2019: Year In Review...

I'd say 2019 was a year of EPIC growth and change on my behalf, and I'm not just talking about my weight!! (bahh dum tss!) In January 2019, I plugged myself back into school and managed to FINALLY achieve that college degree. I wasted no time and applied for graduate school, with the intention of graduating with my MSW by December 2021. I continued to move forward with my career: I started off the year with my position at SOS, made a temporary jump to the Oklahoma County Crisis Center, BACK to SOS and then wrapped up the year as a brand new case manager with Men's Firstep. I worked towards the goal of moving back out "on my own" sometime in 2020... that goal is becoming more and more clear. My relationships and friendships continue to flourish. Most importantly, I reached my TWO year sobriety point in November, and will (if all goes as planned) be ringing in the new year completely sober for the third year in a row! So, let's take a lookie at my top ten list that I created back in January and see how I did?!

10. MOVIES! I wanted to see more movies in the actual theater, and I'd say this was a massive success! Megan and I just the AMC Stubs A-list at the beginning of the year. By the end of the year, Megan and I have seen 42... yes, that's right, FORTY TWO movies. I'm gonna do a post on those movies later, but I saw some pretty dang good ones and some absolutely horrendous movies. All in all, thought, it was worth it and a total good time!

9. Road trip. Eh. Not quite. We made it to Lawton, which is hardly a vacation destination. We drove through the Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge, which was very... refuge-y? Didn't really see a whole lot. We made a quick drive through the quaint little town of Medicine Park. We would've explored it a little more, except it was the same weekend as a MASSIVE Jeep rally that literally took up the whole town. We did get to stop and see Megan's Granddad. We also watched the entire third season of Stranger Things lol.

8. Becoming a better blogger. Eh. Not so much. But it's totally justified! Once I got back into school, it seems like I'm constantly writing at LEAST one paper. Stopping and writing a blog post seems kinda like wasting time, although I know that it helps get the rest of the junk out of my head and clear the way for somewhat thoughtful papers.

7. Schedule clarity. Yeah, no. I think this one actually might've gone backwards. BUT I think it is also totally justified. I did add a thing or two to my schedule, that wasn't there at the beginning of 2019. I think I just need to find that sense of acceptance that my schedule is going to be borderline chaos and just try to do the best I can... but grant myself from grace when stuff goes haywire from time to time!

6. Focusing on the world "out there." This one was kind of vague, but an ideal goal to have. I do have to set quite a large amount of time aside for me... trying to juggle work, school and my sobriety. But I do need to set aside time for others, be there for other people, be aware of the world around me. Pay attention to what is going on. Note the little things to be grateful for. 

5. Improving my health. Yup. That one didn't happen. There's always 2020. 

4. Improving my sense of patience. I'd say I'm getting better. It makes sense that everything is going to happen, but none of it seems to be happening anytime soon. Everything has some sort of timeline to it. I need to do my taxes, but I can't do them right now. I'd like to find a place of my own, but I can't really right now. I want to go on vacation, but I can't...well, you get the point. Also, I'd say I'm getting better at being patient with the sense that we don't always get the answer we want. If I could count, in the last 2 years, the number of times that I got an answer that I didn't originally want, only to find out the answer I DID get was exponentially better than anything I expected... it'd be a pretty dang big number. A big part in that, though, is your response and how you react to getting that original "no" or answer that you don't want.

3. Continued job growth. Mission accomplished! I jumped around a bit in 2019, but ultimately landed in a position or within an agency that I am fairly confident could grow into an actual career and not just a job. I'm excited to see what happens in 2020!

2. Continuing my education. Definitely mission accomplished! My first degree hangs on the wall in my office... and I'll have degree number two in a matter of two short years!

1. Staying sober. TOTAL mission accomplished. I didn't have to take one single drink in 2019. I won't lie and say that the temptations and urges weren't there occasionally, but this program has given me the tools to handle those and know how to stay sober. I'm pretty positive I'm going to stay sober today. I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too! 

'Twas the season...

Welp, the blur that was the 2019 holiday season is in the rearview mirror. It may have taken literal months to prepare for it all, but it was over in what seemed like a matter of hours. I mean, it was a great season, but we get all worked up for... that? I'd like to think "huzzah! 2020 is going to be DIFFERENT!" But, that's probably not going to happen. This is just how we do it. I'm going to stress way too much and SPEND way too much, just because I want to make sure that my people are happy. I'm pretty certain they are going to do the same for me, and I definitely have plenty to be happy about...

Retirement!

I've always known how hard of a worker my mom has been. She's worked her tail off to make sure that her family has had what it needed. There have been countless times that she has put her three boys ahead of her. So, all the puzzle pieces have finally fallen into place where she can FINALLY retire. Her countdown that she has been following for well over a year has finally hit ZERO days. On December 13, we were invited up to Children's to watch Janet and the rest of the PICU crew show their appreciation for Mom's hard work. It was awesome watching all of these doctors, big wigs, and other suits recognize Mom for basically building the PICU from nothing into the big moneymaking powerhouse that it is today. I'm so friggin proud of her! We packed all of her stuff up and brought it home. She left her office for the last time on December 20 and now (hopefully!) gets to enjoy a life of a little more leisure! She definitely deserves that R&R.

Some of us STILL have to work...
Since I will probably never get to retire (maybe? maybe not? lol), I still wake up and go to work on a near-daily basis. I'm fortunate that I have a job where I actually enjoy what I do. Well, for the most part. :-) I think I've made that transition of "new guy" to just one of the guys. There are rough points, but what job doesn't have those? For the most part, those points are when I feel like I'm failing to reach the guys. But I've had plenty of good moments that remind me that you're not going to reach EVERYONE... but that I am making a difference. I look forward to continuing my education and then hopefully applying what I learn and my degree towards growing my career within this agency. That's the goal, anyway!

Winter BREAK!

December 6 was the final day of my FIRST semester of graduate school. I'm super proud of myself that I wrapped up the semester with STRAIGHT friggin A's! That's how we do this! I'm already enrolled in my classes for next semester, and it sounds like it'll be a doozy of a semester! Nine more hours of classes that involve stuff like POLICY and RESEARCH. God grant me the strength to get through the Spring and put three MORE A's on my transcript!

The Post Christmas Holi-daze

I think I started plotting out my Christmas plans, at least when it comes to presents, mid-October. I purchased my first gift around the beginning of November. We've been planning a day or so worth of "stuff" for over two months... and it's just over in the snap of a finger. BUT I'd say it was worth it. The presents that I gave out brought smiles to people's faces. People got me some pretty awesome presents this year, too. The thought, not necessarily the stuff, definitely reminds me: "hey! You're loved!" I was off from work Christmas Eve (a Tuesday) and Christmas Day (a Wednesday)... only to have to go back to work Thursday and Friday. THEN, this week, I'm off tomorrow (a Wednesday) for New Year's Day. I'm not quite sure what days are holidays, what days are weekends and what days are supposed to be work?! It all just kinda blurs together. I actually look forward to next Monday (the 6th) when life goes back to somewhat normal. THEN school starts back the following Monday (the 13th) and it's back to not having a life. I keep telling myself it'll be worth it. :-)

An Attitude of Gratitude...

TWO years. 24 Months. 104 Weeks. 730 Days. Over 17,000 Hours! Happy "Birthday" to meeeeeee!!!!!!

At any given time, in the Oklahoma City metro area, you can walk into one of the local Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouses and find a meeting being held on the topic of "gratitude." I think the number of gratitude meetings increases tenfold during the month of November, probably to coincide with Thanksgiving and the beginning of the holiday season. Some in recovery absolutely love gratitude meetings, while others absolutely despise them. While I don't see the point in loathing the meetings, I guess I could understand their being a point in time where I would be like "meh. Don't tell me what to do. If I'm cranky, let me be cranky! I have nothing to be grateful for!" Fortunately, I'm not in one of those moods right now, nor have I been in quite some time! Life has been just one big steaming pile of change here lately, but it's all good. It's not easy, but it's good. Plus, by the time November comes around, I have PLENTY to be grateful for...

Work, work work!
Shortly after Labor Day, it started to become pretty impossible to ignore the fact that I needed to start looking elsewhere for work. I needed a bump in pay, since I'll be moving out in March. I also needed to find a job that had a little more flexibility with the hours, since I'll start working on practicum hours this summer. For those reasons, and a few others, I started the job hunt once again. It didn't take too long before some potentials popped up. Within a few weeks, I had a job offer from DHS... AND a job offer from Men's Firstep as their new program coordinator. Although the position with DHS definitely paid more, my heart told me to take the position with Firstep. I turned in my resignation and started working full time for OKC Metro Alliance (Firstep) on October 21, 2019.

We're three weeks in and I absolutely love it. I get to work directly with the guys and help them maneuver through the program and they help me on a daily basis by reminding me what it was like to be a client/resident of Firstep. You're either one of those clients that is HUNGRY for sobriety, willing to do anything you can to get it or you're not. The only difference between where I was and where I am now is that I need to work with those "not" clients and meet them where they are. I can't make them WANT sobriety, but I can show them that it is achievable and it has some pretty kick-ass results.

School Daze
So there obviously has been something keeping me pretty occupied for the last two months (since I haven't written anything in that time) and you would be a PRETTY good guesser if you said that the prime culprit of what gobbles up my time is SCHOOL. I was enrolled in nine hours (three classes) this first semester. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but... damn. Between work, school and "other (everything else in life), it takes some pretty creative juggling to make it all jive. Overall, I'd say I'm moderately successful. I have work down and I can definitely fit school in there, but it is satisfying that "other" category that is proving to be a bitch. I just don't have enough time in the day! There's "me" time, relationship time, sobriety time, family time... all of that. Ugh. I'm workin' on it.

ANYWAYS... school is going great. I absolutely love my classes and I feel like I'm learning a LOT. They aren't wasting your time with any filler classes, they are just going straight for the juicy stuff. They are teaching us EXACTLY what we need to do to get our license and get out there and WORK! The subject matter, while challenging, is exactly what I love. The work is difficult and time-consuming, but it makes me think "man, I KNOW that I'm going into the right field" on a daily basis. This first semester is nearing the end, and it looks QUITE possible that I'll make straight A's. I just have to keep up the work until December 6!

If all of those puzzle pieces fall perfectly into place over the next two years, I'm really hoping that the "school" part of life and the "work" part of life just kind of meld together. I really hope that I can take my degree and I apply it to working with Metro Alliance and I can just kind of continue to "grow up" within this organization and stay here after graduation. That's the ideal situation anyway...

It's the Holiday Season (hoop-de-do and dickery dock...)
...and don't forget to hang up your sock! Sorry, I didn't mean to spontaneously start typing Christmas lyrics, but I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!!! Despite the mindless rigmarole of daily life, I absolutely love the holiday season. Especially now that I'm in somewhat of a position to be able to afford SOME sort of presents for my family. Even with the frustration/confusion of the who's, what's, when's and where's, it usually has a tendency to work itself out. Thanksgiving will be new this year, I'll be going up to Tulsa with Megan and having turkey day with her fam. I'll be off on Black Friday, but I doubt I do a whole bunch of anything special. Christmas Eve will consist of the "normal" holiday get-together with my fam. I think we're having it at Denise's... which was fun last year. Meg and I might have a little surprise up our sleeves. Christmas Day is also the usual, presents and breakfast in the morning and then I'll go see a movie with Ma and Nicky. What will we see? Who knows. I'm going to try and push for "1917." I haven't even gotten far enough to think about what in the world new year's includes... But I know everything will work out! I know I'm not super wealthy and life isn't PERFECT, but this is definitely where that "gratitude" month starts playing into everything. We (or I) have it pretty damn awesome, especially compared to the rest of the world. It's DEFINITELY amazing compared to how I was or where I was this time two years ago. This brings me to the next topic...

It's my Birthday (and I'll cry if I want to?)
By this time on November 13, 2017, the proverbial shit had already hit the fan and I was (probably?) laying on a cot at the Public Inebriate Alternative (aka the Drunk Tank) in Oklahoma City. My emotions spanned the entire spectrum from indifference to anger to giving up and finally to complete surrender. I'm fortunate that I had a family that was still willing to come and pick me up, even after the endless amounts of shit that I had pulled. We had a brief and stern, yet compassionate conversation when we got home. Then we went to bed, not knowing what the future would bring.

I was fortunate to have a girlfriend that didn't run for the hills when she found out that I had been keeping a not-so-little secret from her for about six months. These people stood by my side and helped me take the next steps from TRC and then on to long-term treatment at Firstep. Six months of ups and downs and struggles and victories. "Graduating" from Firstep and going back out into the "real world." Rebuilding my life. Working. Going back to school. GRADUATING school. Going BACK to school. Making the return to Firstep as staff instead of a client. All of it was possible because of brutal honesty with a police officer who decided to show me a little bit of mercy and turn right down one street instead of turning left onto another. Then I decided to keep my promise to Officer Loggins and I didn't pick up a drink on the 14th. I kept fighting and started to string days together.

Honestly, day 730 doesn't really feel a whole lot different than day 700. I'm excited and I'm proud, but this is life now. This is the new "normal." Parts of that old life still pop up every once in a while, but I have the tools to know how to handle them appropriately. Those tools help me get through day 730. I might even get a day 731...

The Adventures of John and the Springform Swimming Pool...

I was meandering though the state fair the other day and I walked into one of the big exhibition halls. It was just wall-to-wall full of random booths of people trying to sell odd knick knacks, tools, gadgets and stuff that you aren't going to find in any aisle of your local Target or Wal-mart. As I ventured closer to the back of the building, I saw this interesting looking swimming pool. It was like a gigantic springform pan that you use to make cheesecakes, only this one was being used as an above-ground pool. For some reason, I decided "ya know what, I'm going to go for a swim!" It was even more odd that the old guy that was selling these springform swimming pools thought nothing of it. He continued on with his business, talking with the other passers-by. I stripped down and hopped into the pool. The water felt absolutely incredible and I wasn't even the least bit fazed by the other fairgoers that kinda stared at me as they walked by, their mouths hanging open as they are about to drop their half-eaten corndogs on the floor of the exhibition hall. Every once and a while, a friend would walk by and say hello. I saw my friend Garrick, who asked "what in the world are you doing?!" I replied with "I'm swimming, duh." He shrugged dismissively and thought "well, whatever." He stood around and talked with me for a while as I noticed the shiny latch on the outside of the pool. Surely it wasn't like an actual springform pan, where if I pull that latch, this whole thing would open up. It HAS to be just decorative. As curiosity continued to get the better of me, I swam over and began poking at it and trying to figure out if it was real. It must've been real enough to get the old guy's attention, he began to warn me sternly against touching that. Even Garrick was telling me that wasn't such a good idea. I shrugged dismissively and thought "whatever" and continued doing what I was doing. As it appeared I was going to pull the actual latch, the random passers-by began to yell at me, waving their half-eaten corn dogs in the air and telling me to STOP!! I didn't listen. I pulled the latch and found it was just like a springform pan and water went E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. The other booths did NOT appreciate me getting their random knick knacks, tools and gadgets drenched with pool water. I shrugged dismissively as I put my clothes back on and walked away from the pool. "I wonder which building the new cars are in, I can never remember" I thought to myself as I left my self-induced chaos behind me for others to clean up.

Of COURSE this was a dream. It happened to me last night. It was totally random, other than the fact that I had been wondering when the state fair was going to get started back up again. But it caused me to stop and think about the dream and (of course) I was able to pull out some sort of weird meaning or reflection out of it, because... that's what I do. :-) It makes me think of my past, where I would make mistake after mistake, even with people yelling at me from the sidelines telling me "stop!" or "don't do that" and I'd do it anyway. So, most of the time, when I would make these mistakes, screw up or whatever, it was rarely ever me that faced the consequences. Now don't get me wrong, I faced PLENTY of consequences and paid a hearty price for my indiscretions, but I guess it was never enough to convince me to stop. But I pulled others into the mess with me. Anytime I made these stupid, selfish decisions to have fun and just swim a little, it was OTHER people's stuff that would wind up getting wet.

Mr. Needy McNeederson...

I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone the other morning, when this "memory" popped up. It  caused me to think about how life was back in those days. If I had a dollar for every time I came home from a stressful day at work, a long holiday full of family drama or some other event caused me to groan and utter the words "ugh, I NEED a drink," I would be a much wealthier man that wouldn't be worrying about financial aid or debt consolidation.

I think I was only a "normal" drinker for a VERY brief period of time. One of those drinkers that could take it or leave it. You could find a bottle in my fridge, and then come back several days later and possibly find that same bottle was still there. My schedule did not revolve around drinking, where I was going to acquire my next drink or recovering from the last time I drank. Even in those early days, I'd use the phrase of "needing" a drink fairly often. It seemed harmless to me, but I think there is power in those words of "want" or "need."

want: verb
1. to feel a desire for; wish for.
2. to wish, crave, demand, desire.

vs.

need: verb.
1. a requirement, necessary duty or obligation.
2. a lack of something deemed necessary.
3. urgent want, as of something required.

I think that super-thin line of alcoholism is in there somewhere. Like, after a shitty day at work, it makes sense to want that drink or you want something that is going to give you that sense of ease or relaxation. But, if it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Sigh. No drink. I'll be okay. I'll probably just go to bed early or whatever.

If you need that drink after that shitty day, that means that you simply cannot carry on until that drink happens. That drink takes precedence over a lot of other stuff in your life that should be happening right about now. If it doesn't happen, you'll still be okay right? Yeah, no. Probably not. I'm going to devise some sort of ridiculous plan in which I will get that alcohol before the day is over... and THEN I can relax after shit super shitty day at work.

But, it doesn't just happen because of supper shitty days at work. It happens when you break up with someone, when you start dating someone, when it's raining, when the sky is blue... any day that ends in Y. You get to that point where you need it to go to sleep at night, you need it to really wake up and get going in the morning and you need it throughout the day. Most people are okay without it. You get some people that look forward to that post-work cocktail. Then, you have OTHER people who are so wrapped up into it, that they think it absolutely has to happen while they are at work. Not like I would know anybody like that, but I've heard rumors. :-)

To need that drink is such a sad place to be. It's so tiring. It's all-consuming. It's hurtful, not just to me, but those around me that I'm supposed to care about. I'm glad I don't have to live like that anymore.

Powerless Over Being Powerless...

As I entered into week TWO of school, I'm attempting to find that "new normal," figure out what exactly my schedule is supposed to be and achieve that perfect work/school/life balance. Well, I know one thing... this week was far from normal.

Monday was good, I'd say it was the closest to normal I had all week. I had a busier than usual morning, all but one of my enrollments showed up and I struggled to stay caught up with my "to do" list. I was fairly successful and I'm fairly confident that I ended the day on a pretty positive note. For the life of me, I can't even remember what I did after work other than come home and work on school stuff. That evening, I was in my own little world working on school and doing whatever the hell else I was doing and Mom and Nick were out in the living room in their own little British TV show world as well. We were all oblivious to the monster storm that was about to roll through the metro. When it arrived, it rocked and rolled but wasn't anything to be super concerned about. Heavy rains, straight-line winds, a few pop-up tornadoes here and there. However, Damon Lane and the Channel 5 news team were quite worried. They needed to consult a thesaurus to figure out new verbiage for the word "bad," because they used it... a lot.

It sure slammed the north side, up by Penn Square Mall and by my work. As it rolled south, it went just to the east of us. We were hit, but not bad. The storm was in and out within the course of a couple of hours. I was texting back and forth with a few coworkers and knew that the Northside was pretty bad, and that SOS was without power. Little did we know that this storm was going to put SOS out of commission for the REST OF THE FRIGGIN WEEK. I went back to work Tuesday morning, and each morning after that, thinking that "surely OG&E has gotten their act together and has put us back online." Nope. Nothing. I'd get on Facebook and see that all sorts of business and homes that were in the vicinity of SOS were getting their power back, only to seem like they had completely skipped by us and left us in the literal dark.

There is the part of me that was like "whee! I'm off from work!" I basically got to come back home, get into my comfy clothes, and alternate between naps and homework. Sounds pretty good to me! But then, there was the adult part of me that was like "uhhh... I would prefer to not use my PTO on something lame-ass like this." Not only was I using ALL of my PTO, I technically didn't have enough  and I wouldn't be getting paid for like 10 hours of it. Then, looking down the road, knowing the fact that I had THREE months to go and no PTO to cover myself with if something else were to occur. So the mind begins to race and wander. I begin to think things like, "well, it's okay now while I live at home... but if this were to happen NEXT year, I'd be f**ked." That then evolves into anger towards other people, places and things. I start making plans for big hefty changes and all of these things that I was going to say/do/change.

So I get stuck in this whirlwind of planning for these things that might NEVER happen (and they probably won't)... or they will... what does it matter? This falls smack dab under the category of "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." It never fails that, fairly frequently, I need to reel myself back in and tell myself STOP. LIVE FOR TODAY. FOCUS ON RIGHT NOW. You have homework, and plans tomorrow, movies to see, Megans to hang out with, Poke-waffles to make, etc.

I find it kind of ironic that, as I typed out this blog, I received a text message at 8:38PM from the director of the agency saying that power had been restored to SOS.

A MASTERful Week...

Week one is complete, my first grades are hitting the books and I'm starting to think to myself, "hey!  Maybe I can do this!" I had my fair share of doubts and insecurities, but it didn't take long for me to put those to rest. As I watched the introductory video to the program and to my class "Introduction to Professional Social Work," I immediately felt that sense of belonging... that this was the perfect program for me. Professor Franklin mentioned a "love for helping people, being passionate about issues that effect social economic justice, oppressing others or causing others to suffer." Being the suit-and-tie kinda guy that makes a lot of money and plays golf didn't really suit me (no pun intended), I feel much more comfortable down in the trenches with those who are having a rougher go at life.

My first class, like I previously mentioned is Introduction to Professional Social Work and is taught by Dr. Lori Franklin, who just also happens to be the director of the program. The course will span the entire 16-weeks of this first semester and is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It covers the history of social work, the different types of licensure, dealing with ethics issues, etc. Although the course itself doesn't seem to have a whole lot of "heart," Dr. Franklin seems to be the type that approaches social work from the emotional/heart/"this is why we do it" perspective. I like that, because that is the main reason that draws me to this field.

The second class is Human Diversity and Societal Oppression and is taught by Dr. Anthony Natale. It's an eight week course, but with 16 weeks worth of stuff crammed into it. Even with the pretty serious and potentially negative/downer subject matter, I'm super excited about this course. Dr. Natale seems to be pretty intimidating (at least to me), he seems to be the type that is VERY collegiate and uses a very educated vocabulary... that challenges even a word-nerd like myself. I'm up to the challenge, though. I've already made a 100% on my first paper for his class. He even said that I "rose to the challenge of the assignment." Yeah! Bring it!

I know it's only the beginning and there are PLENTY of weeks left, but I'm already excited and ready for what's next!

A Slight Change of Plans...

When I was a wee lad, I knew that I wanted to be a writer "when I grow up." Some kids wanted all the coolest toys for Christmas (heck, I did too), but I was tickled pink just getting a big box of (dot matrix printer) paper. The pages were perfectly lined, so my chubby little hands could write out all my thoughts and dreams out on paper. My imagination frequently ran wild and I thought it would be so cool to get to share my stories with the world. Not only would I get to share those stories, I'd get paid for it. I'd be like Oklahoma's own Dr. Seuss, minus all the weird rhyme-y shit. People would be buying up boxes of John Cloud's novels left and right, and I'd be making bazillions of dollars. I'd probably even have enough money for my very own Kraft Mac & Cheese fountain.

As I began to mature (at least a little) and I realized that the best way for my world to get used to my writing would be through journalism. In the ninth grade, I decided to join the school newspaper staff. As an up-and-coming writer for "The Paw Print," I was responsible for covering such hot topics as "cool locker decorating trends" and "the dangers of walking down Penn to the McDonald's after school." Ya know, the important stuff. I was absolutely hooked from the start. It was a great outlet for my writing, the teacher was super supportive and helped me grow in my writing and it was a great outlet for me to get out there and meet people. My newfound career continued into High School, when I joined the "Jag Wire" staff at Westmoore High School. I won over the notoriously strict teacher and convinced her to love me. Of course, by the time I was a senior, I became the editor-in-chief. I'm still not quite sure how that happened...

When I started thinking about colleges, I set my sights on the big time... I wanted to go to Columbia University, which was VERY well known for it's college of journalism. I'd settle on Oklahoma, which also had a pretty good journalism program. I started out tiny, though, and started with Oklahoma City Community College. I had a few professors who were actual journalists on local news outlets. My first impression of "real" journalism was less than flattering. For whatever reason, the work became ten times as hard and I was given some not-so-positive advice on how to "make it" in the field. While my love for writing still existed, my deep love for journalism quickly faded. With stuff like "you have to work twice as hard if you're doing an honest job" or "if it bleeds it leads," it just wasn't my thing. I finished that semester at OCCC and decided I would make the job to OU.

It didn't seem so devastating back then, but when I look back on it now, I really felt like a ship without a rudder. I didn't know what I was going to do or who I was. I was very fortunate that I found the Liberal Studies program at OU, which was pretty much a "general education" degree. It was something I could build off of when I decided what I wanted to be "when I grow up."

My time as an undergraduate at OU was definitely rocky. The alcoholism, of course, played a huge part in that. But I've been thinking here lately, that not having any clear goals or big dreams to work towards probably played some part in the lack of drive to keep going. It is REALLY difficult to put that one foot in front of the other, when you have no idea what you're walking towards or what the end game is supposed to be. There was some sort of blind faith at work there, because I had to keep telling myself to keep at it, that SOMETHING would happen. I'd see that light bulb or have that burning bush moment at some point. I was REALLY starting to doubt it at the end, but luckily it happened just in time.

So, while my exact dreams of being THAT type of writer might not be exactly what's happened, I still have plenty of opportunities to write in my future. Maybe I'll write some sort of groundbreaking book on social work or something like that. Until then, this little bloggy blog... my own little corner of the world will have to do.

The Hotline...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve lays it out there, pretty plain and simple. Once we "have it," we are supposed to turn around and give it away to the next struggling alcoholic or addict. I've said it many times, but I'll say it again... this time around, it has been step twelve that has made all of the difference in the world when it comes to my sobriety. I surrendered and asked for the help, and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous were there for me. They loved me until I could love myself. They showed me the way to solid ground. Once on solid footing, I stay sober today by (trying) to show the next alcoholic that same path and showing them that same empathy and love.

I've worked the twelfth step by chairing meetings, continuing to stay involved at FIRSTEP, by my work at Specialized Outpatient Services and by choosing to share my story on Facebook. Until this weekend, I had never taken a single 12th step call from the Intergroup hotline. Becky (my supervisor/friend/fellow AA'er) was answering the hotline on Saturday night and thought of me. She passed this man's information along to me. It totally made a great day even better. I think I had a positive impact on the man, at least I hope I planted that seed.

Before I go into that story, I've since learned that the hotline comes in two parts. There is the actual part where you are the person answering the hotline. You man the phone one night a month from 6 PM to 7 AM. You answer basic questions and can give the standard AA info. If you come across someone who needs to talk or needs a ride, you have the 12th step list. That is the second part. People who sign up for the 12th step list say that they are available at any time to talk to someone who needs someone to talk to about how to stop drinking. Since Saturday, I've signed up for both. I'm now answering the hotline every 5th Wednesday of the month (which happens like 3 times a year, but oh well) and I'm on the 12th step list to call people when needed.

Back to the main part of the story. I won't really go into the nitty gritty details of the story, but this was a man a lot like me. A part of him wanted the program, but he had never been able to string that much time sober together. He was quite sensitive like I was, where if someone even LOOKED at me the wrong way, that gave me a reason to go out and drink. He managed to get a little bit of time, but found himself in a situation where someone said something that made him want to jump off the beam. We had a really good conversation. It ended with him telling me, "thank you. Because of you, I'll stay sober tonight." That felt really good.

He went on to tell me that he wasn't sure about staying sober the next day, but I told him neither was I. Something could happen tomorrow that could make me want to drink, and I'm sure there are some liquor store owners that would LOVE to see me back. We both chuckled. But it was totally true! He may have been "closer," considering he already had the bottle... but I have that same sickness. I could've gone some wonky news or someone said something to me that could shoot me off the deep end and into the nearest bar. Luckily, it didn't happen.

We talked again some more the next day. Sadly, I think he probably did go out and drink. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet. Maybe he hadn't found that bottom. I pray he finds it soon and it isn't too hard of a bottom. I hope he remembers my name and my number and that I was a compassionate person that didn't judge. I know that I did what I could, my job is to carry the message... not to carry the alcoholic. So I'm ready and willing to take the next call and the one after that.

Conscious Contact...

It was suggested to me early on that a good way to start the day was to pray to your Higher Power (whatever that might be) and pray for help to stay sober throughout the day. So, it would also make sense that I should pray to my H.P. at the END of the day and thank Him/Her/It/Whatever and show gratitude for staying sober that day. I learned from the eleventh step that I have a much better shot at staying sober if I maintain a conscious contact with my H.P. throughout the day. We "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Of course, MY H.P. is the progressive, understanding and loving God that I was introduced to in the Episcopal Church and I believe has been with me through the good times and the bad. While I'm not necessarily a stereotypical "hit your knees" and pray type of guy, I do find it important to open that channel with God first thing in the morning. I can most definitely tell the difference in my mood and my behavior when I don't or have maybe skimped on the time or effort that I put into my morning prayer. You can call it prayer or meditation or whatever you want, but my time with God tends to be more conversational. Usually I turn on the shower and start with the thoughts of my day ahead. I think about things I have going on and what I need to do. I think of things I need to change in my behavior or attitude from the day(s) before. I think about how I can be the most useful to the people around me. Don't get me wrong, that sounds incredibly impressive all typed out, but it isn't always that way. Some days I figure the most useful I will be is to stay out of people's way or keep to myself because my piss-poor attitude needs to change before I can help others.

I try to keep the conversation going throughout the day. More often than not, life happens and the not-so helpful thoughts pop in. Most of the time, they are just selfish thoughts that are more consumed with money or whatever it is that I can do to further my own cause. I recently heard in a meeting that our minds were MADE to think and that I should just allow it to happen, but not grab on to the thoughts. Let it drift in and then let it drift right out. That makes a lot of sense, because I can be in the middle of some quiet time and I'll all of a sudden remember something else more pressing and urgent and then I get distracted until I complete that more urgent task or follow the other thought through to the end. Acknowledge the thought and that it is there, set it off to the side and continue on with the quiet time. That other stuff can wait.

When I finally crawl into bed, instead of thinking about all of the stuff that needs to be done, I try to stop and think about all the things that have been accomplished. Not just for that individual day, but for the last 20 months. I definitely don't toot my own horn, because I don't see it as being JUST me, but SO many things have changed and improved. I take the time to pray and meditate on that and give gratitude to God for getting me there and continuing to help me stay in a place where I can continue to get stuff done for myself AND to be useful to others. "Let the gratitude overflow into blessing all around you. THEN it will really be a good day."

TRUE Surrender...

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog on what I thought the difference between "compliance" and "surrender" would be. When it comes to my sobriety, I believe that it is important to know how to wholly surrender rather than just be compliant in some sort of program. I feel that if I'm compliant, I'm some sort of zombie or automaton (ooh! good word!) just doing the bare minimum without putting much thought or feeling into what I'm doing or why. If I'm surrendering, I'm putting my heart into it. I'm giving up and following the advice of someone else because I simply can't do what I've been doing anymore.

It's been about a month or so since a close friend of mine relapsed. After he went back out, it seemed like he came right back and wanted to get the help. That didn't last too long before I think he went right back out again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this point, I'm not sure he knows either. I think I did what I could, but now I just feel like I have to step back and let him hit bottom or do SOMETHING on his own. It sucks. I don't want to. I want to help, but I really can't.

This past weekend, I was having a conversation with a current Firstepper who knows many of the guys that I went to Firstep with. As we talked and I asked how these guys were doing, it seemed like more guys were relapsing than were actually making it. Some of these guys were truly surprising because they were guys that I looked up to and thought of them as people who had programs that I wanted to emulate. I know it's not a competition, but I would frequently think of some of these guys as doing this thing "better" than I was. It's definitely disappointing to find out that something stopped working along the way and that these guys thought drinking/using was a better alternative again.

I thought of one guy in particular. This guy didn't live at Firstep while I was a resident out there, but he was out there when I was teaching the Step Action class. Since I (admittedly) wasn't exactly the BEST teacher in the world, I would rely on him frequently to share his thoughts and explanations on certain steps or readings. It definitely didn't take me long to realize that what he shared wasn't some filler that was meant to take up time, he actually knew his stuff and he shared from the point of view of someone who had been through some shit and was doing what was necessary to stay sober. This guy may have had less sober time than I had, but he could definitely teach me a thing or two.

But something happened... I started looking on his Facebook page and saw posts about "staying true to yourself" or various other self-reliance quotes. I was thinking to myself that, yes, it is important to stay true to who you are... but you have to be careful with that. It's important to not forget who you are and to remember what you bring to the table. Those thoughts of self-reliance, however, can be a double-edged sword. What you're essentially saying is that only you have the answer and only you can fix your problems. Eh. If it was up to me, I'd still be pretty damn broken.

I need to remember that I can't do this alone (as much as the introvert in me would like to) and that I most definitely do not have all the answers. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to be able to forgive myself and ask for the help to know how to live a better life. I have to know how to truly surrender, give up all of my old crap that I'm holding on to and try something new. Surrender doesn't mean losing (at least not in this example), it means that maybe someone else has a better idea of what to do and how to live.

The Parking Lot...

A few nights ago, I was parked in one of the stalls at the Sonic on 19th street and enjoying what would probably be my last Oreo chocolate shake for a while (damn diet). I just happened to glance across Telephone Road over to the Walmart parking lot. It was pretty full, probably the usual for a Friday night. For some reason, instead of having the standard thought of "man I hate Walmart," the parking lot stirred up a totally random memory of a conversation that I had with a friend many years ago.

Let's rewind around 12 or 13 years ago. High school wasn't too distant of a memory. I was in college at the time, but I definitely don't think I had any "adulthood" in me. Life hadn't yet gone downhill, that's for sure. I hadn't moved out of my parents' home yet, but I had a good job and a nice car. A friend of mine, who I'll leave his name out for the sake of privacy, was having a rough go of life. He and his wife had gotten REALLY messed up in drugs and, from what I can remember, she seemed to be ready to clean up her act before he was. This resulted in them going their separate ways. When this happened, she moved to Kansas City and totally disappeared from contact. This was before Facebook or Messenger, so it's like she fell off the face of the earth. The last thing I heard was that she was working for some gas station...so sad, she had such potential. This left my friend here in Oklahoma, with pretty much nowhere to go. He had burned plenty of his bridges, which is definitely not an uncommon thing to do for us alcoholics or addicts. His home had become the back of his beat up old Saturn, which was parked in the parking lot of a Walmart.

I don't really remember the conversation. I was still super young, so I doubt I had anything useful or helpful to bring to the table. I do remember having this annoying feeling of moral or ethical superiority. I felt sad for him and scared that something would happen to him, but I was also unwilling to put myself out to do anything about it. I was leaning against my nice car as he sat on the trunk of his beige Saturn. I remember thinking "here you have this bright, young man. He may not have been a Rhodes scholar or anything, but he had potential." I believed in him. This jerk is throwing it all away because he chooses drugs over his family, friends and future. Long before I knew about the disease of addiction, I judged this young man for making these horrible choices, as if he had any choice to begin with. When we started high school together, he was probably a few rungs higher on the social ladder than I was. A "jock" type who came from a wealthier family. I probably never would've interacted with the guy had it not been for his wife, who was actually a good friend of mine when they started dating. Somehow, he and I clicked. We became friends. When his wife completely and totally vanished from the picture, he and I (gladly) kept in touch... at least for a while.

From what I remember, he continued to struggle for quite some time. My life continued to get better and better. As he declined and I made my way up the social ladder, he disappeared. He would pop onto my radar every once and a while, and I would TRY to maintain some sort of constant contact with him, but it would never last long. The years passed and from what I understood he kept trying to improve, but would face setbacks. We all know that, eventually,  my climb up that ladder abruptly stopped and I took a steep nose dive. Call it karma or whatever, but I soon became the same person that I judged him for being. I was "choosing" alcohol over my family, friends and future. I threw away all potential I had.

This awesome guy reached out to me a few weeks ago and seems to be totally on the right track. Surprisingly, he and I are on the same track. He found those 12 steps and is working towards long term sobriety. From what it sounds like, life is good for him. I look forward to sharing our stories of where our addictions took us. However, I know ONE thing has definitely changed. I don't look down on him. He and I are definitely equals. I try to not look down on anyone. I'm no better or no worse. We're all on our own journeys.

Health Run Riot...

First of all, calm down. My health is just fine... for now. I'm blessed that I really haven't experienced very many negative issues with my health for quite some time, despite my TOTAL lack of self-care and motivation to do ANYTHING healthy for myself. What I really meant by the title was more along the lines of weight run riot...but that didn't carry quite the same punch as health. So, there you have it.

It was exactly five months ago today that I last weighed in for Weight Watchers. What did I weigh in at that point? None of your damn business. It was shortly after that meeting that my life jumped on that rollercoaster and I started to experience all those not-so-fun job changes (and the financial changes that come with it). After my position went part time, WW was one of the first things to go, for the sake of saving a few pennies. Despite no longer being a WW member, Shannon (my sponsor AND WW coach) said that he had faith that I should be fine. I had the tools I needed to continue to make healthy choices. He was right. I DID have those tools. It was up to me, however, on whether or not I decided to use those tools.

I think it is so easy for me to categorize everything into two categories, "alcohol" and "not alcohol." I could eat the unhealthy foods and snack non-stop, and it was okay because it wasn't drinking. But, if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, all I did was replace alcohol with food. I was using it the very same way I used to use alcohol on a regular basis. Part of it was scheduling and poor decision making. While at the Crisis Center, the short amount of time I had to eat and the small choices of WHAT I could eat (and none of them were healthy) made it pretty difficult for me to make good choices. I know I could've packed my lunch, but I made the excuse (and it was pretty legitimate) that I HAD to get out of the building for lunch... escape the stress for a bit. So, the result of this was me usually eating some lunchables and chips from either Oncue or 7-11. Occasionally, I'd hit up a restaurant, but that was usually Little Caesar's or Golden Chick.

The main part, however, was mainly just using food to help me cope with how I felt. I've shared before with the emotional issues that came along with being made part time, followed by the stuff I dealt with while at the Crisis Center. Sure, I was super successful because I didn't drink. Probably a huge portion of that was because I didn't have to think about how stressed or upset I was at *insert issue here* because I was currently happy shoving *insert junk food here* into my face. 

The results of this cluster is that I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was big right after I graduated from FIRSTEP... but add about 8 pounds to that, and bingo! Here I am. So, what to do next? Well, first of all, I'm now aware of how I'm treating (or mistreating) food and how I need to change handling that. I'm rejoining Weight Watchers to help get all of that back under control. Second, I think I'm going to look into joining a gym. I think there has to be a whole lot more going on than just losing weight.

It'll take some time. Just like with other forms of recovery, I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the small goals rather than the big shiny finish line. I can do it!

The Missing Time...

Recently, I was re-watching season 2 of "Stranger Things" on Netflix. I wanted to make sure that I was caught up on all of the action that was going to happen in season 3, so I needed a little refresher. Usually, when I've done this in the past, I find myself saying things like "oooh yeah! I remember this part!" or "Man! I remember hating this episode when I first saw it!" But I didn't really think/feel any of that when I was watching over the last few days. It was as if I was watching them for the first time. I had some basic vague ideas about certain bigger events, plot twists and character deaths. When it came to some of the smaller details, character-driven conversations and hidden Easter eggs, it was like I was watching it all for the first time. "Why?" I asked myself. I dug a little deeper and saw that the second season was released on October 27, 2017. It all made so much sense then. At that time, I was circling the drain. I was in a pretty dark spot. A little over two weeks later, I'd hit my bottom. Nineteen days later, I  admitted myself to TRC for detox from alcohol addiction. A month later (November 27), I would begin my six month journey at Firstep.

I started this temporary thought process of "well, shit, what ELSE did I miss in that time period? What else did I miss out on over the 8+ years of dangerously heavy drinking?" Without wallowing in morbid reflection, the answer is a lot. There were several big "events" during those years that I should've been there for, but I wasn't. I was either drunk, occupied with drinking, recovering from the effects of drinking/withdrawal symptoms, or consumed by the thoughts of when/where I was going to get my next drink. Throw that on top of the other things that alcohol cost me, and it just becomes so astronomically clear how devastating this illness is when it's not taken seriously. Relationships, friendships, job opportunities... all down the tubes because I simply couldn't put the bottle down.

I have to warn myself, and I DEFINITELY share this warning with other people new into the program... do not get stuck in these thoughts for two long. Yeah, it's important to not forgot this type of information, but it can devolve into self-hatred/loathing SUPER quick. I speak from experience. Instead, if you feel yourself sinking back into these old thoughts, use it as a quick reminder and then turn it around to the present. I remind myself to stay super mindful of interactions of those around me, certain job experiences, those little curveballs life throws at me, failures and successes.  That way, in the future, the only thing I might forget would be a certain important conversation between Mike and Will that happened in season two of "Stranger Things."

Working With Others...

It definitely didn't take long for me to figure out, and admit to myself, that I had a problem with alcohol. With a little help from various court systems (and a pricey attorney), I did learn that Alcoholics Anonymous was a great resource and could definitely help me get on top of this problem. However, I had a gross misunderstanding about what I needed to invest and the steps I needed to take to stay on top of the problem. Starting off, I'd go to the meetings and do the bare minimum when it came to interacting with other alcoholics. After a few weeks, I'd get to that point where I thought I had a good handle on the whole sobriety thing and I would cut back on the meetings or even stop going altogether. My favorite was excuse was somehow blaming Alcoholics Anonymous for my failings and telling those who would listen that I think I could do it better on my own. I stopped listening to those who had come before me and I DEFINITELY didn't help those who were trying to get sober after me. There was a very small group of people that I met through the rooms of AA that I could say that I actually liked. However, I don't think that necessarily meant that I cared for them. It sounds cold and calloused to say, but I don't think I ever lost any sleep when I heard one of them would "go back out" or relapse. It just became another blip on my radar... "Oh, so and so relapsed? THAT'S a big surprise." *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*

That's where the program at Firstep was a real Godsend for me. It basically forced me into the middle of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The tasks that we were given to do to progress and "phase up" through the program required that we get involved with the other "brothers." At first, we worked with our "big brothers" (Firstep's version of a sponsor). If the higher-up's saw that you were someone that was doing what they were supposed to, eventually you were given a "little brother" to help along. Working with others was especially crammed down my throat because I worked in the office. I had to help the new people get established in the program, just like people helped me. I had to help the guys who had been there a while meet their everyday needs, whether it was helping them fill out a pass or making sure their time cards were correct.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment where it stopped being a chore, task or something found in my job description. It became something natural, done without asking. It became something I enjoyed to do. The meaning behind the twelfth step finally clicked with me. In my opinion, that is when the BIGGEST puzzle piece in my sobriety fell into place. In order to stay sober, I have to turn around and give it away to the next person. Whether that's helping them with those days where they are white knuckling it, helping them with step work, or helping make sure the new guy has hygiene products... it all helps ME stay sober.

So, at some point during my six months at Firstep, I actually found myself caring about these people. I had been in the program for about three months when I lost two great friends that I had made in recovery. One of them, my Firstep brother Ben, I lost when he went AWOL from Firstep and overdosed on Heroin. It broke my heart. It hurt surprisingly bad. Both men that I had lost were people that I otherwise would not have interacted with, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them was an aging man who seem to be proud of his "crotchety-ness" and the other was this little skinny kid who loved to run. Firstep, and the program as a whole, are FULL of these guys (and gals) that I usually wouldn't choose to spend any time with... but here I am, becoming friends with them. I rejoice with them in their successes, and I empathize with them and try to pick them back up when they fall. Over the last 19 months, I've seen LOTS of success. Guys getting GOOD jobs, starting families and STAYING sober. I've seen plenty of heartbreaks, relapses, job losses and just the general shit that life can throw at us.

I, of course, am super hard on myself... even when it comes to the idea of working with others. I don't do it so well, or I give the wrong advice or maybe I listened when I should've talked... I can think of a jillion different ways to pick apart my effort. I've watched a few others in this program who I find awe-inspiring. The advice they can give or whatever it is that they do just seems to work and click and it seems like they saves lives. I feel like I stumble over my own words and I can only imagine people hanging up the phone and being like "well, THAT was a waste of 15 minutes." Recently, after a friend relapsed, I was even turning to the Big Book and reading out of "Working With Others" to get some help. In the long run, I think the fact that I'm putting in the effort is what matters. Over time, as I get experience with helping people, I'll learn and remember the things that work and don't work. The point is that I just have to keep doing it. I can't give up, because people have never given up on me...

It's Not You, It's Me...

When we last "talked," nearly TWO months ago (sorry about that), you could probably read through the lines and see that the last post I made was more of a "pep talk" of sorts for myself more than anything. While the Crisis Center is a critically important facility that does AMAZING work with people who are in literal life-or-death situations and is staffed by people who have a special place in their heart for people who are suffering, it just wasn't a right fit for me. It takes a VERY special person to work there. The people I worked with are incredible. They definitely don't do it for the money, that's for certain. Many of them work there because they have been in similar situations and feel empathy and compassion towards these people who don't feel like they deserve to be on this earth. I also felt that empathy and compassion towards the patients, but I didn't feel like I could provide that sense of safety and security that is needed for both the patients AND my fellow employees. I feel for the management, I know it's super difficult to keep people there. Not because of something that management IS or ISN'T doing, it's just the nature of that position. People that are built to work in a facility like that are wonderful but RARE.

If I'm being honest, I think I knew from day one that it just wasn't going to work. I just wanted to make sure that I gave it a fair shot. I thought maybe there would be one day that something might snap or click or whatever... I'd wake up and be like "a-ha! I can do this!" It obviously never came. What made it difficult, though, is I got to the point where I REALLY liked the people I worked with. They were more than just people who were training me to do a job, or even just co-workers. They became friends. I got to know a lot of their stories, and they got to know mine. But I knew that they would understand, and they ultimately did understand. When I finally turned in my two weeks notice, they were sad to see me go. But, more importantly, they were excited to see what was in store for me next.

It wasn't long after I started the new position in April, that my old supervisor reached out to me and started the talks of what it would take to get me back. I felt for her, because these people were ALSO people that I cared for. They had become my family over the nine months I had worked there. It hurt to leave, but I had to... but it didn't mean I stopped caring for them or even stop caring for the agency as a whole. I still supported their cause and wanted them to succeed. It took some time to work out the boring details, but we FINALLY came to an agreement and I had several good conversations with her and the director that eased any anxiety I had about coming back. My first day back was June 17th.

So, we wrap up my first week back at the "old job" and things seem to be falling into place. Things are back to how they were back before shit really went south at the beginning of the year. I can say that I enjoy my job and I feel like I'm making a difference (hopefully). I've also started working part time for Firstep, helping out in the office. They experienced some drama that has caused them to be really understaffed, so I thought I could help. Plus, it provides a little extra cashola in the pocket. That never hurts.

I'm just over 19 months sober and don't plan on stopping any time soon. There are definitely some big life events on the horizon, I just have to make sure I stay sober and do the next right thing and those things will start happening! :-)

Holding Their Hope...

As my first month as a "consumer recovery specialist" with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services come to an end, my thoughts on where I am in life and what exactly I'm supposed to be doing have absolutely been all over the place. I accepted the position thinking that my experience over the last 17 months has given me the ability to empathize and show compassion to the people that seek our services in some of the darkest times of their lives.

It didn't take long for me to start to wonder "am I in over my head?" The patients that come to the Oklahoma County Crisis Intervention Center struggle more with severe mental illness than addiction struggles that I'm used to working with. My experience is more with those who struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism and not so much people who struggle with things like schizophrenia. It has been very easy for me to leave after an eight hour shift at work thinking to myself that I'm not having any sort of positive effect on these patients. It's frustrating. 

I had been working on this post for well over a week, and I thought it was almost done. I stepped away from or it for a day or two and just came back to it... it was way too much and it was just a bad case of word vomit. It was a good representation of what was going on in my head, though. After several good conversations that I've had over the last day or so, not to mention being off for a couple of days, I feel a lot more calm and collected.  So I decided to scratch it and start fresh. 

My mind keeps going back to a presentation that I heard while at the "New Employee Orientation" that was held at the central office two weeks ago. The presenters seemed like they would trade off between talking about the more boring department policies and procedures or talking about the deeper reasons of why we are here or how we're helping the community as a whole. It was pretty easy to see that there is an overwhelming need for mental health services and the resources just aren't there. The services that are needed sometimes make the difference between life and death.

One presenter got up and spoke about how sometimes it is difficult to see that we're making any sort of difference or progress. It is important to remember that these people we work with are carrying so much stress, trauma, illness and other baggage that they can't do it alone. Our job is to walk along side them and carry their hope for them. After they seek services and make that progress, we can hand that hope back to them to carry on their own. That simple, but powerful explanation of what we're doing stuck with me for the rest of the orientation and (luckily) has stuck in the back of my head since then. I think it's made a difference on the fact that I'm still hanging on during this difficult transition. 

So, my current position isn't going to necessarily see people "cured" of their illnesses or I'm not going to be seeing something similar to seeing a patient get their one year sobriety chip. My position is down in the trenches, during those first few days. These people don't see any hope or that it can get much better. My job is to show them that smile, listen to their stories and share mine as well. I'll hold on to that hope until hopefully they can hold on to it themselves.

(500) Days of... Recovery...

Ya like my artwork?!? I thought it was pretty damn clever. I thought about cutting a little picture of my face and putting it over Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's head, so maybe it would look like me... but, honestly, that took too much effort. So you get the idea! :-)

Anyways, I'm 500 days sober as of today! It's MORE than a year, but not quite to that 18 month milestone. I tried to look back on what was going on in my world on March 28th, 2017 and this is what I can gather so far...

I think it was about this time last year that I truly hit that groove at Firstep. I posted something on "Candid Thoughts" on March 10th about losing fellow Firstepper Ben and my good friend Jerry from LLL. After that, there isn't another blog post until MAY. I totally dropped the ball on that one... but it was for good reason! I became REALLY busy in life at Firstep. I didn't feel the need to hide behind my journal anymore, nor did I really have any time for it. The darkness and uncertainty that surrounded my life and my alcoholism was getting replaced by light and faith that things were going to turn out okay! There was still plenty of uncertainty, I couldn't help but look ahead at the coming months and what I was going to do with myself. I would be graduating from the Firstep program in exactly two more months and I was pretty certain that I was going to stay on board with OKC Metro Alliance as a residential adviser. Life was simple back then, REALLY simple. We all know (or do we?) what happens next. Over the next several months, I've worked for an awesome non-profit agency, put myself through school. stayed sober and lived a pretty great life.

Oddly enough, today is another milestone. Today is my last day at my current job. I've enjoyed working at Specialized Outpatient Services for just short of nine months. I definitely could've seen myself staying there longer, if only things had worked out differently. BUT God obviously had some other plans in store for me, and being made part-time was a gentle nudge in the right direction to where I need to be going. Starting Monday, I'll be a state employee once again. Going into the second 500 days and starting a new adventure! I look forward to what exciting stuff lies ahead in my (sometimes) exciting life.

Metaphorical Movies...

Considering I own such intellectual masterpieces such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Jerk and at least one Transformers movie, I doubt I'll be able to pass myself off as some sort of sophisticated movie buff anytime soon. There are PLENTY of times that I love laying out and enjoying a movie for face value. It is what it is and nothing more. There is no better way to end a rough day than to escape with some totally unrealistic sci-fi or fantasy, laugh your ass off to some horrible toilet humor or watch as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson tries to save the world from destruction again. It doesn't have to be some sort of sophisticated cinematic treasure full of depth and meaning to make it into my massive movie collection.

That being said... I DO love a good movie that makes you think, one that I walk away thinking "ya know, I'm not actually SURE if I liked that movie or not..." One that you might have to see two or more times before you decide on whether it was any good. For example, Megan and I went and saw Jordan Peele's new movie Us. It almost immediately was being hailed as one of the best original horror films since the Shining. After his success with his first hit Get Out, Peele is being touted as this generation's Stephen King. Those are DEFINITELY big shoes to fill and I'm not quite sure Peele fills them... yet. But, with that being said, I do think I enjoyed the movie. As we were walking through the parking garage and she asked what I thought. I had to pause. I wasn't sure I agreed with what the initial reviews. It was either amazing... or it was absolute garbage. Almost a week later and I am definitely leaning more towards pretty amazing.

What helped tip me over was reading article after article on what the film actually represented. I suppose you could definitely take the movie at face value. How a family handles the sudden attack from a family of doppelgängers, followed shortly by learning that there were actually thousands of these doppelgängers that were coming from a network of tunnels and underground passages and were going to take over the above world. However, the movie gained a lot more depth and awesome-ness when you started to think about "well, what do these doppelgängers represent?"

There have been plenty of other movies that are like this. It made me think of watching the movie Mother! with Megan several months ago. In this movie, the metaphors were basically necessary. Without figuring out what certain things represented, the movie made ABSOLUTELY no sense whatsoever. One of my FAVORITE examples of metaphors used in movies is the all-important ZOMBIE movie. I actually managed to write a paper about it in one of my college classes! A simple zombie flick is totally fun to watch, but it adds a certain layer of depth and interest when you see that the zombies represent (amongst dozens of other things) the mindless consumerism of the 1980's.

Movies  can definitely be used to stir up meaningful and debate-provoking conversations. Or, you can have nights like tonight... where I'm just laying in bed watching Jackass: The Movie. There is absolutely NOTHING metaphorical about watching a man shove a toy car up his ass...

A Movie Review For You! "The Crow"

"The Crow," starring Brandon Lee, was released in theaters nearly 25 years ago!!! Now I TOTALLY feel old. I believe that this movie could totally stand alone based on the acting talent, the amazing storyline and the dark and gritty cinematography. Add in the memories that this movie invokes as well as the rockin' grungy soundtrack, and that EASILY puts The Crow in my top five favorite movies... ever. That's saying a lot! So, when a local movie club known as "VHS and Chill" was doing a special showing at a little independent theater... I KNEW I had to get a ticket. I loved the fact that they didn't show some digitalized HD version. Nope! They showed the original VHS version, complete with super cheesy trailers for movies like "Halloween 6" and "Mother's Boys." They also included the last recorded interview with Brandon Lee, filmed shortly before the accident that took his life. I managed to convince Megan and Michael Massey (BOTH who had never seen the movie before!) to come along with me... I am pretty sure both of them loved it. Well, at least Megan did.

The plot for the Crow is fairly simple, a man and his fiancee are brutally murdered. The weight of the sorrow makes it impossible for Brandon Lee's character, Eric Draven, to move on. He is brought back to life and, using the powers of the crow, seeks out revenge for their deaths. He then goes on to find each person responsible and (brutally) brings them to justice. I'll leave it at that, in case someone decides to read this that HASN'T seen it or isn't sure on how the film ends...

I was probably in the third grade or so when I first saw this movie. One of the perks of my brother Matt dating this girl who worked at the video rental place that was inside the GFF grocery store was that he got free rentals ALL of the time. I remember snooping in their room at various times and finding random cassette tapes that I had never even HEARD of in those big bulky boxes that you would get when you rented them from rental stores like Blockbuster, Hollywood, etc. Sometimes I was lucky (or unlucky... not all of the movies we watched were as awesome as this one) enough to be around when Matt would pop it into our massive VCR. Matt and Adam must've been watching this movie at a point when Mom was on a date or something, because there is NO way that I would've been allowed to watch it. Mom was usually pretty progressive and open and let me watch a lot of stuff, but damn... this would've been a bit much. It gathered the attention of my little third or fourth grade mind because it was the first "dark" film that I had ever seen. The super gritty and mature content matter grabbed my attention, not for the standard reasons (gasp! They said the "F" word!) that it would've gotten an eight year olds attention. It was more of the thoughts along the lines that "there are people out there that live in these dark seedy places and do these incredibly illegal things... and some of these people are little kids just like me. Not EVERYONE lives in a squeaky clean suburban setting." Thoughts like these developed an interest in certain types of films for me, movies like "Requiem For A Dream" that have characters who start off in bad situations and they don't really ever get better. There aren't always necessarily happy endings.

I remember the soundtrack that came along this movie was full of grungy awesome rock from Alice in Chains, The Cure and more. It was definitely one of the first group of CD's I ever bought. If I remember correctly, it actually came as a two-pack and included an "inspired by" CD. This CD, along with the soundtrack from the movie "Hackers" was frequently found in the CD player in my 1997 Honda Accord. I guess I thought I was pretty cool as I was blaring this, windows down and sunroof open going to school or driving to work at Mardel Christian Bookstore (yeah, I know) or Boomerang Grill (mm... chicken tenders). Lots of fun memories.

Needless to say this movie ranks high in my book. Like I said, it is EASILY in my top five. It's not necessarily JUST because it's an awesome movie... but it definitely helps. I totally give it a 10 out of 10.

"A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that was true about everything: family, friends, feelings. But now I know that sometimes, if love proves real and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart."

A New Chapter...

I feel like I say it a lot, and if I don't, it definitely deserves to be said more often... God has an interesting sense of humor. It was exactly eight years ago Monday that I was let go from my position with the State of Oklahoma. It was my first "big boy" job right out of high school and something that I took great pride in. Over the course of seven years, I worked myself up from the bottom of the barrel within the agency to being management and having seniority over most of the other people that worked there. I guess you could say I was "kind of a big deal."

But, just like everything at that time, the love for my job and my professionalism in general took a backseat to my alcoholism. While I wasn't directly fired because of alcoholism, it did cause the poor behavior, lack of caring or drive and bad attitude that led to me getting let go from that position.

So, here we are, eight years later to the DAY... and I have officially accepted a position working for the state again. I'll be a consumer recovery specialist with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services..It'll be my first BIG, big boy job (my first position after graduating from OU) and I'm SUPER excited! It will be a more "hands on" position than I've ever really had in the past. I'll be a part of the daily lives of adults as they are in the critical first few days of their recovery. I'm not quite a recovery support specialist, so I won't do any "one on one" time with clients, but I will get to interact with them on a daily basis, socialize, lead various groups and so on. It'll be a challenge, but I think I'm ready!

Unfortunately, that did mean that I had to turn in my notice of resignation at SOS. I'm very grateful for the experiences that I've gained working with them and I'm SUPER grateful for all of the friendships that I've gained while there. I'm hopeful that those will continue on long after I leave and start my new adventure.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 2: Money Does NOT Buy Happiness...

According to my handy-dandy LYFT app, I've been driving part-time for about two-ish (maybe three?) weeks now. And out of those two (or so) weeks, I was down for a good portion of last week due to school AND down a good portion of THIS week due to having tires that refused to stay inflated. Still, with aaaalllll that down time, I've managed to make some fairly decent money.

Over that time period, I've had at least 38 complete and total strangers in my vehicle with me. Sometimes it was quite dark outside and other times I have been in fairly unsavory parts of Oklahoma City. Oddly enough, though, I've never been afraid. Oddly enough, I've been more concerned that the passengers (a large number of them young and female) would be afraid of me. Don't worry passengers, I may be a large guy, but I'm just a big teddy bear. :-) As I mentioned in volume one, it has been a pretty interesting spectrum of passengers that get in and out of my car. While I am no sociology expert, I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nigh...wait, no I didn't. lol. I like to think of myself as a somewhat-seasoned veteran of human observation (a fancy way of saying that I like to people-watch). My sense of empathy and compassion makes it really easy to relate to people and see/feel where they are. I'd also like to think that I'm pretty good at reading people.

One of the biggest impressions that I have been getting from my passengers (if you couldn't tell by the title) is that money does not necessarily make you happy. I have picked up some shabbier dressed individuals from some really questionable apartment complexes, but they are just as happy as can be. Other times, I pick up people that (I know I'm judging a book by its cover) that seem to be fairly well off and are choosing to Lyft PROBABLY because they plan to drink... but those people that are more well dressed, from nicer areas of town and all those other things that would make you stop and think "hey, this person has money," so far have been the less friendly of the bunch. They don't really care to talk much, and if they do, they tend to be in sour moods. The times that there have been more than one of them in the car, they tend to be fighting or bickering with each other.

I know that a lot of other circumstances could play into the moods, attitudes and behavior of people more than just their socioeconomic background... but, just in general, those have been my observations. Just because you don't live in the posh part of town, wearing the best clothes and you (apparently) don't have a vehicle of your own... doesn't mean that your life can't still be friggin' fantastic. This is more of a reminder to myself more than anything. Just because something isn't working out the way society tells you it should, doesn't mean you can't still be happy and grateful for life. I know my life has taken some weird twisties and turnies throughout my 33 years, but I'm grateful. I may not be living that ideal, picture-perfect life, but it's mine. And I wouldn't change ANY of it for the world...