The Keys of Willingness...

At the height of my "success," before my alcoholism really started to beat me down and the consequences started rolling in, I had a BIG keychain. PLENTY of keys. I had the key to my parents' home. I had a key to my own car, my own apartment and my very own office. I was trusted with keys to my office building as well as keys to the apartment of the girlfriend at the time. One of my favorite keys was my key to my home AA clubhouse, Live and Let Live. In my head, all of these keys showed a certain level of responsibility on my part and that their were plenty of people out there in the world that people trusted me.

When I started to turn away from AA, and think I could control my own life, those keys slowly started to disappear. When Robin and I broke up, I (of course) gave that key back to her. When I lost my job with the university, I had to give those keys back to the cranky HR lady. With no job, that meant I was going to have to move back in with my parents... so I had to give that apartment key back. At that point, I managed to be lucky enough to keep my car keys. But, I wound up eventually having to lose car keys as well. The only key that I've never lost or had to give up was the key to my parents' home, or what has been the key to MY home numerous times. I'm incredibly blessed and that just shows how my parents have never ever given up on me... and that's a whole other blog topic!

At one point in my sobriety, I had been trusted with the title of a trusted servant to my home clubhouse. Besides chairing meetings, I was in charge of making sure that we were appropriately stocked with various supplies. When I relapsed, I (of course) had to give up that position to someone who had the appropriate period of sobriety to be trusted with the job. However, LLL never asked me to give my key to the clubhouse up. I willingly, in an attempt to be hurtful, gave them the key back. It was my way of saying "I'm done with LLL and I'm certainly done with AA!" While I continued to go back to LLL for a few years after that incident, I was truly never the same. I had betrayed the trust of my home group and people who had become a second family to me. Even worse, I had built an imaginary wall in between me and LLL, making it to where they couldn't reach out to me and I couldn't reach out for them. Eventually, I told my sponsor that I needed a break from AA. I told him I didn't want to drink, but I knew in my heart that wasn't true... and I'm pretty sure he knew that, too.

My story continued to get a lot darker before it got better. While my family never left my side, I continued to lose/quit jobs and make handfuls of other really bad decisions. It was nearly one year ago when I finally found that bottom before I finally turned everything over and decided to take the next right step. Within 11 months, I feel like I've made a complete 180 and am finally moving forwards rather than backwards. I'm re-establishing relationships that I let grow stagnant as well as creating NEW relationships with some pretty amazing people. I have a phenomenal job. I am someone who is rebuilding the reputation of being someone who is reliable and trustworthy. To top all of that off... my key ring is full again. This month, I am entrusted with chairing the Thursday night meeting at LLL. Even if it is temporary, I've been given another chance with the key to the clubhouse. This means more to me than they might realize. To me, it symbolizes that dark moment where I turned my back on LLL and on AA is closed and in the past.

More importantly than even that, is I've gained that key of willingness. In the 12 and 12, it says that this program is only possible if we "pick up the key of willingness." They key is to a door that, once opened, opens us up to a world of endless possibilities. If I can just stay open to the idea that just MAYBE these people of AA know what they are talking about and be willing to do what they say, it only gets better. I'm the poster child of that. Because of this program my schedule is full. My heart is full. My key ring is DEFINITELY full, but there's always room for more...

No Opinion...

I've been in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for over seven years, so I'm definitely no stranger to the 12 steps. That being said, I have never really given them the attention or the respect that they deserve until this past year. I also tend to forget that AA has 12 traditions in addition to the steps. While the steps are in place to help an individual achieve long-term sobriety, the traditions are there to help make sure that AA groups and clubhouses can keep their doors open and focus on their ultimate purpose. They are there to help groups with how we should deal with money issues, how we should handle leadership and... most importantly... how to approach the more controversial aspects of everyday life.

I just realized that I've never really focused on the traditions before... because I've never really CARED about helping OTHER alcoholics to achieve THEIR sobriety... I was barely concerned about my own.

In the month of October, some groups focused on tradition 10. that states "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Wait... what? How are we supposed to do that?? Everyday, we are surrounded by important matters that involve politics, religion and controversial topics like LGBT rights. Whether you find yourself on the left or the right, we are encouraged to "fight" for what we believe in as right or wrong. We're supposed to take a stand, spread the word and help educate those who might not know or might be undecided.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am INCREDIBLY opinionated on pretty much everything. Best restaurants? I'll tell you. What movie you should see? Yeah, come ask me. Who you should vote for? You probably don't even have to ask me... I've probably already told you. Especially when you start jumping into political issues. I feel very strongly that I need to fight for what I believe in, otherwise this country and this society run the risk of becoming so toxic and scary and a place where I don't want to raise my soon-to-be children.

I'm not going to change. That's part of who I am, at my core. But even I have gotten to that point where I know that there is a time or place for me to state that people should ELECT DREW EDMONDSON FOR GOVERNOR. Sorry, that one slipped. Ultimately, I don't want to make it where I am unapproachable. Let's say a die-hard Kevin Stitt supporter comes through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. He should be able to reach out to me and I can do my best to try and share with him what was given to me. If one of my sponsees supports Kevin Stitt, and has the choice of either talking to me or going back out and drinking or using... I need to make sure that I am approachable regardless of political or personal opinion.

Donald Trump supporter? Of course I'm here to share with you my experience, strength and hope. Sheesh, if I had originally supported the man, I'd probably drink too. Oops, there I go again. I slipped.

All kidding aside, regardless of political affiliation, theological or philosophical opinions, favorite movie genre, thoughts on best restaurant or what direction you hang your toilet paper on the roll... I have learned from AA that...

"I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that, I am responsible."

Sober...

For the first time in a LONG time, I walked away from an AA meeting actually feeling worse. That's not supposed to happen!!! It was an overall good meeting, but one of the people who shared near the end of the meeting decided to crack an incredibly tacky and insensitive joke. To add insult to injury, after he cracked his joke, pretty much the whole room laughed. It's as if they said, "yep! we condone this type of joke and this type of behavior and we find it humorous to laugh about!" Apparently they COMPLETELY forgot the part of AA's preamble that states that we do "not wish to engage in any controversy." Seriously. I was fuming. I was proud of myself for not saying something or lashing out. I walked away. I still don't know if that was good or not, but I suppose I need to talk to my sponsor about it!

I kept trying to tell myself "principals before personalities" or that just because the guy supposedly has years of sobriety under his belt, doesn't mean that he's working a good program. He's DEFINITELY not working a program that I want to emulate. I shared my feelings with the guys I brought to the meeting, and (thankfully) they also noticed it and thought it was equally as tasteless. I shared about it with another friend, who told me "sobriety does not a good person make." Eventually I cooled off and started realizing that this guy is still sick and that this situation has little to nothing to do about me. This helped me be able to think about parts of the meeting that I DID enjoy.

The chairperson opened the meeting up as kind of a "free for all," or "share where you're at" type of meeting. He shared where he was and started talking about listening to the song "Sober" by the 90's rock/grunge band Tool. I'm quite familiar with this song, it's definitely in my collection. I've even had internal conversations about this song in my head, in regards to my sobriety. So, he continued on to mention a line of lyrics that had stirred some thoughts for him: "Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever? I just want to start this over." Besides the slightly frustrating use of a double negative, this song can definitely stir up some thoughts regarding alcoholism. I remember being smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism and hearing this song. as if it was talking to me. I don't know why I can't be sober! That internal battle of wanting to be sober, wanting to start over, but definitely wanting to drink forever. It was pretty cool to hear someone else actually bring that song up in a meeting. I wasn't alone!

What's interesting though, is that those aren't usually the lyrics that catch my attention. I've always hard this: "I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you Just enough to bring you down." So, SO true. When I'm smack dab in the middle of my alcoholism, hate is not strong enough of a word to describe how I feel about myself. I'm not worth the fight. While drinking, I've done so many horrible things to hurt those people that are the closest to me... I absolutely loathe myself. The only thing that can stop those horrible, dark thoughts about myself are to drown them in more liquor. So begins that vicious cycle. When I'm working my program and doing my best to make myself a better person, I immediately start feeling better about who I am. I'm doing what I can to correct my past and learning the ways to have a much better future. Things look bright. My future has hope. It's incredibly important for me to remember the dark feelings, so I can appreciate where I am and what I have now.

10 Months and Counting...

I rang in 10 luscious months of sobriety this Friday, surrounded by friends, loved ones and a parking lot full of fellow alcoholics at the Western Club. I received my chip and was able to share (briefly) on how I was doing it. I have a lot of support from some pretty amazing people in my life AND I'm reaching out and passing this gift on to the next person who is struggling to stay sober. Those are the ways that I'm doing it.

It boggles my mind to think about the fact that, the very next morning, I woke up WAY too damn early and drove BACK out to Firstep to pick up two of the newer guys and take them to one of the Saturday morning men's meetings. Me. I actually chose to wake up early on a SATURDAY and drive out into the wilderness (ok, not the wilderness... it's like SW 104th street and W. Stanley Draper Drive, but still...) to pick up two guys and drive 'em back out to the clubhouse I was JUST at the night before. This program makes you do silly things, I'm telling you.

So, I'm sitting there with two of the guys from Firstep, with the intention of getting them connected with other men in the program who could potentially be permanent sponsors. It doesn't take me long to realize that the meeting I had MEANT to bring them to was the 8:00 AM, but because I do have a lazy streak, I decided that I was going to bring them to the 9:15 meeting instead... well, I guess there is really no such thing as the WRONG meeting. I guess you can say that the meeting you go to is the meeting you were meant to attend. I told them we'd try the 8:00 meeting next weekend. (WHAT?! Waking up early two Saturdays in a ROW?! Are you mental??) Anyways... the meeting was really good, I got a lot out of it and so did the guys. One of the two actually picked up his 60 day chip. Man oh man, remembering where I was at 60 days...

It was odd, though, my attention kept getting drawn back to this one chair two rows in front of us. It was simple, brown and metal with a small vinyl cushion. You know how the cushion will take the shape of someone's ass after they have been sitting there a while? That was this seat. Yeah, a meeting had just ended about 15 minutes or more prior to me noticing the chair, but all of the other empty cushions in the room had already returned to a "normal" shape. It was as if someone was still sitting there. My mind wandered and I got cheesy for a moment and thought something along the lines of "ooh! There's a ghost sitting there..." But it flipped a switch. Maybe that was the case? The Western Club has been around for a long, long time. People have had loooooooong bouts of sobriety in that clubhouse and have passed away. So many people find AA clubhouses like the Western Club to be a place of peace and respite. Who's to say that a person's spirit couldn't find rest in a place like that as well? Just an odd thought.

While I have reached the milestone (to me) of 10 months, and have accepted the honesty that I never (truly) got much beyond MAYBE a month of honest sobriety before relapsing, I've seen many men at the Western Club and other clubhouses with 30+ years of sobriety with regular attendance of AA meetings. It's a thought-provoking realization to know that this is just the beginning. In the end, 10 months will be a little blip on the radar of my sobriety. (OOOOOH that was deep. Go me.) But, as for now, I'm pretty stoked that I just managed to not go out there and drink today. I'm proud of myself. Yep. You read that right. I'm proud. Of myself. Me.

Friday also marked the seven-year "friend-a-versary" for Nick and me. Yeah, he's been in my life for 20ish years at this point, but we became Facebook friends in 2011. So I posted this slightly over-the-top and sappy post about what Nick means to me... and it was all 100% honest. Then, by the end of this weekend Nick wound up in the hospital. Early reports involved a blood clot in his spleen and a rush to the ER and it was all very shocking and discombobulating. I teared up on the way home to shower and pick Mom up to go up to the hospital. He's spending the night at St. Anthony, but he's going to be ok. They're just observing. I brought Mom home and let her get some rest too. We're getting closer to 11 or so and I have work in the morning. 

Try...

Yoda doesn't know what he's talking about...

Well, I'll be damned if "those people" out there weren't telling me the truth. It truly does work if you work it. I've been sober for a couple of days past nine months. Life is... full. I'd say you could even describe it as "busy." But I wouldn't change it for the world.

At FNA last night, I was asked to read "How It Works." Even though I'm quite familiar with this section of the Big Book, I gained two new things from reading it in front of the ridiculously large crowd: One was a newfound respect for people who get up in front of that crowd and speak from their hearts (not a laminated sheet of paper) and share some of the most private details of their stories in hopes of reaching out to another alcoholic or addict. The other was a tap on the shoulder from God, a nudge in the right direction or just a general inspiration on what to write about for my next blog entry.

Even though I have stood up in front of that crowd before, I was surprisingly nervous about reading last night. Plus, nobody told me that the sheet is SUPER glossy and kind of difficult to read from. But I did my best and plowed through it. If I could do it over, the only thing I would do differently is maybe look up and make more eye-contact with the crowd. Oh well. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...

I've probably read the 12th step, both to myself and out loud, probably a gajillion times. But for some reason this one word stuck out to me while I read it out loud in front of a room full of alcoholics. "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs."

It just requires us to TRY. It's not saying that we do it better than the last person who did the twelfth step. It doesn't say we have to be some sort of Alcoholics Anonymous poster-child. Try. Over the last nine months, I've been truly given a gift and all that I'm supposed to do is TRY and do my best to carry that message out to another alcoholic or addict. That reminder lifts a HUGE weight off of my shoulder and makes me feel so much better about myself and what I'm doing about my program.

I have never, in seven plus years, made it this far. I'm in foreign territory. I have NO clue what I'm doing. I can, especially when it comes to sponsoring, allow myself to be COMPLETELY consumed my self-doubt and being self-critical. When I do that, I'm getting distracted from what I should really be thinking about and doing. I just need to relax and keep trying to do the next right thing. I need to give myself some wiggle room and realize that I hopefully will be a different person a year or more from now. I will definitely be a different sponsee as time goes on and I will hopefully learn new things and become a different sponsor as time goes on as well. Today, I'm going to do what I need to do and try to carry this message to alcoholics as well as practice the principles of this program in everything I do...

The Power of Dreams...

It may sound incredibly cheesy, but life after FIRSTEP has been way better than I possibly could've imagined. I've managed to STAY SOBER... I'm almost 8 months sober! Absolutely crazy. I think my honest record of sobriety before might've been a month, maybe two?! I have no idea where this strength and willpower is coming from, because it's totally not me...

I've been staying plugged into the program, working with my sponsor and going to meetings. I have even been fortunate enough to get to bring some of the FIRSTEP guys out to meetings with me occasionally. I also have had the opportunity to sponsor some of the guys and help them along with their step work and phasing up. Sponsorship and being committed to those guys adds a whole new level of effort I'm putting into my sobriety. I know I need to do it for me, and I definitely am, but it helps knowing that I have guys that I don't want to let down or disappoint either.

I've been working for SOS for a little over a month and I absolutely love it. It takes working in an office/administrative atmosphere that I'm comfortable in and adds in getting to work in an environment where I'm working FOR and WITH other people who are wanting to get sober and stay sober. I am fortunate enough to get to take my experiences, which I once considered shameful, and use them as a tool and a way for me to help people who are going through similar or worse situations. I can definitely see me staying here for quite some time.

My relationships continue to grow in and out of the program. Moving back in the with the parents after FIRSTEP, I've tried my best to be an additional asset to the family rather than drag them down and be a negative presence. I'm hopeful that they've noticed the differences in me day in and day out. Megan and I continue to grow, spending as much time as we can together. I'm lucky that she's understanding that my schedule (for now) has to stay pretty full with things that are going to help me stay sober.

With the job plugging along, it seems like life could be getting better financially, one step at a time. One of the first steps to "normalcy" was working with Mom and Nick on getting another car! After a very weird and jumpy (we went from one type of car to another pretty willy-nilly) search, I found a 2013 Ford C-Max Hybrid that I absolutely fell in love with. The deal was phenomenal and so far she has been a great little car. Her name is Maxine and (hopefully) I see her sticking around for a while.

While I don't think I have the whole sobriety thing down packed, I'm definitely the most comfortable with it that I've ever been in the seven-plus years of trying/not trying. That being said, I've started another endeavor and taken on the dubious task of bringing my weight down to a more acceptable level. I was definitely already a big guy pre-FIRSTEP, more than likely hitting that point where I was the heaviest that I've ever been. Then FIRSTEP came along, and they fed me quite well, so I continued to grow. I knew that I was borderline 300 pounds, if not a little over. So, after I got paid, Mom and I decided to start back on Weight Watchers. So far, it has been the ONLY program that I've lost weight with, while still being somewhat healthy. My first weigh-in was at a whopping 288.4 pounds. Geeeeeeez. After two weeks of weigh-ins and I'm already down 10.8 pounds! I think I'm setting my goal for 200 and see how I feel/look at that point...

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The other day, I got a random text message from my friend Shanna that sent a chill down my spine. It read:

"I had a really important dream about you last night and it felt like a message. We were in a big group of people, eating lunch. You were happy, settled in a community of people who care about you and are working towards the good. You were also settled perfectly in your body, which I felt very strongly was perfect as it is."

While I've been somewhat in contact with Shanna, I hadn't really heard from her lately. I was super-busy with my life after FIRSTEP and she recently had her first baby with Tye, so they were DEFINITELY busy. I hadn't really done a good job of keeping in contact with her for a week or so when she randomly sent me that text. It was just so weird, because I had just been having one of those moments where I was thinking to myself how much my life seemed to be coming together. I'm sober. I'm happy. I'm actually okay with my body for once. Everything is good. Those things that aren't so good are even okay, and I'm learning how to deal with them and stay sober. I'm in a really positive headspace for the first time in a LONG time.

I believe very strongly in the importance and meanings behind dreams. Hell, I've taken classes on the subject matter before. So I find it pretty incredible and spot-on that this message came to Shanna. Hopefully it was the universe letting her know, "hey, you're friend John? He's going to be A-OK after all..."

The Next Step...

179 days, several major holidays, a college football championship, a few birthdays, a double ear infection and THREE funerals later... and my time here at FIRSTEP (as a client) is almost over. With a mere four days left before I get to stand up in front of the community and "graduate" from the program, it's crazy to look back and see that, while it doesn't SEEM like it's been that long, so much has changed and it really HAS been a long time. Some of the vestiges (oooooh, good word!) of "old John" are proving to be stubborn and aren't going away as easily and as quickly as I would like them to, but I do pretty much feel like a totally new person.

I think Tuesday night will be hard! If I manage to walk away without shedding at least a tear or two, I will be truly surprised. I asked Brent to "read me out," so he'll get up and say a few words about me and read what it says on my certificate. He smiled, I think that made him happy. As a newer client, I used to think that people always picked Jonas and no one ever seemed to pick Brent... I had decided that I was going to pick Brent, just because I thought that was the nice thing to do. Here we are, months later, and I have developed a close relationship with Brent. He has been this awesome brother/father/role model figure that I've really tried to learn from while at FIRSTEP. He has heart and feelings for these guys, but he also doesn't mess around when it comes to this program. Brent DID say something about "why don't you have Bill read you out??" Trust me, if I could have both... I totally would. Bill has definitely become my best friend/ally/brother during my time here. I know I'll definitely see plenty of both Brent and Bill after I graduate.

I do have a basic idea of what I want to say. I don't want to write anything down, because I don't want to be a robot... I want to know that it comes from the heart. I know who I need to thank, I just need to think of a great way to express my "parting thoughts" towards the guys I've lived with for the last six months. So many important things I want to express that will hopefully make the rest of their time at FIRSTEP and the rest of their lives so much better.

I'll head back home to my ACTUAL home, where my room, my Xbox and my dog are all waiting for me. I'll get to sleep in my OWN bed and not have to drown out the snores of 39 other guys with my headphones. If I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, it's just a few short steps away from my room... not on the opposite side of the building. I'll get to eat a (somewhat) wider variety of foods! I'm going to enjoy a day or two of eating what I damn well please... before buckling down and doing something like Weight Watchers to get this belly of mine under control...

My own room, my own bathroom, my dog, food, all of that stuff... those luxuries that I've been waiting six months for. Somehow, I'm still going to (honestly) miss the life that I've had here while at FIRSTEP. The structure is oddly comforting. The surroundings are peaceful. You actually get to enjoy living in a big dorm full of guys. It's difficult to feel alone and sad when you're surrounded by 70 guys all cracking dick and fart jokes all the time...

Wednesday morning, I'll wake up just like I used to BEFORE November 14th... BEFORE alcohol took over. I'll get ready and take Mom to work. After that, I'll run by the NEW JOB to start paperwork and what-not.... That's right. You heard correctly. NEW JOB. I'll be working for an organization called Specialized Outpatient Services, or "SOS" for short. They provide different services, counseling, programming and classes for people who are dealing with addiction and may or may not have a court situation that they are handling. RIGHT up my alley. I'll be an "enrollment specialist." I'll help in the office and work with new clients and help get them enrolled for the various services that they may need. I look forward to being a voice of hope for guys that are just starting to tackle this issue. Show them that "hey, not everyone involved is a harsh and judgmental voice. You're a person, too. There is a finish line to this and it DOES get better."

The actual job itself doesn't start until the first week of June. I'm CRAZY excited about the fact that it seems like that should be the next step for me to getting OTHER stuff done... like cars and school and my own place and and and... so on and so forth. I do plan on finding a way to make sure that FIRSTEP stays a part of my life. I'm currently in talks with corporate on becoming a volunteer that has permission to drive guys to meetings and other outings. I would love to stay in contact with as many of these guys as possible and become a part of the lives of the new guys that come way after me.

While at FIRSTEP, and at the end of every AA meeting in general, we cite the serenity prayer or the Lord's prayer and then shout out "keep coming back, it works if you work it!" More than ever, I believe that is oh so true. I'm workin' it and it sure is working...

A Look Back...

"Hi John!

Wow! SIX months! You ACTUALLY did it! Remember how you felt last November as your family drove away? You sat in a strange dorm in someone else's scrubs as your neatly arranged clothes were tossed into trash bags. You felt alone, scared and tempted to give into the thoughts that maybe you made the wrong decision. Well, I don't have to tell you this, but you DEFINITELY made the RIGHT decision!

You've come so far. You live an honest life, even when it isn't easy. That means having a look at yourself and your life. It also meant asking for help when you were struggling. You made sure to be honesty when you didn't understand and asked PLENTY of questions. Be sure to be thankful to people like Alex and all of those who were patient and answered your millions of questions.

Speaking of being thankful, you've truly become a man who lives a life of gratitude. You're grateful of what God has done for you in the past and the chances you've been given. You are thankful of even the smallest of blessings. Even when you were stuck with mopping the whole dorm or given chow hall duty, you were grateful of being accepted into this community of men in recovery and willing to do your part... even if it was gross or less than pleasant."

Your willingness and open-minded attitude has shown you that the program this community follows could help keep you sober. Now, here you are, SIX months later. You're sober as can be. You're as happy as you've ever been. Please stay that way. Stay honest. Stay open-minded. Stay willing. Stay grateful. Stay proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Very sincerely,
John Cloud"

Sooo... I obviously wrote this letter to myself. I wrote it last November and turned it in with my very first work packet for FIRSTEP while I was still in the "orientation" phase. I was still very, VERY new to the program. When I turned this in, I would've had a month or so of sobriety. I was on the other end of some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms, I had handled all of my financial affairs and I had jumped in head first to this new treatment thing. Life wasn't exactly "good" per se, but I was holding on to a very small glimmer of hope and I had some definite and clear goals for myself.

One of the assignments was to write a letter to myself, dated for my graduation day. "In this letter, describe how you've changed during the six months that you've been at FIRSTEP. Describe how you've worked to evolve into that person who will have done all that he has wished to do or become everything he wanted to be. I want you to fall passionately in love with the person that you describe in your letter."

I took the assignment very, very seriously (what is up with me and this "very, very" kick??). I stepped back and looked at my life and knew the areas that I wanted to improve. Honesty, gratitude, willingness and open-mindedness were all areas of my life that would have to go through BIG overhauls if I were to have any success in this program and success in long-term sobriety. I've worked the last five plus months at making those the pillars of my life. If I'm going to make it, I need to let you know how I'm really feeling. If I'm going to succeed, I need to remain grateful for what I DO have and what I HAVE accomplished. I need to learn what the RIGHT things to do and the RIGHT tools to have and, in order to do that, I have to be open-minded about what the people of AA are telling me and willing to do anything to stay sober.

I'm by NO MEANS perfect at those four things, but I'm way better at them than I was this past November...

So, I'm proud of myself for taking that assignment seriously and setting those clear and concise goals for myself. I wake up in the morning and I know what I need to work towards and what kind of man I would like to be as I continue to grow and heal in this AWESOME program...

A Fresh Start...

On the morning of November 14th, when I sat on the couch in my parent's living room with the post-it note in my hand containing FIRSTEP's phone number, I was completely broken. I was absolutely willing to try anything to finally stop hurting myself, stop hurting other people and achieve some sustained sobriety. That post-it note held the answer to my problem. I took the steps to get myself plugged back into the solution and was told to be at FIRSTEP on November 27th. I spent the next two weeks working on myself, getting over the withdrawal symptoms and then making sure all of my financial ducks were in a row before committing myself to six months of intensive self-reflection and trying to build myself up to be the best John Cloud that I can be.

As we drove up the long and rough road onto the FIRSTEP property, that resolve honestly weakened up... a lot. The little demons inside my head were working overtime on reasons to not stay or trying to be critical of anything and everything that I saw in front of me. The place was peaceful and serene, it looked like a church summer camp. But all of a sudden, you'd think I was someone who couldn't tolerate the outdoors and was used to the "finer" things in life. The road was too rough, these buildings were too shabby and...ugh... did you see that bathroom?! I completed their stack of annoying paperwork, put on their dingey scrubs and threw my neatly washed and folded clothes into the dryer for their bed-bug prevention program. Ugh. SIX MONTHS?! I'll never, ever graduate. It's going to take forever.

Luckily, the little angels in my head were a lot more stubborn and told me to stick with the program. My resolve to stay here wobbled along on its own for a few brief hours before the guys started coming home from work and they all kind of propped me up. I'm not exactly sure they would've LET me leave! I pushed back and pushed back, trying my best to be left alone. I think it was about halfway through this program before I finally gave in, put down the journal and jumped into the middle of it (to the best of my ability). Since then, that last three months have been an absolute blur.

Here we are, 18 days left in the program. I'm almost there. I've rounded that corner. I mean, a lot could happen in such a short amount of time... but the chances of me NOT graduating are slim to none.

Over the last six months, I've frequently compared myself to a loaf of bread (well, it's a good comparison... I am kinda dough-y) baking in the oven. Even when I was four months or so into the program, I was comfortable with my progress but was MORE than willing to admit that I was NOT ready to be taken out of that oven. I still had some baking to do. With less than three weeks to go, I think I'm starting to reach that level of golden-brown deliciousness that I've been working on. FIRSTEP has given me the tools I need to work a successful program from here on out, it's just up to ME to actually do the work and keep the momentum going...

Compliance vs. Surrender...

"Compliance" is defined as "a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way." To me, compliance is cold and sterile. Compliance is discussed when it comes to policies, procedures and laws. Kind of heartless. Job sites are expected to be in compliance with safety standards. When you get behind the wheel of a car, you are expected to be in compliance with proper insurance and licensing to show that you are allowed to drive that vehicle.

"Surrender" is defined as "to yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession on demand or under duress." It sounds pretty similar to "compliance," right? Well, just to make sure, I looked up the meaning of duress and it means "compulsion by threat or force." So, someone surrenders after they really have no choice. The Japanese surrendered in World War II after the US bombed two of their cities with nuclear bombs, killing potentially hundreds of thousands of civilians. They realized that they could make the decision... surrender now or be bombed back into the stone age. To me, surrender has a much more emotional feeling. Like the picture above shows, people usually only surrender when they've been beaten down and have no other choice. "Please, for the love of God, MAKE IT STOP!"

When it comes to my alcoholism, I can either be in compliance with doing the little tasks, squeaking by with the absolute minimum on what it takes to keep me sober or I can completely surrender myself to the fact that I am completely powerless over alcohol and my life is totally unmanageable on my own. For the past seven years, I have to be honest and admit that I've lived my life in that compliance category. That is definitely what has caused me to fail, over and over again. I haven't put any HEART or feeling into my sobriety. I've just tried to squeak by with that absolute minimum. I'd be giving as little fuel as possible, but would still scratch my head in confusion when the fire would die out. "Wait. How in the world did I wind up in this situation... again?"

This time around, I know that I had to throw all of myself into this program. That meant body AND soul. I had to make myself physically, mentally and spiritually available. It meant taking me WAY outside of my comfort zone and jumping into something completely new and foreign. Nearly six months later and this new way of thinking has proven to be pretty successful. Not only am I physically sober, I consider myself spiritually sober as well. I am in a great space in mind and body. I'm FIVE DAYS AWAY from celebrating six months of sustained sobriety. I've continuously surprised myself with what I've been able to do for the last few months. I'm proud of myself. Yes, you heard that right. Me. I'm proud of myself. Sheesh. Who knew?

But, I know that it's not over. If anything, it's actually just starting. In 20 short days, I'll be leaving the safety behind the gates of FIRSTEP and that world is out there waiting for me. Byron's is waiting. But so are the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going to rest on my laurels and say "I've got this" like I've said in the past. I know that I have to make that right choice and keep myself out there. I'm actually EXCITED about what opportunities and LIFE waits for me on May 30th...

I CAN DO THIS!

Ben & Jerry...

No, I really wish that I was referring to "Ben & Jerry's" and that this blog entry was all about ice cream. But it's not. My life rolls on, day in and day out, and I've honestly never been happier. I'm probably the busiest I've been in recent years, but I'm totally okay with that. FIRSTEP has given me plenty of new responsibilities to keep up with, but I'm actually eager and willing to show them that I can do this and I'm willing to do my part to help keep this place up and running. I want them to remember that I'd be a really good candidate for working here once I graduate. So, I've been super busy, but super happy.

Thursday was supposed to be a relaxing day off from work, but with how I've been approaching work here lately, that meant I was still in the office. I just so happened to be in the office when I heard that Ben, a FIRSTEP client and a good friend of mine, had apparently walked away from the job site and was AWOL from the program. Sadly this is one of those things that are normal in a rehab type situation, where people up and leave and go back out to use and/or drink. I tried calling and texting Ben numerous times but to no avail. My last voicemail I just asked him to please, whether or not he wanted to come back to the program, to let me know he was okay and I told him that I loved him. In most instances, people never call back, but I've just assumed because it's easier to not have to feel that shame or guilt from leaving.

Yesterday started out like any other. It didn't take too long for it to turn pretty hectic, juggling all the tasks that come with admitting TWO new clients in the morning as well as having THREE clients unexpectedly leave the program. At one point, I was casually browsing Facebook and read a post from a friend that read "I am sad to report that Jerry O., 'aging alcoholic' passed away suddenly of a brain hemorrhage. At Jerry's request, he wished to have no formal service, but just a small family only memorial. If anyone would like to send a condolence card to his family." It was like I had just gotten punched in the gut. Jerry was a very good friend of mine that was a fellow member of LLL. Straight as an arrow, he was an elderly married man that seemed to fit in just perfectly with the rest of our crew. I'm not sure if he first found interest in me or that I found interest in him, but Jerry and I quickly became good friends, whether we were in the program or out of the program. He struggled just like I've struggled. He was SO proud of me when he heard that I was in FIRSTEP and I was happy and content here because I knew that Jerry was doing well, staying sober and attending LLL on a regular basis.
Just because we're sober, doesn't mean that life is all hunky-dory. People pass away from illness or old age. People experience pain, sorrow or loss. The only difference is, we're left without our old defenses of hiding behind the pain with a big bottle. We're left to feel all of those emotions and the waves of sadness. Luckily Bill was here because I had to excuse myself from my desk for a moment.  I cried and I cried. I put myself together for a bit and called Mom and I cried some more. I sent my sponsor a text message and then called him and we cried together. As weird as it sounds, it felt good and okay to just let all of that out. I didn't feel the need to hide or didn't feel like I wanted a drink to make this go away.
I took a deep breath and said a few prayers of thanks for getting to know Jerry and prayed for his family and the fellowship of LLL and then went back to work. A few hours later, I received a phone call from a woman who identified herself as a family friend of Ben (my friend who didn't come home from work on Thursday) and she asked for me by name, I just so happened to be the one that answered the phone. She told me that they had been notified by the police that he had been found dead of an apparent overdose. Not even a full 24-hours after leaving the program and he was already gone. Again, I was punched in the gut. This was a different kind of pain. This was the pain of knowing that a friend of mine had been taken by the disease of addiction, the very disease that I'm fighting here at FIRSTEP. Whether it's alcohol or heroin, this disease wants to kill us all. Sadly, in a lot of cases, it succeeds.

When Ben was new to FIRSTEP, he was one of my very first intakes as a ROD. As I was still trying to come out of my shell, Ben was one of the first guys that I really got comfortable talking with. He wasn't one of those super-tough, butch, big burly guys that talks about trucks and guns. He was a smaller guy, kinda nerdy, well-spoken, smart and funny. He was developing his relationship with God.

He was one of the guys that I could tell was REALLY taking this whole recovery thing seriously. I never would've guessed this was in the cards. The "when, why, where and what" of it all is still a mystery and I'm okay with it staying that way. It wasn't a pleasant way to go, I don't need to know the details of it all. My friend is gone. I'm grateful that I got to know him and he was part of my journey. I just know that I'm going to pray for my brothers here at FIRSTEP who aren't quite as equipped to handle a world-shaking death like this one that hits so close to home as well as his family that definitely wasn't ready for this tragic news. I don't know what Ben has said to his family about me, but they apparently know my name and I actually just got off the phone with his Mom. Gah, that just breaks my heart.

"Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts." -- Paramahansa Yogananda

A Night At The Movies...

So, Sunday night was the 90th Academy Awards and it caused me to stop and think for a moment on the topic of movies... how important they are/were to me, how I lost that simple and harmless hobby that I truly enjoyed because of my destructive drinking and what that means for me today. There was a time that I could follow along with the Oscars because I would have watched the vast majority of the films that were nominated. Over the years, it dwindled to a point where I would watch, but I only knew about a few of the films. This year, I didn't watch the Academy Awards and I haven't seen a single one of the films that won an Oscar.

It may not sound all that important to you, but I think it's a perfect analogy of how alcohol slowly, but surely, took over all aspects of my life. It didn't just destroy the major things like my education, my work history and my health... it aimed for the tiny things too. Something as simple as going out to the movies wasn't even an option because I couldn't afford it or I didn't even have the desire to do that anymore.

Years ago, movies were by far one of the most important things in my life. I wasn't one of those kids that went to house parties on the weekends, you could find me and my friend Emily at the fancy new Harkins Theater in Bricktown. I wasn't spending my money on the hottest fashion trends, I was buying used DVD's en masse at places like Vintage Stock or FYE. I was fortunate enough to take advantage of Blockbuster before those all closed down. During the slow and painful death of video rental stores, I discovered this wonderful little website called Netflix. It not only widened my movie-watching horizons, it blew them sky-high. Needless to say, movies played a very important role in my teenage to younger adult years.

As I got older, and I discovered alcohol, not a whole lot changed... right away. There was a brief period of time where my love for drinking and my love for movies were able to coexist in peace and harmony. I was even excited to see that there was a new theater going up in Moore that had a bar actually IN the theater!! Talk about the best of both worlds!! But, just like everything else in my life, alcohol slowly but surely nudged that out of my life. As funds became more limited, I definitely chose alcohol over movies. I would watch as new movies would enter the box office and would say "yes! I totally want to see that!" But, before I would realize it, I've done nothing but drink for several weeks and the movie would already be gone. I'm watching these award shows and even find myself occasionally going "I've never even HEARD of that movie?!"

In what other areas have I done that? What else have I sacrificed or traded in for the sake of another drink? I'm afraid that it is definitely not limited to JUST my love for the movies. I've chosen to drink by myself MANY times over going and spending time with family and friends. Even the times that I was actually with my family, I know that my mind and spirit was actually either under the influence of that drink or pre-occupied with where I'm going to get the next one. Church used to be incredibly important to me. I loved my church family. For crying out loud, I even considered being an Episcopal priest there for a while. But, alcohol slowly seeped in and took that over, too. At first, it was just me showing up to church hungover (or possibly even still drunk) and before too long it was just me not showing up at all. I'm not proud of it. I'm just glad I can identify it now and hopefully avoid that in the future.

As I had mentioned in my first post for 2018, one of my top 10 things I look forward to in the new year is getting back to the movies. I see it as more than just going back to see a good flick every once and a while. It's just another step in getting back to the normal, simple, HAPPY me. Maybe, by this time next year, I'll be able to actually WATCH the Oscars and know what they're talking about...

Movin' On Up, By Movin' On Down...

It only seems like it had been a day or two since I last opened up "Big Head" and shared my shenanigans and adventures from FIRSTEP... imagine my shock when I looked on the site this morning and saw "WHAT?! It's been almost a whole MONTH!? Yowzah. You know what, though? I definitely consider that a good thing. My life is full...

So what has happened since we last chatted?!

• As you can tell from the clever headline and somewhat weird picture, I FINALLY MOVED TO A BOTTOM BUNK! Yes, it's right by the back door where everyone goes out to go smoke, but it's not too shabby.
• I'm now the "senior" ROD. I'm not quite sure what that means other than a little more responsibility... but I like it... :-)
• I celebrated THREE months of actual, genuine, legitimate, no-joke SOBRIETY.
• I'm seven days away from reaching my THREE month anniversary of being with FIRSTEP... that's the unofficial "halfway" point. Man, time flies!
• I sat down with Shannon and knocked out my fifth step! I'm working on steps six and seven right now... I'll hopefully have those finished by this weekend.
• After meeting the Executive Director of OKC Metro Alliance last week, I've been invited to speak in front of a group of people at the corporate offices and share my story. I'm excited/honored/nervous/freaked out...

Yessir, my life is definitely full. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and lollipops. It's not ALL easy. Life on campus definitely comes with the down's as well as the up's. I get to watch my friends and brothers SUCCEED in this program, but I'm also here when they fall. I've seen men who had longterm sobriety go back out. My parents have been REALLY sick with this nasty flu that has been going around and their has been nothing that I could do to help or make things better. Megan unexpectedly lost her grandfather a little over a week ago and all I could do was go to the funeral, nothing else.  I know that I'm exactly where I need to be and I'm helping by staying here and working my program, but it just doesn't feel the same! Ya know?

It seems as if there will be an odd day or two where not a whole lot will happen and I'll think to myself "meh, nope, not really much to write about..." but then I'll get SLAMMED with a week or so of just thing after thing that I want to share it with everyone and let them know, good AND bad, that I'm living life. I'm feeling the feels and doing the things and getting to be present for all of it...

TWO MONTHS!

So, more often than not, my desire to go to LLL on a Thursday night gets outvoted. When it DOESN'T get outvoted, usually something pops up - a "mandatory" community meeting, special guest speaker or something as simple as the driver changed his mind and decided to go to somewhere else (usually an NA meeting). Last week, we wound up not going because Jonas got SUPER sick before it was time to leave for the meeting. I mean, come on, I'm not THAT heartless to where I throw a fit because a man is too sick to drive me across town to the meeting of my choice?!

It has actually helped me understand and accept the fact that I don't always get what I want. It's SO much easier to just go with the flow or "flip over and float," than get all worked up and pissed off that things aren't going my way. Keeping that somewhat positive attitude towards it all helps that when things DO go my way, I'm extra appreciative and grateful.

Jonas started promising me on Wednesday night that we would go to the LLL meeting on Thursday. I smiled, said "awesome!" and nodded my head in agreement. Internally, I was choosing to have that "I'll believe it when I see it" stance. Throughout Thursday, it seemed as if things kept falling into place that were going to make it NOT happen... just as I predicted. He told us to be ready by 6:30, I was ready by 6:15. I went to the office and was given a note from Jonathan saying that it was going to be closer to 6:45-6:50 before he'd be able to leave. A-HA! I KNEW IT! I was going to be right once again. But lo and behold, at around 6:50 Jonas whipped around the corner and picked us up with not a second to spare.

Roger, one of the other guys on the bus called out to me and was telling me how he had never seen Jonas push the limits like that before when it came to legal driving skills and potentially tip-toeing over the speed limit. "He just kept saying that he made a PROMISE to you and that he wasn't going to break it again!" I couldn't help but have the warm fuzzies on the inside, Jonas was working his tail off to make sure that I got a chance to go to my home group, and I hadn't even had the opportunity to tell him the reason as to why I wanted to go so bad (this week especially). Last Sunday was actually my TWO MONTH-iversary of being sober. We remember from LAST month that I didn't get my chip in an actual meeting, so I was REALLY hoping I'd get to for this month.

The meeting was great, I got to see a lot of my people: Phillip, Charlie, Jerry, Shannon and Spencer. It was an awesome FULL house. The meeting was over the eighth step. I was even able to share! Jonas called on me! I talked about how, even though I was on the fourth step, I had worked an eight before. This time around was different because I was starting to see people that were on my fourth step list before, but that they are no longer there. I was hopeful that this meant that I was taking much more responsibility for my actions and NOT holding resentments against people for them... That being said, just because they are no longer on my fourth step list, doesn't mean they disappear from my eighth step list as well. It doesn't change the fact that I have wronged these people and need to make my amends. At "halftime," I even managed to get my chip! A couple of days late, but hey, it's the thought that counts. I said that I was only able to do it with the help of God, my friends and family, my sponsor and the awesome guys at FIRSTEP.

I'd say I was in a pretty good mood on the way back home, I know I definitely expressed my thanks to Jonas. I said THANK YOU to him about a dozen times and bought him a big Dr. Pepper from Oncue. I know it's difficult to be around 70 guys and hear 70 different opinions or suggestions on where to go or what to do. I AM grateful that he picks mine every once and a while. I hopefully can make sure that I'm not one of those little whiney punks that complains when he DOESN'T pick mine...

It's The Best Medicine...

How can this video NOT make you laugh?! Moreso than the actual content of his jokes, Anderson Cooper's laugh and his complete inability to control his laughter is funnier than anything else in the video.

Over the last 55 days, I've changed. The most obvious change, of course, is that I'm completely and 100% sober... physically, mentally and spiritually. Another is my openness and willingness. I accept advice from people I would've previously scoffed at or volunteered to do chores/tasks that would otherwise make my stomach turn. I'm trying my best to make gratitude an essential part of my life and be grateful for everything that I have and everything that I'm experiencing. I'm growing to be able to enjoy life. Life is GOOD. Just because I'm not winning the lottery (maybe someday...) or have all of my wants fulfilled right NOW, things are still really awesome. I'm happy, I'm somewhat healthy, my NEEDS are definitely met, I have a roof over my head and a very full belly. Unlike a lot of people, I have friends and family who love me and want to see me succeed.

The other night, I was coming home from a long and frustrating evening in the office. It was one of those rare (they haven't happened often since being at FIRSTEP) where I've found myself cranky and not really wanting to talk or deal with people in general. I could feel that desire seeping back in, to crawl into some dark hole and just enjoy some quiet time. When I opened the door to my dorm, even though it was fairly late, the room was full of life. The guys were all up and around, having a good time. A couple of new guys were getting settled in and chatting with some of the older guys about their experiences here so far. I was pulled into several conversations and, within a minute or so, found myself laughing so hard that I began to cry. I was cracking silly jokes, enjoying some fun horseplay and just being goofy. I wasn't some hopeless, lifeless alcoholic that was confined to some cold and sterile rehab center without a soul. I was with friends, guys who were quickly becoming my family and enjoying LAUGHTER. We weren't worried about court situations, money problems or any of the issues that got us here in the first place.

I was just about to write something along the lines of making it a possible SIXTH suggestion or even a 13th step when I remembered that someone already beat me to the punch... in AA, they will often refer to "rule 62," which is "don't take yourself too seriously." Yeah, there are plenty of things in life that are super serious and we need to face like adults, but there is absolutely NOTHING in the Big Book against enjoying a little bit of silliness now and again...

A Life That Burns...

I'll be completely honest and tell you that, since coming to FIRSTEP back in November, I'm really happy. Things seem to be going really well and the puzzle pieces are (so far) falling into place. Even if I wrack my brain thinking about it, I honestly can't produce any person/place or thing that's bothering me right now. I'd say the closest I get to feeling melancholy or down at this point, happens when I lay down at night. Bedtime is a slow process in our dorm. First, the overhead lights go off, but the TV stays on. Then, after about 30 minutes, the TV gets turned off. Finally, the last few guys finish what they're doing and get into bed. You have a minute or two of cross-dorm chatter, the occasional chuckle of laughter and then everyone succumbs to that feeling of "ah, man! Today was a day! I'm super tired!" After that, it get's super quiet very quickly as people fall asleep. I'll lay there for a bit and miss my family or my girlfriend or my dog. In the beginning, I would occasionally drift into a little bit of self-pity or mentally beat myself up over the stupid decisions I've made in the past. Luckily, even back then, I knew to get out of that mindset super quick. It can get kinda lonely in that bunk, even in a room full of 39 other guys. Eventually, my eyes start getting heavier and the hum of my fan lulls me off to sleep.

I am incredibly blessed to have a pretty big group of people cheering me on... my former boss, plenty of family, friends and my awesome girlfriend who support me and want nothing but the best for me. Then, when I got here to FIRSTEP, I gained about 70 residents and staff members who cheer me on and want me to succeed. As I go about my days, I think of all of them on a very regular basis. It's hard to feel down and alone knowing I have that sort of support system in my corner. So I've been able to chug along for the last 46 days with a fairly consistent smile on my face. My heart is full, my belly is DEFINITELY full and my mind is buzzing with a newfound confidence in the current decisions I'm making.

Yesterday was my day off and I would USUALLY poke around the campus and find a quiet spot to write or whatever. It was CRAZY cold yesterday, so that poking around was limited to mainly indoor locations. I was chatting with Ron and a few of the other guys in the kitchen, when I noticed this big FAT cardinal sitting in the bare tree outside of the chow hall. I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick pic (see above). I'm surprised that it came out so clearly, considering I took it from the other side of a really dirty window! I posted it on Facebook and Instagram and was thinking about what I had heard about what cardinals represent. I remember what Mom told our friend Kelly, after she had tragically lost her mother in an accident. She said that cardinals are said to be a messenger from "the other side." That, when a deceased loved one wants you to know that they are there, they send a cardinal. Their colors and chirps easily grab your attention and say “hey! Look at me!” Since then, I've loved the thought of being able to tell when we might have visitors from the afterlife.

So, maybe the bright fat cardinal sitting in that tree was someone coming to check in on me? One person that I think about frequently is MY Meme (not to be confused with my nieces' and nephews' Meme...aka, my mom). My Meme was my maternal grandmother and quite possibly the best person I ever met. The coincidence is not lost on me that tomorrow, the 13th, will be the 22nd anniversary of when Meme passed away from her long fight with brain cancer. Before she died, Meme was a HUGE important part of so many lives, including mine. She was bright and vibrant, just like that cardinal. I could tell SO many stories, but that is another (at least one) blog entry to itself... It made me smile and definitely warmed up my insides to think of her checking up on me and hoping that she'd be proud of the progress that I was making.

On top of that, I googled cardinals and came across this quote that applied perfectly: "Cardinals represent the warmth, the life and energy. A cardinal may symbolize the fire of life that burns within our souls, even in the darkest and coldest times. It reminds us we need to stay strong and positive throughout difficult periods in our life, just as red bird endures the cold winter days." Considering it was painfully cold outside yesterday, it applied to my life. Like I previously mentioned, I don't really consider this a DIFFICULT period... but that can change at the drop of a hat. Regardless of whether I'm riding the all-natural high of that "pink cloud" or truly struggling and white-knuckling it... it's important for me to stay strong and positive.

With all of these new thoughts and feelings swirling around in this big head of mine, I felt more support than I ever have before. I felt as if Meme (and who knows who else might have visited?!) was with me and cheering me on, telling me to keep up the good work. I left the chow hall with a huge smile on my face, a PB&J sandwich in one hand and a Diet Dr. Pepper in the other. I used my foot to nudge open the back door to the chow hall so I could head back to the dorm. As the door swung open, on the small patch of grass in front of the chow hall, had to have been at LEAST 20 bright red cardinals trying to find some lunch in the brown grass. Their search had been interrupted as they all flew off to the other side of the gravel road. It happened in this beautiful, ethereal slow motion. I stayed outside and watched them for as long as I could, but it was just too dang cold outside. I've kept my eyes open to see if I could find them since then, but they haven't turned up. Somehow, I still know that Meme is watching and giggling her cute giggle, happy to see that her grandson is finally turning his life around...

Playing the Tape Through...

I took my very first drink (outside of the sip from the wine chalice at church) on the evening of my 21st birthday. My brother Matt bought me a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat Beer (or whatever it's called) and while I wanted to enjoy it and appreciate the gesture, it tasted like soggy bread. Blech. Not necessarily my cup o' tea. The following weekend, a big group of coworkers took me out to "Emerson Biggin's" for drinks, bar food and pool. My boss' wife bought me my first mixed drink, a "sex on the beach." It was considerably better, but I still just wasn't head over heels with what booze had to offer. This justified my opinion that alcohol just wasn't very good and that my 21st birthday wasn't going to be that big of a deal.

Next, one of my coworkers bought me a simple "rum and Coke." Ya know, this was a step in the right direction. It's not too bad! It tastes pretty much just like regular Coke. Still, I hadn't heard the seas part and the angels singing. It wasn't until a week or so later when my friend bought me a "vodka seven." Just simple seven up and vodka. Now, THIS is more like it!!! It was from a bar called "Tramp's" where they serve "big girl drinks," which is just basically another way of saying REALLY heavily poured drinks. More bang (and booze) for your buck. These drinks were a-ok and I soon learned that I liked the effect that these not-so-little concoctions had on my personality and my mind. It seemed like everyone else liked it too, so why not just keep on going?!

It's over 10 years later and, even in my current situation, I can look back at all of that and get the warm fuzzies. I can frequently remember when times were REALLY good and alcohol played an integral role in that part of my life...

 I remember my first trip to Washington D.C. with Steve, Al, Jim and a few others. Right from the start, it involved a lot of drinking... but it was fun! There was plenty of hob-nobbing with important and "shee-shee" people, mixed in with very expensive food and very expensive alcohol that I did not have to pay for. We stayed in a very expensive hotel that I didn't have to pay for. I think there was the expectation that I was going to attend some of these seminars at the conference, but instead, I went out and played tourist and visited the cool sites of D.C. I would ride the subway and feel like a real, civilized, cultured adult rather than the introverted, awkward kid that I usually felt like at home. In the evenings, there would be after-parties or dinners that we would attend. The alcohol flowed freely, which SEEMED fun but led up to some behavior that I can look back at now and shake my head. It's definitely "tsk, tsk" worthy...

Whether it was PRIDE parade weekends, parties over at friends' apartments, dates, the SECOND trip to D.C. or the trips to San Francisco and San Diego, I have plenty of amazing memories about my early-to-mid twenties. Almost all of them contain copious amounts of alcohol. I could easily use those to glorify the act of drinking. But, before too long, the good memories started to get tainted with little "oopsie's" or unfortunate incidences where I'm taking it just a weeeee bit over the line. That moral boundary gets pushed just a skosh further out.

Minor oopsie's like letting flirtatious behavior go a little too far or getting into an argument with someone you shouldn't, but could usually be smoothed out by the next day. Then came the unfortunate incidences like an overnight stay in Payne County jail. It was ONLY for a "public intox." Not a huge deal, but still heavily frowned upon by those in the legal communities. But, even then, where was I that night after I left Stillwater? Back in the bars with my friends, brushing it off as something that was somehow the fault of the police officers on duty...

Those oopsie's and unfortunate incidences quickly disappeared and were replaced with life-changing and horrendous events that will forever change who I am as a person. My legal problems grew even LARGER. I had to hire an attorney, for crying out loud. I lost relationships with friends and family. People didn't want to be around me because my drinking had become an issue. It was destroying my health. I went to the ER numerous times and even spent the night in the hospital for "observation" for severe dehydration. I lost jobs, either directly or indirectly due to this disease. I've lost thousands upon thousands of dollars because of this. I've cost my family thousands and thousands of dollars, not to mention the countless tears that have been shed.

Little did I know, when I was enjoying that "big girl drink" at Tramp's with Kindra, that it was going to explode into this out-of-control situation...

Occasionally, my mind likes to pull up those good memories or occasions when it was "ok" for a drink to try and justify or rationalize my brain into a corner... "Oh, you want to just stay in and watch a few movies by yourself tonight? Remember when you would add some bagel bites and some Svedka to that? Now THAT is how you really need to unwind..." or "Remember when you used to hob-nob with the beautiful people? Maybe if you started some of your old behaviors, those people would return..."

If I'm going to press the play button and restart some of these old behaviors and pick up that bottle again, yeah, I MIGHT experience some good times again. But they won't be long enough. Before too long, I'll be back to where I was before FIRSTEP... or even worse. I have to play this tape all the way to the end. Much like some of my favorite indie movies, that story doesn't have a happy ending. However, I can choose to put in a different tape altogether...

Freedom From Bondage...

Since coming to FIRSTEP and working with my sponsor, I've buzzed through steps one through three pretty easily. Before tackling the ominous step number four, we hit the brakes and Shannon and I agreed that we should approach the task differently this time. I know that I've done this step at LEAST twice before, but I don't want this to be like other times. I really feel like I want to come at it head-on, with both hands and feet as well... I'd even borrow hands and feet from other people if I thought that it would make a difference!

When you read the main literature for Alcoholics Anonymous (the BIG BOOK), "they" always say that you'll start to identify with passages, feel that similarity and even swear that some of these passages had even been written for you. Over the past seven years, and who knows how many umpteen times I've read that book, of course I've felt somewhat like that. I could read a certain portion or story and be like "hmm... yeah! I can definitely identify with that!" But that definitely changed the other day. Part of the reading Shannon wanted me to do before going on to actually WRITING out my fourth step was to read certain areas out of the Big Book and the 12 and 12. When reading the chapter called "Freedom From Bondage," I finally had one of those moments where I was like... "whoa. This is totally spot-on when it comes to describing me." It goes like this:

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all. I realize now that this phase of my development had been arrested by my obsession with self, and my egocentricity had reached such proportions that adjustment to anything outside my personal control was impossible for me. I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and the ones who drank as I did. It became more and more necessary to escape from myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could."

**MIND BLOWN**

I can honestly say that I haven't ever read another passage and be this wholly just... whoa. I know, that's not very eloquently spoken, but I'm not sure how to make it much more clear. It explains the lack of emotional maturity, the self-pity and it explains the fact that it stemmed from this overwhelming shame and self-hatred...

"Apparently, I'd grown physically at the customary rate of speed and I had acquired an average amount of intellectual training in the intervening years, but there had been no emotional maturity at all." - I used to get SO pissed when Mom would make statements like this. She'd say something along the lines of how I haven't really matured much past my early 20's when alcohol took hold of my life. Once again, she was very right. I can look back at it now and see that the way I handled things was so skewed and that I was way too self-involved. I may have hated myself, but I had this ego to be constantly thinking of no one else other than me...

"I was immersed in self-pity and resentment, and the only people who would support this attitude or who I felt understood me at all were the people I met in bars and ones who drank as I did." - Oh so very, very true. It's so PAINFULLY true. The sad thing is, it didn't stop there. My behavior, combined with that self-pity and resentment, even pushed this very small group of people who I felt understood me as far away as possible. In my (hopefully) last days of drinking, it was all alone. I was either locked away in my apartment and blinds closed with an uncomfortably large cup full of vodka in front of me or I was around people and emotionally locked away in my lies and deception. Yeah, I may be around people, but please don't ask me what's in my cup or how I'm truly feeling inside.

"It became more and more necessary to escape myself, for my remorse and shame and humiliation when I was sober were almost unbearable. The only way existence was possible was through rationalizing every sober moment and drinking myself into complete oblivion as often as I could." - I liked to rationalize the drinking. It was because I was celebrating (insert seemingly proper good news to celebrate here) or because I had a horrible day (insert appropriate rough news about relationships, jobs, life in general here). It provided enough social lubricant to get me out there amidst the public or it calmed my nerves after rough days so I could relax and unwind at home. In all honestly, I was always just ashamed of who I was becoming and hated thinking about it. "Hey, I hate myself, so you probably hate me too... maybe if I drink, I'll become more likable."

See?! I told you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up the pieces of my mind that's been blown all over the place...

2018: The Year Ahead...

Happy New Year! This should be known as the "Year of the Rehab," considering we'll be halfway through 2018 by the time I graduate from the FIRSTEP Program. How would the first six months of this year have gone, had I decided to take a different path on November 13th of last year? I can run all sorts of scenarios through my head of "what could have been," and none of them are GOOD scenarios. This is the best possible decision I could've made. It, combined with my past experiences, will position me in a place to actually make something of my life and bring some positive potential to 2018. I highly doubt I'll be some sort of multi-gazillionaire. But, even if I don't find myself with a large bank account, this program is teaching me gratitude for what I DO have. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I don't need to compare my life to other people or try and compete with my brothers on who is the "most successful." Who defines what "success" is, anyway?!

How would I define 2018 as a successful year?? I thought it would be fun to do it Letterman-style in a "TOP TEN" format. So, here it is! My "TOP TEN GOALS for 2018!"

Number ten! I am a through-and-through MOVIE buff. Everyone knows that. For crying out loud, I own over 600 DVD's. In the past few years, it seems that the majority of my budget was eaten up by purchasing certain adult beverages on a very regular basis. One luxury in my life that was sacrificed because of this was going out to see movies. I used to LOVE going to the theater and watching a movie in a dark room with a massive screen and an impressive sound system. Nothing can compare to that, I don't care what kind of equipment you have at home! I used to see at LEAST one movie a week or so. I had a massive box that I kept of all of my ticket stubs. But, when liquor nudged its way into my life, it pushed movies out of the "affordable" column. Hey, I might as well drink at home and watch a movie I already own, versus going out to the theater. Well! Not anymore! I want that to change this year!!!

Number nine! I want to go on a road trip!!! This definitely falls under the WANT category and not the NEED category, so this one might be a stretch for 2018. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant or a super-long distance. I would just love to get behind the wheel and go somewhere that's not normal. Maybe another trip to Waco with the girls? I would LOVE to get to take my favorite trip to Denver, but that's pretty dang extravagant. Hell, the road trip might be to Sulphur Springs or Tulsa or to one of those "trunk shows" that Mom and I like to go to. But, in order to take a road trip, I would definitely need...

Number eight! A car. I want a car. I NEED a car. I miss that feeling of freedom of getting behind the wheel, opening the sunroof (will I have another sunroof? who knows...) and turning on some great music and then just going for a drive. I LOVE meaningless driving. Do I want to turn left or right? Maybe I'll just go forward! That freedom of having a car is beyond comparison and I miss it ever so much! I abused that power before by using the freedom to take certain side trips and hide certain items in my vehicle. Once I'm spiritually fit enough and my credit improves enough, I want that set of keys in my hand.

Number seven! Speaking of credit... I'm really hoping that, once I'm on the right path and getting everything put back together, that I'll get on top of my bills and my CREDIT. I need to make sure that I'm working on getting it to go back UP. I know that I've had to take necessary actions that have had negative consequences on my credit. I didn't WANT to, but I had to in order to get the help I needed and start a program of recovery. I'll get back on top of the bills, my student loans and all that jazz.

Number six! After I have that graduation certificate from FIRSTEP in my hand, I need to re-start the process of finishing up my ACTUAL education. I saved all of my e-mails about the re-starting the admission process at OU so I can pick that back up when I leave here and go back out into the "real world." Hopefully, by the end of 2018, I'll finally have that diploma from OU I've been striving towards for so damn long!

Number five! Sometime shortly after my birthday, I need to start the process of looking for an actual job where I make more than $15 every two weeks. Something, hopefully with health insurance. I don't necessarily want to get a job that would be a career right NOW, but something that can help me get back on my feet and on the road to somewhat normalcy. Even though I don't graduate from the FIRSTEP program until the end of May, I think if I start about a month before, I think that should give me plenty of time to nail something down by May 29th.

Number four! I'm going to try my best to be as open and willing as possible. Life is an adventure. I want to be open to trying new foods, new activities, new foods. I want to be open and willing to do things to help other people, even if it means doing stuff that I don't necessarily WANT to do. Now, don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I'm going to become Jim Carrey's character from the movie "Yes Man," and not ever have the ability to say "no," but I definitely need to learn to say "yeah, sure!" more often...

Number three! I would love to embrace the spirit of GRATITUDE for 2018. Life as a whole seems to be so much easier when you look at it from the optimistic perspective of my glass being half full and that I am truly blessed. That means being grateful, even though I'm not a multi-gazillionaire. Be grateful for the job, for life, for sobriety and/or for family. Does this mean that I'll always be the annoyingly chipper guy that you want to kick in the shin for being so joyful? It's highly doubtful. I know I'll have bad days, I know I'll be irrationally grumpy. I'm only human. But I'm going to truly strive to be as positive as possible. That gratitude is infectious, if I'M happy... it's easier to make YOU happy.

Number two! In 2018, I want to continue to improve my relationships with friends, family and people around me. I want to remind my family of that sober John that they know and love. I want to show Megan that the John she dated for six months was kinda crummy and that I have the potential for SO much more. I want the people that I meet from here on out to have nothing but positive thoughts and opinions about my personality and my character. "That John Cloud is a REALLY good guy."

...and my NUMBER ONE goal for 2018 is, of course, continued sobriety! It will start with me making sure that I do what's necessary to "keep the plug in the jug" for today. If all goes according to plan, I'll take the next right step and try this sober thing out again tomorrow, too. Once I'll string along consecutive days of deciding that I do not want to drink, I'll eventually reach the pinnacle of ONE YEAR on November 14, 2018. Then I can continue on to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and celebrate New Year's Eve with the people I love. I'll wrap up 2018 without taking a single drop of alcohol.

In the past, I've never been a fan of new year's resolutions. Considering my half-attempts and laziness tends to lead to failure and falling short pretty early on. For me, failure has a tendency to fuel my self-hatred. The only way that I can stop those feelings of self-loathing is to drown them with alcohol. Thus, starting that awful circle over again. This year, however, is going to be MUCH different. These are just simple suggestions. Half-attempts aren't even going to be an option for me this year. Like I mentioned, I'm usually HOPEFUL for a new year, like "gee, I hope this year doesn't suck..." In 2018, I'm actually EXCITED for what is in store. I don't know, I just have a good feeling...