ya know, the important stuff. I was absolutely hooked from the start. It was a great outlet for my writing, the teacher was super supportive and helped me grow in my writing and it was a great outlet for me to get out there and meet people. My newfound career continued into High School, when I joined the "Jag Wire" staff at Westmoore High School. I won over the notoriously strict teacher and convinced her to love me. Of course, by the time I was a senior, I became the editor-in-chief. I'm still not quite sure how that happened...

When I started thinking about colleges, I set my sights on the big time... I wanted to go to Columbia University, which was VERY well known for it's college of journalism. I'd settle on Oklahoma, which also had a pretty good journalism program. I started out tiny, though, and started with Oklahoma City Community College. I had a few professors who were actual journalists on local news outlets. My first impression of "real" journalism was less than flattering. For whatever reason, the work became ten times as hard and I was given some not-so-positive advice on how to "make it" in the field. While my love for writing still existed, my deep love for journalism quickly faded. With stuff like "you have to work twice as hard if you're doing an honest job" or "if it bleeds it leads," it just wasn't my thing. I finished that semester at OCCC and decided I would make the job to OU.

It didn't seem so devastating back then, but when I look back on it now, I really felt like a ship without a rudder. I didn't know what I was going to do or who I was. I was very fortunate that I found the Liberal Studies program at OU, which was pretty much a "general education" degree. It was something I could build off of when I decided what I wanted to be "when I grow up."

My time as an undergraduate at OU was definitely rocky. The alcoholism, of course, played a huge part in that. But I've been thinking here lately, that not having any clear goals or big dreams to work towards probably played some part in the lack of drive to keep going. It is REALLY difficult to put that one foot in front of the other, when you have no idea what you're walking towards or what the end game is supposed to be. There was some sort of blind faith at work there, because I had to keep telling myself to keep at it, that SOMETHING would happen. I'd see that light bulb or have that burning bush moment at some point. I was REALLY starting to doubt it at the end, but luckily it happened just in time.

So, while my exact dreams of being THAT type of writer might not be exactly what's happened, I still have plenty of opportunities to write in my future. Maybe I'll write some sort of groundbreaking book on social work or something like that. Until then, this little bloggy blog... my own little corner of the world will have to do.