Patience... It's A Virtue...

Would you believe that, with as much as I struggle with it on a daily basis, that I have never written a blog entry regarding the topic of PATIENCE?! Yeah. I know. I'm super surprised, too. I have had the idea, but I didn't want to be repetitive, so I did the search... and NOTHING! Yeah. It seems like a pretty pertinent topic nowadays, definitely worthy of discussing. Sometimes my patience is tested on a super small level, something like the guy in front of me is driving ridiculously slow or the internet is craaaawwling and Facebook won't load fast enough. Other times, my patience is tested at some grand existential level, where I find it difficult to stay patient and calm because things aren't happening on my timeline. It happens when dealing with those BIG life issues: money, love, life, school, work, living situation, etc. Anyway you look at it, impatience is DEFINITELY still a character defect that continues to cause me issues.

A perfect example of impatience happened to me a few weeks ago. After the recent shake-up at work (see the post "Bad News Bears" for further info...), I started to throw my name (and my resume) out into the job market. Fairly quickly, a VERY promising job prospect appeared on the horizon. It was one that I had honestly never really considered (for myself) before. It was definitely a little more "corporate" than I'm used to, definitely further away than I'm used to looking and not necessarily up my alley or area of expertise... but I was thinking that I could've made it work. Plus, when I found out about the potential money that I could be making, I was TOTALLY on board. I went from being all social work-y and working in a service field to being Mr. Corporate Cloud... ready to make the big bucks. In talking with the recruiter, I was led to believe that it wasn't IF I was going to get hired, it was more like "WHEN you get hired, which position will they place you in?" The job was almost certainly mine, and so I became increasingly impatient while waiting for the results of my TWO interviews. The corporate recruiter who had stayed in touch with me during the beginning of the process all of a sudden went AWOL. No phone call and no e-mail. After waiting for almost a week, I found out that the answer was sadly (or maybe not-so-sadly) a big fat NO. I've been turned down for PLENTY of jobs before, but something about this was especially devastating. Looking back at it now, I realize that it's because I had started to make assumptions that the job was mine, quickly followed by making plans on what I was going to do with all of that money. I feel like I was kind of playing God, assuming that things were going to go MY way instead of sitting back and listening to what my Higher Power might have to say about the ordeal.

God: "Eh, John, do you really think you'll be happy doing this?
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Now John, listen, it is really far away. How can you make that logistically work?"
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Ok, I hate to have to do this..."

That news definitely pushed my impatience-o-meter off the charts, and it definitely didn't take long for that to start trickling into all the other areas of my life. I have definitely been short with friends, family, coworkers and everybody in between. STAYING positive has been a real struggle. After a few weeks, I think that things have definitely leveled back out now. With my school FINALLY over, that is one less thing that I have to worry about. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. If I can just NOT act like a super-impatient dick, I'm fairly certain good things will continue to happen to me. Despite the series of setbacks, I do have an overall optimistic outlook into my future. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I think I'm due for some good news sometime (hopefully) soon!

In other news, I unintentionally celebrated 16 months of sustained sobriety today. I say "unintentionally" due to the fact that I didn't even really think about it until after Megan sent me a "Happy Sober-versary" text. I think I'm getting to that point where it IS just a normal, every day thing. I don't find myself white-knuckling it near as much. Even when I took the big hit to the pocketbook because of the job situation and then followed by this big hit to the ego when I got turned down for the corporate position, alcohol didn't even cross my mind. Now, thinking about what kind of tasty food I was going to have for dinner sure did... but we'll work on that diet soon enough. 

A Movie Review For YOU! "Captain Marvel"

So, Megs and I saw "Captain Marvel" last night and after a brief attempt at writing some sort of plot synopsis that could explain this interesting movie, I threw in the towel and decided to steal someone else's description to get this blog entry going...

"Captain Marvel is an extraterrestrial Kree warrior who finds herself caught in the middle of an intergalactic battle between her people and the Skrulls. Living on Earth in 1995, she keeps having recurring memories of another life as US Air Force pilot Carol Danvers. With help from Nick Fury, Captain Marvel tries to uncover the secrets of her past while harnessing her special superpowers to end the war with the evil Skrulls."

Spaceships, Jude Law and bad ass warrior chicks. Combine that with an awesome 90's-centric soundtrack and you get a pretty fantastic movie. The first hour or so really left me scratching my head. I think they spent too much time keeping you confused on the "is she?" or "isn't she?" The way they laid out the story, they left it fairly vague on the possibility of "well, was she actually a pilot at one point or is this some sort of Skrull plot twist?" Without giving too much away, they DO eventually untangle everything and make it into a really cool story and fun movie to follow along with. In the end, you can focus on some intricate fight scenes and not have to sit there and think "wait a minute..."

Things I liked: The soundtrack. LOVED the soundtrack. I loved the various 90's pop culture references. I loved seeing Fury and Coulson as young agents at the (supposed) beginning of SHIELD.  I did enjoy that this was enough of a stand-alone movie that you could see it without seeing a single other Marvel film and you can still enjoy it. But, you definitely get more out of it if you are caught up with the timeline. I, for one, am NOT caught up on the timeline. I haven't seen the last two (I think?) Avengers movies, so I definitely need to watch those. Then maybe I'll go see Captain Marvel again.

Part of me wanted to initially shake my head in confusion/disappointment at the blatant "girl power" or "yeah! Women can do it all" in the plot. I think in an attempt to capture that attention from the female target audience, they potentially gave Captain Marvel TOO much power. Like NO one can beat her. But, after I thought about it, I thought to myself "so what?" It doesn't really matter how obviously they geared this movie towards girls. Instead, I thought... girls deserve bad ass heroes like this too!

Of course, they set it up for a potential "Captain Marvel 2" and they definitely tie it into the "Avengers" series... especially with that post-credits scene.

Other than the fuzzy, somewhat difficult to follow beginning, "Captain Marvel" was thoroughly enjoyable. That perfect mix of awesome action, super funny, fun pop culture references, a bad ass soundtrack, a cool plot and a great super heroine... I give it a 9 out of 10.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 1: The Adventure Begins...

Many moons ago, I decided I was going to try and be a driver for Lyft, for a little extra cash. My intentions were honestly pure, but much like everything else in my life, it took a backseat to my addiction. I would SAY that I was off "Lyfting," but I definitely wasn't. I had even managed to convince myself that this wasn't a financially viable solution, so I abandoned it all together. That makes as much sense as NOT showing up for work and then being confused as to why you never got a paycheck. But, then again, a lot of the things that I thought about back then didn't make a whole lot of sense...

So, when the job situation took a hit a few weeks ago, Lyft was one of the first ideas that popped into my little noggin on how to resolve the problems at hand. The parents, however, were very skeptical. They were still under the impression that I had been legitimately trying to Lyft and just wasn't getting any business. Oops. I obviously told them the truth about what had been happening. The little lightbulbs of understanding lit up above their heads as they said "aaaaahhhh!!!!" and nodded their heads.

Despite not having to work until the afternoon on Tuesday, I took Mom into work, and clicked the Lyft button to the "on" position and hoped for the best. Tuesday was kinda slow, but I didn't do it non-stop like I should've. I was nervous and unsure about how it would go. I didn't log back in again until Thursday morning, and it was a LOT busier... but again, I felt like I got distracted by a few outside sources. I still made fairly decent money.  I accepted a few rides on Thursday evening, but crashed and burned (not literally) from exhaustion.

TODAY (Friday) was really the first day that has me pretty excited about the prospect of being able to make some legit money through Lyft. I started in the morning, with a pre-scheduled pick-up with a VERY talkative girl who proved that she was apparently quite comfortable with me. That was evident in the fact that she shared a LOT of information with me regarding her and her family's health history. Like... stuff you wouldn't (and/or shouldn't) share with a total stranger. The rides continued, and seem to alternate between VERY talkative and the awkwardly quiet.

I think the financial portion of Lyft is (obviously) appealing, but I think the personal aspect of it is even more attractive. In the three short "shifts" that I've worked Lyfting, I've had legitimately every type of person across the spectrum. Black, white, gay, straight, redneck, frat boys, blue collar workers, Nichols Hills socialites, and everything in between. I think my favorites are those people who are just simply wanting to get home after a long day at work or just need a ride to get to the grocery store. These are people that are just living their lives, they just are in a spot where they don't have access to their own vehicle. Even while I'm trying to wade through my own drama and difficulties in life right now, I can't help but feel incredibly blessed to be in the position that I am in today. Hopefully I can make the day a little bit brighter for these people, whether they want to talk or just want a quiet ride home from Wal-Mart, I'll do my best.

Bad News Bears...

Well, life can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Looking back, I honestly think my last post was a whole lot of foresight and maaayybbeee some sort of premonition about the events that were about to unfold...

I have to admit that, since November 2017, life has been pretty damned good. I graduated from FIRSTEP and immediately went into what seemed to be a promising job...maybe even a career. I strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I continued to grow my relationship with Megan. I became more and more confident and strong in my sobriety. I started thinking about making healthy choices when it came to my weight. I took the initiative and started back to school. It seemed like all of these choices were yielding me positive results and I was taking nothing but steps in the right direction.

So,  things have definitely been rough at work for about the last month, I think I was trying to make it seem as if the last post was a culmination of different stresses getting to me, but it was pretty much all about work. The numbers have been going south and people have been under a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and apparently it just wasn't working. I was getting some weird vibes from the people closest to me in the office and it just had an absolutely awful effect on me. Turns out the vibes were totally real. I had a meeting on Wednesday with my boss and the owner of the company. They brought me into her office and let me know, that effective February 25th, my position would be a part-time position. I would go from working 40 hours a week and working a job with PTO and health insurance to working 20-25 hours a week and NO insurance or PTO. I was fairly shocked to say the least.

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is the biggest setback that I've faced in my life since being sober. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm incredibly proud of myself for how I've handled the situation. I told the powers-that-be that I was willing to stay on board as part-time. I told them that I would be looking for another part-time position to make up the difference. If I managed to find a full-time job before they made me full-time again, that I would definitely be taking the opportunity and I would leave the company. They said that they understood and seemed to be supportive.

I've see-sawed back and forth between having that peace, serenity and acceptance OR being a big, angry, panicky mess. Luckily, when I'm the latter, I manage to keep it to myself and I don't make a big scene. I've found that I become that panicky mess when I spend too much time in my own head and I let certain parts of my brain convince me that I'm worthless and that all that I've built over the last 15 months is going to go to shit. More often than not, however, I stay pretty level-headed. The last 15 months have proven to me that, as long as I keep it cool and don't act like a dick, things tend to fall in place like they should. If I don't act out and get all pissy, all I need to do is take the next right step and God puts in place the things that need to be put in place at that time. If the thing that needs to be in place right now is another part-time job, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what's in front of me.

It's been less than a week since I received the icky news. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. I've submitted dozens of resumes and applications through the various websites, some of them would be REALLY promising and awesome opportunities. I'm already getting some nibbles and responses from those applications. So, we'll see! The times, they are a-changin!

The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!

Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...

Progress not Perfection...

In what seems like a bajillion years ago, I got my very first tattoo. The inspiration came from the cross that hangs above the altar of my former home church, St. James Episcopal. I knew that, a few weeks later, I would be making the BAD decision to move to Dallas... and I needed something that would remind me of God, my family and my home. As I made that move, life would continue to get MUCH darker and that simple cross on my bicep, albeit clichéd, constantly reminded me that I would ALWAYS be welcome back home. No matter what. In the end, it took much more than just a simple reminder to save me, but I believe that it played a part in keeping me going every day...

Flash forward to this past Christmas. Life is SO much different than when I got my cross tattoo. In 2018, I spent six months in an inpatient substance abuse treatment center and graduated from that program in May. Shortly after, I started working for a job that I absolutely LOVE and could see my self staying in this organization for a long time. I started the wheels rolling for me to get back into school and finally finish my bachelor's degree. I've rebuilt and strengthened so many relationships and friendships. Throughout all of it, I have worked a strong program of sobriety. I have worked with my sponsor as well as my sponsees and stayed connected with the treatment center that helped teach me the tools to stay sober. For the first time in my seven plus years of this program, I've finally reached ONE YEAR of sobriety. It was a big deal. But, I don't plan on resting on my laurels. I don't think I get to sit back and relax, because I have to this thing kicked. Quite the opposite.

So, the day after Christmas, I bought myself a little belated present. I got a new tattoo! Like the first one, it definitely serves a purpose. The triangle, the symbol of AA, reminds me of my disease. I will be able to look at that forearm every day and be like "oh, yeah! That's right!" More importantly, the quote "progress, not perfection" reminds me to cut myself a break. "We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

I'm gonna screw up. A lot. The tattoo reminds me that as long as I am aiming towards that progress, then my toes are facing in the right direction. I can't get too down on myself or beat myself up. Well, not TOO much. I think the tattoo is a great gift and a great tool to help me on a daily basis as I trudge along this road of happy destiny...

Don't Pull The Trigger...

On Thursday, at 430 days sober, I had this HUGE revelation. It was a definite "A-HA!" moment for me and definitely something that I can add to my "spiritual tool belt" to use for future reference. It came to me during my regular bi-annual checkup with my doctor. All was well with the doc, he was quite pleased with my weight loss. Because of that, my blood pressure and my heart rate were doing a lot better. It had also been about a year since LAST time I saw my doctor, so the last time I saw him was while I was still a resident of Firstep. I remember, during that time, that I was clinging on pretty tightly to that first step, and was willing to do just about anything to stay sober. But it was still so new to me, and I was still really new to being honest with myself and others about how I felt. This time around, he was elated to see that I had just celebrated 14 months of sobriety. I showed him my one year chip and my tattoo.

 (Oh yeah, *IDEA!* I don't think I've done a blog entry about my tattoo yet, have I?!)

I shared with him about working with my sponsor and finally making it through the twelve steps. I briefly talked about my two sponsees, getting to work with them and what kind of sponsor I am for them. I don't think he could've been any happier, hearing that I was FINALLY on the right path... after plenty of years struggling to find it. He then went on to ask me if I had been able to identify the emotion and the trigger behind what makes me drink. I'm not sure why, but the question used to frustrate me to no end. Maybe because I didn't want to look for what it was that was triggering me to drink... because I didn't actually want to quit drinking yet? I seem to remember also thinking that the question was oversimplified... like, if it was THAT easy, I'd find that trigger and eliminate it. Whatever the reason, I think I was really too stubborn to look into it much deeper.

So, he asked the question again. I honestly hadn't even thought about it... but we started talking about it. I told him I think it all boiled down to shame. Whoa. I think I might be on to something here... So, of course I was ashamed of who I had become and the things I was doing. You would think a simple answer would be to do what was necessary to change who you had become and STOP doing those things you were doing. Start changing your life and do the next right thing. That shame would go away and everything will be alright, right? Wrong.

That shame would come creeping in through the back door when I would start to feel that craving for alcohol. For whatever reason... I was happy, I was sad, the sky was blue, the day ended in "Y," or whatever else... a craving would hit. Man, a drink sure sounds good. A cocktail sure sounds nice. I remember that, whenever I would be doing (insert random activity here), I would usually enjoy a drink. Man, I'd love to experience that fuzzy feeling. A simple craving like that, and I automatically would get down on myself and think "well, shit. I'm doing something wrong" or "I'm not good enough since I'm still thinking about it." I'd hide those feelings, I would be ashamed to admit that I was still having the cravings. That shame would kick in high gear, and one of the only things that can stop that shame is to drown it in vodka. Thus, starting that vicious cycle over again.

I know now, that even alcoholics with years of sobriety under their belt can have cravings. My doctor mentioned that my drinking years hard-wired my brain to always go to or think about alcohol. It is going to take more than just a little bit of sobriety to make that go away. The difference is what you do with those thoughts and cravings. Today, I choose to talk about them and share when they are happening. There is no shame involved. When I think about that craving, I play the whole tape through... what would happen? If experience tells me anything, it says that I MIGHT get away with the first time. Nothing big would happen. Maybe. But what about the second time? Eventually shit is going to go south and things will start to get bad... like they always do. If I keep doing the next right thing and stay open and honest about how I'm feeling... that feeling of shame won't have the power over me like it used to. What a relief!

A Movie Review For You! "Escape Room"

A group of strangers, who (on the surface) all appear to have nothing in common, are locked in a game (monitored by some unknown source) that winds up having deadly consequences. As they make it (well, most of them) from puzzle to puzzle, you begin to suspect that these people that were chosen to solve them might NOT be so random. Each puzzle is meant to expose and mock some deep dark secret of their personal lives... and then, if they don't solve them in a timely (and correct) manner, people start to die.

No, this is not a movie review for the latest in the "Saw" movie franchise. Instead, this is the basic plot for the new movie "Escape Room." It doesn't really have any "celebrity" stars, just a few people who you stop and think to yourself "hey, I've seen them in _____." One of the girls played a teenage vampire in the HBO show "True Blood," while one of the guys recently played a Canadian Mountie in "Super Troopers 2." Other than that... nothing. Which is ok, you don't necessarily need A-list stars to make a good movie. Sometimes, it actually makes it better. So you have a movie that is riding the wave of popularity for these new "escape rooms" that seem to be popping up everywhere. I've never really had a desire to PAY someone to lock me in a room and see if I'm smart enough to escape...

The movie begins with a young male trying to escape from a room that looks like some sort of library. He falls in through the roof and immediately begins looking for clues to help him escape, as the walls begin to close in on him. Does he escape? Does he survive? I guess we'll find out. The scene ends and it cuts to something like "three days earlier." The story follows three individuals: a young college-aged girl named Zoey (played by Taylor Russell, she played Judy in the recent "Lost in Space" Netflix series), an eager young stockbroker named Jason (played by Jay Ellis, he's apparently had a lot of small TV roles) and a downtrodden grocery store employee named Ben (played by Logan Miller, who actually played the character Ben on "The Walking Dead" as well... I knew I knew him from somewhere) and picks up their lives as they are each given this mysterious box that points them to play this escape room for a chance to win big bucks.

Apparently, they all decided to play the game, as the next scene is them all showing up to this big building and checking in to the lobby before the game starts. They meet up with four other characters (who apparently had less important stories... so you just KNOW that they are going to die) and they soon find out that the lobby isn't actually a lobby. It's the first in the series of rooms that they have to escape if they want to survive.

Although the movie is incredibly close to the plot of the Saw movies, I'd have to say I definitely still enjoyed it. It was as if they took the plot from Saw, but made it a lot less gory... because, there in the end, all those Saw movies became was just "let's find different and more shocking ways to kill people." I was initially bummed, because I thought that they set up the beginning of the movie to where it was REALLY easy to pick out who was going to live or die. They did throw in a nice little twist in there. It was like "HA! You thought you knew what was going to happen!" And.... blam, now we have a setup for a sequel! It will be dubbed "Escape Room 2: An Even Escapier Room."

It wasn't the best... but it definitely wasn't the worst. None of the escape rooms contained battle shrimp... and for that, I'll give it a 7 out of 10.

The John Show: A True Story of Paranoia at its Finest...

1998-1999 was a REALLY weird time in movies. For some odd reason, the movie studios put out near-duplicate movies, with just small plot differences and differences in the movie titles. You had the end-of-the-world asteroid movies with "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon," (the latter I think made much more money in the box office and is probably more well known in the world of pop culture... but I definitely preferred "Deep Impact). You also had the two insect-related computer-animated movies with "A Bug's Life" and "Antz." I honestly couldn't tell you much about the plot lines of either of those to pick a favorite.

It was also around this time that "reality tv" began to gain popularity in America with shows like "Big Brother" and "Survivor." So, movie studios caught on to the popularity and made TWO movies with an interesting take on reality television. You had "the Truman Show" starring Jim Carrey, about Truman (duh) who was a child that was purchased by a TV studio and was raised in a fictional setting and every aspect of his life was filmed and turned into entertainment, unbeknownst to Truman. Out of the two, I think I preferred this movie. I think it was a more serious take on reality television and the idea of what would happen once Truman starts to think that maybe every part of his life is being recorded and watched...

The other, sillier version was "Edtv," starring Matthew McConaughey. It was about "Ed," a simple video rental store employee who signed a big fancy contract with a television studio to have every aspect of his life recorded and shared with the world. As it begins to intrude on every part of his life, Ed tries to get out of the contract and the television studio refuses to let him go without threats of legal battles and coming after his family. A sweet, funny story starring McConaughey, Jenna Elfman (Dharma from "Dharma and Greg") and a not-as-well-known comedian named Ellen Degeneres. 

The two movies pose an interesting question on whether or not something like these stories COULD happen (or if they should) and whether or not my life would even make a remotely interesting reality television show. As a sober guy with my head on straight(ish), the answer to that is (of course) an overwhelming NO. But, in the past, that definitely didn't stop my mind from wandering and thinking about the alternatives. First of all, I was definitely paranoid... day in/day out. No matter what. No matter if I was doing something wrong. Well, I was always trying to hide at least ONE part of my life. Things like, hiding my own alcohol in my own apartment... even though I lived alone. Yeah. It makes no sense, but things like that seemed "normal to me." I don't think I ever got to the extremes of thinking to myself that I was being filmed at all times... but I wasn't too far off. Normal things for me were thinking that, if you were any sort of quiet or anything, that you were mad at me. If people were off talking with someone (ESPECIALLY if a door was closed), that meant you were talking about me. There might have been a time or two where I thought to myself "that car has been following me around for a while..." Alcoholism can do some really weird things to you, man.

It's all because I was living this massive lie. On the surface, I tried to put out this image of a guy trying to hold it together. I had a decent-ish job. I tried to make it seem as if I had the desire to improve things, but I really didn't. Under the surface, I had so many different lies going on at one time, it became a full time job in itself just remembering which lie was which. I was so ashamed of myself and had such a self-hatred, the last thing I wanted is for people to find out... and then THEY would hate me and be ashamed of me as well. Anybody that acted slightly weird or seemed out of place, automatically was someone or something that was about to find out how bad it really was. Of course, all of that got blown out of the water in November of 2017... and I found out that, even though I hated myself, I had plenty of friends and family who loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I didn't have to live like that anymore. I don't think like that anymore. No one is out to get me. People aren't always talking about me behind my back.

Now, if a police officer is behind me, that's a totally different story...

A Movie Review for YOU! "Aquaman"

So, I'm definitely a sucker for cheesy comic book/action movies. My absolute favorites are any of the movies from the "DC" Extended Universe (Batman, Superman, Flash, Green Arrow, etc). While he is probably one of my LEAST favorite of the DCEU, I figured an Aquaman movie might still have a chance at being pretty good. When I heard that Jason Momoa (from "Game of Thrones" fame) would be pegged to play Arthur Curry's Aquaman, I was like... okay, maybe. When I learned that it was going to be directed by James Wan, who has directed more dark horror story-like films such as the "Saw" franchise as well as "The Conjuring," I was like... okay, so maybe this film might have more of an adult/mature/gritty-like appearance. It is in the same universe as Batman, so okay! I like how this is turning out! Well... not so much.

As previously mentioned, Momoa plays Arthur Curry, a half man/half Atlantean (someone from the underwater Kingdom of Atlantis) who is actually of royal lineage. After spending a lot of time learning his back story, we finally got to the plot. For numerous reasons, we learn that the various underwater kingdoms are about to join together under the evil leadership of Orm, who just so happens to be Arthur's half-brother. All these kingdoms are going to join together in the hopes of starting a war with the land-dwellers and conquer the WHOLE world, not just the oceans. And... of course... the only person who has any chance of stopping this from happening is Arthur Curry, who becomes the superhero known as Aquaman. It's a race for Aquaman, as he must find the long-lost sacred trident that will unite the people in peace before Orm conquers the various kingdoms and unites the people in fear and forces them to fight this battle for him. You know, same old story.



Momoa's portrayal of Aquaman was kind of all over the place. I'd say he was more humorous/silly than not, so it was difficult to take him seriously when he'd be involved in some super-serious battle or intense conversation about how his mother had been sacrificed to the evil crawfish-people of the trench world. Nicole Kidman's portrayal of Queen Atlanna was over the top and campy. Patrick Wilson as Orm left a lot to be desired. I never once believed that here was a guy who was going to be able to stop the super-bulky/muscular/handsome/tattooed Aquaman. Willem Dafoe's character, Vulko, was just this awkward advisor character. I think that's a good way to describe most of the acting in the movie... awkward.

The visuals of the movie were pretty good. The wide-shots of the massive worlds of Atlantis or the various underwater scenery was pretty awesome. The settings as well as the costumes were all bright and captured your attention. The close-ups were a little meh, it was really obvious to see that a lot of the movie were just the actors faces cut-and-pasted onto the digital bodies, with their little hands moving like flippers and their hair flowing in the water. It's hard to take Aquaman seriously as he's doing a doggy-paddle.

The plot/writing of the movie was REALLY simple. The most bothersome part about it was that it seemed to borrow the various parts of the plot from other major movies. Significant chunks of the storyline seemed eerily familiar to movies like Star Wars, Tron, Indiana Jones, Black Panther and the story of King Arthur. Because of that, I found it incredibly easy to pick out parts of the plot waaaaaayyyyy before it happened. "Oh yeah, this is gonna happen..." or "oooooh yeah, I totally saw THAT one comin'."

All of that being said, it'll probably be a surprise to you to hear that I did enjoy the film. For a simple movie to watch, it was entertaining. It just wasn't what I was expecting or hoping for... especially in a movie from the DCEU. I enjoyed the movie, I always enjoy the theater, and (of course) I enjoyed the company. Like I mentioned on Facebook, however, that was definitely a movie that would've been a-ok to watch on Redbox. I tried to keep an open mind and take it at face value. Occasionally, something ridiculous would happen and I'd be like "oh my GOSH! This is lame." Then I would have to stop and re-open my mind back up to it just being a simple, fun movie. Finally, the "big battle" at the end of the movie completely lost me and I was like "nope, that's about it. Not a good one."

With all of that being said, I give the movie a shaky 4 out of 10.

2019: The Sky's The Limit...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

If 2018 was "the year of the rehab," then I think the theme for 2019 should be "the sky's the limit!" I rang in 2018 in musty old dorm 2 of FIRSTEP, surrounded by the guys that would become my brothers over the next few months. It was a less-than-ideal occasion, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We sat around watching movies (I totally called it... "Jeepers Creepers 3" was horrible) and eating food that was the furthest away from the Weight Watchers-friendly spectrum. When the clock struck midnight, the guys celebrated, laughed and hugged. Yes, these uber-masculine "tough guys," many from oilfields and ranches across the state hugged. We held up big bottles of sparkling grape juice as if they were the finest bottles of champagne that money could buy. Shortly after, the lights were turned off and we all headed to our bunks... life returned to "normal" the following day. But, if for just a couple of hours, we were able to celebrate life like "normal" people... except we were all 100% stone-cold sober... many of us for the first time in a long, long time.

This new year was celebrated in a much more traditional manner. After I got off from work, I drove straight home and met up with Megan. We ate an ever-so-tasty (and not-so-healthy) dinner at the little diner inside the theater and then saw the 8:00PM showing of "Aquaman" (review to come!) in one of the "screening rooms" at the Warren. When the movie wrapped up, we ran back by my place to pick up a few things and headed back to her house to celebrate the new year in style (aka in pajama pants on the couch). Maybe next year we'll have some exciting and/or adventurous new year's celebrations.. but I wouldn't have changed this one for the world.

So, here we are! 2019! The year has SO much potential. All I have to do is just continue on with the momentum that I've gained through 2018 and the possibilities are pretty endless. While I've come so far from that bottom in November of 2017, it feels like I still have such a long way to go. My "to-do list" seems to actually keep growing. I have so much that I want to accomplish. I think I had pretty good success with last year's "top ten" list, so it sounds like a good idea to continue on with that and make it a yearly tradition. In a somewhat particular order, here goes nothing...





10... MOVIES! Kind of a carry over from last year's list. I definitely didn't see as many movies in 2018 as I would've liked, so I want that to change in 2019. I've looked into membership programs that a few different theaters have available, so that is looking like a definite possibility. Who knows, that might mean a few more movie reviews. :-)

9... ROAD TRIP! Don't get me wrong, I totally enjoyed the road trip in 2018... but it definitely wasn't the road trip I had been hoping for or planning for. It also just whet my appetite for a GOOD road trip, so maybe that might happen in 2019. It'll honestly be a miracle if it happens, scheduling and money conflicts are a mofo. But we'll see!

8... Becoming a better "blogger." I've noticed that, over the last few weeks, that writing helps a lot. It has definitely become a form of meditation for me. I bet I would only see continued benefits from more blogging in 2019. So be prepared for more posts about recovery, about my life, my ridiculous opinions, movie reviews and just general tomfoolery in the coming year.

7... Some clarity when it comes to my schedule. I don't think that I'm necessarily any busier than the average Joe or Jane out there, but sometimes it sure seems like it. Between my recovery, my personal life and my work schedule... life seems pretty hectic sometime. I think if I lay out a clear plan on what needs to go where and when, maybe that might help me remember the majority of it.

6... Be more focused on the world out there. Between all of the thoughts going on in between my two ears, social media and my phone, it can become very easy to stay wrapped up in "self." Service work is definitely one way to stay involved in the world out there. Another way I want to try is to stay aware of my surroundings and take more cool/fun/beautiful pictures of my day-to-day life.

5... Improving my health. In 2018, step one was definitely achieving sobriety. Step two was beginning to eat healthier and creating a healthier lifestyle. In 2019, I'm continuing on with that behavior. I would love to continue improving my diet and maybe getting my weight down to 200-ish. I also would love to find a way to fit in some potential gym time and actually exercise.

4... Being content with here and now. Improving my sense of PATIENCE. One thing I learned at Firstep is that things (often) don't go the way that you had originally planned. If they DO go the way you had planned, usually they don't go that way WHEN you planned them. I need to sit back and trust that things are going to happen when they are supposed to happen. I just need to focus on doing the next right thing.

3... Continued job growth. I love working where I work. I actually like and enjoy my coworkers, they make it a fun environment. I love getting to help clients (hopefully) take that first step towards recovery. There are possible job opportunities in 2019 to grow within the company OR I just want to continue growing and learning in the position where I am now. I'll be ok with either.

2... Continuing my education. I'll start back to school in a little under TWO weeks! By the end of 2019, I'll (hopefully) be a college graduate and starting the journey of working towards my masters degree! I'm super excited, but also crazy nervous.

1... Continued sobriety! My sobriety is the sole reason that I'm able to go back to school, I have a job that I love and that I'm good at and that I have plenty of strong relationships with friends and family. The only way that I'll be able to achieve ANY of this list will be if I can hold on to my sobriety in 2019. I think I can do it. :-)

2018: A Year In Review...

Despite crashing and burning in late 2017, I made some huge positive strides towards bettering my life before year's end. When I rung in 2018, I was rounding that corner. The world didn't seem so bleak, I wasn't SUCH a complete dirtbag and I might actually be able to accomplish some of these things that I set my mind out to finish. The thoughts started rummaging around in my head of "well, what DO you want to accomplish in 2018? Of course you want to graduate from Firstep... but then what?" While sitting in a crowded FIRSTEP office, I put some thought into what were the TOP 10 things I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year...

10.) In 2018, I made a resolution to see more movies actually in the theater.
... Well, that really didn't come together. After graduating in May, I think I saw MAYBE five or six movies in the theater? And three of those were within these last two weeks! So, not as successful as I would like. BUT! Both AMC and Regal have membership programs that I've looked into and I'll definitely be seeing more movies in the new year!

9.) After years of being stuck here in my own funk, I made a resolution to take road trip.
...This resolution was ACHIEVED! I even went as far to say that the possibilities of achieving this were a "stretch," especially if it was much further than Sulphur. Well, I made it further than Sulphur, but not by far. The original plan was to drive to Denver, but those plans had to change at the very last minute due to car issues. We decided to stay closer to home and make a trip to Waco and then back up to Dallas for a few days. It wasn't the trip we had hoped for, but it was a good trip nonetheless!

8.) As part of my "rebuilding John" process, I made a resolution that I would have my OWN car by year's end.
...Well, with my very own 2013 Ford C-Max, this resolution was ACHIEVED! With some financial miracles and the help of two amazing parents. I have the keys to a rather nice car that are jingling around in my pocket as we speak. For this, I am very grateful.

7.) Working on my credit.
...Once I got on my feet, the financial situation was fairly dire. I had actually even looked into the possibility of filing for bankruptcy and just wiping the slate clean. For me, it just didn't feel right. Luckily, the debt management company I had worked with prior to Firstep had contacted me at JUST the right time and I have decided to work with them again rather than file for bankruptcy. Over the next 30 months, I'll be paying back everything and hopefully building that credit up to not-so-sucky levels.

6.) Working on finishing up my education.
...Once I finally felt "settled" in my job, I reached back out to OU. I wanted to finish up my bachelor's (finally) and then the goal is to ultimately go on to get my master's in social work. The first part of that goal is closer to being achieved... I start classes on January 14th. By May, I will (hopefully) be a college graduate! The next part of the goal is to pretty immediately start back to school in August. No rest for the wicked!

5.) Getting another job.
...Done and done! I remember feeling so hopeful when I wrote out my top 10 list earlier this year that I would be working for Firstep after I graduated. THAT was the perfect plan. I remember being riddled with disappointment when April and May rolled around and that just wasn't going to be in the cards. I've been with Specialized Outpatient Services for five months now, and I couldn't be much happier. The job isn't perfect, but what job is? I enjoy working with the people I work with and I get to do something that I love. It doesn't get much better than that. I would call that a definite "mission accomplished."

4.) Living a lifestyle of "willingness."
...It comes and goes, ya know? I try my best to be willing. I'd like to say that I'm living a lifestyle of willingness more often than not, but I wouldn't say I always have the best attitude about it. But I am trying! I know I have responsibilities and things I promised I would do or places that I would be... but it gets tiring sometimes. So much to do, so little time... or something like that. I have to cut myself some slack. I am doing a lot.

3.) Embracing an "attitude of gratitude."
... I'd like to say that I am a grateful person. Hopefully those people that are important to me KNOW that they are important to me and I am very grateful for what they do and who they are. Not to say that I can't continue to improve. I think everyone, myself included, could become more grateful about all of life's blessing in our day-to-day. I don't want to take anyone or anything for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised.

2.) Improving relationships with friends, family and people around me.
...My relationships continue to grow and improve. I'm closer than ever to my parents and my family. I have a great relationship with Megan. I'm developing closer friendships with people in the program and with my coworkers. While I like my "me" time, I know that I can't (and I don't want to) do this alone. A circle of friends, family and those closest to me will help ensure that I continue to lead a happy and SOBER life.

1.) Continued sobriety!
...I'm well over 400 days sober at this point. I'd say that is a definite success! I think I'll stay sober tomorrow, too. :-)

The Road Ahead...

Step eleven reads "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Even though it's almost at the bottom of the list, the eleventh step was one of the first ones that I started to work as often as possible. When I can take the time to pray and/or meditate, things seem to fall into place a little easier, life becomes slightly less chaotic. Once I invite my higher power into the mix, the life that I have made so unmanageable seems to be a little more manageable. If I keep Him out and stay in my own head and purposefully seek MY will... that's when life becomes more difficult. I become irritable, restless and discontented. That's a dangerous place to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY not some sort of Buddha/Gandhi/meditation guru. Quite the contrary. More often than not, prayer is just a simple conversation between my and God, usually in the shower or when I'm by myself. It doesn't have to be some beautifully written prayer like the Prayer of St. Francis. Meditation is a way for me to control my breathing, (hopefully) slow my thoughts down and help me decide what I need to do to stay on the beam...or make something right and put me back on that beam. For me, where prayer is a conversation with God, meditation can be a conversation with myself, or simply listening.

A thought came to me last night, while we were discussing the eleventh step in the meeting. So many of us (myself included) want that instant gratification in everything we do, prayer and meditation is no exception. I want the burning bush, an immediate answer or to be immediately calmed and at peace. It doesn't always work like that. Prayer and meditation is more like an anti-depressant. You have to take it for a while before it really starts to enter your system and change how you feel. It may take a while for my thoughts and actions to show the results of my prayer. Likewise, on the other end, if you stop taking the anti-depressant, it doesn't stop working immediately. It takes some time to work its way out of your system. If you stop praying, you won't immediately lose control and/or relapse and life gets crazy. But after a while, I bet you'd find yourself a little more irritable, restless and discontented.

I'll finish with one of my favorite prayers. It's from Thomas Merton, and while it may not be as beautifully or poetically written as St. Francis' prayer, I find it just as effective:

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Amen.

A Movie Review for YOU! "Ben Is Back"

One of the many fun things I was able to do over the holiday break was take my mom to see the new movie "Ben Is Back" starring Julia Roberts and Lucas Hedges. Hedges plays Ben, a young addict who struggles with trying to obtain long-term sobriety. Much to the surprise of his family, Ben comes home for Christmas. Ben's mother, played by Roberts, seems to be the only one that is pleasantly surprised. Others, like Ben's sister (played by Kathryn Newton) and Ben's stepfather (played by Courtney Vance), aren't as happy. They aren't buying Ben's story that he was given the approval by his sponsor and obtained a pass from sober living to come home. They believe that this is too soon and he is putting himself at risk to be surrounded by triggers during the holiday. While Ben's mother chooses to believe Ben, a series of unfortunate events begin to happen that cause her to start doubting on whether or not her son is telling the truth. The story ends with a less-than happy ending, but I wouldn't call it a "sad" ending. Translate that however you decide.

Julia Roberts does a PHENOMENAL job of playing Ben's Mother, Holly. She has that perfect combination of heartfelt trust bordering on naiveté, compassion bordering on enabling, strong motherhood but toeing that line of crumbling weakness. Even though his name is in the title, Hedges' performance as Ben takes a backseat to Roberts. This movie is more about her than it is about him. How does a mother handle a struggling addict son who is spiraling towards almost certain death? Don't get me wrong though, Hedges did a fantastic job as well. He had this ability to portray this multi-leveled performance? Is he lying, being deceptive or manipulative? Is he someone who is truly struggling to achieve sobriety? Or is it all just an act? I initially approached his character as lying from the very beginning, but by the end of the movie... I truly believe that he was an addict that was trying his best... he just wasn't listening to what advice other people had to give to him. He was living in his own head.

Although it was difficult to watch, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I found Hedges' portrayal of someone living in addiction to be pretty dang accurate. Mom found Roberts' portrayal of the mother of an addict to be very accurate. The phrases and conversations were spot-on and easy to identify. The events of the movie were incredibly heart-wrenching because I sat there, time after time, and thought to myself "yup, I've totally done these things to my family." The movie would probably have a rough time reaching those who don't have some sort of experience with addiction or a loved one in addiction. As I reflect on the movie, the main thing I'm not satisfied with is the ending. There really isn't a whole lot I want to say, because I don't want to ruin it, but it just wasn't... enough. Talk to me after you've seen it and we can discuss.

I, surprisingly, held it together for most of the film. There were only a few parts during the movie that I felt that lump in my throat, but I managed to keep my composure. After the credits started rolling and the lights came up, Mom looked at me... and then it hit me. I couldn't talk for about a minute, because it just would've exploded I'm afraid. We left the theater and had a sweet hug in the lobby. We realized we had gone through pretty much the same story, but realized that we are some of the lucky ones. I'm that rare exception. One of the few that is making it. I've found the answer and keep working towards it every day.

So, all in all, I give the movie a solid... 7.5 out of 10.

A Vision For Me...

Yeah, yeah, I know... the chapter is actually titled A Vision For You, but what can I say? I'm selfish. It's all about me (duh). As you could probably guess, the chapter lays out the possibilities of a life that you can find once you put down the bottle and start working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. "You will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead." I don't know about you, but I think that sounds pretty dang good, especially compared to the life that I had been living before...

But that's the kicker... was life before really all that bad?!? What a dangerous thought. Mom and I were discussing how, here recently, I will occasionally actually miss my father. It is a weird feeling, considering I don't really have much positive to say about him right now. We worked out, that what it was that I was feeling was missing what was. I missed those positive memories I had with Dad many, many years ago. Even if I were to rekindle the relationship with him now, the likelihood of me recapturing or reliving those memories would be pretty slim to none. For me, the same goes for my days of drinking. Yes, there were PLENTY of amazing memories of times that alcohol was involved that I had great times with friends and family. But, the book is totally right that it wasn't like that near the end. The end of my drinking days were dark and depressing. The Big Book says it best... "the old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past."

I could honestly write a book about "the great moments." It took a time for me to really enjoy alcohol, but once I did... man, I LOVED it. Happy hour with coworkers, "pre-gaming" before going out with friends, working the political fundraisers... there were a LOT of really good memories. But I have to play that tape the whole way through. Out of the 12 years or so of my drinking career... how many of those were actually happy? Eventually, happy memories started to become tainted with not-so-happy conclusions. But I continued to drink, thinking that "this time will be different," or "I can live those happy days again!" But it never happened. It continued to get worse. There near the end, I didn't drink to find the release from care, boredom or worry. I drank to exist. I drank to feel numb and just be able to make it through the day. I felt like I was never going to be able to live without it.

I'm over a year sober now, and just celebrated my SECOND round of sober holidays. After an amazing Christmas, I find myself filled with that attitude of gratitude. Come to think of it, I think that vision WAS for me. Because my life DOES mean something at last. This was the best Christmas in many years. While I wasn't really looking forward to waking up so early, I was looking forward to getting to come into work today. I get to do something I enjoy. I'm pretty certain the most satisfactory years of my life lie ahead. I think I'm going to continue trudging along that Road of Happy Destiny.

Humility...

I absolutely love the progressive step study meeting at LLL on Thursday nights. It's usually all men, around 10 or so of us, and they range from somewhere around my age to probably in their late 60's to early 70's. The majority of them have plenty of sobriety under their belt, but occasionally someone comes in who is still newer to the program. Regardless of where they are, I love hearing different perspectives regarding the steps. There are plenty of times that I share my thoughts on a step, thinking that I have a pretty good grasp or understanding about what the original authors were trying to say. Then, once other people share THEIR thoughts on the step, most of the time I feel like I have to go back to square one. I don't mean that in a bad way whatsoever, it's just that it makes me realize that "nope, I think I may have been coming at that one all wrong, I think I need to try again."

Last night's meeting on the seventh step was definitely one of those meetings. Step seven reads "humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." I was one of the first to read and share, and my mind seemed to focus in on the word "shortcomings." I immediately thought of all of those character defects I carry around and have been for years. This program is teaching me to work on those and pray on the willingness to not rely on those anymore. I focused on how I'm learning to treat myself better and, in return, treat others better as well. I used to think soooooo lowly of myself. I was such a piece of garbage, a disappointment and not really worth any sort of effort or attention. Now I'm able to remind myself that those thoughts are not true and that I am WORTH it. I am doing the work to right my wrongs and re-build a "new and improved" John. I also know that I need to cut myself a lot of slack, I'm not perfect. As long as I acknowledge and understand that, as well as remain open and willing to learn... I'm exactly where I need to be.

While I wasn't necessarily incorrect, per se, the other guys in the meeting (for the most part) all honed in on the word "humbly" and therefore all talked about what humility is and what it means to possess humility. Everybody seemed to confess a not-so-sure understanding of what humility is, others discussed the idea that they think they knew what humility was... but had a real difficult time reaching it. I loved all of the honesty. One of the last guys shared the quote that I posted above, by C.S. Lewis. The idea just blew my mind. Everyone seemed to confuse the idea of humility with the idea of being a human doormat. That, in order to be humble, you had to lower yourself and grovel. Not the case, whatsoever. He continued on to talk about the idea that, even if you are the type that thinks you are pure garbage (such as myself,) you are still thinking about yourself. So your self-hatred and everything is still a form of arrogance. Say wha!? I had always associated the idea of arrogance with cockiness. "I'm the best at this or I'm better than..." If your head is filled with all these thoughts of yourself, negative OR positive, it leaves little to no room for anything or anyone else.

I need to continue to do better. Stay out of myself. Help others. Don't think highly of myself. Don't think lowly of myself. Think of someone else. Hmm... goals to strive for.

Extravagant Promises? We Think Not...

For a few days prior, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say when I finally stood behind that podium at LLL's birthday meeting. I knew I wanted to thank certain people, share certain experiences and definitely share with everyone what my life was like now. I went to sleep on Saturday night and, for whatever reason, had several continuous nightmares in which I relapsed over and over again. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, but I do remember feeling certain emotions. I felt anger, disappointment, confusion and definitely plenty of fear. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of knowing that this would hurt people all over again. I felt fear because I knew exactly where this was going to lead me. They were incredibly dark feelings. I knew that I wanted to share those feelings. I also wanted to share that, when I woke up, I was immediately overwhelmed with the feelings of joy and relief... it was all just a dream! I don't have to live that life anymore and I possess the tools to avoid ever having to feel those feelings after a relapse ever again.

I had a very rough draft version of what I was going to share rumbling around in my head. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but as soon as they started singing and my sponsor handed me the flaming cupcake... things get a little fuzzy. I DO know that I almost lit my sleeve on fire. Luckily Shannon was paying closer attention to the candle than I was. After that, I got behind the podium and began to speak. I think I hit on some of the important parts that I wanted to share, but I know I COMPLETELY blanked on other important parts... like taking the time to thank certain people. Maybe it was for the best, because I might not have held it together as I went down the list. I also would've run the risk of accidentally leaving someone out and hurting feelings and I wanted to do ANYTHING but that. So, I decided to wrap everything up by sharing the promises of Alcoholics Anonymous with those in the crowd who weren't familiar with them. As I went line by line, I had the desire to expand on particular promises and add my own flair or flavor to them, but I wanted to keep them intact... until now:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness...
I can say that I'm truly the happiest that I have been since... probably before my parents divorced. Yeah, life is FAR from perfect, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I have more than "acceptance" or "living life on life's terms," it's something more like "be happy with life, despite life's terms" or something like that... if that even makes sense.

We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
My past is a part of who I am. Without certain events playing out the way they did,  I wouldn't be exactly where I am today. I don't want to change where I am today. My past helps shape me and helps make me useful for people who have gone through or are going through the same types of situations.

We will comprehend the word serenity...
Not always easy, but becoming easier everyday. I don't feel like I'm as angry as often. If I DO get angry, I find it a lot easier to calm myself down.

And we will know peace...
I definitely want to get a STRONGER grasp on peace, but I think it's a lot better than it was before. I do struggle with anxiety, but rather than just drown it in vodka, I do know how to identify it and handle it more appropriately.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...
Kinda like I mentioned earlier, everything that I've done and all of those things that used to make me hate myself become my assets and makes me more attractive yet approachable to those who need help.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear...
I don't feel that overwhelming desire to isolate and withdraw from everything and everyone because "what can I add? I'll probably just be a nuisance." I can reach out to these guys at FIRSTEP, because I AM useful. I can try and help this understand different perspectives on step work. I can help them understand why Brent and the other staff might say or do certain things. I can be a listening ear if they need to talk. I can be a friend. I know what I have to offer. I don't feel sorry for myself because I CAN'T offer certain things or if I don't have certain things... that's just not meant to be. Why waste time on that?

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight into our fellows...
While, yes, I do care for and am willing to do a lot of things for my brothers at Firstep, fellow alcoholics, friends, family and whoever... I am still selfish. This is a daily practice to try and stay out of my self and put myself out there, where I can be useful. Some days are easier or more successful than others. I can tell you one thing, no I really don't WANT to wake up early in the morning and go do stepwork with another alcoholic... but I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Of course, I would much rather sleep in. But I know my sponsor and plenty of others who would go out of their way to do those things for me. I should do that, too.

Self-seeking will slip away...
Yep. I'm not perfect, something that definitely still needs to be worked on. I do know that I try my best to not do these things for other people for dishonest reasons. I don't get out there and help or do whatever I can for some sort of praise or reward... I need to do those things because that's what good people do. I wanna be a good person.

Our whole attitude and outlook will change...
Some days yes, other days I think less than pleasant thoughts about various people, places and things that I can't control.

Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us...
I'm working on it. I am very comfortable around MY people. I can interact with Firsteppers, even the newer guys that I don't know yet, very casually. I talk comfortably with strangers all the time. But, if you drop me into a new situation or surrounding, I still get uncomfortable and awkward. Economic insecurity has definitely left me. I'm broke. I know I'm broke. I'm ok with being broke. People will love me despite me being broke. My bank account may be worthless, but I'M not worthless.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...
This is ultimately a goal. I still feel like I ask a lot of questions. I think I'm beginning to get that intuition, but I doubt myself. I feel like I know what to do, but I still need to turn around and ask... "is that right?" Nothing wrong with that.

We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves...
I am in a pretty consistent state of awe these days. What I'm doing, HOW I'm doing and where I am right now defies all logical explanation. That can only leave some sort of divine intervention. I know, I know... it sounds cheesy. I took that first step and still take it daily. I admitted that I was powerless. I continue to believe in a Higher Power that will take care of me if I do the next right thing... and my God hasn't let me down. When I don't necessarily get the answers that I want, I try my best (and sometimes succeed) that God has a bigger/better plan and allow it to be worked out... so far it has.

...

As I thought through all of these now, especially the later ones that I feel like I'm still working on, the thought kept popping into my head "progress, not perfection." I don't really have any of these down packed, and I'm ok with that. I'm working on myself. I'm actually DOING the work instead of sitting idly by or resting on my laurels or whatever. I highly doubt I'll ever get it ALL down packed and part of me doesn't really want to. There is always something new to learn, a different perspective to take into consideration, a new story to listen to. So here is to another year! December 1, 2019... be there for my SECOND sobriety birthday celebration at LLL!

Turkey Day...

In the past, Thanksgiving has had a tendency to cause my thoughts and feelings to immediately go negative... and there is absolutely no reason why. I think I had some sort of totally unrealistic expectation that my family holidays should be a duplicate of a Norman Rockwell painting. While they may have been far from that imagery, my holidays have always been pretty positive experiences. I'm way more blessed than most people out there. I have an amazing family and I always end the night with an incredibly full belly.

This year, when I've been thinking back to these holidays that I've celebrated as an adult, I'm honestly overwhelmed with remorse and the desire to make amends to my family. If it was possible to make amends to a day in general, I totally would. It's frustrating to think of the years that I've wasted by focusing on the negative, what I didn't have, what someone wasn't doing right or wishing that someONE or someTHING was different. More often than not, my mind was totally distracted by the thought that this stupid family get-together was interrupting that much needed bottle of alcohol I had stored away somewhere at home.

Thanksgiving 2017 just scratched the surface of what a family holiday should be. My mind was preoccupied with what had just happened in the past few weeks, my very new and fragile sobriety, the fact that I would be leaving that Monday to spend six months at an inpatient rehab facility or just the gajillion other things going though my mind. Despite that, I did put forth a superhuman effort to enjoy my family. No matter how loud and rambunctious they would get, that was MY family. The holiday was pretty wonderful and was capped off with feelings of warmth, support and love as I shared with them my plans of going to FIRSTEP. Simply writing this paragraph made me get a little misty-eyed at the memories.

This Thanksgiving was truly pretty epic. We went out to my cousin Todd's house and celebrated with the Frankenfield side of my family. Megan was able to join us as we ate LOTS of food an just simply hung out. It really wasn't anything super fancy, it was just family hanging out on couches or around the kitchen and enjoying being with each other. I did get a lot of questions and my family saying how proud of me they were, but my favorite parts were talking about memories of the past or silly conversations like what places in Oklahoma City were supposedly haunted.

The word may be a little cliche'd and overused in the month of November, but I am truly very grateful for my life and my family.  I know not everyone is as fortunate or blessed as I am. I've taken it for granted for so long and I'm glad that it isn't too late for me to show action and the proper attitude that would make people say "hey, that John Cloud really loves his family..."

525,600 Minutes...

Those who are familiar with my story and/or have been following this blog (all like 2 or 3 of you lol) know that, for me, days don't get much darker than November 13, 2017. The reasons behind that weren't from some sort of national tragedy or anniversary of a horrible loss... it was all from my own doing. I had (once again) allowed my disease to completely take over, alcohol had taken precedence over everything and everyone in my life. I still thought I was "managing" and I still thought that I was in "control," but that drink had slowly taken over. It became very obvious to me while I was at work. Unfortunately, it became obvious to other people too... as well as the OUHSC Police Department. Even though I was completely under the influence, I managed to have an honest conversation with Officer Loggins and share my situation. She took those amazing steps to give me another chance at this sobriety thing.

It still wasn't over yet. As I laid on that cot, I thought long and hard about where I was and what had happened. Honestly, my first thought was more "flight" rather than "fight." My job was gone. My girlfriend was more than likely gone. My parents were going to be totally through with my crap. But I still don't want to stop drinking, so I might as well just run away. Try and find a way to make this excuse of a life work or die trying. Luckily, as I sobered up, I was able to sit there and think about how truly ridiculous and dangerous that train of thought was. Something had to change. I had to change. When Mom and Nick picked me up super early in the morning on November 14, 2017... the change had to start right then and there.

So, as I worked on myself and on my sobriety, I looked at November 14, 2018 as a goal. I knew it wasn't a "finish line," per se... as it was an important milestone. Months passed by and the goal inched closer, I started to think to myself "hey, you can actually do this!" My opinion of myself continued to get better and better. I wasn't the piece of scum that I once thought I was. I was worth fighting for. I'm a good person and I can be of use to those around me. That is how I began to occupy my time, by helping others in this program the best that I can.


Here we are one year and three days sober. I enjoyed hearing people say that they were proud of me and that I was doing a great job. Mom made me a special dinner and Megan made me special cupcakes. My boss and coworkers celebrated with me with a special gift and a sweet card. Just further examples of the fact that I got here because of people who cared for me and loved me along the way. I'll be honest and say that I DID enjoy the attention... but I'm super glad that we are back to just "another day." THIS is what I have worked for. My "normal" doesn't contain me being drunk, hung over or consumed by the thoughts of what had I done or how I was going to get my next drink. I get to look forward to things like dinners with friends, college football and planning the excitement that is right around the corner... the holidays!