The Hotline...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve lays it out there, pretty plain and simple. Once we "have it," we are supposed to turn around and give it away to the next struggling alcoholic or addict. I've said it many times, but I'll say it again... this time around, it has been step twelve that has made all of the difference in the world when it comes to my sobriety. I surrendered and asked for the help, and the people of Alcoholics Anonymous were there for me. They loved me until I could love myself. They showed me the way to solid ground. Once on solid footing, I stay sober today by (trying) to show the next alcoholic that same path and showing them that same empathy and love.

I've worked the twelfth step by chairing meetings, continuing to stay involved at FIRSTEP, by my work at Specialized Outpatient Services and by choosing to share my story on Facebook. Until this weekend, I had never taken a single 12th step call from the Intergroup hotline. Becky (my supervisor/friend/fellow AA'er) was answering the hotline on Saturday night and thought of me. She passed this man's information along to me. It totally made a great day even better. I think I had a positive impact on the man, at least I hope I planted that seed.

Before I go into that story, I've since learned that the hotline comes in two parts. There is the actual part where you are the person answering the hotline. You man the phone one night a month from 6 PM to 7 AM. You answer basic questions and can give the standard AA info. If you come across someone who needs to talk or needs a ride, you have the 12th step list. That is the second part. People who sign up for the 12th step list say that they are available at any time to talk to someone who needs someone to talk to about how to stop drinking. Since Saturday, I've signed up for both. I'm now answering the hotline every 5th Wednesday of the month (which happens like 3 times a year, but oh well) and I'm on the 12th step list to call people when needed.

Back to the main part of the story. I won't really go into the nitty gritty details of the story, but this was a man a lot like me. A part of him wanted the program, but he had never been able to string that much time sober together. He was quite sensitive like I was, where if someone even LOOKED at me the wrong way, that gave me a reason to go out and drink. He managed to get a little bit of time, but found himself in a situation where someone said something that made him want to jump off the beam. We had a really good conversation. It ended with him telling me, "thank you. Because of you, I'll stay sober tonight." That felt really good.

He went on to tell me that he wasn't sure about staying sober the next day, but I told him neither was I. Something could happen tomorrow that could make me want to drink, and I'm sure there are some liquor store owners that would LOVE to see me back. We both chuckled. But it was totally true! He may have been "closer," considering he already had the bottle... but I have that same sickness. I could've gone some wonky news or someone said something to me that could shoot me off the deep end and into the nearest bar. Luckily, it didn't happen.

We talked again some more the next day. Sadly, I think he probably did go out and drink. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet. Maybe he hadn't found that bottom. I pray he finds it soon and it isn't too hard of a bottom. I hope he remembers my name and my number and that I was a compassionate person that didn't judge. I know that I did what I could, my job is to carry the message... not to carry the alcoholic. So I'm ready and willing to take the next call and the one after that.

Conscious Contact...

It was suggested to me early on that a good way to start the day was to pray to your Higher Power (whatever that might be) and pray for help to stay sober throughout the day. So, it would also make sense that I should pray to my H.P. at the END of the day and thank Him/Her/It/Whatever and show gratitude for staying sober that day. I learned from the eleventh step that I have a much better shot at staying sober if I maintain a conscious contact with my H.P. throughout the day. We "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Of course, MY H.P. is the progressive, understanding and loving God that I was introduced to in the Episcopal Church and I believe has been with me through the good times and the bad. While I'm not necessarily a stereotypical "hit your knees" and pray type of guy, I do find it important to open that channel with God first thing in the morning. I can most definitely tell the difference in my mood and my behavior when I don't or have maybe skimped on the time or effort that I put into my morning prayer. You can call it prayer or meditation or whatever you want, but my time with God tends to be more conversational. Usually I turn on the shower and start with the thoughts of my day ahead. I think about things I have going on and what I need to do. I think of things I need to change in my behavior or attitude from the day(s) before. I think about how I can be the most useful to the people around me. Don't get me wrong, that sounds incredibly impressive all typed out, but it isn't always that way. Some days I figure the most useful I will be is to stay out of people's way or keep to myself because my piss-poor attitude needs to change before I can help others.

I try to keep the conversation going throughout the day. More often than not, life happens and the not-so helpful thoughts pop in. Most of the time, they are just selfish thoughts that are more consumed with money or whatever it is that I can do to further my own cause. I recently heard in a meeting that our minds were MADE to think and that I should just allow it to happen, but not grab on to the thoughts. Let it drift in and then let it drift right out. That makes a lot of sense, because I can be in the middle of some quiet time and I'll all of a sudden remember something else more pressing and urgent and then I get distracted until I complete that more urgent task or follow the other thought through to the end. Acknowledge the thought and that it is there, set it off to the side and continue on with the quiet time. That other stuff can wait.

When I finally crawl into bed, instead of thinking about all of the stuff that needs to be done, I try to stop and think about all the things that have been accomplished. Not just for that individual day, but for the last 20 months. I definitely don't toot my own horn, because I don't see it as being JUST me, but SO many things have changed and improved. I take the time to pray and meditate on that and give gratitude to God for getting me there and continuing to help me stay in a place where I can continue to get stuff done for myself AND to be useful to others. "Let the gratitude overflow into blessing all around you. THEN it will really be a good day."

TRUE Surrender...

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog on what I thought the difference between "compliance" and "surrender" would be. When it comes to my sobriety, I believe that it is important to know how to wholly surrender rather than just be compliant in some sort of program. I feel that if I'm compliant, I'm some sort of zombie or automaton (ooh! good word!) just doing the bare minimum without putting much thought or feeling into what I'm doing or why. If I'm surrendering, I'm putting my heart into it. I'm giving up and following the advice of someone else because I simply can't do what I've been doing anymore.

It's been about a month or so since a close friend of mine relapsed. After he went back out, it seemed like he came right back and wanted to get the help. That didn't last too long before I think he went right back out again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on at this point, I'm not sure he knows either. I think I did what I could, but now I just feel like I have to step back and let him hit bottom or do SOMETHING on his own. It sucks. I don't want to. I want to help, but I really can't.

This past weekend, I was having a conversation with a current Firstepper who knows many of the guys that I went to Firstep with. As we talked and I asked how these guys were doing, it seemed like more guys were relapsing than were actually making it. Some of these guys were truly surprising because they were guys that I looked up to and thought of them as people who had programs that I wanted to emulate. I know it's not a competition, but I would frequently think of some of these guys as doing this thing "better" than I was. It's definitely disappointing to find out that something stopped working along the way and that these guys thought drinking/using was a better alternative again.

I thought of one guy in particular. This guy didn't live at Firstep while I was a resident out there, but he was out there when I was teaching the Step Action class. Since I (admittedly) wasn't exactly the BEST teacher in the world, I would rely on him frequently to share his thoughts and explanations on certain steps or readings. It definitely didn't take me long to realize that what he shared wasn't some filler that was meant to take up time, he actually knew his stuff and he shared from the point of view of someone who had been through some shit and was doing what was necessary to stay sober. This guy may have had less sober time than I had, but he could definitely teach me a thing or two.

But something happened... I started looking on his Facebook page and saw posts about "staying true to yourself" or various other self-reliance quotes. I was thinking to myself that, yes, it is important to stay true to who you are... but you have to be careful with that. It's important to not forget who you are and to remember what you bring to the table. Those thoughts of self-reliance, however, can be a double-edged sword. What you're essentially saying is that only you have the answer and only you can fix your problems. Eh. If it was up to me, I'd still be pretty damn broken.

I need to remember that I can't do this alone (as much as the introvert in me would like to) and that I most definitely do not have all the answers. I have made many, many mistakes in my life and I have to be able to forgive myself and ask for the help to know how to live a better life. I have to know how to truly surrender, give up all of my old crap that I'm holding on to and try something new. Surrender doesn't mean losing (at least not in this example), it means that maybe someone else has a better idea of what to do and how to live.

The Parking Lot...

A few nights ago, I was parked in one of the stalls at the Sonic on 19th street and enjoying what would probably be my last Oreo chocolate shake for a while (damn diet). I just happened to glance across Telephone Road over to the Walmart parking lot. It was pretty full, probably the usual for a Friday night. For some reason, instead of having the standard thought of "man I hate Walmart," the parking lot stirred up a totally random memory of a conversation that I had with a friend many years ago.

Let's rewind around 12 or 13 years ago. High school wasn't too distant of a memory. I was in college at the time, but I definitely don't think I had any "adulthood" in me. Life hadn't yet gone downhill, that's for sure. I hadn't moved out of my parents' home yet, but I had a good job and a nice car. A friend of mine, who I'll leave his name out for the sake of privacy, was having a rough go of life. He and his wife had gotten REALLY messed up in drugs and, from what I can remember, she seemed to be ready to clean up her act before he was. This resulted in them going their separate ways. When this happened, she moved to Kansas City and totally disappeared from contact. This was before Facebook or Messenger, so it's like she fell off the face of the earth. The last thing I heard was that she was working for some gas station...so sad, she had such potential. This left my friend here in Oklahoma, with pretty much nowhere to go. He had burned plenty of his bridges, which is definitely not an uncommon thing to do for us alcoholics or addicts. His home had become the back of his beat up old Saturn, which was parked in the parking lot of a Walmart.

I don't really remember the conversation. I was still super young, so I doubt I had anything useful or helpful to bring to the table. I do remember having this annoying feeling of moral or ethical superiority. I felt sad for him and scared that something would happen to him, but I was also unwilling to put myself out to do anything about it. I was leaning against my nice car as he sat on the trunk of his beige Saturn. I remember thinking "here you have this bright, young man. He may not have been a Rhodes scholar or anything, but he had potential." I believed in him. This jerk is throwing it all away because he chooses drugs over his family, friends and future. Long before I knew about the disease of addiction, I judged this young man for making these horrible choices, as if he had any choice to begin with. When we started high school together, he was probably a few rungs higher on the social ladder than I was. A "jock" type who came from a wealthier family. I probably never would've interacted with the guy had it not been for his wife, who was actually a good friend of mine when they started dating. Somehow, he and I clicked. We became friends. When his wife completely and totally vanished from the picture, he and I (gladly) kept in touch... at least for a while.

From what I remember, he continued to struggle for quite some time. My life continued to get better and better. As he declined and I made my way up the social ladder, he disappeared. He would pop onto my radar every once and a while, and I would TRY to maintain some sort of constant contact with him, but it would never last long. The years passed and from what I understood he kept trying to improve, but would face setbacks. We all know that, eventually,  my climb up that ladder abruptly stopped and I took a steep nose dive. Call it karma or whatever, but I soon became the same person that I judged him for being. I was "choosing" alcohol over my family, friends and future. I threw away all potential I had.

This awesome guy reached out to me a few weeks ago and seems to be totally on the right track. Surprisingly, he and I are on the same track. He found those 12 steps and is working towards long term sobriety. From what it sounds like, life is good for him. I look forward to sharing our stories of where our addictions took us. However, I know ONE thing has definitely changed. I don't look down on him. He and I are definitely equals. I try to not look down on anyone. I'm no better or no worse. We're all on our own journeys.

Health Run Riot...

First of all, calm down. My health is just fine... for now. I'm blessed that I really haven't experienced very many negative issues with my health for quite some time, despite my TOTAL lack of self-care and motivation to do ANYTHING healthy for myself. What I really meant by the title was more along the lines of weight run riot...but that didn't carry quite the same punch as health. So, there you have it.

It was exactly five months ago today that I last weighed in for Weight Watchers. What did I weigh in at that point? None of your damn business. It was shortly after that meeting that my life jumped on that rollercoaster and I started to experience all those not-so-fun job changes (and the financial changes that come with it). After my position went part time, WW was one of the first things to go, for the sake of saving a few pennies. Despite no longer being a WW member, Shannon (my sponsor AND WW coach) said that he had faith that I should be fine. I had the tools I needed to continue to make healthy choices. He was right. I DID have those tools. It was up to me, however, on whether or not I decided to use those tools.

I think it is so easy for me to categorize everything into two categories, "alcohol" and "not alcohol." I could eat the unhealthy foods and snack non-stop, and it was okay because it wasn't drinking. But, if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, all I did was replace alcohol with food. I was using it the very same way I used to use alcohol on a regular basis. Part of it was scheduling and poor decision making. While at the Crisis Center, the short amount of time I had to eat and the small choices of WHAT I could eat (and none of them were healthy) made it pretty difficult for me to make good choices. I know I could've packed my lunch, but I made the excuse (and it was pretty legitimate) that I HAD to get out of the building for lunch... escape the stress for a bit. So, the result of this was me usually eating some lunchables and chips from either Oncue or 7-11. Occasionally, I'd hit up a restaurant, but that was usually Little Caesar's or Golden Chick.

The main part, however, was mainly just using food to help me cope with how I felt. I've shared before with the emotional issues that came along with being made part time, followed by the stuff I dealt with while at the Crisis Center. Sure, I was super successful because I didn't drink. Probably a huge portion of that was because I didn't have to think about how stressed or upset I was at *insert issue here* because I was currently happy shoving *insert junk food here* into my face. 

The results of this cluster is that I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I was big right after I graduated from FIRSTEP... but add about 8 pounds to that, and bingo! Here I am. So, what to do next? Well, first of all, I'm now aware of how I'm treating (or mistreating) food and how I need to change handling that. I'm rejoining Weight Watchers to help get all of that back under control. Second, I think I'm going to look into joining a gym. I think there has to be a whole lot more going on than just losing weight.

It'll take some time. Just like with other forms of recovery, I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the small goals rather than the big shiny finish line. I can do it!

The Missing Time...

Recently, I was re-watching season 2 of "Stranger Things" on Netflix. I wanted to make sure that I was caught up on all of the action that was going to happen in season 3, so I needed a little refresher. Usually, when I've done this in the past, I find myself saying things like "oooh yeah! I remember this part!" or "Man! I remember hating this episode when I first saw it!" But I didn't really think/feel any of that when I was watching over the last few days. It was as if I was watching them for the first time. I had some basic vague ideas about certain bigger events, plot twists and character deaths. When it came to some of the smaller details, character-driven conversations and hidden Easter eggs, it was like I was watching it all for the first time. "Why?" I asked myself. I dug a little deeper and saw that the second season was released on October 27, 2017. It all made so much sense then. At that time, I was circling the drain. I was in a pretty dark spot. A little over two weeks later, I'd hit my bottom. Nineteen days later, I  admitted myself to TRC for detox from alcohol addiction. A month later (November 27), I would begin my six month journey at Firstep.

I started this temporary thought process of "well, shit, what ELSE did I miss in that time period? What else did I miss out on over the 8+ years of dangerously heavy drinking?" Without wallowing in morbid reflection, the answer is a lot. There were several big "events" during those years that I should've been there for, but I wasn't. I was either drunk, occupied with drinking, recovering from the effects of drinking/withdrawal symptoms, or consumed by the thoughts of when/where I was going to get my next drink. Throw that on top of the other things that alcohol cost me, and it just becomes so astronomically clear how devastating this illness is when it's not taken seriously. Relationships, friendships, job opportunities... all down the tubes because I simply couldn't put the bottle down.

I have to warn myself, and I DEFINITELY share this warning with other people new into the program... do not get stuck in these thoughts for two long. Yeah, it's important to not forgot this type of information, but it can devolve into self-hatred/loathing SUPER quick. I speak from experience. Instead, if you feel yourself sinking back into these old thoughts, use it as a quick reminder and then turn it around to the present. I remind myself to stay super mindful of interactions of those around me, certain job experiences, those little curveballs life throws at me, failures and successes.  That way, in the future, the only thing I might forget would be a certain important conversation between Mike and Will that happened in season two of "Stranger Things."

Working With Others...

It definitely didn't take long for me to figure out, and admit to myself, that I had a problem with alcohol. With a little help from various court systems (and a pricey attorney), I did learn that Alcoholics Anonymous was a great resource and could definitely help me get on top of this problem. However, I had a gross misunderstanding about what I needed to invest and the steps I needed to take to stay on top of the problem. Starting off, I'd go to the meetings and do the bare minimum when it came to interacting with other alcoholics. After a few weeks, I'd get to that point where I thought I had a good handle on the whole sobriety thing and I would cut back on the meetings or even stop going altogether. My favorite was excuse was somehow blaming Alcoholics Anonymous for my failings and telling those who would listen that I think I could do it better on my own. I stopped listening to those who had come before me and I DEFINITELY didn't help those who were trying to get sober after me. There was a very small group of people that I met through the rooms of AA that I could say that I actually liked. However, I don't think that necessarily meant that I cared for them. It sounds cold and calloused to say, but I don't think I ever lost any sleep when I heard one of them would "go back out" or relapse. It just became another blip on my radar... "Oh, so and so relapsed? THAT'S a big surprise." *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*

That's where the program at Firstep was a real Godsend for me. It basically forced me into the middle of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The tasks that we were given to do to progress and "phase up" through the program required that we get involved with the other "brothers." At first, we worked with our "big brothers" (Firstep's version of a sponsor). If the higher-up's saw that you were someone that was doing what they were supposed to, eventually you were given a "little brother" to help along. Working with others was especially crammed down my throat because I worked in the office. I had to help the new people get established in the program, just like people helped me. I had to help the guys who had been there a while meet their everyday needs, whether it was helping them fill out a pass or making sure their time cards were correct.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment where it stopped being a chore, task or something found in my job description. It became something natural, done without asking. It became something I enjoyed to do. The meaning behind the twelfth step finally clicked with me. In my opinion, that is when the BIGGEST puzzle piece in my sobriety fell into place. In order to stay sober, I have to turn around and give it away to the next person. Whether that's helping them with those days where they are white knuckling it, helping them with step work, or helping make sure the new guy has hygiene products... it all helps ME stay sober.

So, at some point during my six months at Firstep, I actually found myself caring about these people. I had been in the program for about three months when I lost two great friends that I had made in recovery. One of them, my Firstep brother Ben, I lost when he went AWOL from Firstep and overdosed on Heroin. It broke my heart. It hurt surprisingly bad. Both men that I had lost were people that I otherwise would not have interacted with, if it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them was an aging man who seem to be proud of his "crotchety-ness" and the other was this little skinny kid who loved to run. Firstep, and the program as a whole, are FULL of these guys (and gals) that I usually wouldn't choose to spend any time with... but here I am, becoming friends with them. I rejoice with them in their successes, and I empathize with them and try to pick them back up when they fall. Over the last 19 months, I've seen LOTS of success. Guys getting GOOD jobs, starting families and STAYING sober. I've seen plenty of heartbreaks, relapses, job losses and just the general shit that life can throw at us.

I, of course, am super hard on myself... even when it comes to the idea of working with others. I don't do it so well, or I give the wrong advice or maybe I listened when I should've talked... I can think of a jillion different ways to pick apart my effort. I've watched a few others in this program who I find awe-inspiring. The advice they can give or whatever it is that they do just seems to work and click and it seems like they saves lives. I feel like I stumble over my own words and I can only imagine people hanging up the phone and being like "well, THAT was a waste of 15 minutes." Recently, after a friend relapsed, I was even turning to the Big Book and reading out of "Working With Others" to get some help. In the long run, I think the fact that I'm putting in the effort is what matters. Over time, as I get experience with helping people, I'll learn and remember the things that work and don't work. The point is that I just have to keep doing it. I can't give up, because people have never given up on me...

It's Not You, It's Me...

When we last "talked," nearly TWO months ago (sorry about that), you could probably read through the lines and see that the last post I made was more of a "pep talk" of sorts for myself more than anything. While the Crisis Center is a critically important facility that does AMAZING work with people who are in literal life-or-death situations and is staffed by people who have a special place in their heart for people who are suffering, it just wasn't a right fit for me. It takes a VERY special person to work there. The people I worked with are incredible. They definitely don't do it for the money, that's for certain. Many of them work there because they have been in similar situations and feel empathy and compassion towards these people who don't feel like they deserve to be on this earth. I also felt that empathy and compassion towards the patients, but I didn't feel like I could provide that sense of safety and security that is needed for both the patients AND my fellow employees. I feel for the management, I know it's super difficult to keep people there. Not because of something that management IS or ISN'T doing, it's just the nature of that position. People that are built to work in a facility like that are wonderful but RARE.

If I'm being honest, I think I knew from day one that it just wasn't going to work. I just wanted to make sure that I gave it a fair shot. I thought maybe there would be one day that something might snap or click or whatever... I'd wake up and be like "a-ha! I can do this!" It obviously never came. What made it difficult, though, is I got to the point where I REALLY liked the people I worked with. They were more than just people who were training me to do a job, or even just co-workers. They became friends. I got to know a lot of their stories, and they got to know mine. But I knew that they would understand, and they ultimately did understand. When I finally turned in my two weeks notice, they were sad to see me go. But, more importantly, they were excited to see what was in store for me next.

It wasn't long after I started the new position in April, that my old supervisor reached out to me and started the talks of what it would take to get me back. I felt for her, because these people were ALSO people that I cared for. They had become my family over the nine months I had worked there. It hurt to leave, but I had to... but it didn't mean I stopped caring for them or even stop caring for the agency as a whole. I still supported their cause and wanted them to succeed. It took some time to work out the boring details, but we FINALLY came to an agreement and I had several good conversations with her and the director that eased any anxiety I had about coming back. My first day back was June 17th.

So, we wrap up my first week back at the "old job" and things seem to be falling into place. Things are back to how they were back before shit really went south at the beginning of the year. I can say that I enjoy my job and I feel like I'm making a difference (hopefully). I've also started working part time for Firstep, helping out in the office. They experienced some drama that has caused them to be really understaffed, so I thought I could help. Plus, it provides a little extra cashola in the pocket. That never hurts.

I'm just over 19 months sober and don't plan on stopping any time soon. There are definitely some big life events on the horizon, I just have to make sure I stay sober and do the next right thing and those things will start happening! :-)

Holding Their Hope...

As my first month as a "consumer recovery specialist" with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services come to an end, my thoughts on where I am in life and what exactly I'm supposed to be doing have absolutely been all over the place. I accepted the position thinking that my experience over the last 17 months has given me the ability to empathize and show compassion to the people that seek our services in some of the darkest times of their lives.

It didn't take long for me to start to wonder "am I in over my head?" The patients that come to the Oklahoma County Crisis Intervention Center struggle more with severe mental illness than addiction struggles that I'm used to working with. My experience is more with those who struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism and not so much people who struggle with things like schizophrenia. It has been very easy for me to leave after an eight hour shift at work thinking to myself that I'm not having any sort of positive effect on these patients. It's frustrating. 

I had been working on this post for well over a week, and I thought it was almost done. I stepped away from or it for a day or two and just came back to it... it was way too much and it was just a bad case of word vomit. It was a good representation of what was going on in my head, though. After several good conversations that I've had over the last day or so, not to mention being off for a couple of days, I feel a lot more calm and collected.  So I decided to scratch it and start fresh. 

My mind keeps going back to a presentation that I heard while at the "New Employee Orientation" that was held at the central office two weeks ago. The presenters seemed like they would trade off between talking about the more boring department policies and procedures or talking about the deeper reasons of why we are here or how we're helping the community as a whole. It was pretty easy to see that there is an overwhelming need for mental health services and the resources just aren't there. The services that are needed sometimes make the difference between life and death.

One presenter got up and spoke about how sometimes it is difficult to see that we're making any sort of difference or progress. It is important to remember that these people we work with are carrying so much stress, trauma, illness and other baggage that they can't do it alone. Our job is to walk along side them and carry their hope for them. After they seek services and make that progress, we can hand that hope back to them to carry on their own. That simple, but powerful explanation of what we're doing stuck with me for the rest of the orientation and (luckily) has stuck in the back of my head since then. I think it's made a difference on the fact that I'm still hanging on during this difficult transition. 

So, my current position isn't going to necessarily see people "cured" of their illnesses or I'm not going to be seeing something similar to seeing a patient get their one year sobriety chip. My position is down in the trenches, during those first few days. These people don't see any hope or that it can get much better. My job is to show them that smile, listen to their stories and share mine as well. I'll hold on to that hope until hopefully they can hold on to it themselves.

(500) Days of... Recovery...

Ya like my artwork?!? I thought it was pretty damn clever. I thought about cutting a little picture of my face and putting it over Joseph Gordon-Leavitt's head, so maybe it would look like me... but, honestly, that took too much effort. So you get the idea! :-)

Anyways, I'm 500 days sober as of today! It's MORE than a year, but not quite to that 18 month milestone. I tried to look back on what was going on in my world on March 28th, 2017 and this is what I can gather so far...

I think it was about this time last year that I truly hit that groove at Firstep. I posted something on "Candid Thoughts" on March 10th about losing fellow Firstepper Ben and my good friend Jerry from LLL. After that, there isn't another blog post until MAY. I totally dropped the ball on that one... but it was for good reason! I became REALLY busy in life at Firstep. I didn't feel the need to hide behind my journal anymore, nor did I really have any time for it. The darkness and uncertainty that surrounded my life and my alcoholism was getting replaced by light and faith that things were going to turn out okay! There was still plenty of uncertainty, I couldn't help but look ahead at the coming months and what I was going to do with myself. I would be graduating from the Firstep program in exactly two more months and I was pretty certain that I was going to stay on board with OKC Metro Alliance as a residential adviser. Life was simple back then, REALLY simple. We all know (or do we?) what happens next. Over the next several months, I've worked for an awesome non-profit agency, put myself through school. stayed sober and lived a pretty great life.

Oddly enough, today is another milestone. Today is my last day at my current job. I've enjoyed working at Specialized Outpatient Services for just short of nine months. I definitely could've seen myself staying there longer, if only things had worked out differently. BUT God obviously had some other plans in store for me, and being made part-time was a gentle nudge in the right direction to where I need to be going. Starting Monday, I'll be a state employee once again. Going into the second 500 days and starting a new adventure! I look forward to what exciting stuff lies ahead in my (sometimes) exciting life.

Metaphorical Movies...

Considering I own such intellectual masterpieces such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Jerk and at least one Transformers movie, I doubt I'll be able to pass myself off as some sort of sophisticated movie buff anytime soon. There are PLENTY of times that I love laying out and enjoying a movie for face value. It is what it is and nothing more. There is no better way to end a rough day than to escape with some totally unrealistic sci-fi or fantasy, laugh your ass off to some horrible toilet humor or watch as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson tries to save the world from destruction again. It doesn't have to be some sort of sophisticated cinematic treasure full of depth and meaning to make it into my massive movie collection.

That being said... I DO love a good movie that makes you think, one that I walk away thinking "ya know, I'm not actually SURE if I liked that movie or not..." One that you might have to see two or more times before you decide on whether it was any good. For example, Megan and I went and saw Jordan Peele's new movie Us. It almost immediately was being hailed as one of the best original horror films since the Shining. After his success with his first hit Get Out, Peele is being touted as this generation's Stephen King. Those are DEFINITELY big shoes to fill and I'm not quite sure Peele fills them... yet. But, with that being said, I do think I enjoyed the movie. As we were walking through the parking garage and she asked what I thought. I had to pause. I wasn't sure I agreed with what the initial reviews. It was either amazing... or it was absolute garbage. Almost a week later and I am definitely leaning more towards pretty amazing.

What helped tip me over was reading article after article on what the film actually represented. I suppose you could definitely take the movie at face value. How a family handles the sudden attack from a family of doppelgängers, followed shortly by learning that there were actually thousands of these doppelgängers that were coming from a network of tunnels and underground passages and were going to take over the above world. However, the movie gained a lot more depth and awesome-ness when you started to think about "well, what do these doppelgängers represent?"

There have been plenty of other movies that are like this. It made me think of watching the movie Mother! with Megan several months ago. In this movie, the metaphors were basically necessary. Without figuring out what certain things represented, the movie made ABSOLUTELY no sense whatsoever. One of my FAVORITE examples of metaphors used in movies is the all-important ZOMBIE movie. I actually managed to write a paper about it in one of my college classes! A simple zombie flick is totally fun to watch, but it adds a certain layer of depth and interest when you see that the zombies represent (amongst dozens of other things) the mindless consumerism of the 1980's.

Movies  can definitely be used to stir up meaningful and debate-provoking conversations. Or, you can have nights like tonight... where I'm just laying in bed watching Jackass: The Movie. There is absolutely NOTHING metaphorical about watching a man shove a toy car up his ass...

A Movie Review For You! "The Crow"

"The Crow," starring Brandon Lee, was released in theaters nearly 25 years ago!!! Now I TOTALLY feel old. I believe that this movie could totally stand alone based on the acting talent, the amazing storyline and the dark and gritty cinematography. Add in the memories that this movie invokes as well as the rockin' grungy soundtrack, and that EASILY puts The Crow in my top five favorite movies... ever. That's saying a lot! So, when a local movie club known as "VHS and Chill" was doing a special showing at a little independent theater... I KNEW I had to get a ticket. I loved the fact that they didn't show some digitalized HD version. Nope! They showed the original VHS version, complete with super cheesy trailers for movies like "Halloween 6" and "Mother's Boys." They also included the last recorded interview with Brandon Lee, filmed shortly before the accident that took his life. I managed to convince Megan and Michael Massey (BOTH who had never seen the movie before!) to come along with me... I am pretty sure both of them loved it. Well, at least Megan did.

The plot for the Crow is fairly simple, a man and his fiancee are brutally murdered. The weight of the sorrow makes it impossible for Brandon Lee's character, Eric Draven, to move on. He is brought back to life and, using the powers of the crow, seeks out revenge for their deaths. He then goes on to find each person responsible and (brutally) brings them to justice. I'll leave it at that, in case someone decides to read this that HASN'T seen it or isn't sure on how the film ends...

I was probably in the third grade or so when I first saw this movie. One of the perks of my brother Matt dating this girl who worked at the video rental place that was inside the GFF grocery store was that he got free rentals ALL of the time. I remember snooping in their room at various times and finding random cassette tapes that I had never even HEARD of in those big bulky boxes that you would get when you rented them from rental stores like Blockbuster, Hollywood, etc. Sometimes I was lucky (or unlucky... not all of the movies we watched were as awesome as this one) enough to be around when Matt would pop it into our massive VCR. Matt and Adam must've been watching this movie at a point when Mom was on a date or something, because there is NO way that I would've been allowed to watch it. Mom was usually pretty progressive and open and let me watch a lot of stuff, but damn... this would've been a bit much. It gathered the attention of my little third or fourth grade mind because it was the first "dark" film that I had ever seen. The super gritty and mature content matter grabbed my attention, not for the standard reasons (gasp! They said the "F" word!) that it would've gotten an eight year olds attention. It was more of the thoughts along the lines that "there are people out there that live in these dark seedy places and do these incredibly illegal things... and some of these people are little kids just like me. Not EVERYONE lives in a squeaky clean suburban setting." Thoughts like these developed an interest in certain types of films for me, movies like "Requiem For A Dream" that have characters who start off in bad situations and they don't really ever get better. There aren't always necessarily happy endings.

I remember the soundtrack that came along this movie was full of grungy awesome rock from Alice in Chains, The Cure and more. It was definitely one of the first group of CD's I ever bought. If I remember correctly, it actually came as a two-pack and included an "inspired by" CD. This CD, along with the soundtrack from the movie "Hackers" was frequently found in the CD player in my 1997 Honda Accord. I guess I thought I was pretty cool as I was blaring this, windows down and sunroof open going to school or driving to work at Mardel Christian Bookstore (yeah, I know) or Boomerang Grill (mm... chicken tenders). Lots of fun memories.

Needless to say this movie ranks high in my book. Like I said, it is EASILY in my top five. It's not necessarily JUST because it's an awesome movie... but it definitely helps. I totally give it a 10 out of 10.

"A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that was true about everything: family, friends, feelings. But now I know that sometimes, if love proves real and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart."

A New Chapter...

I feel like I say it a lot, and if I don't, it definitely deserves to be said more often... God has an interesting sense of humor. It was exactly eight years ago Monday that I was let go from my position with the State of Oklahoma. It was my first "big boy" job right out of high school and something that I took great pride in. Over the course of seven years, I worked myself up from the bottom of the barrel within the agency to being management and having seniority over most of the other people that worked there. I guess you could say I was "kind of a big deal."

But, just like everything at that time, the love for my job and my professionalism in general took a backseat to my alcoholism. While I wasn't directly fired because of alcoholism, it did cause the poor behavior, lack of caring or drive and bad attitude that led to me getting let go from that position.

So, here we are, eight years later to the DAY... and I have officially accepted a position working for the state again. I'll be a consumer recovery specialist with the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services..It'll be my first BIG, big boy job (my first position after graduating from OU) and I'm SUPER excited! It will be a more "hands on" position than I've ever really had in the past. I'll be a part of the daily lives of adults as they are in the critical first few days of their recovery. I'm not quite a recovery support specialist, so I won't do any "one on one" time with clients, but I will get to interact with them on a daily basis, socialize, lead various groups and so on. It'll be a challenge, but I think I'm ready!

Unfortunately, that did mean that I had to turn in my notice of resignation at SOS. I'm very grateful for the experiences that I've gained working with them and I'm SUPER grateful for all of the friendships that I've gained while there. I'm hopeful that those will continue on long after I leave and start my new adventure.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 2: Money Does NOT Buy Happiness...

According to my handy-dandy LYFT app, I've been driving part-time for about two-ish (maybe three?) weeks now. And out of those two (or so) weeks, I was down for a good portion of last week due to school AND down a good portion of THIS week due to having tires that refused to stay inflated. Still, with aaaalllll that down time, I've managed to make some fairly decent money.

Over that time period, I've had at least 38 complete and total strangers in my vehicle with me. Sometimes it was quite dark outside and other times I have been in fairly unsavory parts of Oklahoma City. Oddly enough, though, I've never been afraid. Oddly enough, I've been more concerned that the passengers (a large number of them young and female) would be afraid of me. Don't worry passengers, I may be a large guy, but I'm just a big teddy bear. :-) As I mentioned in volume one, it has been a pretty interesting spectrum of passengers that get in and out of my car. While I am no sociology expert, I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nigh...wait, no I didn't. lol. I like to think of myself as a somewhat-seasoned veteran of human observation (a fancy way of saying that I like to people-watch). My sense of empathy and compassion makes it really easy to relate to people and see/feel where they are. I'd also like to think that I'm pretty good at reading people.

One of the biggest impressions that I have been getting from my passengers (if you couldn't tell by the title) is that money does not necessarily make you happy. I have picked up some shabbier dressed individuals from some really questionable apartment complexes, but they are just as happy as can be. Other times, I pick up people that (I know I'm judging a book by its cover) that seem to be fairly well off and are choosing to Lyft PROBABLY because they plan to drink... but those people that are more well dressed, from nicer areas of town and all those other things that would make you stop and think "hey, this person has money," so far have been the less friendly of the bunch. They don't really care to talk much, and if they do, they tend to be in sour moods. The times that there have been more than one of them in the car, they tend to be fighting or bickering with each other.

I know that a lot of other circumstances could play into the moods, attitudes and behavior of people more than just their socioeconomic background... but, just in general, those have been my observations. Just because you don't live in the posh part of town, wearing the best clothes and you (apparently) don't have a vehicle of your own... doesn't mean that your life can't still be friggin' fantastic. This is more of a reminder to myself more than anything. Just because something isn't working out the way society tells you it should, doesn't mean you can't still be happy and grateful for life. I know my life has taken some weird twisties and turnies throughout my 33 years, but I'm grateful. I may not be living that ideal, picture-perfect life, but it's mine. And I wouldn't change ANY of it for the world...

Patience... It's A Virtue...

Would you believe that, with as much as I struggle with it on a daily basis, that I have never written a blog entry regarding the topic of PATIENCE?! Yeah. I know. I'm super surprised, too. I have had the idea, but I didn't want to be repetitive, so I did the search... and NOTHING! Yeah. It seems like a pretty pertinent topic nowadays, definitely worthy of discussing. Sometimes my patience is tested on a super small level, something like the guy in front of me is driving ridiculously slow or the internet is craaaawwling and Facebook won't load fast enough. Other times, my patience is tested at some grand existential level, where I find it difficult to stay patient and calm because things aren't happening on my timeline. It happens when dealing with those BIG life issues: money, love, life, school, work, living situation, etc. Anyway you look at it, impatience is DEFINITELY still a character defect that continues to cause me issues.

A perfect example of impatience happened to me a few weeks ago. After the recent shake-up at work (see the post "Bad News Bears" for further info...), I started to throw my name (and my resume) out into the job market. Fairly quickly, a VERY promising job prospect appeared on the horizon. It was one that I had honestly never really considered (for myself) before. It was definitely a little more "corporate" than I'm used to, definitely further away than I'm used to looking and not necessarily up my alley or area of expertise... but I was thinking that I could've made it work. Plus, when I found out about the potential money that I could be making, I was TOTALLY on board. I went from being all social work-y and working in a service field to being Mr. Corporate Cloud... ready to make the big bucks. In talking with the recruiter, I was led to believe that it wasn't IF I was going to get hired, it was more like "WHEN you get hired, which position will they place you in?" The job was almost certainly mine, and so I became increasingly impatient while waiting for the results of my TWO interviews. The corporate recruiter who had stayed in touch with me during the beginning of the process all of a sudden went AWOL. No phone call and no e-mail. After waiting for almost a week, I found out that the answer was sadly (or maybe not-so-sadly) a big fat NO. I've been turned down for PLENTY of jobs before, but something about this was especially devastating. Looking back at it now, I realize that it's because I had started to make assumptions that the job was mine, quickly followed by making plans on what I was going to do with all of that money. I feel like I was kind of playing God, assuming that things were going to go MY way instead of sitting back and listening to what my Higher Power might have to say about the ordeal.

God: "Eh, John, do you really think you'll be happy doing this?
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Now John, listen, it is really far away. How can you make that logistically work?"
Me: "Shut up. Money."
God: "Ok, I hate to have to do this..."

That news definitely pushed my impatience-o-meter off the charts, and it definitely didn't take long for that to start trickling into all the other areas of my life. I have definitely been short with friends, family, coworkers and everybody in between. STAYING positive has been a real struggle. After a few weeks, I think that things have definitely leveled back out now. With my school FINALLY over, that is one less thing that I have to worry about. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing. If I can just NOT act like a super-impatient dick, I'm fairly certain good things will continue to happen to me. Despite the series of setbacks, I do have an overall optimistic outlook into my future. I can't quite put a finger on it, but I think I'm due for some good news sometime (hopefully) soon!

In other news, I unintentionally celebrated 16 months of sustained sobriety today. I say "unintentionally" due to the fact that I didn't even really think about it until after Megan sent me a "Happy Sober-versary" text. I think I'm getting to that point where it IS just a normal, every day thing. I don't find myself white-knuckling it near as much. Even when I took the big hit to the pocketbook because of the job situation and then followed by this big hit to the ego when I got turned down for the corporate position, alcohol didn't even cross my mind. Now, thinking about what kind of tasty food I was going to have for dinner sure did... but we'll work on that diet soon enough. 

A Movie Review For YOU! "Captain Marvel"

So, Megs and I saw "Captain Marvel" last night and after a brief attempt at writing some sort of plot synopsis that could explain this interesting movie, I threw in the towel and decided to steal someone else's description to get this blog entry going...

"Captain Marvel is an extraterrestrial Kree warrior who finds herself caught in the middle of an intergalactic battle between her people and the Skrulls. Living on Earth in 1995, she keeps having recurring memories of another life as US Air Force pilot Carol Danvers. With help from Nick Fury, Captain Marvel tries to uncover the secrets of her past while harnessing her special superpowers to end the war with the evil Skrulls."

Spaceships, Jude Law and bad ass warrior chicks. Combine that with an awesome 90's-centric soundtrack and you get a pretty fantastic movie. The first hour or so really left me scratching my head. I think they spent too much time keeping you confused on the "is she?" or "isn't she?" The way they laid out the story, they left it fairly vague on the possibility of "well, was she actually a pilot at one point or is this some sort of Skrull plot twist?" Without giving too much away, they DO eventually untangle everything and make it into a really cool story and fun movie to follow along with. In the end, you can focus on some intricate fight scenes and not have to sit there and think "wait a minute..."

Things I liked: The soundtrack. LOVED the soundtrack. I loved the various 90's pop culture references. I loved seeing Fury and Coulson as young agents at the (supposed) beginning of SHIELD.  I did enjoy that this was enough of a stand-alone movie that you could see it without seeing a single other Marvel film and you can still enjoy it. But, you definitely get more out of it if you are caught up with the timeline. I, for one, am NOT caught up on the timeline. I haven't seen the last two (I think?) Avengers movies, so I definitely need to watch those. Then maybe I'll go see Captain Marvel again.

Part of me wanted to initially shake my head in confusion/disappointment at the blatant "girl power" or "yeah! Women can do it all" in the plot. I think in an attempt to capture that attention from the female target audience, they potentially gave Captain Marvel TOO much power. Like NO one can beat her. But, after I thought about it, I thought to myself "so what?" It doesn't really matter how obviously they geared this movie towards girls. Instead, I thought... girls deserve bad ass heroes like this too!

Of course, they set it up for a potential "Captain Marvel 2" and they definitely tie it into the "Avengers" series... especially with that post-credits scene.

Other than the fuzzy, somewhat difficult to follow beginning, "Captain Marvel" was thoroughly enjoyable. That perfect mix of awesome action, super funny, fun pop culture references, a bad ass soundtrack, a cool plot and a great super heroine... I give it a 9 out of 10.

Tales From A Lyft Driver, Vol. 1: The Adventure Begins...

Many moons ago, I decided I was going to try and be a driver for Lyft, for a little extra cash. My intentions were honestly pure, but much like everything else in my life, it took a backseat to my addiction. I would SAY that I was off "Lyfting," but I definitely wasn't. I had even managed to convince myself that this wasn't a financially viable solution, so I abandoned it all together. That makes as much sense as NOT showing up for work and then being confused as to why you never got a paycheck. But, then again, a lot of the things that I thought about back then didn't make a whole lot of sense...

So, when the job situation took a hit a few weeks ago, Lyft was one of the first ideas that popped into my little noggin on how to resolve the problems at hand. The parents, however, were very skeptical. They were still under the impression that I had been legitimately trying to Lyft and just wasn't getting any business. Oops. I obviously told them the truth about what had been happening. The little lightbulbs of understanding lit up above their heads as they said "aaaaahhhh!!!!" and nodded their heads.

Despite not having to work until the afternoon on Tuesday, I took Mom into work, and clicked the Lyft button to the "on" position and hoped for the best. Tuesday was kinda slow, but I didn't do it non-stop like I should've. I was nervous and unsure about how it would go. I didn't log back in again until Thursday morning, and it was a LOT busier... but again, I felt like I got distracted by a few outside sources. I still made fairly decent money.  I accepted a few rides on Thursday evening, but crashed and burned (not literally) from exhaustion.

TODAY (Friday) was really the first day that has me pretty excited about the prospect of being able to make some legit money through Lyft. I started in the morning, with a pre-scheduled pick-up with a VERY talkative girl who proved that she was apparently quite comfortable with me. That was evident in the fact that she shared a LOT of information with me regarding her and her family's health history. Like... stuff you wouldn't (and/or shouldn't) share with a total stranger. The rides continued, and seem to alternate between VERY talkative and the awkwardly quiet.

I think the financial portion of Lyft is (obviously) appealing, but I think the personal aspect of it is even more attractive. In the three short "shifts" that I've worked Lyfting, I've had legitimately every type of person across the spectrum. Black, white, gay, straight, redneck, frat boys, blue collar workers, Nichols Hills socialites, and everything in between. I think my favorites are those people who are just simply wanting to get home after a long day at work or just need a ride to get to the grocery store. These are people that are just living their lives, they just are in a spot where they don't have access to their own vehicle. Even while I'm trying to wade through my own drama and difficulties in life right now, I can't help but feel incredibly blessed to be in the position that I am in today. Hopefully I can make the day a little bit brighter for these people, whether they want to talk or just want a quiet ride home from Wal-Mart, I'll do my best.

Bad News Bears...

Well, life can't be all rainbows and puppy dogs. Looking back, I honestly think my last post was a whole lot of foresight and maaayybbeee some sort of premonition about the events that were about to unfold...

I have to admit that, since November 2017, life has been pretty damned good. I graduated from FIRSTEP and immediately went into what seemed to be a promising job...maybe even a career. I strengthened relationships with my family and friends. I continued to grow my relationship with Megan. I became more and more confident and strong in my sobriety. I started thinking about making healthy choices when it came to my weight. I took the initiative and started back to school. It seemed like all of these choices were yielding me positive results and I was taking nothing but steps in the right direction.

So,  things have definitely been rough at work for about the last month, I think I was trying to make it seem as if the last post was a culmination of different stresses getting to me, but it was pretty much all about work. The numbers have been going south and people have been under a lot of pressure to stop the bleeding and apparently it just wasn't working. I was getting some weird vibes from the people closest to me in the office and it just had an absolutely awful effect on me. Turns out the vibes were totally real. I had a meeting on Wednesday with my boss and the owner of the company. They brought me into her office and let me know, that effective February 25th, my position would be a part-time position. I would go from working 40 hours a week and working a job with PTO and health insurance to working 20-25 hours a week and NO insurance or PTO. I was fairly shocked to say the least.

I think it's pretty safe to say that this is the biggest setback that I've faced in my life since being sober. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm incredibly proud of myself for how I've handled the situation. I told the powers-that-be that I was willing to stay on board as part-time. I told them that I would be looking for another part-time position to make up the difference. If I managed to find a full-time job before they made me full-time again, that I would definitely be taking the opportunity and I would leave the company. They said that they understood and seemed to be supportive.

I've see-sawed back and forth between having that peace, serenity and acceptance OR being a big, angry, panicky mess. Luckily, when I'm the latter, I manage to keep it to myself and I don't make a big scene. I've found that I become that panicky mess when I spend too much time in my own head and I let certain parts of my brain convince me that I'm worthless and that all that I've built over the last 15 months is going to go to shit. More often than not, however, I stay pretty level-headed. The last 15 months have proven to me that, as long as I keep it cool and don't act like a dick, things tend to fall in place like they should. If I don't act out and get all pissy, all I need to do is take the next right step and God puts in place the things that need to be put in place at that time. If the thing that needs to be in place right now is another part-time job, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what's in front of me.

It's been less than a week since I received the icky news. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be okay. I've submitted dozens of resumes and applications through the various websites, some of them would be REALLY promising and awesome opportunities. I'm already getting some nibbles and responses from those applications. So, we'll see! The times, they are a-changin!

The Path to the Darkside...

I have a confession to make...

I don't like feelings.

Yup, I hate to break it to you. During my pre-Firstep days, I was quite fond of stuffing my feelings deep down into my gut. Usually, once they were down there, I would tend to then go on and drown them with whatever type of alcohol I had on hand. Anxiety? Stuff it and drown it. Frustration? Stuff and drown. Confusion? Disappointment? Sadness? Stuff, stuff, stuff, drown, drown, drown! I wasn't even really a fan of some types of happiness or joy. They were usually met with some sort of skepticism or doubt, which would cause me to, you guessed it... drown it all and just return to that sense of comfortable numbness and oblivion.

Now my life is all about trying my best to be honest with myself (and others) about those feelings. Acknowledging that they are there, they exist and they are legitimate. Luckily, life so far has been full of plenty of times of happiness and joy. I've gotten to bask in those times, trust that they aren't some sort of trick or scheme and just let them happen. Unfortunately, that also means I have to deal with the not-so-good times. In the last year or so, I've definitely experienced sadness, anxiety and PLENTY of frustration and anger. But it's all about how I handle those negative feelings that makes all the difference.

For whatever reason, or for no real reason whatsoever (I guess it could be either), I've noticed that I feel really on edge lately. Part of me feels like it might be because of the fact that I added the extra stress of school into the picture and I'm trying to adapt and get used to it. The other part of me thinks that it might be because of various stresses happening at work. I guess it really doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it doesn't take a whole lot to get me pushed into a slight meltdown or irrational anger. Luckily, nowadays, I'm able to identify it relatively quickly and do SOMETHING to get it under control as soon as possible. More often than not, I think I'm able to calm the storm before anything happens... occasionally I let something slip out on accident that causes someone to think "sheesh, John's pissed."

Feelings like that make me nervous. I don't LIKE feeling like that, because I know exactly what it can lead to if I'm not careful. It makes me think of Star Wars (hence the picture), where Yoda is warning a young Anakin Skywalker of the dangers that come along with his constant feelings of anger and frustration. "FEAR is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Anakin OBVIOUSLY didn't listen, because look what he went and did shortly after that...

Now, don't worry, I don't plan on going and killing a bunch of Jedi younglings anytime soon. I just know that I need to continue to be mindful of my feelings. Work on them. Maybe start making decisions and doing some things to try and avoid feeling like that to begin with. We'll see! It's a new day!

Sobriety: The Best Insurance Possible...

Despite the fact that I "graduated" in 2015... complete with cap, gown and the whole walking ceremony... the University of Oklahoma reminded me that I still had these two classes remaining before they would be willing to give me that little piece of paper that says I'm officially a college graduate. Back in 2015, my priorities were skewed (that's putting it gently) and I totally BOMBED two of my elective courses. I wanted to step away from school for a semester and attempt to put my head back on straight, and that one semester very quickly turned into four years.

So, life is quite different nowadays, and I'm two weeks into my LAST semester (hopefully) as an undergraduate student at OU. It is definitely challenging to get back into the swing of things, but I seem to be doing pretty well. It IS difficult, however, to justify spending the time to sit down and write a blog entry, when I can sit there and think "hmm... I also need to write two papers for my non-western art class." I just wrapped up the first (of four) units, and I successfully turned in ALL assignments on time. That consisted of a LOT of reading, two papers, four chapter tests, four mini-tests and participation in three discussion boards. When I open up the internet, the tab for "Candid Thoughts" is right next to the various tabs I need for school... so, I apologize ahead of time if I don't post AS often for the next two months. I promise I'll try!

But, like I said, I finished the first unit! I'm going to take a day or two breather before jumping into unit two, so I thought I'd sit down and write a little something. One of the ideas I've had rattling around in my head came to me a few weeks ago after a Thursday night meeting. A guy in the meeting began talking about how, while in the middle of his addiction, his priorities became skewed (I can relate) and he would allow his homeowner's insurance to lapse. He had inherited his home from his family and could not afford to keep it insured. If something were to happen to it, he wouldn't be able to do anything... because he chose his addiction over his family home. He said that he found that to be one of the most distressing parts of his addiction, why he would choose drugs and alcohol over something so important to him. Now, he was six or seven months into sobriety and was able to purchase a new homeowner's insurance policy. It was so simple and something he would possibly never even use, but it was nice to have around "just in case."

My mind began to churn around this comparison of insurance to working a program in sobriety. Stay with me here... So, I currently have a car insurance policy through USAA. I HOPEFULLY will never have to use it. Using the insurance usually means that I was in some sort of car accident or something went so terribly wrong with my car and I can't afford to fix it. I'm only going to use it when something not-so-good happens in life. Similar to the man from the meeting's homeowner's policy. He'll only have to use it if something really bad happens or breaks down in his home and he can't afford to fix it. In sobriety, I have insurance in the form of my program and support system. That program consists of meetings, working with my sponsor, working with my sponsees and service work for the next struggling alcoholic. That insures that I stay sober every day.

So, I continue to make my payment for insurance by participating in the program. When life inevitably has a rough moment, I can file a "claim" on my program and reach out for help. If I ever find myself in a situation where I would've normally drank, I can turn to that program instead and hopefully stay sober. If I stop going to meetings and participating in the program, I won't have anything to reach out for and the likelihood of me going out to drink again becomes much higher.

Life continues to be pretty fantastic right now. Even though I'm happy and content, I'm going to continue making those payments. Hopefully it will be a long, long time before I have to file that claim... but if I do have to, I know that I have that program and support system there to insure that I don't have to drink again...